The worse part

So on Monday I emailed T to see if he still wanted to grab drinks this week and he emailed me back on Thursday saying that he might not be able to, long story, but he'd let me know today. Well, sure enough, I haven't hear from him. I went and made other plans.

The kicker to the whole thing with T is that I don't even think I like him that much. I mean, he's okay and I think the reason why I get so into it is because he flirts pretty well. I mean, he does this teasing thing with me that nobody else ever does or ever has done, which is why I think I have these feelings. But they're not even real feelings because he isn't anything that I really want in a guy. It's more just excitement than attraction.

For one, I feel like he is not very considerate. I think that he had his own agenda when we went out two years ago, meaning, he just wanted to sleep with me. He doesn't like the same music I like. Correction, he isn't into music at all. He's one of those people who says he's not really into music, he just isn't moved by it at all....? Total opposite of me. Maybe I could like someone who had different tastes, but to say that music isn't really something that you are passionate about is odd and something I can't relate to. Aside from our profession, we don't really have that much in common. The only thing that I think we do have in common: we're just NOT that into each other. My problem is that I'm so lonely and affection-deprived that I just want something to tide me over.

I think the problem is that there's nobody else. Nobody. I have zero distractions. There's nobody else to think about, get excited about, hope to see on weekends. He's it. That's so sad. I really wish I had options, crushes, anything.

I went out with B on Saturday with some of her coworkers. One coworker brought her friend. She was this dark haired dark eyed and fake tanned girl. I mean I guess she was pretty, but it must've been something else because EVERY guy was hitting on her. Her friend was like, "It's always like this. I don't get it." She attributed it to her bubbly personality.

I mean, I don't think I'm a mute when it comes to guys, but maybe they see me as unapproachable? I can only think of two things that guys would be turned off by: personality or looks. Well, if they don't talk to me, it has to be something else...my looks. Maybe that's why T isn't into me, maybe I'm out of his league. His last girlfriend was like "model" pretty. I should've known.

My friends always tell me that leagues don't exist, but they are in like the top 3 leagues and have never had problems attracting guys. They've never been called ugly to their face. I don't even look at guys if they're too pretty because I know. I know, they know, everybody knows, but nobody wants to tell they're friend..."oh yeah, you're not pretty enough for him." I don't care what people say, we live in a superficial world (and i'm superficial girl...j/k couldn't resist). It just sucks when the major thing you rely on to attract love is one thing that you can't control...unless you go under the knife. More and more I've been feeling like my nose is super big for my face. Of course I would never get a nose job...but only because I couldn't afford it. I would totally do it if I had the money.

Ugh. I wish things would happen for me. Anything to make my life interesting. I feel like I've been going out a lot through friends, coworkers, meetups, friends I've met through meetups...but it's not filling the void. Being busy helps a little, but not when I'm lying in bed wishing I had someone lying next to me or when I've had a bad day or a great day even. I'm always asking the people I go out with how they meet their dates, boyfriends, etc. and they're the usual stories-work, through a friend, a neighbor, an old schoolmate. I've explored those resources and even beyond. It just sucks when you don't get out what you put in.

I feel like I'm just rambling at this point. I'll stop now.

Ok, last one I swear.

So tonight I have plans to go to a meetup, yes alone, because everyone I asked either didn't respond or said they didn't want to go. After the meetup, I might stop in to see this guy I went to school with play in a band...I think I mentioned this all in my last post, anyways, so I was in a meeting for a couple hours this afternoon and when I got back to my desk there was an email from K. Mind you, she was one of the people who I invited to go with me tonight, so she already knew that I had these plans. She asked if I wanted to go to dinner and see a movie (He's just not that into you, which coincidentally is the story of my life, but I digress). She also casually throws in the fact that she has to drop her car off at the dealership, which is located in my town.

So, let me spell it out for you. She emails me with a plan, which seemingly looks like she wants to do something yay! but really she has ulterior motives and wants me to pick her up from the dealership so she doesn't have to take a cab. THEN she even calls me to ask me which train station is closest to the dealership, which none of them really are, but she still doesn't flat out ask me to pick her up because she knows that I have plans and am getting ready, so I don't offer. I mean, come on! It felt so good to turn down her dinner/movie plans. For once I, me, yes I have plans and you don't! Pllllththth (that's me sticking my tongue out in) AND I'm not dropping them to pick you up and have a quiet night because you have a headache. Bullshit...I'm going out tonight!

The end.

Why do I even bother?

