Kisses from God

So I thought I would start my new blog with an explanation of my title. When I was younger I used to get teased about my freckles. “Freckle-face” was the most popular. As a young girl I couldn’t figure out why freckles were bad or ugly or why I had to have them. Why was I born with something that other people considered hideous? My mother used to tell me that my freckles were kisses from God. So clever, not a bad one, Mom. At first this satisfied my wonderings. “Wow”, I thought, “God must love me a lot.” Later, as I grew up, I began to question that explanation. If God loved me so much, then why would He afflict me with something people consider unattractive? That’s not very nice of Him. There are plenty of other people that grow up to be universally acceptably beautiful, who don’t seem to have a very hard time of finding work, love, etc. If God loves me so much, why does He make it so hard for me to find love of my own? That question never stopped haunting me.


My freckles are not a cute thing to me.(That picture is obviously not me, just in case you were wondering.) They are not the speckled freckles across a model’s face, like Kate Moss, on which they would seem dainty. No, I have big, globby freckles. The ones that cover my entire body (except for where the sun don’t shine) and mush together to form even bigger freckles. In fact, when I was younger I remember being with my sister and seeing a women so covered in freckles like my own, that I wondered when she would be covered so much so that you would no longer see pale skin. This sickened me. I remember we laughed and were absolutely disgusted by the possibility. But what I didn’t realize then is that I am this woman, twenty years earlier in life. I must have thought about it a little, though. My mom still has a Christmas wish list that I wrote to Santa when I was about seven. On my wish list, I wrote “no more freckles” as one of my Christmas presents. My freckles haunt me, cover me, almost like a disease. I dread opening my eyes in the morning if they are near my own skin. I am frightened by it. It almost seems like I have a disease. Unless you have the same condition, it’s hard to relate.