I'm lonely.
I don't care how much I try to resolve/repair my relationships with my friends, at the end of the day, I'm still lonely.
No matter how many social events I now try to pack into my schedule through this social site, when I come home after it, I'm lonely.
When I try to focus my energy on improving me as a person, my soul, when I'm finished, I'm still lonely.
Focusing on creating a life without depending on a man doesn't make me feel strong, it makes me feel lonely.
I'm really tired. No Mom, not sleepy tired, TIRED as in exhausted, done, finished, I said NO MORE! I'm tired of spending all of my time at home in my apartment alone. I'm tired of going to bed alone, waking up alone. I'm tired of making all of my own meals, being the only one who cleans, does all of the grocery shopping, of never going out to eat because I have nobody to go with. I'm tired of not caring what I look like because really who am I trying to impress? I'm tired of never being able to go on vacation because I have no one to go with. I'm tired of celibacy. I'm tired of hoping my future will someday change, but feeling like it never will. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of pity. I'm tired of telling people or the IRS that I'm single. I'm SO TIRED of this! There should be an unspoken universal statute of limitations on how long someone can feel this way. Maybe 15 years? That would work perfect for me. I'm ready for this to end.
I'm turning 28 in two days, which might be spurring these feelings or it might just be another Saturday when I'm stuck at home alone with no plans, but I think this is just me, writing because I'm tired (the sleepy kind) and because I'm just fucking tired.
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4 comments:
This was hard for me to read...because, deep down inside, that's how I still feel -- except, lately, I've been trying to pretend that I don't feel that way. It's like, maybe if I ignore it and don't think about it, it won't feel as shitty as it does.
And I get the exhaustion -- I was actually started to get scared that the constant exhaustion was something else.
I sort of wish we lived in the same city, because I get the sense that, we would probably get along and be friends if we knew each other in "real life" -- and would that help with the whole single status issue? Probably not...but having at least one person around who gets where we're coming from is better than nothing.
I guess the thing that bugs me is, I've often felt like I was drowning in my depression and that nobody saw me...yet, when I see other people in my life having an off day or not feeling great, I'm there for them. I just feel like I can always recognize when someone's "drowning and not waving", but most of the time, people think I'm just waving and not drowning.
Ya know, I met A for dinner on Wednesday and she said "Yeah, I could see that your were sad at the weddings last summer and that you were unhappy that night we all went out in October, but I didn't know what to say or how to talk to you about it, so I just ignored it." I was like "gee, thanks" but maybe a lot of people are like that. Maybe they're so scared that what they perceive might be true, that their friend might really be in trouble, but aren't sure what to do about it, and like us, just try and ignore it and hope it will go away.
girl i totally feel you... sometimes i'm just so tired of it all. there should definitely be a limit to the number of years one should feel this pain. and i think we've served above and beyond the call of duty.
that said, happy birthday in advance :)
Well...happy birthday!
I always think of birthdays as a new year, for some reason...and here's to hoping that this will be a year of transition into something great.
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