The Universe Hates Me

...and now I have adult acne. Shoot me.

Feeling overwhelmed

These stupid rainy weekends always put me in a more depressed mood than usual. Today I've been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. So beware, this is sort of a bitchfest.

After months of struggling with the decision to divorce my father, my mother decided to put the divorce on hold after my father *promised* to go to AA and work on his addiction. This news should make me happy, but in fact it actually upsets me more.

I've seen all of what she has had to endure emotionally, psychologically, and physically that I just don't want her to go through any more. I've also seen his pattern of saying it'll get better and that he wants to work it out and then disappointing her. I have a feeling that his latest attempt at reconciliation is under false pretenses. I think he's either lonely now that the holiday season is approaching, he's missing his grandkids he's not allowed to see and thinks repairing the marriage will rectify that, or he's just plain tired of cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes and dishes and wants her to do it for him again.

Even though I am his daughter and I am connected to the situation, I think growing up I definitely saw things through different eyes than my mother. I wasn't married to him and I didn't have to stay with him and live with him forever. After high school it was only summers in college that I had to endure his behavior and his verbal abuse to my mom. I feel like I developed a more objective view of their relationship because he really was never a dad to me, just someone who happened to be my father.

It's funny that as a person who's never had a real relationship I feel as though I have a good idea of what a healthy one should be. It probably is the reason I am so picky with who I want to be with, which I think I've written about previously.

With all of this going on, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it or someone to get my mind off of it and cheer me up. I know I can call my friends, but they have their own stuff going on and sometimes it's random times during the day that I wish I could talk to a best friend, have them give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. That guy from The Wedding Singer was right, that's all I really want.

I hate that everything I want is so unattainable to me-love, a house, a normal family. I know everyone's family is not "normal" but I wish that I was actually able to envision a wedding for myself, but I can't. My father wouldn't be in the picture. We don't talk to half my family because of family fights. There's a couple "bad sheep," one of which is currently in jail. I think there would be less than 10 people on my side there. We can barely have any normal family functions. This Thanksgiving is a good example. My brother invited my dad (he still talks to him for some reason which I cannot understand), he didn't end up going, but he didn't even invite me (single and all alone!) or my sister and her family. So my brother and sister each spent the holiday alone. So weird. I ended up going with my mom to my grandparents house and my neurotic aunt and my 35 yr old cousin, who my grandparents and aunt still support, were there! Hello, you're 35, grow up!

I can't afford a home because I don't make a lot in my profession and probably never will so owning without the help of someone else (and I cannot handle a roommate at this point in my life) is out of the question. I'm beginning to hate this stupid apartment. My downstairs neighbor plays his bass SO loud, it's ridiculous. I told him to lower it the day he moved in, but I still hear it every day. Last night I was so upset I stomped on the floor out of frustration. I hate that it's come to that. I can't even get a dog here, which I'd love to have for company and some love in my life.

I think my friends think that I should go to therapy for everything that I'm feeling, but I've tried that and I don't feel like it really helped. Besides, a therapist can't repair my family for me, they wouldn't be able to buy me a home, and I don't think it's in their job description to find me a date. I understand that a therapist would help you deal with you problems and maybe accept your life as it is, be thankful for what you do have. But why would I want to accept and be happy with this life? Isn't it everyone's dream to find love and happiness? Why would I want to accept a life of loneliness? I am thankful for what I do have and know that some people have much less than I do, materialistically that is, but there are some people who have so much less but at the same time have so much more than I do, emotionally that is. I think I'd give up everything I have to love someone who'd love me back.

Why do I even bother?

So, my mom did not have a second heart attack, which is great news, although, there is still a very long road ahead of her. I just hope that it doesn't affect her physically again like that, so scary. She called me Friday night so upset. I was out with K and got a voicemail. I feel horrible being so far away from her while she's going through this and also not knowing what to say to her either.

Friday, I met up with K and her fiance on a pub crawl that her coworkers had organized. People, my friends mostly, wonder why I'm so pessimistic about finding someone and don't understand why I think I'll ultimately end up alone. Friday night was the perfect example of my reasoning. Upon being introduced to two guys that showed up, they not only gave me the most uninterested look, they immediately walked away and talked to other people. Maybe they were attached, maybe they were gay, but usually, nay always, this is the reaction I get from men-disinterest.

Later, I was talking to K and this one guy and realized he grew up a town over from me. I'm a little older and couldn't name anyone he knew, but still, he made no attempt to even talk about this commonality. Rather, he was totally distracted texting on his phone. If, however, I was attractive, how much do you want to bet that there would be endless things to sprout from that one fact. I was going to go on to a party with K and her fiance but at the last minute decided to just go home.

It was just one of those nights where you feel like "why do I even bother?" Why do I bother putting on makeup and straightening my hair and picking out a cute outfit when I'm going to be totally ignored by the exact people I am trying to impress. It doesn't even make me feel better to do those things. On What Not to Wear they're always saying you should dress and take care of your appearance to make yourself feel better, but honestly, it just makes me feel like I'm living a lie, like I'm trying to fit in and it's not even working. It really bothers me that all of my friends don't even need to wear makeup or do their hair to look good, they're pretty naturally. And me, I look like a haggard without makeup or done hair.

I had a horrible Saturday. It was dark and rainy all day, thanks Ida, and I just felt awful. I just don't know why I try to trick myself into believing that it'll happen eventually, when I, of all people, know deep down that it won't. Every day I feel like I'm looking older and looking worse than when I was younger. My eyes are so sunken in and baggy and I'm getting random white hairs. Maybe I should just embrace my age and looks and say "fuck it." What would it even matter?

I guess the reason I'm posting today is that A just got engaged. So, out of all my friends that live on the east coast I am the only single one, the only one who is not married or not engaged. Still gets me every time.

Every little thing is making me feel less and less close to my friends. Wedding stuff, buying houses, starting families, dealing with in-laws. It's all just so foreign to me. I can tell that they grasp at straws to talk about things too, because I have nothing going on, except my parents, which isn't something I necessarily want to talk about all the time. I know that when we all get together at xmas, they're all going to want to talk about wedding crap. Joy.

I'd rather be alone

So, my mom is in the hospital again. My parent's are officially getting divorced, well, as soon as the marshall can find my dad to serve him the papers. I guess my mom found out that not only was he fooling around with someone else, he signed up for match.com. I'd say he's checked out of the marraige. She finally made the decision, and I'm proud of her, but I wish it wasn't so phsyically taxing on her. So far it doesn't look like it's another heart attack, maybe just a bad anxiety attack from being so upset, but still. I'm worried about her. She's never gone through A breakup at all let alone a 42 year relationship breakup.

I don't know if it's because I saw first hand how awful a marraige can be and how trapped you can get in it when your feelings get so strong and overpowering that I've been so picky and waited so long in finding someone of my own. I am so scared of ending up with someone that I'd fall out of love with or who would end up treating me like crap. I want this person to be perfect. In doing so, though, I'm scared I've built up my image of this person to something nobody could measure up to. Although, in the end, I think I'd rather be alone, forever, than be with someone who treated me the way my dad has treated my mom.

I just hope that there's some peace ahead. For me, for her, for everyone in my family. I don't know how much more stress I can take. I noticed a cold sore coming on yesterday, I'm sure from stress. Ironically, I've been getting them since I was 11 or 12, probably from sharing a glass and not from being promiscuous like so many people insinuate when they see people with them. And it only adds to me feeling horrible and disgusting on top of feeling sad and worried for my mom. At least it's Friday and I can avoid everyone for 2 days.

No one to notice

I went to a concert last night with A and D and before we went we grabbed a drink. A said she was feeling really bummed lately and she didn't know why. I said yeah, I've been feeling pretty bummed lately too. She was like, yeah, these past 3 days have been awful. I was like, oh, I've been bummed since D's wedding...a MONTH ago. I guess that didn't seem to phase her. She was like, my boyfriend even asked what was wrong, like, it's bad enough that other people are noticing. Funny, nobody ever really notices when I'm bummed out because I never see anyone and live alone. So, really I don't know why I even bother telling anyone. Nobody really seems to care.

I have a birthday party to go to tonight, it's actually the guy from the wedding that asked me why I wasn't married yet. I really don't even feel like going. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel like I should go just because my friends are and one from out of state will be there. Ugh.

I really wish I could get out of here, like to another state or country or something. I've been looking at job sites, but there really isn't anything out there. I feel like this place is suffocating me for some reason. I need to get away. I feel like I want to retreat from everyone like last time. I know that's not a solution, but somehow it was comforting. I can't really explain.

