Feeling the stress

I wish that I was inspired to write when things go right in my life, but of course, that's never the case.

My acne decided to clear up just before I had to take some time off from work to take care of a medical issue that I've been struggling with for years. I had to have surgery and was home for about two weeks recovering over the Christmas/New Years holidays. I knew it would be a hard recovery, but it was even worse than I thought. Thankfully, I'm on the mend now and things should only improve from here on out.

My mom ended up staying with me to help, which was very nice of her, but it did end up being kind of awkward. She talked to my dad at least once if not twice a day, which made me a little uncomfortable. Then the weekend she left me, she emailed me saying she let him move back in the house.

Upon hearing this news, my sister for some reason decided she couldn't handle talking to my mom right now, so at the moment, they are not in contact. I know this upsets my mom, but I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to my sister, but she won't tell me what's going on. My mom asks me and I can't even explain it, but maybe it's better if I don't know anything that way I'm not dragged into it.

This weekend, my sister, my brother and I all met up to exchange Christmas gifts for the kids since none of us spent the holiday together (my dad went to my brother's, I was incapacitated with my mom, and my sister spent it alone). It was so awkward. For the second year in a row, my sister ended up sitting next to my sister-in-law and let's just say they do not get along. Well, my sister I think makes an effort, it's my sister-in-law who is weird. She's hard to explain. Even I have felt a strain in our relationship over the years. She definitely has changed since my brother started making more money and she has very strong beliefs in things relating to health and parenting, which I know gets in the way of her and my sister's relationship. She also doesn't get along great with my mother and I've heard her vent about her and when you hear someone talk bad about your mom, it's just a hard thing to forget.

So needless to say, the acne is back along with a lovely cold sore. Luckily, my doctor prescribed me something for it and it's actually made some difference; it's still there, but I think it should go away quicker than normal.

I know when my body starts reacting to stress that it's really getting to me. Usually, I feel like I handle it pretty well, and by well, I mean internalizing it and suppressing it, ya know, the healthy way to deal with it. It's just become so difficult. I feel like my entire family is falling apart and without a family of my own to fall into, I feel like I'm falling apart.

Feeling overwhelmed

These stupid rainy weekends always put me in a more depressed mood than usual. Today I've been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. So beware, this is sort of a bitchfest.

After months of struggling with the decision to divorce my father, my mother decided to put the divorce on hold after my father *promised* to go to AA and work on his addiction. This news should make me happy, but in fact it actually upsets me more.

I've seen all of what she has had to endure emotionally, psychologically, and physically that I just don't want her to go through any more. I've also seen his pattern of saying it'll get better and that he wants to work it out and then disappointing her. I have a feeling that his latest attempt at reconciliation is under false pretenses. I think he's either lonely now that the holiday season is approaching, he's missing his grandkids he's not allowed to see and thinks repairing the marriage will rectify that, or he's just plain tired of cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes and dishes and wants her to do it for him again.

Even though I am his daughter and I am connected to the situation, I think growing up I definitely saw things through different eyes than my mother. I wasn't married to him and I didn't have to stay with him and live with him forever. After high school it was only summers in college that I had to endure his behavior and his verbal abuse to my mom. I feel like I developed a more objective view of their relationship because he really was never a dad to me, just someone who happened to be my father.

It's funny that as a person who's never had a real relationship I feel as though I have a good idea of what a healthy one should be. It probably is the reason I am so picky with who I want to be with, which I think I've written about previously.

With all of this going on, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it or someone to get my mind off of it and cheer me up. I know I can call my friends, but they have their own stuff going on and sometimes it's random times during the day that I wish I could talk to a best friend, have them give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. That guy from The Wedding Singer was right, that's all I really want.

I hate that everything I want is so unattainable to me-love, a house, a normal family. I know everyone's family is not "normal" but I wish that I was actually able to envision a wedding for myself, but I can't. My father wouldn't be in the picture. We don't talk to half my family because of family fights. There's a couple "bad sheep," one of which is currently in jail. I think there would be less than 10 people on my side there. We can barely have any normal family functions. This Thanksgiving is a good example. My brother invited my dad (he still talks to him for some reason which I cannot understand), he didn't end up going, but he didn't even invite me (single and all alone!) or my sister and her family. So my brother and sister each spent the holiday alone. So weird. I ended up going with my mom to my grandparents house and my neurotic aunt and my 35 yr old cousin, who my grandparents and aunt still support, were there! Hello, you're 35, grow up!