So in addition to the incident on Friday night, a while ago I had emailed my friends to see if they would be interested in going on a road trip to Chicago. I was only there once for a very brief time and have been wanting to go back, I think a road trip would be lots of fun and I've never been on one of those either, and I thought on the way, we could stop and see C, who now lives in Ohio.

So I asked the group (6 girls) and two right off the bat said they couldn't, which is fine, I don't expect everyone to be able to go but tell me so I can start planning the trip. Well, one friend, D, who said Yeah! sounds fun! is now saying she can't. She is getting married this fall, so I understand if she will be tight on money and busy planning the wedding and whatnot, but why didn't you tell me before, you've been engaged for a while, you should know that already. Then A says she doesn't know now because she just got offered a job and she doesn't know if they'll let her take time off. She's known she will be getting a job soon.

Oh, I should say that this is a common trend in my group of friends, where if one person says no, they pretty much all say no like a domino effect....I don't know what's up with that, but it's pretty fucking annoying.

I was all prepared for M to say she can't go either, which she hasn't yet, but at this rate, it wouldn't shock me.

Then, today I asked a bunch of the girls if they would want to go to this event for a meetup on Friday and then to see this band that this kid I went to school with, who's a mutual friend of me and T, is playing in. AND I asked them if anyone wanted to go to an anti-valentine's day pub crawl on Saturday as well. Guess what the response was. I don't know why I even bother asking them to do things with me anymore. They almost ALWAYS say no. If they say yes, I actually have to ask again and recheck because I'm so shocked and nervous that they'll cancel on me. Usually the excuse is that they're either broke, busy, or just prefer to stay home. I don't get it. Do people really enjoy sitting home watching TV every single night and weekend? Am I the only one who likes to get out among civilization and do things?

I feel like I'm slipping back into my resentful ways. I sense it at the surface everytime they reply no to one of my invites. What's the point in calling someone a friend if you never see them? I haven't seen D since right after Christmas and I asked her to meet one night for dinner to catch up and to see her new house that she bought. She replied asking if I wouldn't mind waiting til March. Sure, I don't, but it goes to what jo was saying in her post today. If people only meet every 3 months that doesn't mean they're not friends, but perhaps they're not close friends and that's what I was considering these people.

I guess it's what my old therapist was saying, which was that I need to stop getting mad at them for being what they are and accept them for what they can be, accept that they have limitations. I guess it's just hard to realize that the people you thought were your close friends are just friends and that you don't even have any close friends. You don't have anyone close at all.

So, I had a class with this kid who's playing in the band on Friday and I'm friends with him on the SU site, which is where he invited me, well, not just me, almost all of his friends. I figure regardless of how close I am to him, at least it's a way to get out of the house and try and meet people. It's so hard to do though. Meeting people, turning those people into friends and then feeling comfortable enough to consider that friend a close friend is so hard to do at this stage of life. Is it this hard for everyone or is it just me? I feel like everyone is already so settled in their friend groups and that people are usually reluctant to let new people into their lives. I hate that it's this hard.

So anyways, this guy is pretty good friends with T. So, don't ask me why, I emailed T to see if he was planning on going Friday even though I haven't talked to him in MONTHS. He replied that he wasn't sure but that maybe we could meet up for a drink next week. I didn't reply yet. I don't know what I'm doing. I think meeting him wouldn't do me any good, but the thought of seeing someone who once was considered a potential is almost too tempting to pass up. Maybe it's just the Valentine's Day blues I'm experiencing, but then again, maybe it's just life.