Anyways, I guess I should go get ready for this stupid party.

Nearing the edge

Do you ever get that feeling that you're losing absolute control over everything, including yourself? These past few days, maybe even weeks, I've felt like everything and anything is irritating me and that I'm getting closer to losing my mind.

I'm not sure what's going on my parent's marriage, but my father moved out of the house. Not sure if it's a permanent thing or what, but he was telling neighbors, people he doesn't even usually talk to, that they were getting divorced. Who knows anymore, my mother won't tell me anything. Even though it doesn't directly involve me and really it's what I want, it's still getting to me, probably because of what it must be like for my mom.

Little things about my apartment are driving me nuts. This will really make it seem like I'm going crazy, but I keep hearing a beeping noise periodically and it's driving me absolutely insane. It sounds like when your smoke detector needs new batteries-that sharp high pitched noise. Except it's not in my apartment, and it only beeps 3 times every few hours, so by the time I try to figure out where it's coming from, it stops. It's waking me up in the middle of the night and in the early morning.

This morning, on my day off, roofers came to put on a new roof to my apt building and started hammering, it felt like, right into my brain. I wanted to kill them.

I don't know why but I'm getting in this weird funk. Really getting sad about being alone. I try so hard not to care, caring only hurts. But I feel like it's all around me, everywhere I go. K is planning her wedding. Seems like A will get engaged any day now. I ran into Starbucks Saturday and in front of me were two girls who it sounded like went to high school together and just ran into each other and were catching up, girl 1: "hey how are you?" girl 2: "good, just got engaged" girl 1: "omg, me too!" Sigh. It's just everywhere.

I wish I could get out of here. Get a house far away from all civilization and not be bothered by anyone anymore. Have my own stuff instead of my landlord's crappy place. I'd like to move away, but I'm too practical to move without having a job first and of course there are no jobs now. I don't even think a vacation would help. I'd only have to come back to this place, these people, this life.

Sometimes I wonder, what is it that makes people "snap"? What makes people lose it, whether it's a mental breakdown or a mental break? Why can some people withstand trauma, even severe mental trauma, while others can handle very little? What determines that breaking point? Why can some people deal and others not? I guess that's what psychologists have been trying to figure out all this time. I wonder what my breaking point will be.

I've fallen and I...hello? hello?

Saturday morning I woke up at 6:30 to go to the bathroom. I tried not to wake myself up too much so that I could go right back to sleep really quickly. I'm not sure if it was because I was still half-asleep or if I tripped on something with my eyes only half open, but I fell. Hard.

I only remember walking through my kitchen and the next thing I know I'm lying on the floor in front of my bathroom shaking. On the way down, I hit my elbow, my shoulder, my back, and I'm pretty sure I hit my head most likely on closet doors and doorknobs. I knocked into my closet door that my ironing board hangs on and it made a pretty loud metallic clank.The first thing I did was turn on the light and made sure I wasn't bleeding anywhere. Thankfully, I just have some nice big bruises and a lasting headache.

At first I thought, oh crap, I must've woken up my neighbors for sure. But then I remembered that the guy below me had moved out last weekend. And the asshole who lives next to me probably couldn't give a shit anyways.

Nothing hurt so much that I cried, but I did end up crying because really, what if I had cracked my skull open, or had a concussion. All day Saturday nobody called me. I did an experiment and didn't go on FB or instant messenger. I could've been dead lying on my floor for probably 24-48 hours before someone realized I was dead. Is that weird that I think that?

I know it's not just that I'm single, I also live alone, so I guess for anyone that lives alone, you really run the chance of having something happen to you and nobody knowing about it, especially if it's on the weekend. It just makes me sad.

I've been pretty bummed all week since the wedding and this just topped it off. I'm just getting really sick of everything. I hate that I can't have anything I want-a relationship, a home, a dog, a normal family. That Smiths song keeps running through my head. He's right, it really could drive you mad.

That Morrissey was a smart one. He once said, "I do think it's possible to go through life and never fall in love, or find someone who loves you." I believe it too, as much as I don't want to.

"So, why aren't you married?"

This past weekend I went to my friend D's wedding. I was actually kind of surprised there was no drama. We all hate her husband and her mother-in-law is a certified nut job. It was actually a really fun wedding...

...ya know, except for a few key moments. Oh come on, how could a 30-year old single lady have absolutely nothing to complain about going to a wedding. So, I shared a room with my other only single friend C who was in the wedding, and my friend M and her husband. So I went with them to the church. Well, they scooted into a pew with my friend B and her husband and this guy I went to college with and his wife. (Note: couple, couple, couple). So I had to sit in the pew in front of them with this other girl from college and her husband. Then K showed up with her fiance and sat on the other side of them. (Note: couple, couple, Me). I look up a few pews and I see A's sister and her fiance, and another college friend and her husband and A's boyfriend (A was also in the wedding.) So it was awesome to be the only one who needed an usher to take her to her seat. Good times.

The wedding was a full mass which is kind of annoying, and I'm not just saying that because I'm atheist, I just think it just delays the onset of cocktail hour at the reception. It was surprisingly short, but when they go to the part where they say "for all the sick, blah blah blah" and then everyone's supposed to say "pray for us" or something, I can't remember the exact wording, it's been a while. Anyways, the priest goes, "for all the married couples, may their love continue blah blah blah" whatever it was, but he didn't mention the single ladies HELLO! How about "for all the single people out there, that they may find true love and happiness" No, nobody in that church prayed for me. We singletons get ignored. Thanks.

So, we get to the reception and are having drinks during the cocktail hour and this guy I went to college with comes up to me and before he even says hello says, "So, why aren't you married?" Um, what? I was NOT expecting that. I didn't even know what to say. It was like a slap in the face. For a split second, I got that pre-cry burn feeling in my eye, but it only lasted a second and I got over it. I looked at my friend M's husband who was standing there and he just had this blank look on his face. He didn't think to say "Hey, come on, that's not a very nice thing to say" no, he just stood there. Finally, I just said "I don't know" with kind of an offended attitude. He then got defensive and was like, "No, no I didn't mean that in a bad way, I meant it as a compliment, like why aren't you married by now?"

I'm sorry, there has got to be a better way to phrase that. How about "so why hasn't some lucky guy snatched you up yet?" or something. I mean, I don't really like that either. How about you don't bring me being single to my attention at all? How about that? Jerk.

So we go sit down and wait for the wedding party to get introduced and the photographer is going around to the tables taking pictures. He comes up to our table, which consists of all couples and me (my friend C sat with us, but she still was waiting to be introduced so she wasn't there), and he says "Ok, I'd like to get some couple shots." I rolled my eyes and made a face to try and make a joke of it quickly because of course all eyes went to me. I felt so stupid. Then my friend K who was sitting next to me was like "we can take a picture together." I was like, forget it. Good thing the bar opened shortly thereafter and I proceeded to get completely drunk and forgot about being alone...

That is until the stupid bouquet toss. I'm sorry, unless you are in your early 20's and you still have a ton of single friends, there is no need to throw your fucking bouquet. The DJ announces that he wants all the single girls on the floor and literally it was like crickets. It was me, C, and one of the brides friends. Disaster. So, the DJ was like, "if you have a boyfriend you're still "technically" single, so get out there." A couple more people showed up. I moved to the back and kept my arms down. I caught two bouquets when I was 24 and look how much luck that brought me. Fuck off. So, my friend A caught it, which is just as well since she'll probably become engaged in the next couple of months or so.

I was really surprised I didn't cry at all, not even late night. I did get upset the following day looking back at it all. It was all just so up in my face. I try to just ignore the fact that I'm single and alone and depressed about it and I think I do a pretty okay job going through life pushing it to the back burner. Most people don't ask me about my love life or bring it up and I sure as hell don't talk about it anymore. It just seemed that it was unavoidable. Something to look forward to at K's wedding next summer. Sure as hell hope C doesn't have a boyfriend then or I just might shoot myself.

Looking for drama

So I went to my friends house on Wednesday for a potluck, the one who lives in T's neighborhood. As I was walking there I suddenly got all nervous that I might run into him again like last time. Not this time though. I have to say that I was slightly disappointed. What is wrong with me? I don't want him. I know he's not right for me. I know he doesn't want me. Later, I realized from facebook stalking him that he moved and might not even live in that neighborhood anymore.

Lately, I've been spending some time with K's roommate, just because it's someone new to hang out with and possibly someone to introduce me to new people. Well, I have to say I do not like her crowd. They're kinda young and the guys are SO not my style-very young, very meatheadish, very cocky, very crass. Not my flava. BUT on top of all that, she has so much drama that it makes me super jealous. I mean, she's not the prettiest girl on the street, but neither am I, and yet she has all these potential guys hanging around that she's interested in. I totally wish I had that. Although, she's into the kinda guys I'm not.

