Everyone but me

Saturday night I went out with a bunch of friends to a bar to celebrate a couple of friends' birthdays and my friend graduating from her PhD program. That night I found out that a couple that was on their way to the bar got engaged that morning. As we were congratulating them, I looked around and realized that everyone I was standing with was either married or engaged. In fact, everyone there but myself was in a committed relationship; eight were either married or engaged, two were in the serious relationships and I was the only single one there.

I don't think it would have bothered me so much if the husbands/boyfriends weren't there, but even if they weren't I'm not so sure. We went to the other part of the bar where there was dancing and it was so lame. It was seriously like an eighth grade dance. All of the guys were hanging around on the outside while all of the girls danced in the middle. On the occasion that a guy did try to come and dance with us, which were ALL ridiculous attempts, they all gravitated to my married or taken friends. Of course, they all kind of moved away and the guys eventually left. I couldn't help but notice that none of them came in my direction. Even if they did, it seemed like my taken friends just wanted to dance with the girls.

I feel like if I go out with them in the future, they would act the same way. They'd just want to dance with the girls and not want to dance with guys, which I totally understand. If I was in a relationship, I probably wouldn't want to dance with random guys, but for me, it feels like they are this buffer that push any single men away. I mean, you can spot their bling from a mile away, I feel like guys will just ignore us and talk to someone else. So frustrating. I miss the time when me and my friends were all single, which was like 10 years ago. Shouldn't I be wishing I was taken instead?

I can't remember who wrote it in their post, but someone said that you have to want to "play the game." I feel like I have lost all interest in the game. I don't know if it's because there isn't anyone that I'm interested in at the moment or if I'm just too tired to get my hopes up. I feel like I've run out of steam. It almost doesn't even seem like it's a factor anymore. Dating. It seems so foreign.

This might sound really weird, but I was talking to my mom about my nephew and potty training. He's only 1 years old, but he's gone on the potty at least twice. My mom was saying she feels like there's this window where they're interested and willing to give it a try, but that you have to catch them and encourage them during this window or it could pass and then they don't want to do it anymore. Then you have to wait until they're interested again, which could be years away. I feel like my love life is like potty training. I was interested in it years ago, but that passed and now I don't want to even try and it might be years until I'll feel the urge to go, I mean try again. ;p

Unsettled

So tomorrow I'm going to the same beer festival I went to two years ago, the one where I made some serious mistakes. Yeah, that one. I'm a little nervous about it because it's almost a given that it'll be a shitshow. I haven't been drunk like that in a long time and I'm kind of nervous if I'll be able to have more control over my actions than last time.

You're probably thinking that if it were you, you'd never go back, but I don't think I can live like that. I mean, I love the festival for one, but also, I don't want to avoid people or places just because they remind me of something bad. I should take that experience and learn from it. Should being the operative word there.

I'm also a little sad that it's been almost two years since it happened, therefore, it's been two years since I've had sex (the first and last time) and two years since I've kissed anyone. It seems like forever. I think it's because it's around the two year mark too that I'm getting really sensitive to things around me relating to dating, love, and sex too.

Last night I went out with some coworkers and they were talking about their love lives and of course, I had nothing to contribute. (I worry that they see me as this weird asexual person who works in their office.) Also, just when anyone else talks about relationships, I get really uncomfortable. I was out with friends of a friend of a friend, haha, and they were talking about this other girl who didn't have sex with her boyfriend for like a year while they were dating and the group was all like "what? how do you not have sex with your boyfriend for 10 days let alone a whole year" and I do the whole nod and "oh yeah, that's insane!" Please, like I have any idea.

Then anytime anyone brings up the 3 date rule, it's like omg, is it really true? I am not going to be comfortable by date 3 to do that and when I don't, he's going to think I'm a freak, right? Ugh, it's these little anxieties that really get to me..the social awkwardness talking about it, the awkwardness in a relationship when you get to that point...if I ever get to that point. Probably not. I just wish I could be a normal twenty-something woman with a normal healthy sex life with relationship history. Even the stupid sex tips section of magazines that I read even though I have nothing to relate to.

I just want it all to end. I'm ready. I really am.....still waiting. Sigh. I give up.

The worse part

So on Monday I emailed T to see if he still wanted to grab drinks this week and he emailed me back on Thursday saying that he might not be able to, long story, but he'd let me know today. Well, sure enough, I haven't hear from him. I went and made other plans.

