One of those days?

Did you ever have one of those days where all of your insecurities come barreling at you at the speed of light to the point of paralysis? Yeah. I'm having one of them. I know what the trigger was, although it's completely unrelated to anything that I'm feeling right now.

I was taking a class in something related to what my dept does, but something I have no part of directly. I was taking more for fun/information. Well, the class is way above my head technically speaking, and after trying to explain my final project idea to my professor, she talked to me so condescendingly that I felt like a complete imbecile. Yeah, I cried as I left the building. And yeah, I withdrew the second I got home. I feel like there's no need as an adult in my situation to let anyone or anything make me feel that way. EVER.

It just brought up feelings of inadequacy in terms of my intelligence, which then led to insecurity about my looks, social life, love life, you name it, the snowball effect. Once you get going, you can't really stop.

I saw my therapist today at lunch and she was telling me about all of the progress I have been making by reconnecting with my friends and letting them into my life again. She said that it was good that I was trying to think more logically and not let my resentment and anger cripple me the way I let it in the past. Joining the social site and volunteering are good ways to put myself out there. Though, I feel like an investor in today's economy, all my effort has gone to shit. I'm putting so much in and not getting anything in return. I feel like you can only take so much before you hit rock bottom and someone has to literally bail you out.

I feel like I'm in the exact same spot as I was when I was 25, 20, even 15. I've grown physically, well, that's not even true. I grew to my current size when I was 12 and have the stretch marks to prove it.

I guess I have gained some knowledge, although, I quickly forget almost everything that has ever been taught to me...kind of defeats the whole education process, no? I feel like I continually hide the fact that I don't know what people around me are talking about and quickly changing the subject to my area of knowledge: pop culture.

Psychologically, I feel like a child, always the baby of the family who can't do anything by herself, always relying on the parents for help, because real adults have gone through relationships and have relied on boyfriends or friends for that stuff, right?

Emotionally, same deal. I've had no experience that would have enabled me to grow into the real "me." You know when people talk about how it's the people they've met and loved that have made them who they are? Yeah, I don't get that concept because all I've known is the same I've known since forever. I don't know how I act when faced with confrontation. I don't know if I'm a jealous person. I don't know if I like PDA or not. I don't know about forgiving and making up. I haven't had the experiences to make me "me." Maybe I'm not even the real "me" yet. What if I never become "me?"

Someone needs to go to bed...

"I spend my life waiting"

As I was riding the escalator up from the T this morning, someone had written on the handrail "I spend my life waiting." I would say that that pretty much sums up my life. Waiting for something good to happen to me, waiting for someone to notice me, waiting to fall in love, waiting for someone to give my flowers, waiting to be happy...I hate waiting.

Dinner with A went better than I expected. It was awkward at first, she couldn't understand why I needed space from everyone, why it was so hard to be around them. She thought I was being so extreme and that all friends grow apart on some level after college. I tried to explain it to her as best I could. I hope she could see that I was being honest and not intentionally trying to hurt anyone. I thought it was amusing that she was surprised I've considered suicide. To me, it seems like a natural thought process. "It would be easier for everyone if I wasn't here." Or wishing at night as I'm falling asleep to not wake up, wishing a car to plow me over, wishing to get hit crossing the street. I've thought them for so long, probably since I was 13 (I'm 27 now) that it doesn't really phase me. Hopefully I will have some peace for a while until I figure out what I want to do about them.

On a related note, K showed up at my apt unannounced tonight. She wanted to come in and talk. She said she brought wine...I was like, yeah, no, I'm tired. It was already 9:15, which even though it's Friday and to the rest of the world is really early, is pretty close to my bedtime. I told her it wasn't a good time. (Plus I was in the middle of watching "Waitress") I had a feeling that she would show up like that, I just didn't know when. I have to figure out how to handle her. I'm actually pretty upset with her and the way she treats me, and I'm not sure how to talk to her about it. I feel like she uses me to do "friend" type things when it's convenient for her. She'll ask me to go shopping or do lunch, but only when nobody else is around. She'll go out on the weekends with friends or coworkers and not invite me. I don't get her. I don't know if that's a friendship worth saving.

The waiting continues....