I wish I knew where to find the kind of guys I'm into-tall, skinny, intelligent, mature, modest, interested in the same things musically as I am...I just know that they're all taken...or gay. Sometimes I just wish I had drama, even just a little, just to make life interesting. It hasn't been interesting in 2 1/2 years and I'm betting it won't get any more interesting in the future what with all my friends gettin hitched and not wanting to ever go out not that I ever really met anyone from going out.

This post is so haphazard, sorry. BTW I'm watching the Holiday on TV right now....and who would go on a vacation swap and just happen to run into someone who looks like Jude Law...oh yeah, that would be someone who looks like Cameron Diaz. Yup.

Birthday blues

So, today is my 29th birthday and it's just as depressing as every other year has been in my life, but possibly more so, since this year will mark the year that every one of my close friends (except one who lives far far away) will be either engaged or married and I, I will still not even had anything close to a real relationship.

I tried to keep my birthday quiet, but the stupid admin assistant at work had it on a piece of paper by the copy machine. So all day I got "happy birthday"'s and had to fake a smile and say "thanks!" when really every time I heard it I just wanted to crawl under my desk and cry.

I went out for drinks after work with some coworkers, not to celebrate, but because there was a big meeting today about my department's "re-organization" and we wanted to let off some steam. Someone mentioned that it was my birthday, and I tried to explain how I hate my birthday and wish I could avoid it altogether. I don't get how people are so oblivious as to why someone who is almost 30 and single might be unhappy on their birthday. Hello? I don't have anyone to go home to, nobody to take me out, etc. I'm only reminded that another whole year has passed and not one person has even seriously soberly looked slightly in my direction with any interest. I have not met one person who I have found attractive. There has not been one event that would lead me to think that this year will be better than the next.

So no. Please stop. Don't wish me a happy birthday. Don't hope that I "have a GREAT day!", please, mourn with/for me. It will be another miserable year, only topped off by the fact that at the end I will be 30 and more miserable than I am today.

So good night. I will now resume to my birthday tradition of drinking and crying until I pass out.

Reality check

I feel like I start every post with me having a bad day. Oh well, I'm having another. Last night was my friend's bachelorette party (NOT the one who just got engaged). We went out to dinner and then out to a bar afterward to get our dance on. All in all it was a good time. It reminded me of the time about five years ago when we'd all go out on the town and drink and dance. Ah, the memories. Those days are LONG gone.

I had a few moments during the night that kind of bummed me out but I tried to brush them off and not let myself think about them because I didn't want to ruin my night. It worked, but instead I'm thinking of them now and have ruined my Sunday.

First, we get to the restaurant for dinner and one of my friends (her and her boyfriend have been together for 3 years, she was the one who was last to lose her v before me and I flipped out when she told me) comes over and says "sooo, [boyfriend] asked me to m..." I had a slight panic attack. I was like are you serious? Another one?! but it was "...move in with him." Still a big deal, she feels she should be engaged before moving in with someone. She mentioned this to her boyfriend and he said "well, it'll probably all happen around the same time." Greeeaaaat. I can't wait to be not only the last single girl, but also the only ones who's not engaged. Awesome.

Then later over dinner, two of my friends were saying how I should join Match. I was like, I did...twice and all I got was one date, who was shorter than he said he was and who didn't even like me. One friend said it was because I put "atheist" as my religious belief. First of all, if someone isn't open-minded enough to accept someone with differing beliefs, I don't want to date them. Second, I'd hope that there'd be some people out there who might actually share my beliefs. I think when people have very differing religious or political views, it makes it almost impossible to agree about certain things.

She was like, well if you don't think thats was what it was, what do you think it was? I made a motion around my face implying that I think it's my looks. They just did the usual "oh stop" blah blah blah and I just had to end the conversation.

I know this sounds so miserable and depressing, but sometimes I just wish that they would cut the "friend support" bullshit and level with me. I know I'm not gorgeous. I think living 30 years in this body and wearing this face that I can tell if I'm attractive or not, and I've had enough people tell me to my face that I'm not, so I think I'm not delusional here. I wish instead of telling me lies and feeding me lines about how i'll find someone and not to give up hope they would just help me cope with the fact that I won't.

Then, we were drinking and dancing and a whole bunch of Irish guys came into the bar and people were talking to them. They were talking about girls kissing each other or something. Anyways, they didn't believe my friend had kissed another girl. So she kissed me, just a peck, no big deal. I don't really have a problem with it, but I hate when girls like full on make out with each other just to get attention. After, I said "haha, that was my first kiss in 2.5 years." Then it hit me. My first kiss in 2.5 years and it was with another girl. Greeeaaat.

Then for some reason, they were trying to get these two guys to make out with me. They even got the guys to ask me?! It was so weird. They kept saying "do you want to make out?" "do you want to make out?" I mean, truthfully, I did. But not with them. And not in front of people. And honestly, if I had made out, I know I would just crave more and I know for a fact I'm never getting more, so why would I do that to myself? I feel like it's better to just try and numb myself to it and hope that my desires die out. I just walked away laughing, masking my true feelings.

Then it hit me. Looking back. Every guy I've ever kissed. All drunk. Every single one. I've never made out with a guy who was sober. I've never made out with a guy when I was sober either. So depressing. I feel so pathetic. I have to be drunk to initiate? True. A guy has to be drunk to even think about wanting to kiss me? True. And they think it's not my looks. BS.

I feel like I could easily soak this up and deal with it if only I had support. If people could tell me, okay, so you might not find anyone, now what? How do you deal with your life expecting not to find someone? I'm sick of all the "focus on yourself" crap too. What do you think I've been forced to do for the first 30 years of my life? I only focus on myself because there's no one else. I need someone to help me live life, really live it, make it through every single day, to the next year, to the next decade, alone. Why can't anyone help me do that? I guess that's maybe what the blogosphere is for.

I just wish everyone wasn't so in my face about the exact opposite of my life. Weddings, engagements, babies, houses, invitations +1, vacations together. I just wish it would all stop. I tried to do that last year and it didn't work. Distancing myself from everyone. Cutting them off. It didn't work. They didn't understand. So instead I have to pretend like everything's fine. Like I'm happy for everyone. Like I care. I'm so tired of acting. I just want to be. In peace. Or not be at all.

Bad day

I had a bad day today. My horrible annoying coworker yet again has driven me to the brink of insanity. She gets away with bloody murder. My boss excuses her from tasks that everyone else is expected to do, yet, she somehow manages to get out of them because they're technically not "in her job description." Well, ya know what bitch, there's a lot of shit that I do that's not in my job description, but I do them because I'm a fucking team player.

This was cause for a beer after work with my 40-year old coworker that reminds me so much of myself, I should probably come up with a name for her. Maybe something like Me-in-ten-years. I should actually change all lettered named people to actual names, because there are some duplicate letters. Anyways, I digress. Well, while we were drinking, don't I get a text from K saying that she is ENGAGED to her boyfriend. Shoot. Me. They've been officially dating for maybe six months. SIX months!

I really almost cried at the bar in front of my coworker. Luckily she could feel my pain. I did however cry on the train ride home and I did stop and get a six pack on my way home. I don't know why this fact furthers my depression, I knew she was with him, I knew it could be a possibility, but the fact that it's official only pushes me to realize how much further I am from that reality.

As I rode the train ride home and the sun was setting on the horizon into a beautiful orange and pink hue, I couldn't help cry under the protection of my big sunglasses. Looking at something so beautiful just made me sad. I don't know why, but all I kept thinking was that it looked so beautiful, and why couldn't I have something beautiful, something as beautiful as that sunset? Don't I deserve it? Haven't I been a good person? Maybe even better than the people that get to be happy and loved? Don't I ever get to hold onto something and have it not be fleeting?

So far the world has answered my question. And the answer is no.

Running into him, literally

So, I was walking to a friend's BBQ tonight in a nearby town and I realized that it's the neighborhood where T lives. So, I thought, wouldn't it be weird if I ran into him. Of course, sometimes I think that since we work in the same area, and of course I never see him. I mean how often do you really run into people, right? I don't anyway.

Well, of course who comes running down the street right toward me but T. We just said hi and the "oh, what are you doing here?" type thing and parted ways. I don't know what it is about him. I know we don't have much in common, he was totally rude when we went out the two times two, yes TWO years ago, and he's made no effort to try and sustain a friendship with me. Yet, I still get this feeling of, I don't know what it is, I guess you could call it lust.