Why I hate everyone

So you think hate is a strong word? Well you’re right, it is. I’m not kidding. I truly hate everyone. It’s not over one thing or another. Nothing new has happened really, well, that’s not true, but I’ll get into that later. It’s really more of a realization that I am utterly and truly alone in this world with nothing to console or comfort me besides myself, who doesn’t do a very good job by the way. Other people may have a significant other to go to when they feel alone, sad, frustrated, or angry. Some people might have family that they talk to or spend time with, a close sister or mother perhaps. Other people really connect with their coworkers or they find comfort in working because it is their passion and a place they find relief or satisfaction. Some people have other people looking out for them and have people that do things or go out of their way to help them. I do not have any of these things. I have nothing and no one. I do not have a companion, my family is too wrapped up in their own lives to take the time to invest in mine, my work is just that-work, not a career, and my friends more and more seem like just acquaintances. I am completely alone in this world.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a concert with a friend of a friend. She invited the guy she’s seeing to come too, which I was fine with me because I’ve been out with them before and it wasn’t uncomfortable. He wanted to go to this art gallery beforehand for an opening, so we agreed to go to that first, then the show. Well, at around 3 she emailed me through a social utility (SU) site saying she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t going to go out tonight. I find that so frustrating. I am pretty anal when it comes to times and plans. I hate being late or making people wait for me and I hate when people cancel plans or having to cancel on someone, which I almost never do, even if I don't feel like it anymore or feel bad, I hate letting people down. I woke up early this morning to do my hair and makeup knowing I would be going out straight from work. I could’ve slept a little more if it wasn’t for this person’s cancellation. I could’ve dressed more casually instead of wearing a going-out outfit. I would’ve brought my big work bag with my book to read instead of my small going out purse, but no, I did these things because I trusted this person would follow through. I can already sense that you think I’m psycho. It gets worse, trust me, my psychoness, not the story. I also asked K if she was interested in going last week. She said maybe. I asked her again while we were playing a game on the SU site but she didn’t answer for like an hour while we were playing. Then just by chance, I checked the game today and she wrote “just saw this (yeah right), not in the mood to go out tonight.” Why do I suspect she sent it to me there and not in an email knowing that I wouldn’t be playing the game at work and wouldn’t look til I got home, which I wouldn’t have done until AFTER the show.

I know, you’re thinking I’m really paranoid and that I’m crazy to complain. Seriously though, I swear my life is just a part in everybody else’s play and my play is going bankrupt because the actors never show up, the plot is meaningless and uninteresting and nothing ever goes as planned. That’s honestly how I feel. When people ask me to participate in their lives, I mostly, no, I always agree, eager to spend time with people I care about. When I ask them to participate in mine, it’s either like pulling teeth or always a lame excuse leaving me thinking that they really could give two shits.

I am consuming an entire bottle of wine as soon as humanly possible.

New low

So I'm really bored. Not the "oh i have nothing to do" kind of bored. I'm bored with life right now. I miss excitement of going out and having stories and fun pictures, of meeting people, of feeling like there was potential out there. There's just not one person anywhere that is fulfilling that feeling and it really blows.

So, I haven't talked to T in forever. After our awkward lunch we emailed like twice but he was kind of weird, if not rude, so I stopped emailing him (since it was all on my end anyway) and haven't heard from him since.

But for some reason I did something very loserlike. Before I went out with him um, yeah, TWO years ago, I of course did my usual stalker routine online and found out the name of his ex-girlfiend. Psycho I know.

Well, tonight I decided to find her on the social networking site I just recently joined and didn't I find pics of T from when they were together, which is kind of weird don't you think to keep pics up of an ex especially considering she's dating someone new? But anyway, yeah, I found the pics and IIIII downloaded them to my computer. LOSER!!!

I'm so bored. Something HAS to change!

One of those days?

Did you ever have one of those days where all of your insecurities come barreling at you at the speed of light to the point of paralysis? Yeah. I'm having one of them. I know what the trigger was, although it's completely unrelated to anything that I'm feeling right now.

I was taking a class in something related to what my dept does, but something I have no part of directly. I was taking more for fun/information. Well, the class is way above my head technically speaking, and after trying to explain my final project idea to my professor, she talked to me so condescendingly that I felt like a complete imbecile. Yeah, I cried as I left the building. And yeah, I withdrew the second I got home. I feel like there's no need as an adult in my situation to let anyone or anything make me feel that way. EVER.

It just brought up feelings of inadequacy in terms of my intelligence, which then led to insecurity about my looks, social life, love life, you name it, the snowball effect. Once you get going, you can't really stop.

I saw my therapist today at lunch and she was telling me about all of the progress I have been making by reconnecting with my friends and letting them into my life again. She said that it was good that I was trying to think more logically and not let my resentment and anger cripple me the way I let it in the past. Joining the social site and volunteering are good ways to put myself out there. Though, I feel like an investor in today's economy, all my effort has gone to shit. I'm putting so much in and not getting anything in return. I feel like you can only take so much before you hit rock bottom and someone has to literally bail you out.

I feel like I'm in the exact same spot as I was when I was 25, 20, even 15. I've grown physically, well, that's not even true. I grew to my current size when I was 12 and have the stretch marks to prove it.

I guess I have gained some knowledge, although, I quickly forget almost everything that has ever been taught to me...kind of defeats the whole education process, no? I feel like I continually hide the fact that I don't know what people around me are talking about and quickly changing the subject to my area of knowledge: pop culture.

