As if it couldn't get any worse

So, last Friday night before the beer festival, I met up with T and our mutual friend at a local pub to celebrate the mutual friend's last day at his job. I didn't talk to T that much as he was socializing with people he knew and I was sticking with other people that I knew. I did go over to tell him I was leaving and told him about the beer festival the next day. I was surprised when he said he might be interested and I should let him know the details since he never responded to my online invitation. So the next day I texted him but he said he was too hungover from the night before to go. Even though I was slightly disappointed, I actually felt relieved that he wouldn't be there as possible potential for making a drunken fool out of myself.

All in all it was an okay time. I did drink way too much beer and do not remember some parts of the night, but I didn't get myself into any bad situations, which was the main objective. I did end up seeing K there even though she replied no to my online invitation. She was there with other girls she lived with in college and let me tell you, it was a little awkward. She 1. told me she wouldn't be there, 2. didn't call or text me to say she did end up going and 3. when she did see me she barely talked to me then went off with the other girls and I didn't see her again. Very sketch.

One thing I did do, though, was aggravate my medical problem that I was dealing with back in December. Not fun. I ending up having to have minor surgery and had to be out of work for a week. This was only a short-term resolution too. I might have to have major surgery if I want to make sure this doesn't happen again. I kind of knew that alcohol was a contributing factor to my problem, but it's like having a baby I guess, where once the pain is over, you forget about it because you just love that baby, or beer, so much.

It's kind of ironic that coming from an alcoholic father I would be so upset about not being able to drink when and how much I want, but I think the key distinction is that I'm not addicted. I just enjoy a beer or six every once in a while. Although, the more I look back at my drunken shenanigans, the more I realize that I feel kind of immature and stupid when I get too out of control. I am 28 after all and maybe it's time I start drinking like an adult instead of a 21 year old.

I'm really torn about what to do about this surgery though. Aside from the 2-4 week recovery time, there are some pretty serious risks, one of which is absolutely disgusting I don't think I could handle it if it happened to me, not to mention that it might make the problem worse or the problem could come back.

So, I've been super cautious about it by not going to the parade this weekend and not going out tonight for St. Patty's Day. To be around that much celebration and not drink a lot of beer would be pretty difficult to me. It's not that I can't not drink around other people who are drinking. I did that last Thursday and Friday night, mostly because I was getting over a cold and prepping myself for the festival, but I still didn't really mind. I think it's just a lot harder for me when everyone around me is completely wasted and I'm completely sober that it's difficult.

Sometimes I think that these types of activities are juvenile and I shouldn't go to them anymore. I'm reminded of my friends giving me the line of "I'm just past that point of my life" crap. At the same time though, the festival and the parade are usually swarming with young people, namely men. Unfortunately, like I said, it is a drunken mess, but you never know. This guy I went to college with who was a total player who never had a girlfriend actually met his fiance at last year's festival.

I've read a lot of blogs where people who aren't drinkers themselves also don't feel comfortable in those types of social settings where people drink: clubs, bars, parties, etc. even when it's minimal. I've read about how they don't know where to meet people since they don't go to these types of places. Then suddenly they're 40 and still virgins and/or relationshipless. I, on the other hand, don't mind going to these places but wonder when the point is when it becomes tacky to try and meet people at these types of events. I mean, I don't want to be 40 still hanging out at the beer festival surrounded by 2o something year old kids. It's just I've tried online dating and that hasn't worked either.

I'm frustrated. Even though I've tried to get out more and socialize more, starting with more girl friends, it still hasn't led to meeting any new men. I'm beginning to think more and more that all the good ones ARE taken. The more I look at the ring fingers of men I find attractive in stores, on the street, in restaurants, in bars, the more I see them covered in bands. If someone was so good that they meet all of my high standards is still on the market, why the hell is he? Wouldn't he have been grabbed up by some other more attractive girl by now?

I'm increasingly seeing myself in 5 years the same way I am now, mabye living in a condo or house instead of my apt, and maybe with a dog, but really, exactly the same. I've even noticed that I no longer dream of situations involving men. I used to. He would be the one of the three guys I've been attracted to in my life or he would be this faceless guy, but at least he was there. I used to wake up and get mad at the fact that it was a dream and not my reality. I used to try and fall back asleep quick so I could get back into it. Now, it's just mundane or bizarre dreams, all non-sexual, all unexciting...just like my waking life.

Unsettled

So tomorrow I'm going to the same beer festival I went to two years ago, the one where I made some serious mistakes. Yeah, that one. I'm a little nervous about it because it's almost a given that it'll be a shitshow. I haven't been drunk like that in a long time and I'm kind of nervous if I'll be able to have more control over my actions than last time.

You're probably thinking that if it were you, you'd never go back, but I don't think I can live like that. I mean, I love the festival for one, but also, I don't want to avoid people or places just because they remind me of something bad. I should take that experience and learn from it. Should being the operative word there.

I'm also a little sad that it's been almost two years since it happened, therefore, it's been two years since I've had sex (the first and last time) and two years since I've kissed anyone. It seems like forever. I think it's because it's around the two year mark too that I'm getting really sensitive to things around me relating to dating, love, and sex too.

Last night I went out with some coworkers and they were talking about their love lives and of course, I had nothing to contribute. (I worry that they see me as this weird asexual person who works in their office.) Also, just when anyone else talks about relationships, I get really uncomfortable. I was out with friends of a friend of a friend, haha, and they were talking about this other girl who didn't have sex with her boyfriend for like a year while they were dating and the group was all like "what? how do you not have sex with your boyfriend for 10 days let alone a whole year" and I do the whole nod and "oh yeah, that's insane!" Please, like I have any idea.

Then anytime anyone brings up the 3 date rule, it's like omg, is it really true? I am not going to be comfortable by date 3 to do that and when I don't, he's going to think I'm a freak, right? Ugh, it's these little anxieties that really get to me..the social awkwardness talking about it, the awkwardness in a relationship when you get to that point...if I ever get to that point. Probably not. I just wish I could be a normal twenty-something woman with a normal healthy sex life with relationship history. Even the stupid sex tips section of magazines that I read even though I have nothing to relate to.

I just want it all to end. I'm ready. I really am.....still waiting. Sigh. I give up.