He does this thing with his eyes where they're always shifting and he looks at you and looks away constantly and it's almost like he doesn't want to get caught really looking at you and for some reason that really gets to me. It makes me think he doesn't want me catching him looking at me...or something. Man I am really starved for man right now it's not even funny.

I'll prolly email him tomorrow...because I hate myself just that much.

Planning for the future

I wouldn't say that I'm a wiz when it comes to my personal finances, but I think I do okay for a regular person. I pay off my bills every month. The only debt I carry is my grad student loans. I put away money every month to save for a home. I contribute to my 401(k) plan at work (although not as much as I'd like). I may not be rolling in dough, but I think I'm prepared for the worst in this financial climate if I should happen to lose my job.

I admit, since the economy took a turn for the worst, I've only peeked at my portfolio once to see what shape it was in, and it wasn't pretty. I decided I wouldn't torture myself and not look at it until things seemed to be on the upturn. I've read that it's smarter for younger people to put about 60% of their retirement investment in the stock market because since its existence, it always trends up, and even after the crash of '29 things came back. I know that as I grow older I should be moving more and more of it into more stable things like mutual funds.

I feel like I should be pretty secure compared to other people my age who have massive amounts of debt brought on by their own credit card irresponsibility or the whole sub-prime mortgage fiasco. Some of my friends don't have a savings at all and I'm sure I know people not contributing to their company's 401(k) or 403(b). And I do feel comforted by it, in the immediate future.

The not-so-immediate future is another thing. For the past couple weeks, maybe even months, I've become more and more anxious about my long-term future, to the point where it keeps me up at night worrying. I know it sounds wicked pessimistic and crazy to think about something so far away, but I see it as more realistic. There is a chance that I will not marry anyone. If that's the case, what's going to happen when I'm old and my parents have passed away and my older brother and older sister might either be incapacitated themselves or passed as well. If I don't leave any dependents, can I realistically expect my niece and nephews to take on the responsibility of caring for their aunt?

And what happens if I'm not just old, what if I develop Alzheimer's or something and I can't manage my own finances? It wouldn't be the first time in history someone took advantage of an elderly person who didn't have all their faculties. I know this is all sounds ludicrous, I just can't help worrying about what might happen to me if I don't find anyone and/or don't have kids.

I'm not sure which makes me more sad, that I'm keeping myself up at night worrying about my life 50 years from now or that it's this that's keeping me up and not the fear of never experiencing love and intimacy with another person.

Feeling heavy, literally.

So, due to the stress of my parents' dysfunctional marriage and the stress of possible upcoming layoffs at my work and the never ending depression of never finding someone to love me, I have consequently gained 7 lbs in the last two weeks. Yay! Just what I need.

It feels so gross. It's all in my gut and I look about 4 months pregnant, which is even more depressing because it only leads my mind to think how sad it is that it can't even be a possibility. I think it's all cortisol because this exact same thing happened when I was in grad school. Then, poof, it all went away as soon as I was finished with my program. Although, I'm afraid the situation with my parents will never end and even if I don't get laid off, I'll still probably never get laid.

I feel fat. I feel gross. I feel ugly.

My coworker told me I need to de-stress. Easier said than done. I would take a vacation, if I had dough to just throw around and not save to help buy a place all by my lonesome. Massages cost money. Spas cost money. Laying on the couch only makes me feel fatter. Laying on the beach gives me skin cancer. The only thing I've been doing to take the edge off is have a beer or a latte here and there...which are full of calories. I don't know what to do.

I wish there was something in this world that brought me happiness. My family causes me stress, my niece and nephews only remind me how I'll never have kids. Hanging out with my friends only remind me that I'm the only one I know who's alone. I just want someone to come home to who will give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright. I want to be able to hug him and nestle my head into his chest and cry. It's just doesn't feel the same with your pillow.

I'm going for a run, not that that will help.

Making it work or making it worse?

So, I know that I've mentioned on my blog before that my father is an alcoholic, has been for as long as I can remember. He would go to the bar everyday right after work and drink a couple? beers there before heading home to finish just another 12-15 or so. I think my mom said that at his worst he was drinking 3 30-packs a week, just at home. Well, I don't know what she said to him or what made him stop with the 12-15, but about 5 years ago he stopped drinking beer at home and started drinking non-alcoholic beer, but he would still drink wine with dinner usually. It was a drastic move, one that I thought could be a turning point to more sober behavior.

In the past year or so, however, my dad has been drinking more and more at home. First one regular beer, then my mom said he could have 2 (of course this is still on top of the beer he drinks at the bar). Then he got all "technical" and started drinking more wine at home. My mom complained and he said "but you said I could drink two beers, you didn't say anything about wine." Ugh, duh, she meant two drinks, but to an alcoholic, or maybe just my dad, he got all pissy and literal. So now, he's drinking two beers and half a bottle of wine every day, plus the 2 or 3? beers at the bar. He's so anal about making sure that he's gotten all his intake for the day, he holds up the wine bottle to the light making sure he got exactly his full half a bottle. All in all it's about 6-7 alcoholic drinks a day, which for someone who does enjoy beer and can handle quit a bit, seems to be quite a lot. Did I also mention he takes medicine for his "anxiety" (which you're not supposed to take while drinking) as well as pain medication for arthritis (he's had two hip replacements) and that he buys drugs on the internet from the UK that are technically illegal in the US because they contain codeine? Yeah.

Anyway, my dad's behavior aside from his obvious drinking problem was never one that I approved of in any way. He's crass, lude, rude, likes to go on vacation with his guy friends and throughout their marriage has treated my mom as more of a mother and/or servant than an equal/wife. My memory is full of being witness to his verbal and mental abuse. Needless to say, I do not like my father very much, actually not at all. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that he was married to my mother, I would not choose to spend any time with him at all.

For some reason, the fact that my mother has been soley devoted to him for the past 35 years wasn't enough for him and he decided that he needed to get some extra attention. He's been seeing a "massage therapist" for this hip pain for a couple years now. Well, apparantly when my mom went to check an email sent from my dad's email account about a warranty for a purchase they recently made (since his name was on it and for some reason we all know his email password), she discovered emails with explicit and inappropriate content to this woman. He made comments about her phsyical features and also mentioned leaving my mom for her, to name a few.

I guess in order to "spare us" my mom didn't tell anyone. She bottled it up until she had a broken heart, literally. It was almost two months ago now that I got a call at work saying that my mom was in the hospital because she had a heart attack. It wasn't severe or the kind where they remove a blockage, but it was still a heart attack nontheless. In the aftermath that ensued, which went from her wanting a divorce, to wanting a separation, to wanting to "work things out," I have been on an emotional rollercoaster from hell. I agreed with the divorce idea, supported the separation downgrage, and reluctantly fell silent to the final decision, which was to "save the marriage."

I know that my parents grew up in a different generation, one where it's important to try and work things out and stay together, but it's so difficult knowing that just because you were in love with someone at one point in time does not mean that they have remained the same person for the past 30 years. Oh, did I mention they've been together since they were 15 and never dated anyone else? Yeah. It's so hard because of the fact that they have decided to stay together, I am now torn between two people, one who I love, respect, and want happiness for, and the other that I do not respect, like, or want in my life anymore.

I know that I have absolutely no relationship experience whatsoever and maybe that doesn't give me the right to judge, but at the same time, I have in some ways chosen the life I now live because I have chosen not to blindly fall into a relationship when I know that somehting is off. I have been asked out and turned men down because of the stupidest little things, but maybe these are the things that have in the end saved me from being miserable 20 years from now. Maybe the things that peopls say are little and can/will change are things that in the end will be the downfall of that relationship.

I guess, though, I have never been "blinded" by love, so much so that it dominates my decisions and leads me to places that I might not normally go. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. In one sense, it seems like the thing that I've been wishing for all along, to truly love one person completely, with the good and bad, for the rest of my life, but I also want to think that I'd be strong enough to know when a relationship becomes so destructive, where in the process of supporting them and helping them get through their crisis, that I can recognize that I have been dragged down to a point where I will not recover and ultimately save myself before it's too late.

I don't know, all I know is that I don't want to see my mom unhappy anymore and I don't want to see my dad treat her like she is not the most amazing woman that she is.