The kicker to the whole thing with T is that I don't even think I like him that much. I mean, he's okay and I think the reason why I get so into it is because he flirts pretty well. I mean, he does this teasing thing with me that nobody else ever does or ever has done, which is why I think I have these feelings. But they're not even real feelings because he isn't anything that I really want in a guy. It's more just excitement than attraction.

For one, I feel like he is not very considerate. I think that he had his own agenda when we went out two years ago, meaning, he just wanted to sleep with me. He doesn't like the same music I like. Correction, he isn't into music at all. He's one of those people who says he's not really into music, he just isn't moved by it at all....? Total opposite of me. Maybe I could like someone who had different tastes, but to say that music isn't really something that you are passionate about is odd and something I can't relate to. Aside from our profession, we don't really have that much in common. The only thing that I think we do have in common: we're just NOT that into each other. My problem is that I'm so lonely and affection-deprived that I just want something to tide me over.

I think the problem is that there's nobody else. Nobody. I have zero distractions. There's nobody else to think about, get excited about, hope to see on weekends. He's it. That's so sad. I really wish I had options, crushes, anything.

I went out with B on Saturday with some of her coworkers. One coworker brought her friend. She was this dark haired dark eyed and fake tanned girl. I mean I guess she was pretty, but it must've been something else because EVERY guy was hitting on her. Her friend was like, "It's always like this. I don't get it." She attributed it to her bubbly personality.

I mean, I don't think I'm a mute when it comes to guys, but maybe they see me as unapproachable? I can only think of two things that guys would be turned off by: personality or looks. Well, if they don't talk to me, it has to be something else...my looks. Maybe that's why T isn't into me, maybe I'm out of his league. His last girlfriend was like "model" pretty. I should've known.

My friends always tell me that leagues don't exist, but they are in like the top 3 leagues and have never had problems attracting guys. They've never been called ugly to their face. I don't even look at guys if they're too pretty because I know. I know, they know, everybody knows, but nobody wants to tell they're friend..."oh yeah, you're not pretty enough for him." I don't care what people say, we live in a superficial world (and i'm superficial girl...j/k couldn't resist). It just sucks when the major thing you rely on to attract love is one thing that you can't control...unless you go under the knife. More and more I've been feeling like my nose is super big for my face. Of course I would never get a nose job...but only because I couldn't afford it. I would totally do it if I had the money.

Ugh. I wish things would happen for me. Anything to make my life interesting. I feel like I've been going out a lot through friends, coworkers, meetups, friends I've met through meetups...but it's not filling the void. Being busy helps a little, but not when I'm lying in bed wishing I had someone lying next to me or when I've had a bad day or a great day even. I'm always asking the people I go out with how they meet their dates, boyfriends, etc. and they're the usual stories-work, through a friend, a neighbor, an old schoolmate. I've explored those resources and even beyond. It just sucks when you don't get out what you put in.

I feel like I'm just rambling at this point. I'll stop now.

A shoulder to cry on

This post is in response to ecrivain's post. It was getting too long for a comment and it had a lot of stuff I wanted to say, so here it is:

i don't want to say i know "exactly" how you feel, because i think everyone is entitled to their individual feelings and feeling like you own them? if that makes any sense. because we all have moments when we feel like "nobody else can possibly feel like i do know," and it's true, because i haven't lived your life. but just know that there are people out there who've felt that feeling too-like, nobody, NOBODY, feels this or gets me.

i had the same realization you had when i graduated college. i remember i sobbed like a baby the night before my college graduation. my roommate told someone, "oh, she's just sad we're graduating." i said, "no, that's not why." it was because i was in total disbelief that i was nowhere near where i thought i would be at that age. i thought i would've met someone in those 4 years, lost my virginity, matured, figured out my career path...and none of it was true. i cried the whole drive back home too. i had to make my mom drive my car because i was so hysterical. she thought what my roommate thought. i let her believe it.

i have a feeling that i will feel the same things near my 30th, that i'm not where i'm supposed to be or want to be. it's something my therapist called me out on. she told me i gauge myself too much against other people and societal expectations. I disagree with her though; it's not just about other people and being normal, it's about wanting what any normal human being would want-love and acceptance.

it sucks, i did nothing for my bday this year. when my coworkers asked what i did for my bday, all i could say was "my parents took me out for dinner." (woohoo) no party, no big gift, no hullaballoo...but there never is a big to do about me.