I can't afford a home because I don't make a lot in my profession and probably never will so owning without the help of someone else (and I cannot handle a roommate at this point in my life) is out of the question. I'm beginning to hate this stupid apartment. My downstairs neighbor plays his bass SO loud, it's ridiculous. I told him to lower it the day he moved in, but I still hear it every day. Last night I was so upset I stomped on the floor out of frustration. I hate that it's come to that. I can't even get a dog here, which I'd love to have for company and some love in my life.

I think my friends think that I should go to therapy for everything that I'm feeling, but I've tried that and I don't feel like it really helped. Besides, a therapist can't repair my family for me, they wouldn't be able to buy me a home, and I don't think it's in their job description to find me a date. I understand that a therapist would help you deal with you problems and maybe accept your life as it is, be thankful for what you do have. But why would I want to accept and be happy with this life? Isn't it everyone's dream to find love and happiness? Why would I want to accept a life of loneliness? I am thankful for what I do have and know that some people have much less than I do, materialistically that is, but there are some people who have so much less but at the same time have so much more than I do, emotionally that is. I think I'd give up everything I have to love someone who'd love me back.

I'm still alive update #3

So the third reason I hadn't been posting a lot lately was because of a family related problem. In the past, I wouldn't really talk about it with my friends because mostly I was embarrassed, but as I've grown older, I've realized that it's not something I have to be embarrassed about because it doesn't reflect on me or my character at all.

As far back as I can remember, I always picture my dad with a beer in his hand. I never really thought much about it growing up. I always thought it was kind of normal. I thought my relationship with my dad was normal. I was nothing close to daddy's little girl, in fact, when I heard that term, it always kind of creeped me out because I could never picture that type of relationship with him. He was just there.

I guess I never really noticed something was different until I was in high school. When I would go to my friends house I would see how they would interact with their dads, which wasn't something I didn't see when I was younger, I just don't think I noticed the difference until I was in my teens. I thought it was so weird. I thought, "wow, you talk to your dad?" "your dad makes dinner?" etc. Also, at that time, my dad started drinking way more alcohol, so maybe the difference in behavior was that much more dramatic.

It never really registered with me why my dad, who's a teacher, would come home at 5 or 5:30 everyday when school would let out at 2. It was only when my mom said one day that he was at "Bob's" after work that I realized he didn't work til 5 and it was only later that I learned that "Bob's" wasn't a teacher friend but a bar that I figured out what he was really doing. I never counted how much he drank back then, I just knew it was enough to piss me off and have him act like a complete asshole to not only me, but especially my mom. Only as an adult did I find out that he was drinking around 15 beers a day.

Remarkably, he never got a DUI or have some other bad thing happen to him as a result of drinking. I actually think his doctor told him his liver was in good shape, which is insane. The bad/good thing about his addiction is that it's not so bad where he's falling down or physically abusive or stealing money to buy alcohol or something; he's a functioning alcoholic, so he can hold down a job. My mom has said we should do an intervention, but really, he has nothing to lose, he has a job, money to support his habit, a house...the only thing he could lose would be us, which I don't think he'd really miss. I'm not saying he doesn't have a serious problem though. When he was having surgery a couple years ago, his dr had to order him a beer in the hospital because he was going through such bad withdrawal.

Anyways, so something must've happened at some point after I graduated college (some sort of threat or ultimatum) because my mom told him he could only have 2 beers a day at home and for the most part, we all believed, he was following those rules. Well, recently my mom found empty beer cans in their basement and over the holidays she found even more cans and empties in his car. This particularly freaked her out because she's scared that he's either drinking at work or drinking and driving and that he'll kill himself or someone else while driving. So basically he's been sneaking around and drinking right under my mom's nose.

So, my mom at this point, is trying to get my dad into therapy (he thinks he's just depressed, yeah right) and trying to make it work. I, on the other hand, want to tell her to divorce him because I think he's verbally abusive, childish, arrogant, and completely worthless to her. How do I say that to her and be supportive of her at the same time? It's tough. I don't know what to do. Personally, I could really take him or leave him. He was so mean to us growing up and aside from financially supporting me, he has been far from anything resembling a parent to me.

So, that's basically it.

Aside from that I'm having a particularly bad day. I have a huge cold sore on my lip. (I hate that I get them because I don't even have any fun times to attribute it to. I've been getting them ever since I was like seven, must've shared a drink with somone.) Then my mom was trying to give me a big chunk of money to help me with a downpayment and I didn't want it. She said that she gave my brother and sister similar amounts at their weddings. I said, yeah at their weddings and she said "who knows if you'll ever get married." Thanks mom, thanks. THEN, driving home, I got a nice big speeding ticket. Awesome. I'm having an awesome day.