*Sigh*

Aaaand it's boring again

So, I haven't heard from either one of the guys that I talked to almost two weeks ago now. Neither one has even been online since we initially talked. I was telling myself that last weekend was a holiday weekend so I shouldn't expect anything because people have plans, get busy, whatever. The professor said he was going to the UK for a wedding, so I figured, he's out of the country. Excuses, excuses, same old shit I do to try and make believe that I actually have hope. I logged onto the online dating site I'm on and the professor deleted his account. So, unless he by chance happens to log online again, I don't have a way of talking to him anymore. Figures. Aaaand this is exactly why I don't get my hopes up.

I think I should change my blog title from Kisses from God to Punches from God or Bruises from God haha. Because thinking my freckles are kisses to show how much he loves me is alone ridiculous, not just because I'm atheist, but because it doesn't even makes sense if there was a god. I have been pushed down when I'm up more times than I've been happy, happy is a strong word, more like mildly indifferent, and kicked when I'm down on top of that. It would just be a more fitting title considering the luck I've had in my life.

Oh well, at least I know what I'm in for and know that I can live this way for some time and avoid self-harm. It would probably be worse for someone who had known what love, even like, was like and then had that taken away. I guess never having known it is a blessing in disguise. Fuck, maybe I should be thanking god, ya know, if he existed.

It finally gets interesting

So, the conversation the other night with the young guy ended up flowing fine, which was a relief, and we ended up chatting for 3 hours. I still don't know about the difference in age and education, but I haven't even met the guy, so who knows.

Last night, the other guy, the professor, IM'd me and we talked for 2 1/2 hours. The conversation seemed a bit more forced at times than with the young guy, but I think it was partially due to finding it hard to gauge sense of humor over the internet. I kind of get the impression he has a very dry sense of humor, and sarcastic, which sometimes doesn't always translate merely with words.

Neither of them mentioned meeting in person, nor did I. I'm not sure if I should, since I was the one who initiated both emails, but maybe it'll just come up. I have a feeling that upon meeting I will be able to tell instantly if I like them or not, as is usually the case with me.

I'm not getting my hopes up, since I find it pointless, but at least it gives me something to talk about. This blog is getting pretty boring, even to me, and it's my life.

Is this settling?

So right this minute I am talking to someone online that I saw on a free dating sight. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I was looking really quickly and wasn't paying attention to details very well, which is something I do all the time and decided to send this guy a message. Well, what do you know, he replied and we exchanged IM names.

Well, I later find out that he didn't finish undergrad, but is finishing up now. He is pretty young, almost 3 years younger than I am. AND to boot, he's Christian and I think he might be serious about it. If I had seen those things before emailing, I probably would've left his profile alone. I know in the end, it's the person that matters, not stupid standards. At the same time though, if you didn't have standards, where would you be?

I guess it doesn't hurt to IM for a while and see what happens. It's not like I'm marrying the guy. Right?

I actually messaged another guy who responded to my initial email, I don't know what's going on here. They NEVER respond. This one is my age, I think he's a professor from the sound of his profile, and he's Agnostic. I kinda hope he responds again, but we'll see. If I don't hear from him in a couple days, is it creepy and stalkery to email him again and ask what's up? or just leave it in his court?

I have totally forgotten how to play the game. I can barely come up with things to talk about over IM. Pathetic. People say be yourself, and I am with my friends, but I doubt this guy wants to talk about Sex and the City, references for a waxing place, or how I'm feeling a bit gassy lately...TMI? Yeah, thought so. Being myself is hard. with guys. I don't know.

Everyone but me

Saturday night I went out with a bunch of friends to a bar to celebrate a couple of friends' birthdays and my friend graduating from her PhD program. That night I found out that a couple that was on their way to the bar got engaged that morning. As we were congratulating them, I looked around and realized that everyone I was standing with was either married or engaged. In fact, everyone there but myself was in a committed relationship; eight were either married or engaged, two were in the serious relationships and I was the only single one there.

I don't think it would have bothered me so much if the husbands/boyfriends weren't there, but even if they weren't I'm not so sure. We went to the other part of the bar where there was dancing and it was so lame. It was seriously like an eighth grade dance. All of the guys were hanging around on the outside while all of the girls danced in the middle. On the occasion that a guy did try to come and dance with us, which were ALL ridiculous attempts, they all gravitated to my married or taken friends. Of course, they all kind of moved away and the guys eventually left. I couldn't help but notice that none of them came in my direction. Even if they did, it seemed like my taken friends just wanted to dance with the girls.

I feel like if I go out with them in the future, they would act the same way. They'd just want to dance with the girls and not want to dance with guys, which I totally understand. If I was in a relationship, I probably wouldn't want to dance with random guys, but for me, it feels like they are this buffer that push any single men away. I mean, you can spot their bling from a mile away, I feel like guys will just ignore us and talk to someone else. So frustrating. I miss the time when me and my friends were all single, which was like 10 years ago. Shouldn't I be wishing I was taken instead?

I can't remember who wrote it in their post, but someone said that you have to want to "play the game." I feel like I have lost all interest in the game. I don't know if it's because there isn't anyone that I'm interested in at the moment or if I'm just too tired to get my hopes up. I feel like I've run out of steam. It almost doesn't even seem like it's a factor anymore. Dating. It seems so foreign.

This might sound really weird, but I was talking to my mom about my nephew and potty training. He's only 1 years old, but he's gone on the potty at least twice. My mom was saying she feels like there's this window where they're interested and willing to give it a try, but that you have to catch them and encourage them during this window or it could pass and then they don't want to do it anymore. Then you have to wait until they're interested again, which could be years away. I feel like my love life is like potty training. I was interested in it years ago, but that passed and now I don't want to even try and it might be years until I'll feel the urge to go, I mean try again. ;p

As if it couldn't get any worse

So, last Friday night before the beer festival, I met up with T and our mutual friend at a local pub to celebrate the mutual friend's last day at his job. I didn't talk to T that much as he was socializing with people he knew and I was sticking with other people that I knew. I did go over to tell him I was leaving and told him about the beer festival the next day. I was surprised when he said he might be interested and I should let him know the details since he never responded to my online invitation. So the next day I texted him but he said he was too hungover from the night before to go. Even though I was slightly disappointed, I actually felt relieved that he wouldn't be there as possible potential for making a drunken fool out of myself.

All in all it was an okay time. I did drink way too much beer and do not remember some parts of the night, but I didn't get myself into any bad situations, which was the main objective. I did end up seeing K there even though she replied no to my online invitation. She was there with other girls she lived with in college and let me tell you, it was a little awkward. She 1. told me she wouldn't be there, 2. didn't call or text me to say she did end up going and 3. when she did see me she barely talked to me then went off with the other girls and I didn't see her again. Very sketch.

One thing I did do, though, was aggravate my medical problem that I was dealing with back in December. Not fun. I ending up having to have minor surgery and had to be out of work for a week. This was only a short-term resolution too. I might have to have major surgery if I want to make sure this doesn't happen again. I kind of knew that alcohol was a contributing factor to my problem, but it's like having a baby I guess, where once the pain is over, you forget about it because you just love that baby, or beer, so much.

It's kind of ironic that coming from an alcoholic father I would be so upset about not being able to drink when and how much I want, but I think the key distinction is that I'm not addicted. I just enjoy a beer or six every once in a while. Although, the more I look back at my drunken shenanigans, the more I realize that I feel kind of immature and stupid when I get too out of control. I am 28 after all and maybe it's time I start drinking like an adult instead of a 21 year old.

I'm really torn about what to do about this surgery though. Aside from the 2-4 week recovery time, there are some pretty serious risks, one of which is absolutely disgusting I don't think I could handle it if it happened to me, not to mention that it might make the problem worse or the problem could come back.

So, I've been super cautious about it by not going to the parade this weekend and not going out tonight for St. Patty's Day. To be around that much celebration and not drink a lot of beer would be pretty difficult to me. It's not that I can't not drink around other people who are drinking. I did that last Thursday and Friday night, mostly because I was getting over a cold and prepping myself for the festival, but I still didn't really mind. I think it's just a lot harder for me when everyone around me is completely wasted and I'm completely sober that it's difficult.

Sometimes I think that these types of activities are juvenile and I shouldn't go to them anymore. I'm reminded of my friends giving me the line of "I'm just past that point of my life" crap. At the same time though, the festival and the parade are usually swarming with young people, namely men. Unfortunately, like I said, it is a drunken mess, but you never know. This guy I went to college with who was a total player who never had a girlfriend actually met his fiance at last year's festival.

I've read a lot of blogs where people who aren't drinkers themselves also don't feel comfortable in those types of social settings where people drink: clubs, bars, parties, etc. even when it's minimal. I've read about how they don't know where to meet people since they don't go to these types of places. Then suddenly they're 40 and still virgins and/or relationshipless. I, on the other hand, don't mind going to these places but wonder when the point is when it becomes tacky to try and meet people at these types of events. I mean, I don't want to be 40 still hanging out at the beer festival surrounded by 2o something year old kids. It's just I've tried online dating and that hasn't worked either.

