Everything remains the same

Sorry for the disappointment folks. Unlike what most of you probably attribute to my absence from this blog, unfortunately, it has not been because I've found the love of my life and am living in romantic bliss. It's quite the opposite. It's that absolutely nothing has changed and there is nothing of worth to report.

I think last I left this blog, I was getting over the crush of my coworker who turned out to be gay. Well, that was what? 2 years ago? There has not been one, not a single romantic interest in my life since then. Not even the potential for a new friend. Life has been remarkably boring for the past few years with nothing new or exciting to report. I am still at the same job, still in the same condo that I purchased almost 3 years ago, still single, still superbly fucking miserable. Unlike other bloggers, who seem to find success in the online dating circuit or get set up by friends, I have not met a single person. Let me clarify what I mean by "success," I don't mean meeting someone and having that lead to a relationship, I mean just actually getting a hit on your profile from someone who's not over 50, obese, and unattractive. I don't get any responses on my profile. The fact that others not only get responses, but actually get to meet people seems remarkable to me. It's like I have fucking leprosy. I don't get it, which is why I no longer participate in those sites.

On some level though, I don't even think I could handle even getting involved with anyone anymore. It's almost like it's too scary, too terrifying. At this point, it's been almost 7 years since I've even kissed anyone. There's just so much anxiety that comes with trying to explain what the fuck I've been doing with my life since then and why as a 33 year old woman I've only had sex once and don't even remember it, and why I've never been in a relationship at all; it just seems all too overwhelming. And so, a part of me feels like it would just be easier to give up, to bear this loneliness as part of my fate. Even though I don't believe in a god or destiny, part of me feels like I was born to live this life, not that it's my fate, but that it's more of my personality, that it's just who I am. I'm not trying to lay blame on anyone, but the atmosphere in which I grew up was not one that encouraged romantic love. My parents had marital troubles while I was growing up and so I wasn't aware of how a functioning marriage might behave. I also wasn't encouraged by my mother to engage in any kind of normal dating rites that most teenagers experience. I was always told that "boys are bad" and "stay away from boys." I'm not trying to blame my mother here, but it did instill a sense of distrust toward the opposite gender. It made me feel like boys were only after one thing and that they weren't to be trusted. And so, fast forward 20 years and here I am, still terrified of what a guy really wants from me and what he will think of me when I tell him my past.

Since there is and doesn't seem like there will ever be any love updates in the future, I will share that I am looking to sell my condo so that I can buy a house in the Spring. Ugh, living on the first floor of a multi-unit building is the worst! I have always been on the top floor of a building and had never experienced a heavy-footed upstairs neighbor. Holy shit! I feel like I live underneath an elephant! And my upstairs neighbor has 3 cats and a dog, who barks any time the cats chase each other, which is, all the time! F*ing A. I cannot wait to have my own space, at which point, I'll hopefully get a dog of my own, but who knows. At the current moment I'm on hiatus because it seems that every dog rescue in New England doesn't want a single woman who works full time to have a dog. I don't know what it is about these dog rescue places, but they need to get off their high horses. Yes, I work full time, and no I don't have a fully fenced in yard, but I will love the f*ing shit out of this dog, and just because someone is home full time with kids doesn't mean that the dog is going to get their full attention, it could in fact be just the opposite! Kids take priority over pets most often. Whereas, I don't have any kids and can give a pet my full attention, but NOOOOO, I must be a selfish fucking asshole if I'm a single person living in a city. I can't possibly take a dog on walks or to the dog park, but a person who has kids and a doggy door who never walks the dog must be a perfect pet parent.

It's almost worse than being rejected by a man, because it's not even like the pet itself is coming up to meet me and then turning its nose at me, it's someone who's rejecting me on their behalf. You don't know me! You don't know what kind of pet parent I would be! Tons of fucktard people have kids every day without their kids asking if they want them as parents, but that's perfectly fine, nobody questions that. Reverse it and it's like I'm the devil because I don't have a fully fenced yard or other dogs in my home.