Psychologically, I feel like a child, always the baby of the family who can't do anything by herself, always relying on the parents for help, because real adults have gone through relationships and have relied on boyfriends or friends for that stuff, right?

Emotionally, same deal. I've had no experience that would have enabled me to grow into the real "me." You know when people talk about how it's the people they've met and loved that have made them who they are? Yeah, I don't get that concept because all I've known is the same I've known since forever. I don't know how I act when faced with confrontation. I don't know if I'm a jealous person. I don't know if I like PDA or not. I don't know about forgiving and making up. I haven't had the experiences to make me "me." Maybe I'm not even the real "me" yet. What if I never become "me?"

Someone needs to go to bed...

Bottom of the barrel

So tomorrow was supposed to be the last day of my eHarmony subscription. I logged in today to cancel it and realized that they automatically signed me up for another month (which isn't cheap) and charged my credit card. Damn bastards. I remember match did that to me once too. Sneaky as hell. I wrote them two emails demanding that they cancel the charge. On a side note, I am beginning to be leery of all online transactions. My student loan company also sketches me out by not sending me reminder notices (even though I'm signed up to receive them) then doesn't tell me when my account is past due. I feel like everyone is out to get my money! Grrr.

Anyway, so aside from that little annoyance, I am really bummed out that I had even less success through that site than other sites. Not one solid communication, not one. After the first month of so-so matches, I realized I was hitting the bottom of the barrel when I started getting matched with guys that were 3 inches shorter than me or who had kids, both which I rated as being important factors to me. Then I just got the freebie ones I think, who didn't have pics and had one-liner answers on their profile. Yeah, like I'm going to want to talk to you. Then there were the ones who answered the question, "What are you passionate about?" with "sex" or the ones who answered the question, "What are you thankful for?" with 1. sex 2. condoms 3. orgasms. Wow, so deep, can I date you? Please? PLEASE?!

I'm feel like I'm falling back into my depressed, or should I say disappointed feelings from before. Even though I feel like I'm able to tolerate being around my friends again, I still haven't been in a situation where I've had to hang out with them and their significant others, so I'm not sure how that will play out. I'm just so disappointed in my social life. Even though I meet the friends for a drink or lunch or dinner, etc. we never socialize with anyone else, try to meet new people. For example, I went out with some coworkers Tuesday night and K met me. I said something about checking out the room or talking to people, but she wasn't really receptive. That really stinks considering she's the only single friend I have who lives near me. I feel like she never wants to do that with me. I'm wondering now if she's secretly seeing someone or if she goes out with her "other" friends to do that. Who knows.

Then, other people just have so much crap going on. D is studying for her CPA, A is trying to finish her PhD, M and C live in other states, and B is married living in the suburbs and I never get the impression she's ever interested in going out. She's more the type to want to sit in a booth and chat and then is tired after 2 beers and wants to go home. I don't know how it feels to be in a relationship and have single friends because I've obviously never been in that situation, but I would hope that I would be supportive of them in trying to meet people or would go out with them and be there for them, just like you were there when they were single. It just seems like nobody cares anymore once they're all set.

I feel like I'm at a loss. The social meeting site has been slack with meetings that interest me and the volunteer group I joined hasn't really had anything yet that interests me either. I feel like I was putting out a good effort there for a while, but it just gets so hard when you put yourself out there and nobody is receptive. You don't click with people and you just end up back where you started, so what's the point?

I joined a social networking site, but it's so depressing. First, I have so fewer friends than any of my other friends, then I can see other people's pics and what they're up to and it just makes me realize how much I am not doing. My most recent pics of going out are from 2 years ago...and they were from weddings, my most recent pics of actually going out are from like 3-5 years ago. Then, ugh, the most annoying thing I find is that people's profile pics are of them and their partner. It's your profile, not the couple's profile. I don't know why, but that so bugs me. Maybe I'd feel differently if it were me, but to me it's just an extra reminder of "hey, look at me, I'm in a relationship and you're not!" I'm such a bitch. The only thing that I've been posting on my site recently is going out for drinks after work, which, trying to look at it objectively kinda makes me appear like a loser drunk with nothing better to do after work and certainly nothing or nobody to go home to.

Speaking of going out with coworkers, I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately, which I'm not crazy about. I am not a fan of mixing work and personal stuff. I practically made a fool out of myself Tuesday, well, in my eyes I did, even though my coworker said I was fine. I just don't want to embarass myself and lose respect of anyone I work with.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. I am just feeling really hopeless lately. It's coming up on two years since my incident with the stranger and that was the last time I even kissed someone. I feel like I wouldn't even know what to do now. Maybe I won't have to worry about it anyway. It might be time to get a cat...or a hundred.