I'm frustrated. Even though I've tried to get out more and socialize more, starting with more girl friends, it still hasn't led to meeting any new men. I'm beginning to think more and more that all the good ones ARE taken. The more I look at the ring fingers of men I find attractive in stores, on the street, in restaurants, in bars, the more I see them covered in bands. If someone was so good that they meet all of my high standards is still on the market, why the hell is he? Wouldn't he have been grabbed up by some other more attractive girl by now?

I'm increasingly seeing myself in 5 years the same way I am now, mabye living in a condo or house instead of my apt, and maybe with a dog, but really, exactly the same. I've even noticed that I no longer dream of situations involving men. I used to. He would be the one of the three guys I've been attracted to in my life or he would be this faceless guy, but at least he was there. I used to wake up and get mad at the fact that it was a dream and not my reality. I used to try and fall back asleep quick so I could get back into it. Now, it's just mundane or bizarre dreams, all non-sexual, all unexciting...just like my waking life.

Unsettled

So tomorrow I'm going to the same beer festival I went to two years ago, the one where I made some serious mistakes. Yeah, that one. I'm a little nervous about it because it's almost a given that it'll be a shitshow. I haven't been drunk like that in a long time and I'm kind of nervous if I'll be able to have more control over my actions than last time.

You're probably thinking that if it were you, you'd never go back, but I don't think I can live like that. I mean, I love the festival for one, but also, I don't want to avoid people or places just because they remind me of something bad. I should take that experience and learn from it. Should being the operative word there.

I'm also a little sad that it's been almost two years since it happened, therefore, it's been two years since I've had sex (the first and last time) and two years since I've kissed anyone. It seems like forever. I think it's because it's around the two year mark too that I'm getting really sensitive to things around me relating to dating, love, and sex too.

Last night I went out with some coworkers and they were talking about their love lives and of course, I had nothing to contribute. (I worry that they see me as this weird asexual person who works in their office.) Also, just when anyone else talks about relationships, I get really uncomfortable. I was out with friends of a friend of a friend, haha, and they were talking about this other girl who didn't have sex with her boyfriend for like a year while they were dating and the group was all like "what? how do you not have sex with your boyfriend for 10 days let alone a whole year" and I do the whole nod and "oh yeah, that's insane!" Please, like I have any idea.

Then anytime anyone brings up the 3 date rule, it's like omg, is it really true? I am not going to be comfortable by date 3 to do that and when I don't, he's going to think I'm a freak, right? Ugh, it's these little anxieties that really get to me..the social awkwardness talking about it, the awkwardness in a relationship when you get to that point...if I ever get to that point. Probably not. I just wish I could be a normal twenty-something woman with a normal healthy sex life with relationship history. Even the stupid sex tips section of magazines that I read even though I have nothing to relate to.

I just want it all to end. I'm ready. I really am.....still waiting. Sigh. I give up.

The worse part

So on Monday I emailed T to see if he still wanted to grab drinks this week and he emailed me back on Thursday saying that he might not be able to, long story, but he'd let me know today. Well, sure enough, I haven't hear from him. I went and made other plans.

The kicker to the whole thing with T is that I don't even think I like him that much. I mean, he's okay and I think the reason why I get so into it is because he flirts pretty well. I mean, he does this teasing thing with me that nobody else ever does or ever has done, which is why I think I have these feelings. But they're not even real feelings because he isn't anything that I really want in a guy. It's more just excitement than attraction.

For one, I feel like he is not very considerate. I think that he had his own agenda when we went out two years ago, meaning, he just wanted to sleep with me. He doesn't like the same music I like. Correction, he isn't into music at all. He's one of those people who says he's not really into music, he just isn't moved by it at all....? Total opposite of me. Maybe I could like someone who had different tastes, but to say that music isn't really something that you are passionate about is odd and something I can't relate to. Aside from our profession, we don't really have that much in common. The only thing that I think we do have in common: we're just NOT that into each other. My problem is that I'm so lonely and affection-deprived that I just want something to tide me over.

I think the problem is that there's nobody else. Nobody. I have zero distractions. There's nobody else to think about, get excited about, hope to see on weekends. He's it. That's so sad. I really wish I had options, crushes, anything.

I went out with B on Saturday with some of her coworkers. One coworker brought her friend. She was this dark haired dark eyed and fake tanned girl. I mean I guess she was pretty, but it must've been something else because EVERY guy was hitting on her. Her friend was like, "It's always like this. I don't get it." She attributed it to her bubbly personality.

I mean, I don't think I'm a mute when it comes to guys, but maybe they see me as unapproachable? I can only think of two things that guys would be turned off by: personality or looks. Well, if they don't talk to me, it has to be something else...my looks. Maybe that's why T isn't into me, maybe I'm out of his league. His last girlfriend was like "model" pretty. I should've known.

My friends always tell me that leagues don't exist, but they are in like the top 3 leagues and have never had problems attracting guys. They've never been called ugly to their face. I don't even look at guys if they're too pretty because I know. I know, they know, everybody knows, but nobody wants to tell they're friend..."oh yeah, you're not pretty enough for him." I don't care what people say, we live in a superficial world (and i'm superficial girl...j/k couldn't resist). It just sucks when the major thing you rely on to attract love is one thing that you can't control...unless you go under the knife. More and more I've been feeling like my nose is super big for my face. Of course I would never get a nose job...but only because I couldn't afford it. I would totally do it if I had the money.

Ugh. I wish things would happen for me. Anything to make my life interesting. I feel like I've been going out a lot through friends, coworkers, meetups, friends I've met through meetups...but it's not filling the void. Being busy helps a little, but not when I'm lying in bed wishing I had someone lying next to me or when I've had a bad day or a great day even. I'm always asking the people I go out with how they meet their dates, boyfriends, etc. and they're the usual stories-work, through a friend, a neighbor, an old schoolmate. I've explored those resources and even beyond. It just sucks when you don't get out what you put in.

I feel like I'm just rambling at this point. I'll stop now.

Update

Apparently I texted T that he was a dick, not a jerk, that's worse. Right? Ugh. Shoot me now.

Why I'm still single.

So I was telling a friend about last night and I told her that when I got home last night I sent T a text saying "ur a jerk. so awkward!" about how they planned for me to be alone with big kid. and T texted back today saying "sorry i thought you two hit if off on the dance floor" and I wrote back "are you serious?" Here I am thinking I'm being funny, right?

So my friend was like ehhhh, that might have been a bitchy thing to say. I didn't get it. Hello? Sometimes I am so stupid. Obviously T is friends or at least friendly with this guy and maybe he doesn't see him as completely repelling or not my type, maybe he thinks he's just a good guy and maybe he really did think we hit it off and all he was doing was helping out a friend. Then I go and say are you serious? and pretty much insult T's friend to T's face. My friend was like "what if someone said that about your friend? You'd think it was rude, right?" Right. I apparently do not know how to talk to men. This is probably why I'm still single.

This is a killer.

Okay, so I went to the meetup tonight and I ended up seeing people I knew, so that was good. Although, this one guy was hitting on me, very badly I might add, and he was about two inches shorter than me to boot. He started asking me if I liked reading or watching movies and how many brothers and sisters I had, just really obvious questions that I couldn't deal with, so I left and went to see the band.

Well, since this kid was a mutual friend of T and mine, I knew T might be there and sure enough, he was. So it was kind of awkward at first, but I thought it went okay for a while. So, the kid in the band, glasses boy I'll call him, had his friends and roommates there too, including his one roommate, I'll call him big kid, for obvious reasons. This guy was nice, but big, and just not my style, but he was fun and he liked to dance, so we danced. I don't know why this gave everyone the impression that I liked him, but apparently it did. Can't a girl just dance because she feels like dancing?!

So, I'll admit it, I hit a low point. I know, please don't judge me!!!! I offered T a ride home so he wouldn't have to take a cab or miss the train. You know what that means right? Well, I said I would drive home some other people too, so it didn't seem obvious that I really meant that I would drive T home and that if he so happened to want to invite me to stay over, so be it. I know, I know, I have no self control. WELL, doesn't it end up being just big kid and T and doesn't T take it upon himself to direct me to his house FIRST (I had no idea where I was going) so that I am left in the car alone with big kid having to take him home alone. Awesome.