even in my family, i feel like i've gotten the shaft. in my parent's home are my brother's wedding pics, my sister's wedding pics, pics of my niece and nephews, pics of my siblings' families, and my brother and sister's grad school pics. yeah, maybe i chose not to go to my grad school graduation, but really, i didn't think anyone would come, especially my siblings and their kids-too crazy with all the youngins, ya know. literally, i'm in two pics in my parent's house. one is me standing next to my sister in her cap and gown and another is me with my brother and his wife. but to me, it's more like i'm some random person in the background of a photo, i just happened to be there. it's like if you aren't married or have kids, what have you really accomplished? at least in my parents' eyes.

Torn

So last Thursday, I got an email from A saying that she was having people over her house Friday and that I should come (she sent this to a couple of people). I didn't answer because, my honest first gut reaction was "yeah, like I wanna hang out with you and your bf, and all our friends and their bfs." So, on Monday I kind of felt bad about not responding and sent her an email being as honest as I could. Even though this wasn't something my shrink suggested, I'm experimenting with it as a way to get over my bitterness. I told her what my gut reaction was and that I don't want her to be offended if I decline from hanging out at events where it's just going to be all couples. I told her that it's the reason I prolly won't' go to a bbq that B is having at her new house next weekend.

A wrote back and said that she really didn't expect me to come or even reply, but she wanted to invite me anyway. She also said that she feels like her and her bf really are a big cause of why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling. She got this because I told her back in January that a lot did change when she started dating her bf because, out of everyone in our group of friends, she was the one person I could relate to, because she too had never had a bf or been in love and I could look at her when the other girls were talking about bfs and sex and we could roll our eyes and make sarcastic comments and laugh. I never meant to make her feel like me distancing myself was all her fault, but I guess she sort of took it that way.

She said that she knew the feeling of being the only one without someone, but again, she wasn't, because there was always me. Whatever. I also said that ever since people starting pairing off, it was like going out once every three months was enough for people because they had other friends and their bfs to hang out with and for me, with neither of those, it just wasn't enough. Anyways, she last thing she wrote back to me was that she did wish we could hang out more, just the girls and "I know we didn't see each other all the time. But when we did it was fun." I mean, thanks, but is that all you saw in me? As someone to just have fun with? I hope I'm reading too much into it and she saw me as a true friend.

So, I have written that I had joined this online site where you meet with people with similar interests. I went to one where it was a road race, but it was so crowded, I never found my group. Well, I had also joined a group of young 20something women. Wednesday night, there was a meeting at an ice cream shop. Unfortunately, I never got the notice that the organizer was stuck at work and she didn't show. I did end up meeting 3 other people who showed, but it wasn't exaclty what I was looking for. One girl was still in her undergrad, so pretty young, and had a bf. Another girl just finished her undergrad and was married. The last girl was older, not sure how old, getting her MBA and "shopping for rings" with her bf. I guess I was hoping for more single people. I don't want to be so judgemental and picky, but the whole reason I joined the group is because I want to find people who are in the same point in their life who I can identify with. Am I wrong for being so picky?

I feel like at this point in my life, I have a clear view of what I want and what I don't want-in my career, my family, my friends, my love interest. Why should I have to compromise, especially when there are hoards of other people who never have to? And why does not compromising mean I have to be completely miserable?

The online dating site that originally rejected me (I think because when I filled out the form I was honest with my happiness and self-image levels whereas this time I fudged it a bit) has since accepted me, but DAYUM, it's expensive, almost twice the other online dating site I tried. I vowed that I would never pay for another site again, but now, I'm not sure. What if it's the only hope for me and I choose to ignore it? Am I making a conscious decision to doom my love life by not joining an online dating site? Ugh. I hate that other people never have to even come close to having to make these kinds of decisions. Lucky fucking bastards! What? Do I sound bitter?

Love, Therapy and Ice Cream...not in that order

Man, today is flippin hot outside. Luckily, the president of where I work (here's a hint: it's a prestigious university in Cambridge) threw an ice cream social for all of the employees today, which was much appreciated by all. I indulged, even though I do have the 'tose. I know, masochistic, but who can resist free ice cream?