Figures

So, again, the reason for the lack of posts is the lack of anything major to talk about. The meetings through the social networking site are pretty sparse lately. Not sure why, maybe because summer is over and the weather just doesn't lend itself to getting together?

With my attempts to go out with my friends more, I did end up going out on Saturday night with D. We met up with her brother on a pubcrawl in my hometown. I don't really like her bro that much, but figured she doesn't see him that often and it would be nice to say hi. Well, he'd been on the pubcrawl all day, so when we met up with him, he was more than shitfaced. Did I mention he's kinda racist and a prick? Haha. Soooo, in an effort to get the F out of there and as far away from him as possible, I suggested we meet up with K at a bar in town even though I was kind of annoyed with her.

Sidenote: K was weird as shit earlier in the day. I thought she invited me to go watch the Head of the Charles regatta. I must've misinterpreted her because what she must've said was that she was going..with her other friends. In the end she told me she was a tack on invite with a group and didn't feel it was her place to invite me. Whatever weirdo.

So anyway, we meet up with K at the bar and the baseball game is almost over. K didn't seem to be too thrilled we were there, which was also weird and annoying. As soon as the game ended, she said she was leaving. Whatever, see ya! D and I ended up talking to the group they were hanging out with and it ended up being kinda fun. Then, out of nowhere, a bunch of people who went to college with us showed up. These people, I might add, were all friends with D, longtime love of my life. I was talking to his friend, who didn't remember me [I feel like I am one of those unforgettable people that nobody ever remembers. I just joined this other social networking site and I have like no friends compared to my friends and no one asks me to be their friend sigh], and he was like "you know D is into guys, right?" SAY WHAT?? Then he goes, "no, no, i'm just kidding." So, wait, is he or isn't he???? What guy jokes that his friend is gay? I mean, this kid WAS wasted, but that isn't something you joke about. So, then I said, "But he dated [poser freak girl] in college for like a year." "Oh, her? she's a lesbian." SAY WHAT?

I don't know what to think. All I know is that I possibly could have spent 3 years of my life pining after a guy who had absolutely no interest in me...and he never even hinted at that. If he had and I knew I had no shot, maybe I would've moved on, maybe I would've met other guys, maybe I would've actually had a relationship, maybe even an emotional and *shock* a sexual one, and maybe I wouldn't be where I am right now...miserable, alone, inexperienced, and despondent.

Highs and lows, the ebb and flow

So like last week was busy, this week was incredibly slow. All my plans either fell through or I backed out of. I didn't got to the info session Tuesday, A backed out of dinner on Wednesday (she said she had to work late, and why can't I help but think she ditched me for something else, something better?), and then I totally backed out of the happy hour thing on Thursday. I was so tired, this week has been crazy at work.

By the end of the week, though, I was itching to get out, to do something, anything. I even got all Secret-y and envisioned getting back from a meeting and hearing a text or voicemail or checking my email and seeing someone ask me to do something. A little bit ambitious, I know, since I'm only at the start of the mend of my old friendships and it's not like I know anyone else. Big surprise, "You have no new messages."

Today was absolutely beautiful out and again I hoped someone somewhere would ask me to do something. Nothing. I ended up cleaning my entire apartment, which, don't get me wrong, is something I get great satisfaction from, but it's not exactly the same, ya know. I guess there's always the option of me asking them, but I think I don't feel confident enough to do that yet. After last week of asking to see everyone of my friends (except B) I feel like I'm moving too fast. Man, that sounds stupid, but it's just how I feel about the situation right now. B is a totally different story...but more on that later.

Anyways, I need to do more. I thought about just taking a book and myself to the Common to read, just to get out of the house. Somehow, it just seems like it takes so much effort.

I had lunch with two coworkers yesterday, one of whom was the one who openly talked about joining eharmony. She asked me if I'd done match, in front of the other coworker, which I thought was a little rude. What if I didn't feel comfortable talking about that? Whatever. Anyway, we were talking and she kept saying that I was so much like her, only younger. She's 40 and still single. Man, that scared me. What if I am just like her? What if that is me in 10 years? She's successful in her career and was engaged a long time ago and said she doesn't regret not getting married. Is she happy now though? That I don't know. I'm not so sure she is.