I'm really just ranting because I'm having a bad week, I'm slightly, or maybe really, intoxicated, and I just need a venue to spew my grievances. Plus, I've complained about my life to so many people so many times that at this point I can't even garner any sympathy from anyone anymore. They've heard it all before, depending on who they are, for 5, 10, even 15 years now. My college friends don't even know what to say to me anymore. They can't even offer that crappy advice, which I'm not complaining about because, quite frankly, it is super depressing. If I hear "you'll meet someone" one more fucking time.... My friend K told me on my last birthday as we met for coffee, "I honestly don't know why you haven't met anyone, I really can't figure it out." And although I appreciated her honesty, it hurt all the same for some reason. Maybe because of the truth in it. It's often when I hear the truth in other people's advice or statements and not some bullshit "there's fish in the sea" crap that I get sad. I think it's because that means it's real. It's real, not just in my mind, but in theirs too. They see it, the injustice, how it's not fair that they, and everyone we know, has found love, and yet I remain alone, just me, and nobody else.

And so, I depart tonight utterly hopeless. My internal mantra as I fall asleep every night remains the same, "things will only get worse, they'll never get better." And it's only for the sake of my loved ones that I don't end it all now. I've never had the guts to do it or do it to them. And so, I resolve to go on, each boring day after boring day, with disappointment and nothingness. It's what, just another 60 or so years, I guess I can handle it. I wouldn't be the first.

Time flies when you're...doing nothing

So today is my anniversary. It's my 5 year anniversary of having been with anyone, kissed anyone, whatever. It's been 5 years and it feels like it's forever. My title is a lie, time doesn't fly, it goes by extremely painfully slow. It doesn't feel like yesterday; it feels like another lifetime. It feels like another life, another me. The person I am today, man, I can't even imagine myself in a situation where someone would kiss me, or be interested in kissing me, or be interested in me at all.

I still have my day planner from that year and in the back in the notes section where you would normally keep addresses and lists and whatnot, I wrote a little note to myself. I said "in a year where I have accomplished so much, finished my degree, got a full time job in a career that I loved and not just a job that I hated, it's funny that I feel suicidal." Funny how little things change. Even after five years I still feel the pain of that awful night, that blacked out decision. I'd take it all back. What does it really mean anyway? What am I really supposed to tell someone about that? I guess there's nobody to tell but all of you..few.

It still pains me to know that I even liked my gay coworker. I get mad at myself that I should've known somehow. I'm still having issues with drinking more than I should, mostly when hanging out after work with him. It's not so much that I'm upset that he's gay, because actually I'm liking him less and less as I get to know him, it's more that I let myself get my hopes up in the first place. I should've known better.

Even recently, I went on a pub crawl with a friend of mine and the instant we got there I saw this guy I liked and who was totally my type. I pointed him out at the second bar to my friend from across the room. Then, later, he ended up right near us and she said, "Oh, he's cute." I said, "I know, right." It was only later that I figured it out that she didn't realize it was the same guy. So, essentially, we thought the same guy was cute. We ended up talking to him by the fourth bar and hanging out with him the rest of the night. He just moved here from the midwest and didn't have many friends here. We walked to the train together and decided to exchange numbers. My friend gave her hers first but his train came and so I said I'd get his number from her and just text him so he'd have mine. Well, 2 minutes later he texted her saying "let me know if you want to hang out sometime." She goes, "what did he text you?". "Nothing." And so it was awkward then because she knew I liked him and knew it's been a long time for me and said she'd step back, but clearly he texted her, not me. And I didn't want to just text him to go out 1. if he liked her more and 2.because if he didn't like me, i'd still like to have him as a friend considering I am seriously lacking in male friends. But, in the end, it was all too weird, and nothing has happened.

And this is my life. I don't expect for anything else to happen given that I am more and more content to just sit on my ass in front of the TV weekend after weekend rather than subject myself to the bar scene with young girls wearing spandex mini dresses and heels trying to vie for the attention that I will never receive.