Check please?

I just got back from the Cape with my family. What a freaking nightmare. The first night there my sister, her husband, and her two kids were there, both of which screamed the entire first night. The walls were thin. I ended up waking up every morning by like 7:30, which for me, is early if I'm on vacation. It was so stressful. Whining kids and everything revolving around naps and baths. They left Tuesday. Wednesday it was just me and my parents and it was so quiet and relaxing...for a day. But then my brother, his wife, and their two kids came on Wednesday. More whining kids, sleepless nights, and poopy diapers.

I'm so glad I don't have kids right now. I need a vacation.

So, since I hate my coworker, I decided to take a class at work about having difficult conversations. In preparation for the class, they sent me this book. While I was reading it, I realized that it actually might help me when I finally talk to K. I had put it off and tried not to think about it on vacation, but it was hard not to because everything they talked about I could apply to my situation with her. So I emailed her and asked to meet her. She hasn't written back yet.

So, I joined eharmony and I have to say, I'm a little disappointed already. I just started reading this blog and even though there was this guy who sounded like a jerk in one of the comments, he said that everyone who was commenting should lower their standards and have more open minds about people. I know it must seem like I'm stubborn, but some of these matches! Come on! I don't like how you can't search for people like on match, everything is basically up to them. So far everyone is either too short (I have issues with guys shorter than myself), I'm not attracted to them physically, or they're just eh. I know I should give these people a chance, but I know going in, I would be judging them from the getgo. I know myself too well.

I want to try and do more things on my own, get out there and indulge my interests, but I'm really hesitant. There's this Princess Bride (my favorite movie of all time) quote along on that meeting site I belong to that I thought might be fun, but I looked at who was going, and I automatically think: those don't look like people I'd be friends with. How shallow am I? Ugh. I thought about asking A to go with me bc I know she likes that movie. I actually want to talk to her and tell her that I was hurt a couple of times when she bailed on me to hang out with her bf. I don't know if I really want to see her just yet though.

There's also a concert the same night of a band I like. I thought maybe I would go see them and see if there were people there that were like me. Although, I know myself all too well, there's no way I would go up and talk to anyone. I'm just not like that. I don't know what to do.

I did quit my part time job at Hallmark though. That decision came pretty easy. Now I'll have even more time to sit at home and sulk. Yay!

My eyes hurt

So the past two nights I've come home and just broken down crying. Last night after work, my department went to a pub to say goodbye to one of our admin assistants who was leaving to go to law school full time. I think I've said on here before that I don't like to mix my personal and professional lives, but at the same time, I want to be congenial and not perceived as anti-social or anything, so I went.

I just feel weird talking about personal stuff with people I see everyday. I guess it comes from having an experience with a coworker who just gave TMI all the time, right down to her bf's favorite sex position. Thanks, but I don't want to know that much about you. How can I ever ask you a question without thinking about you in said position? Do I just have a sick mind? Or does no one else have that problem?

Although, I think partly the reason I was upset too was because it was evident that there are certain people (around my age) in the office that hang out outside of work. It's not that I'm jealous of being friends with them, because honestly, I don't feel like we have a lot in common anyway and I find them slightly flaky? That's not the right word, but I just feel like they're just not from the same breed I am, if that makes sense. Like, I feel like with my old friends, I could say anything, even if it was inappropriate and feel comfortable because they know me and can tell if I'm joking or serious or whatever. With these people, I feel like they're so superficially nice and PC and I swear I've never seen any of them gripe about anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just more pessimistic, but come on, sometimes you have to rant? Right? Well, maybe it's not appropriate to do with your "work friends." But who wants friends you can't say what you think in front of them? Ugh, I have to stop griping. I guess I was just jealous of people having friends in general.

Anyways, the only thing that I've been willing to talk with coworkers about is my family, which is mostly complaints about how they're so annoying. Other than that, what am I going to say? I have no friends, no boyfriend, no interests or hobbies, that my life is completely boring and pathetic? No thanks. But inevitably, someone always pries a little. Mostly, it's "do you have a boyfriend?", which I, of course, hate.

I don't even feel like it's that I'm embarrassed to say I don't have a boyfriend, it's more frustration that I've never been able to say "Yes, actually, I do!" I'm so sick of this monotony.