I just want my life to change. I know I keep beating a dead horse here, but I just want my life to be fun and exciting with friends to go out with and a man to come home to. I feel like lately I keep hearing that you have the love life you want or that if you want to be in love, you will be. Yeah, very Secret-ish. I feel like I've wanted it for so long though. Could I be lying to myself? Do I actually enjoy being by myself, moping, crying, longing for a man? I don't know anyone who would want those things. Sucky thing is lately I can't stop thinking about T. I'm sure it's just because I had lunch with him two weeks ago and then I saw him Wednesday at another seminar thingy at work. It was working better before when I didn't see him for like six months. Out of sight, out of mind type of thing.

I actually wouldn't mind a new distraction, even if he was well out of my reach. At least I could get my mind off T, who is a lost cause. I definitely need more distractions, men or otherwise, to get my mind off the loneliness, the boredom. I'm not sure which is more painful.

Feeling weak

So I went to the Princess Bride quote along last night and I have to admit it was kinda fun, mostly because I love the movie and loved shouting out the lines and waving my inflatable sword at the screen. But, there were lots of dorks there, lots of dorks. I have nothing against dorks, on some levels I consider myself a dork, I even find slightly dorky guys incredibly hot, but these guys were hard core. I just don't think they're the type of people I think I could connect with on a deeper level.

So K emailed me back and we're going to meet tomorrow night. I'm so anxious about it, because I know it probably won't go well, but I figure I should just do it and then I really won't have to always wonder if I could've done something. D aka Miss Oblivious sent me a text message after B's bbq and said she missed my company, which I thought was a weird sentiment, but I haven't seen her since October, so I asked her to meet me next friday. I don't know what it is, if I'm just missing people who know me and know my past instead of having to always deal with people I can't open up to.

I don't know if it'll make anything better or worse. I know I still have some things to say to A that I never told her in January that I still think about, so obviously, they're still bugging me. I remember last May she invited me to go to this bar with her and D. I said yeah, and was really excited about it. I even joked "maybe you can help me find a boyfriend" although, there was definitely a ton of truth in that comment. Anyways, later in the day, she emailed me and said plans fell through and they weren't going anymore. Then she said, "But I'm going to a party with my bf in [name of obscure town out in the boonies], wanna come?" I felt so hurt and blown off. If D bailed, why couldn't the two of us just go? It made it seem like she was choosing her bf over me. And it hurt since I specifically made that comment too. I don't know. I still think about that. Plus. The morning after losing my V, which was a pretty horrible experience, she came to drop off my cell phone to me and proceeded to say sorry she was late, she was just having sex with her bf for two hours. Thanks. 1. TMI 2. Maybe you didn't know that it was horrible, but I mean come on, it was a pretty big event for me, she didn't even ask me about it. I just felt again, her bf seemed more important to her than me. Am I overreacting here?

Anyways, I still have tons of resentment and I feel like most of it is directed towards her. I don't know if it's a competitive thing because we were both in the same spot for so long and she "won" and i "lost." And it's not even one of those three month relationships either. They've been together now for 2 years and I'm pretty sure they'll get married. I don't know, for some reason, I feel like the sex thing has really come
between us. There's this My S0-Called Life quote that hits home for me:

Angela: [voiceover] There's this dividing line, between girls who've had sex, and girls who haven't, and all of a sudden, we realized that we were looking at each other across it.

It's just weird, I think about how many times they've probably done it, probably more times than they can count. And now, to them, it's nothing. And to me, it's still this big thing that makes me feel like a freak. This article really freaked me out. It just reaffirms my biggest anxieties about men and sex. Ugh.

I'm getting off track here. Anyways, I did sign up to go to two more events with two different groups. One is this Thursday at a bar and the other one is next a happy hour event next Thursday at a different bar. I figure if it involves drinking beer, it can't be all that horrible. We'll see. I feel like I do need to get out more. I miss it. I miss drinking. I know that sounds very alcoholic of me, but I'm really not. I more miss just the social aspect of it all and how I can socialize better when I've had a beer or two. I miss flirting with guys, even if they don't ask for me number or it goes nowhere. I miss having things to tell people when they ask me what I did over the weekend.

I know they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I feel like loneliness is making me weaker.

It's official

I'm miserable. I caught a cold from my nephew last weekend so physically I've been feeling awful. I feel a little better today, but still not 100%.