So big kid says something along the lines of "there was a reason he made you drop him off first" and here I'm thinking it's that T doesn't want to be left alone with me or that he can't stand me...I'm preparing myself for the worst here. No, big kid tells me it's so that he would get a chance with me! I was fucking bullshit. Like I would EVER go for big kid.
Please! Is T so obtuse and am I that fucking opaque that he couldn't see the way I was looking at him or that I was dancing that way with big kid for his benefit?! Why are guys so dumb?!

So then I had to make up a lie and tell big kid that I wasn't seeing anyone, let alone him, no offense, but I also mentioned that T was the last guy I went on a date with and that was two years ago...I hope guys talk like girls and tell each other things. I don't know why I'd want to give T the impression that he's the reason I haven't dated much in two years, cuz really that's kind of pathethic. Anyways, I am so mad and upset right now, and maybe a little tipsy, and maybe a little mad at myself for thinking that maybe I would go home with him and maybe it would be a good thing or at least that I would be okay with it because who are we kidding here, that would prolly fuck me up more than anything right now.

Shit. And I gave the annoying guy at the first bar my email address to update me on future meetups but if he emails me and asks me out or does anything else creepy I swear I'm going to lose it. What the hell? I'm going to bed, I can't even think straight right now, but I knew if I didn't type this now I wouldn't be able to capture in words later exactly how I'm feeling. UGH! slasldfkjlasjdfldsjalsl!

Ok, last one I swear.

So tonight I have plans to go to a meetup, yes alone, because everyone I asked either didn't respond or said they didn't want to go. After the meetup, I might stop in to see this guy I went to school with play in a band...I think I mentioned this all in my last post, anyways, so I was in a meeting for a couple hours this afternoon and when I got back to my desk there was an email from K. Mind you, she was one of the people who I invited to go with me tonight, so she already knew that I had these plans. She asked if I wanted to go to dinner and see a movie (He's just not that into you, which coincidentally is the story of my life, but I digress). She also casually throws in the fact that she has to drop her car off at the dealership, which is located in my town.

So, let me spell it out for you. She emails me with a plan, which seemingly looks like she wants to do something yay! but really she has ulterior motives and wants me to pick her up from the dealership so she doesn't have to take a cab. THEN she even calls me to ask me which train station is closest to the dealership, which none of them really are, but she still doesn't flat out ask me to pick her up because she knows that I have plans and am getting ready, so I don't offer. I mean, come on! It felt so good to turn down her dinner/movie plans. For once I, me, yes I have plans and you don't! Pllllththth (that's me sticking my tongue out in) AND I'm not dropping them to pick you up and have a quiet night because you have a headache. Bullshit...I'm going out tonight!

The end.

Why do I even bother?

So in addition to the incident on Friday night, a while ago I had emailed my friends to see if they would be interested in going on a road trip to Chicago. I was only there once for a very brief time and have been wanting to go back, I think a road trip would be lots of fun and I've never been on one of those either, and I thought on the way, we could stop and see C, who now lives in Ohio.

So I asked the group (6 girls) and two right off the bat said they couldn't, which is fine, I don't expect everyone to be able to go but tell me so I can start planning the trip. Well, one friend, D, who said Yeah! sounds fun! is now saying she can't. She is getting married this fall, so I understand if she will be tight on money and busy planning the wedding and whatnot, but why didn't you tell me before, you've been engaged for a while, you should know that already. Then A says she doesn't know now because she just got offered a job and she doesn't know if they'll let her take time off. She's known she will be getting a job soon.

Oh, I should say that this is a common trend in my group of friends, where if one person says no, they pretty much all say no like a domino effect....I don't know what's up with that, but it's pretty fucking annoying.

I was all prepared for M to say she can't go either, which she hasn't yet, but at this rate, it wouldn't shock me.

Then, today I asked a bunch of the girls if they would want to go to this event for a meetup on Friday and then to see this band that this kid I went to school with, who's a mutual friend of me and T, is playing in. AND I asked them if anyone wanted to go to an anti-valentine's day pub crawl on Saturday as well. Guess what the response was. I don't know why I even bother asking them to do things with me anymore. They almost ALWAYS say no. If they say yes, I actually have to ask again and recheck because I'm so shocked and nervous that they'll cancel on me. Usually the excuse is that they're either broke, busy, or just prefer to stay home. I don't get it. Do people really enjoy sitting home watching TV every single night and weekend? Am I the only one who likes to get out among civilization and do things?

I feel like I'm slipping back into my resentful ways. I sense it at the surface everytime they reply no to one of my invites. What's the point in calling someone a friend if you never see them? I haven't seen D since right after Christmas and I asked her to meet one night for dinner to catch up and to see her new house that she bought. She replied asking if I wouldn't mind waiting til March. Sure, I don't, but it goes to what jo was saying in her post today. If people only meet every 3 months that doesn't mean they're not friends, but perhaps they're not close friends and that's what I was considering these people.

I guess it's what my old therapist was saying, which was that I need to stop getting mad at them for being what they are and accept them for what they can be, accept that they have limitations. I guess it's just hard to realize that the people you thought were your close friends are just friends and that you don't even have any close friends. You don't have anyone close at all.

So, I had a class with this kid who's playing in the band on Friday and I'm friends with him on the SU site, which is where he invited me, well, not just me, almost all of his friends. I figure regardless of how close I am to him, at least it's a way to get out of the house and try and meet people. It's so hard to do though. Meeting people, turning those people into friends and then feeling comfortable enough to consider that friend a close friend is so hard to do at this stage of life. Is it this hard for everyone or is it just me? I feel like everyone is already so settled in their friend groups and that people are usually reluctant to let new people into their lives. I hate that it's this hard.

So anyways, this guy is pretty good friends with T. So, don't ask me why, I emailed T to see if he was planning on going Friday even though I haven't talked to him in MONTHS. He replied that he wasn't sure but that maybe we could meet up for a drink next week. I didn't reply yet. I don't know what I'm doing. I think meeting him wouldn't do me any good, but the thought of seeing someone who once was considered a potential is almost too tempting to pass up. Maybe it's just the Valentine's Day blues I'm experiencing, but then again, maybe it's just life.

Why I hate everyone

So you think hate is a strong word? Well you’re right, it is. I’m not kidding. I truly hate everyone. It’s not over one thing or another. Nothing new has happened really, well, that’s not true, but I’ll get into that later. It’s really more of a realization that I am utterly and truly alone in this world with nothing to console or comfort me besides myself, who doesn’t do a very good job by the way. Other people may have a significant other to go to when they feel alone, sad, frustrated, or angry. Some people might have family that they talk to or spend time with, a close sister or mother perhaps. Other people really connect with their coworkers or they find comfort in working because it is their passion and a place they find relief or satisfaction. Some people have other people looking out for them and have people that do things or go out of their way to help them. I do not have any of these things. I have nothing and no one. I do not have a companion, my family is too wrapped up in their own lives to take the time to invest in mine, my work is just that-work, not a career, and my friends more and more seem like just acquaintances. I am completely alone in this world.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a concert with a friend of a friend. She invited the guy she’s seeing to come too, which I was fine with me because I’ve been out with them before and it wasn’t uncomfortable. He wanted to go to this art gallery beforehand for an opening, so we agreed to go to that first, then the show. Well, at around 3 she emailed me through a social utility (SU) site saying she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t going to go out tonight. I find that so frustrating. I am pretty anal when it comes to times and plans. I hate being late or making people wait for me and I hate when people cancel plans or having to cancel on someone, which I almost never do, even if I don't feel like it anymore or feel bad, I hate letting people down. I woke up early this morning to do my hair and makeup knowing I would be going out straight from work. I could’ve slept a little more if it wasn’t for this person’s cancellation. I could’ve dressed more casually instead of wearing a going-out outfit. I would’ve brought my big work bag with my book to read instead of my small going out purse, but no, I did these things because I trusted this person would follow through. I can already sense that you think I’m psycho. It gets worse, trust me, my psychoness, not the story. I also asked K if she was interested in going last week. She said maybe. I asked her again while we were playing a game on the SU site but she didn’t answer for like an hour while we were playing. Then just by chance, I checked the game today and she wrote “just saw this (yeah right), not in the mood to go out tonight.” Why do I suspect she sent it to me there and not in an email knowing that I wouldn’t be playing the game at work and wouldn’t look til I got home, which I wouldn’t have done until AFTER the show.

I know, you’re thinking I’m really paranoid and that I’m crazy to complain. Seriously though, I swear my life is just a part in everybody else’s play and my play is going bankrupt because the actors never show up, the plot is meaningless and uninteresting and nothing ever goes as planned. That’s honestly how I feel. When people ask me to participate in their lives, I mostly, no, I always agree, eager to spend time with people I care about. When I ask them to participate in mine, it’s either like pulling teeth or always a lame excuse leaving me thinking that they really could give two shits.