So, I had lunch with T today. I was a little nervous beforehand, but after like two minutes I was fine. Before when I was crushing on him, I was so aware of how I looked and acted and where I put my hands and looking into his eyes. This time, I was less concerned with how I was acting because I know he doesn't want me, so I was more focused on him for a change. It was wierd though, I felt like he was acting wierd. He kept moving his drinks and the bread plate around and shifting in his seat. He made a few flirty comments, but nothing overly flirty. So all these things to an outside person would maybe make you believe that maybe he's interested, but I know he isn't. Then, it felt more like he was uncomfortable just being there because he kept trying to fill space and saying "uh, what else..." Like he was struggling to make conversation with me. So on top of him not liking me romantically, now I'm bummed because I don't even think he likes me as a friend, which is something my therapist suggested-getting to know him as a friend and maybe it would lead me to other friends/guys.

So this morning I was still recovering from my misery the night before only to have my mood shot down more at lunchtime. Then, the afternoon was a whirlwind of shit to do at work until I could finally come home and crash. I'm going on vacation next week with my family down to the Cape, but I don't even feel like it's going to be relaxing. At least when I get home from work I can sulk or cry in the privacy of my one bedroom apt, but I have to put on a brave face for a whole week? And I have to deal with little kids crying and whining and getting up at 6am? And I'm supposed to have my period? I have a feeling I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation.

I feel like I've just had it. Like I can't take it anymore. I don't want to live this life. Nobody would want to. Nobody should have to. I actually got accepted to eharmony after just trying the survey again on a whim. I emailed them and the said they would give me a promotion code, since it's so goddamn expensive. I don't know if I even have the energy to date though. I mean, who would want to date me? I'm miserable. I have no friends. I'm bitter. I'm inexperienced. Classic case of what men DON'T want.

I wish I had the guts to end it all.

An order of schizophrenia to go please.

So after some back and forth of snippy comments regarding my letter, I finally agreed to meet A for dinner tomorrow. I do not want to go. at. all. I know it can really only go one way-not well. Sigh.

I helped my sister move this weekend. That was a nightmare. Things were so tense between my sister and brother-in-law and it just made for an awkward situation. Not to mention I hurt myself moving a heavy piece of furniture and on Sunday I agreed to watch my nephew so my sister could unpack and he is SO clingy to my sister, she couldn't get anything done. So frustrating.

I need a break-physical and mental. I can't go on vacation because I don't really have the money, and honestly..who would I go with? myself? so pathetic. I wish I could take a mental break...but don't they call that schizophrenia?

I want to get off this ride

So I sent an email to A telling her I would meet her this weekend but it turns out I have to help my sister move, so maybe we should postpone, but that I would send her an email explaining what's been going on with me lately.

I wrote that I've been dealing with a lot of family stuff lately. First, my dad's drinking has become pretty bad (he's an alcoholic) and that my mom has been pretty miserable lately. In addition to that, there's been tension between my brother and sister in the past six months. My sister, husband and son have relocated here from NY. They bought a house, which needed renovation, and have been living in temporary housing. She's pregnant and due any day now. I've been trying to help her with my nephew and redoing the house, I mean, now that she's so close to me, she really doesn't have anyone else to help her since my parents still live three hours away.

Well, over Thanksgiving my brother, his wife, and their two kids and my sister and her family all came to my parent's house. My brother and wife were so inconsiderate towards my sister it was unbelievable. Needless to say it wasn't a great holiday. Not to mention that a few days afterwards my sister-in-law accidentally cc'd me on an email where she bashed my mom and my sister and bitched about how my sister was inconsiderate towards them.

Christmas was even worse. My mom was dealing with my father, and then got into a fight with my brother over the phone. I've never seen her so upset. She threw the phone at the radiator and busted the phone and made a good dent in the radiator cover and then proceeded to cry so hard she puked.

So I wrote all that in the email and then attached the word document that I wrote a couple months ago explaining how I was feeling. I pretty much got the response that I was expecting: hurt resentment balled up in defensive heartlessness. "what is going to happen to make you be able to spend time with everyone?" How the FUCK am I supposed to know. Yeah, I said it, but I'm telling it like it is. This is exactly why I've been avoiding this. I don't need to be questioned and made to feel awful by people I thought were once my friends. Maybe it just shows who my friends are. I don't know. I don't know anything at all anymore. I'm just tired. No, not sleepy, tired. Tired of everything.

On a lighter note, I started my p/t job at Hallmark tonight. Not bad, I just might be able to tolerate it. I need to go to bed now, maybe I'll get lucky and never wake up. At least my dreams are usually happier than my real life usually is.