Emotionally, I can't say that I've been feeling much better. My mind has been all over the place this past week. Mostly, I've felt just numb, almost to the point where I forget that this life is not the one that I want, the one that I would choose for myself. I feel neither sad nor distressed. I just am. Other times, I have very serene moments where I realize that this is my life and I can envision my life this way forever and feel very mature for coming to this realization, like maybe I'm a bigger person for accepting what life has dished out for me. After all, I'm healthy, I have a family, I have a good job now. I, in other people's eyes, have a pretty good life compared to some.

But there have also been times when I miss being around people, miss going out and doing things, only to angrily turn on myself and think “You're such an idiot. You did this. You pushed everyone away thinking that taking time away from them would help you understand how you feel and give you the opportunity to resolve your feelings. Only, time apart just allowed any feelings of hurt, jealousy, and resentment to fester and grow. It's all my fault. I did this, and so I must live with it. It's too late to fix things. It will never be the same as it was, it can't be, too much has changed. It's never going to get better.” I find myself repeating this little mantra in my head over and over again. “It's never going to get better.” This can't be healthy.

And still other times, I think, “Well, if I just pretend that everything is fine, maybe it will be fine.” You know, if you think happy thoughts, happy things will happen, and you will be happy. I was at work a couple weeks ago and there is this Simpsons card that when you open it it's Marge Simpson saying “Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you, and happiness will follow.” I literally almost cried at work. What is wrong with me? I started thinking that this is what people do, this is how normal people probably deal with their problems, right? You just deal with it like a grown-up and move on. But is it? Is that healthy? Shouldn't you embrace your bad feelings to a point, to find out why they're there, where they came from, and then to deal with them?

I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like nobody has the answer. I have nobody to talk to. Even my shrink doesn't seem to be pointing me in the right direction, or any direction for that matter. When I try to talk to my mom about it, she just doesn't get it. No. 1: she doesn't understand anything about men and how to deal with them in the 21st century. She has to be THE most naïve and innocent person I've ever met and she's 58. She started dating my dad when she was 15 and waiting til marriage to have sex. She was shocked when my sister came home with a hickey once in high school; she'd never had a hickey. She didn't know what a beaver or twat was until she was in her forties. She just doesn't get anything. No. 2: She doesn't understand anything about my friend situation either. Sometimes I feel like she really doesn't want to know how sad I am because she doesn't know how to fix it and that to her is frustrating as a mom.

My sister isn't any better either. She has her own problems to deal with. Her house is pretty much a money pit with one thing going wrong after another. Her kids are a lot for her to deal with too. So I feel like I shouldn't bother her with my problems. When I've tried to talk to her about my friends and was letting her know that I was pushing them away, she didn't seem too concerned or wondered why I would want to create my own loneliness. She just said, “Sometimes people grow apart and friends move on.” But, she was never one to have lots of girl friends, either. She has one, but mostly she hung out with guys. Plus, she is the type of person who always had a boyfriend. Ever since high school, it was one guy after the next all the way through college until she met her husband in her post-grad. So, I can't talk to her about men either. I've told her about the guys, but she's never really been the friend I've needed, only a sister, if that makes sense. She's there to remind me how they're jerks and that I deserve better than that, but, I don't know, it's not the same as talking to a true friend somehow. I can't describe it.

So all along, I've told myself that I'm not depressed. I'm not, I'm just unsatisfied with the way things are in my life right now. But, maybe I am. I'm starting to feel a bit crazy inside. I don't like to use that word, because I'm sure every mentally unstable person has a medical reason behind their actions besides pure insanity.

I'm not even sure what I want anymore, which makes it harder too. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I thought I wanted a normal life, which for a single woman living in a decent sized city, would entail going out with friends, dating men, having fun. I've tried to look further into the blogosphere to seek solace in the fact that there are other women like me out there, but what I've come across more often than not are these sites where women basically talk about their sexcapades with men and I think that is nowhere near close to what I want or who I'd want to be friends with, or is it? Sometimes I think that yeah, if I had friends we'd be like the Sex and the City girls talking about all the men we've dated and slept with, but is that actually what I want? I guess the Catholic upbringing did have some kind of effect on me because I don't think of promiscuity as a good thing, but at the same time, sometimes I am so jealous of having a “normal” sex life. I can't find an official average, but it seems women usually have an average of below 10 sexual partners in their life. The older I get, though, the harder it is to get close to men without the fear of them “knowing” everything about me and being completely embarrassed and humiliated. (Although, I'd have to actually meet a guy first.) Other times, I'm completely jealous of some of my friends who found their partners in college and never had to “sleaze it up.”

