Things can only get worse

So I don't know what is compelling me to write after being away for so long. Nothing super eventful has happened or anything. A lot has happened though in the past year and so here are the updates in no particular order except for this is the order in which I'm remembering them.

I finally talked to my dad last Thanksgiving. We met with a counselor and I told him how much he really hurt our family and how his drinking was so toxic to our relationship with him and his relationship with my mom. It was really hard to hear him say that he didn't really remember the way he would treat her or us and that most of his actions weren't based on any logic, they were all tied to his need to drink and how he could fulfill that addiction. At first it just seemed like a cop out, like he was blaming his behavior on the alcohol. You have to just try to understand though, that with addiction, there is no logical behavior, it skews your sense of reality and I think I even read somewhere that it does change the way your brain makes decisions in that certain neuro-connections are altered or something.

I bought a condo in May. That was a pretty big deal for me and really stressful. I found a steal though and in this economy I had to take advantage of the low prices and low interest rates. It's small, only a one bedroom, but it has a yard and a deck and I still have the same commute to work. I think it'll be good for me financially, because instead of paying a landlord, I'm essentially paying myself now. I see it as my 3-5 year place and hope to one day get something a bit bigger that's not in a building so I don't have to deal with neighbors.

The part you've all been waiting for I'm sure....I'm still single! Shocker! I laugh when I think back to where I was last winter because well, here's the story in a nutshell. A new guy started in my office. At first I thought, eh, not my type, but not the ugliest guy in the world. He was a little metro, but his parents are European, so I thought, maybe he just has a different sense of style. We started hanging out, first with other coworkers for drinks after work, but I soon saw him on weekends and what not. He said things to me in a way that made it seem like he was flirting. I don't even think that I was imagining it either because 4 people at work asked me if we were dating, so clearly, it wasn't all just me.

Anyway, I soon got some signals that something wasn't quite right. I'm sure you've already guessed it, he's gay. He hides it VERY well, and he tries to because he's clearly not out at work, which is fine. I can see why people would be hesitant to be open at work about their personal lives especially when they're trying to climb the corporate ladder, but my office is super open. There are 2 openly married gay men and nobody seems to give two shits.

So needless to say I was not only disappointed and felt stupid, but I was kinda mad. I wrote this to ecrivain once (it's just easier to copy and paste): "I just had lunch with a friend who tried every which way to say that this is a good thing, and i put myself out there, and i should see the positive side of it, blah blah blah. but just the way she said it, it didn't make me feel better at all! i was like, i just wasted 5 months of getting dressed up and putting on makeup and doing my hair to try to make him attracted to me and it was all a waste of effort. and she compared it to a 5 year relationship she had in her early twenties. she was like, "do i regret having that relationship, no." and all i could say was "stop right there. that's the difference. you HAD a relationship." I've never even been closed to one. and i can't compare months of you being single to my entire life. so when i am let down by something, it's like compounded by like 30 years."

What's worse is that I still am slightly attracted to him. I mean, we're still friends and he's since come out to me, so now when we're out alone (not in front of other coworkers) he talks openly to me about his personal life. It just sucks. More than ever I just feel like giving up.

On top of all this, I feel like I've been self-medicating with alcohol. When I go out, I just want to numb myself and forget the person I am and become someone else. I feel like it's getting a little out of hand though, and with my family history, I do have grounds to be concerned. I'm thinking my New Year's resolution (even though I hate New Years and never make resolutions) will be to chill out and really get myself healthy. That's another thing, I haven't really been taking care of myself, not running, eating crap, and I've put on like 10 lbs. One more reason to feel shitty about myself.

I'm stopping now, but I might write more later.