I am consuming an entire bottle of wine as soon as humanly possible.

I'm still alive update #3

So the third reason I hadn't been posting a lot lately was because of a family related problem. In the past, I wouldn't really talk about it with my friends because mostly I was embarrassed, but as I've grown older, I've realized that it's not something I have to be embarrassed about because it doesn't reflect on me or my character at all.

As far back as I can remember, I always picture my dad with a beer in his hand. I never really thought much about it growing up. I always thought it was kind of normal. I thought my relationship with my dad was normal. I was nothing close to daddy's little girl, in fact, when I heard that term, it always kind of creeped me out because I could never picture that type of relationship with him. He was just there.

I guess I never really noticed something was different until I was in high school. When I would go to my friends house I would see how they would interact with their dads, which wasn't something I didn't see when I was younger, I just don't think I noticed the difference until I was in my teens. I thought it was so weird. I thought, "wow, you talk to your dad?" "your dad makes dinner?" etc. Also, at that time, my dad started drinking way more alcohol, so maybe the difference in behavior was that much more dramatic.

It never really registered with me why my dad, who's a teacher, would come home at 5 or 5:30 everyday when school would let out at 2. It was only when my mom said one day that he was at "Bob's" after work that I realized he didn't work til 5 and it was only later that I learned that "Bob's" wasn't a teacher friend but a bar that I figured out what he was really doing. I never counted how much he drank back then, I just knew it was enough to piss me off and have him act like a complete asshole to not only me, but especially my mom. Only as an adult did I find out that he was drinking around 15 beers a day.

Remarkably, he never got a DUI or have some other bad thing happen to him as a result of drinking. I actually think his doctor told him his liver was in good shape, which is insane. The bad/good thing about his addiction is that it's not so bad where he's falling down or physically abusive or stealing money to buy alcohol or something; he's a functioning alcoholic, so he can hold down a job. My mom has said we should do an intervention, but really, he has nothing to lose, he has a job, money to support his habit, a house...the only thing he could lose would be us, which I don't think he'd really miss. I'm not saying he doesn't have a serious problem though. When he was having surgery a couple years ago, his dr had to order him a beer in the hospital because he was going through such bad withdrawal.

Anyways, so something must've happened at some point after I graduated college (some sort of threat or ultimatum) because my mom told him he could only have 2 beers a day at home and for the most part, we all believed, he was following those rules. Well, recently my mom found empty beer cans in their basement and over the holidays she found even more cans and empties in his car. This particularly freaked her out because she's scared that he's either drinking at work or drinking and driving and that he'll kill himself or someone else while driving. So basically he's been sneaking around and drinking right under my mom's nose.

So, my mom at this point, is trying to get my dad into therapy (he thinks he's just depressed, yeah right) and trying to make it work. I, on the other hand, want to tell her to divorce him because I think he's verbally abusive, childish, arrogant, and completely worthless to her. How do I say that to her and be supportive of her at the same time? It's tough. I don't know what to do. Personally, I could really take him or leave him. He was so mean to us growing up and aside from financially supporting me, he has been far from anything resembling a parent to me.

So, that's basically it.

Aside from that I'm having a particularly bad day. I have a huge cold sore on my lip. (I hate that I get them because I don't even have any fun times to attribute it to. I've been getting them ever since I was like seven, must've shared a drink with somone.) Then my mom was trying to give me a big chunk of money to help me with a downpayment and I didn't want it. She said that she gave my brother and sister similar amounts at their weddings. I said, yeah at their weddings and she said "who knows if you'll ever get married." Thanks mom, thanks. THEN, driving home, I got a nice big speeding ticket. Awesome. I'm having an awesome day.

I'm still alive update #2

So, another reason that I haven't blogged in a while was due to a personal medical problem, which was possibly the most embarrassing and disgusting thing imaginable. Because of this, I will absolutely spare you all the details, but I will say it had to do with my digestive system. I was in the most pain of my life for almost a month and almost ended up in the ER. Thankfully, a few doctors visits later and some highly nauseating treatments, I am feeling much better. However, even though I am temporarily better, it is pretty much guaranteed that I will have to live with this problem for the rest of my life.

I probably wouldn't share this information except that it directly affects my feelings towards relationships. It's not exactly something that I could hide from someone I would potentially be involved with. It's not like I could be crying in pain and NOT tell someone what was wrong. I had trouble talking to my doctor about it, how could I tell someone I liked? There are other reasons why it would be unavoidable to share this information to a potential boyfriend too. So, as I mentioned in my last post, I am trying to come to terms with never being with anyone, this is a huge contributor making this realization all the more easy. I could just avoid relationships altogether. Problem solved.

I know it's silly and that you're supposed to be able to share anything with the person you love, but it would most likely have to be shared sooner rather than later. So, it's not something I could save til I felt more comfortable with them. I don't think I'm being crazy because if a guy told me about this problem, I don't know how I would react either. Maybe I would like them enough that it wouldn't matter, but I am so guarded with revealing things about myself, my life, and my past, that I don't know if I'd be able to do it without dying of embarrassment first.

That brings me to the next thing that has been delaying my posts, but I'll save it for another time. It's too long to get into just now.

I'm still alive update #1

So, I know I haven't posted in a while, and it's for the reason I often lapse in posting, either I've got nothing to say because nothing is going on or what I do have to say is so depressing that I don't want to be whiny.

Last month wasn't the greatest for a couple of reasons, which I'll elaborate more on in upcoming posts. One of the main things bothering me last month I guess directly relates to the holidays and how I guess everyone feels lonely around them.

One thing that I noticed was that on my social utility site, everyone and their mother seems to either be married, engaged, or in a relationship and a couple profile photo to prove it-barf. I actually sat and counted up the single people that I know and I came up with 5 people. That's only people that I would consider friends or acquantences. If I wanted to include just friends, it's 2. Sometimes I feel like it's just all in my face everywhere I look.

On top of that one of my friends just got engaged and so the topic of conversation around my friends is of course weddings, and then turns to having babies, blah blah blah. Most uncomfortable was when my friends and I got together the Saturday after Christmas and the conversation turned to sex and if people had tried something specific that I won't get into here. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable being around the conversation, I don't mind getting pretty explicit about things, I'm definitely not a prude that way, maybe in other ways, but not conversationally. I guess it was more that I couldn't contribute to the conversation, because really, who am I to give an opinion when I haven't been in the situation or even remotely close to it. I don't know if anyone noticed that I didn't speak during that part of the night, but how could they not, everyone went around saying if they had or had not done it, except for me.

I also don't feel very hopeful about this new year. Online dating has been a complete bust for me and I will not be doing it again. I will attempt at going to these social meetings, but not to find men, more to just meet new people, girlfriends and guy friends, and keep myself busy.

At this point, I am trying to condition myself to not expect anything out of life. I know this goes against everything that the Secret teaches, but it also falls into the mentality of stuff happens when you're not looking for it too, so whatever. I've already pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have children. It's weird, I've always thought I wanted kids, but the more time I spend with my niece and nephews (which are great kids don't get me wrong) the more I realize that I don't know if I want them. Here's my reasoning. #1 I love sleep. I hate waking up early for anything. #2 I have zero tolerance for misbehavior and have a pretty bad temper, when I do get angry. I'm slightly afraid I'd be a spanker, which I don't necessarily want to be. #3 I see how draining kids are and how they hinder your life in many ways. I really like my freedom and don't know whether I could give up things. I know, I know, it's different when it's your own kids, but right now, unlike many of my other friends, I am NOT itching to have them anytime soon.

This works in my advantage I think. Don't guys get scared by those girls who are like "I just want to get married and have kids!" haha, well, maybe not, but I'm going to believe it's true. Next on my list is to condition myself not to expect marriage. Not everyone gets married in this world. And even more people don't stay married. This one is a little harder because if I don't have marriage to look forward to, then what do I? I am not one of those career driven people who wants to move up on the career ladder. So, what else is there? Watching everyone around you marry, have kids, etc. I know it's very "I have nothing to live for, let me just kill myself" kind of mentality. I mean sometimes I do feel that way, other times I don't, I just feel numb.

All I know is that I can't let myself believe that something will eventually happen. I've done that for over 15 years and I'm just continuously disappointed and driven deeper into depression. I figure if I expect nothing at all, if I do find something, at least I'll be surprised. But like I said, I am really feeling like I won't find anything and as weird as it sounds, it's starting to feel comforting.