With my friends too, I have no idea what I want. All along I've said that I want friends who are interested in the same things I am, who want to go out and do things. Sometimes, I wonder what these things are that I talk about. I feel like I really first got upset when they didn't want to go out on the town like we used to. Usually we would go to bars and pretty much get wasted. Is this really my idea of fun? I often think about college and look back and think about how much fun we used to have, just us girls, but realistically, all we did was get trashed every weekend, hook up with different guys, and then laugh about it all. Is this my idea of fun? Is this all I see for my future? I've seen what that kind of attitude can do to someone. My dad had a fun time in college, probably too much fun for his own good. He's always told stories about his friends and their shenanigans and they always involved them being drunk. My sister and I have always thought that was partly the reason for his alcoholism, that he still thinks that those were the best times of his life and he's stuck in the past, which is why he acts so completely immature. I don't want to be that person, always living in the past, thinking that those times were the best and that no other part of my life will ever be as good. Sometimes I wonder if I really do want the life that I've envisioned for my future: the husband, the family, friends that are married with kids, so we can raise our kids together. Maybe I'd want them more if I was in that place, but I'm not. I'm in the single girl place. To me, being single, has always been going out, getting drunk, hooking up with a random guy, which for me has inevitably led nowhere. Maybe I need to get out of that place, but how? That's all I've ever known. And what's on the other side? Grown-up stuff. Does that equal boring stuff?

Man, I think I'm either bi-polar or have a raging case of Peter Pan syndrome. The screen's making my eyes hurt, this post is way too long. I'm not even proof-reading. Sorry for any errors.

Hot and humid

So, if you're like me and live in New England, you know that it is hotter than hell outside. Right now I'm sitting directly in front of my fan while the AC I just got hot and sweaty putting in all by myself cools down my bedroom. I know many, many people love this kind of weather, i.e. summer, but frankly, I hate it. I would love to live somewhere where its sunny and 68 year round. That's pretty much San Diego, right? Note to self: move to San Diego ASAP.

So update on the shrink. She's okay I guess. I mean, I've never been to a therapist before so I don't know if she's good or bad or what. Mostly, she's just been asking me questions about my life and my upbringing and stuff. I really wish I could start talking about the now instead of the past, maybe in my next session... The reason is really because I am so fucking bored. Even though I hate this weather, it is the type where you want to be out and about with people doing something, not sticking to your couch watching HGTV and Cast Away for the millionth time. (Although, it is scary how much I can relate to that man trapped on an island all alone.) I really do want to have a social life, and of course it's easiest with the people who know you and who you've known for a long time, not that I have any other people to hang out with. Lately, for some reason, it's been worse. I feel like people at work are constantly asking me "what are your plans for the weekend?" or "what'd you do last weekend?" and thank god I have the excuse that I have to work my PT job otherwise I don't know what I'd say. I guess I would lie because whenever I say "nothing" I totally see pity in their eyes. I hate that.

I signed up for this website where you join different groups and do stuff together. Mostly, I signed up for girls night out type groups, but also book clubs, a running group, and an indie music group. I haven't gone to any of the meetings yet. I know I should at least give them a shot, but it's so hard to create that friendship base that you build everything else on. It's hard to gauge people's personalities and senses of humor, especially when you see them rarely, so really you don't, well, I don't feel comfortable letting my real self show until much later. I feel like I'm in a catch-22 where I want to hang out with my old friends, but still don't think I can handle it. I've been thinking about emailing K and talking to her finally, but I'm still procrastinating. Maybe I'll ask my therapist about it.

I am melting into my couch.

I hate today

So not only is it GORGEOUS, and I mean sunny, cloudless, breezy, the whole nine yards, outside and I have nowhere fun to go, like a Memorial Day bbq or something, I have this medical problem (which I won't go into here) that has me down for the count today. I am miserable. I'm supposed to work my p/t job today 12-6:30, which was gonna be fine because I get paid time and a half, but called my boss to say I was sick. She is SUCH a hard ass. No sympathy whatsoever and then was like, "well, you know that's it's your responsibility to find someone to cover your shift when you call out." Bitch. So, I told her I might come in from 5-6:30 to help her close the store if that would help her out. I hate my boss and I hate today.

New poll:
In light of the fact that my salary grade at my f/t job is rising and I hate my p/t job, should I keep this gig to save some extra dough so that I can actually buy a home without depending on a spouse's supplementary income (which will never come) or say life's too short, fuck it and quit? Thoughts?