I wish I had it yesterday though. I ended up leaving work early because I was so hot. My face felt like it was on fire. Usually, when I get that hot and lightheaded, it means I have a fever, but I checked and none. I slept 2.5 hours when I got home, but still felt crummy all night. Luckily, I felt tons better today.

HOWEVER, this little ailment, I'm not sure whether to say unfortunately OR conveniently, fell on the day I was to meet with K and talk about everything that's been going on lately. I had emailed her on her birthday (the 18th) but she said she was away through the weekend. Fine with me, since I was working and seeing my sister for her birthday that weekend. She said she was only free Wednesday night, I had to work Wednesday night. She said she was away for the next weekend, how about Monday? I said fine. Then, I end up feeling not so good, I said how about Tuesday? Well, K (little Miss Social) made plans for Tuesday since we already set a date for Monday and was leaving to go away on Wednesday through July 19th! Like who is she that she has this many plans? Ok, maaaaybbbee I am overreacting seeing as I have NO social life, but come on. Also, I feel like if she really wanted to see me, since we haven't met since December, that she might rearrange some plans so we could talk before she left for 2.5 weeks? Oh well, at least I get to put off that meeting for a while.

So, I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow and I was really planning on having met with K to have stuff to talk about. It's weird. Sometimes, there's an awkward silence in our meetings and I don't know if I should be talking more or what. It feels like when I was a kid in Catholic school and I used to make up sins for confession because I didn't think I "had enough good stuff." I know, twisted. I was lying in confession about sins I didn't commit...there's Catholic guilt for ya. Maybe this time she'll actually have stuff to say to me.

Oh, so the love part of my blog title. Sooo, since I was feeling crappy last night, I inevitably had really weird dreams. One of which I shared with my coworkers. I was propelling myself into space and I was trying to get to the planet Aquarius (?) but I fell asleep and overshot it and landed on Venus. And for some reason, by the laws of motion in space (again, I have no idea) I couldn't figure out how to get back to Aquarius. So my boss makes the remark "Maybe it means you're going to find love soon." I was kind of taken aback and just changed the subject. But I've noticed she makes these kinds of comments frequently, I mean about my love life, or lack thereof, rather. Once, I was telling a student worker that sometimes when I'm running in my neighborhood, drivers will beep at me. I don't know if it's to say "way to go, keep running!" or "hey!" like maybe they think I'm someone I'm not since I don't know anyone in my town. My boss overhears this and says "Maybe they think you're cute." I'm thinking, yeah, cuz I look so hot heaving and sweating my balls off? I remember she made another comment a while ago and it didn't even make any sense? I can't remember the context, but again, she said something like "maybe he thought you were cute." I just ignore it because frankly, it makes me feel awkward, slightly pathetic, and unsure of how to respond.

My So-Called Life

I know that it's not just me because I've seen other people reference it in their blogs. Why is that I identify with the fifteen year old character Angela in My So-Called Life? I'm 27 years old, but I still to this day identify with the things she said and they way she saw and felt about the world.

Quote for today:

"I thought, at least, by the age of fifteen, I would have a love life. But, I don't even have a "like" life."

(Only, insert "age twenty seven" instead of fifteen and it's me)

Poll of one

So, I think I only have one reader right now haha, but I wonder what people think...is it better to be single, alone, and pining after someone who doesn't want you (story of my life thus far) OR is it better to be single, alone, and have nobody in particular in your life at the moment that you're interested in. I haven't been interested in anyone since T. I actually don't really think about him much at all anymore, probably because I don't see him like I did when we were in school together. Before T it was 5 years since I was really into anyone. That stretch was sooo long I swore that I was asexual or something, but at least there were random hookups and makeouts to fill the time. Now, since I don't have friends anymore, I don't go out, and therefore, avoid those shenanigans. It's just so....well, boring. My life is really boring.

Speaking of my "friends," I've been wondering a lot lately what I'm going to do if or when I decide that I do need friends. What if they're not there when I want them back? What if they're like "fuck it, you bailed on us" and that's the end of it. I'm doubting myself if I should have distanced myself from them, if I should have just kept on pretending that I was okay and that I was fine with being the only single one left, the only one that's never been in love or in a relationship. Maybe I should have just sucked it up and dealt with it, like I'm sure everyone else in this world does. What if I become the cat lady....the woman with no friends who lives alone with her cats and calls them her children, because she never married and had kids of her own. Oh my god. I need to stop and go to bed.