I guess I should look on the positive side of things. If I've made it 5 years, I can surely make it 10, and if I can make it 10 then I can surely make it 20. By then, I'm guessing that I'll be the one who ends up asking my parents to live with me since my brother and sister have families of their own. Then, I'll be the 50 year old who lives and cares for her 80 year old parents and I'll fill my time with that. Maybe it will even be less lonely then.

In the meantime, I'm considering getting a dog. I know that they're a lot of work, but sometimes I just want to come home from work and greet a face that's actually happy to see me and who will love me unconditionally.

Things can only get worse

So I don't know what is compelling me to write after being away for so long. Nothing super eventful has happened or anything. A lot has happened though in the past year and so here are the updates in no particular order except for this is the order in which I'm remembering them.

I finally talked to my dad last Thanksgiving. We met with a counselor and I told him how much he really hurt our family and how his drinking was so toxic to our relationship with him and his relationship with my mom. It was really hard to hear him say that he didn't really remember the way he would treat her or us and that most of his actions weren't based on any logic, they were all tied to his need to drink and how he could fulfill that addiction. At first it just seemed like a cop out, like he was blaming his behavior on the alcohol. You have to just try to understand though, that with addiction, there is no logical behavior, it skews your sense of reality and I think I even read somewhere that it does change the way your brain makes decisions in that certain neuro-connections are altered or something.

I bought a condo in May. That was a pretty big deal for me and really stressful. I found a steal though and in this economy I had to take advantage of the low prices and low interest rates. It's small, only a one bedroom, but it has a yard and a deck and I still have the same commute to work. I think it'll be good for me financially, because instead of paying a landlord, I'm essentially paying myself now. I see it as my 3-5 year place and hope to one day get something a bit bigger that's not in a building so I don't have to deal with neighbors.

The part you've all been waiting for I'm sure....I'm still single! Shocker! I laugh when I think back to where I was last winter because well, here's the story in a nutshell. A new guy started in my office. At first I thought, eh, not my type, but not the ugliest guy in the world. He was a little metro, but his parents are European, so I thought, maybe he just has a different sense of style. We started hanging out, first with other coworkers for drinks after work, but I soon saw him on weekends and what not. He said things to me in a way that made it seem like he was flirting. I don't even think that I was imagining it either because 4 people at work asked me if we were dating, so clearly, it wasn't all just me.

Anyway, I soon got some signals that something wasn't quite right. I'm sure you've already guessed it, he's gay. He hides it VERY well, and he tries to because he's clearly not out at work, which is fine. I can see why people would be hesitant to be open at work about their personal lives especially when they're trying to climb the corporate ladder, but my office is super open. There are 2 openly married gay men and nobody seems to give two shits.

So needless to say I was not only disappointed and felt stupid, but I was kinda mad. I wrote this to ecrivain once (it's just easier to copy and paste): "I just had lunch with a friend who tried every which way to say that this is a good thing, and i put myself out there, and i should see the positive side of it, blah blah blah. but just the way she said it, it didn't make me feel better at all! i was like, i just wasted 5 months of getting dressed up and putting on makeup and doing my hair to try to make him attracted to me and it was all a waste of effort. and she compared it to a 5 year relationship she had in her early twenties. she was like, "do i regret having that relationship, no." and all i could say was "stop right there. that's the difference. you HAD a relationship." I've never even been closed to one. and i can't compare months of you being single to my entire life. so when i am let down by something, it's like compounded by like 30 years."

What's worse is that I still am slightly attracted to him. I mean, we're still friends and he's since come out to me, so now when we're out alone (not in front of other coworkers) he talks openly to me about his personal life. It just sucks. More than ever I just feel like giving up.

On top of all this, I feel like I've been self-medicating with alcohol. When I go out, I just want to numb myself and forget the person I am and become someone else. I feel like it's getting a little out of hand though, and with my family history, I do have grounds to be concerned. I'm thinking my New Year's resolution (even though I hate New Years and never make resolutions) will be to chill out and really get myself healthy. That's another thing, I haven't really been taking care of myself, not running, eating crap, and I've put on like 10 lbs. One more reason to feel shitty about myself.

I'm stopping now, but I might write more later.

Not even fazed

So, I obviously haven't posted in a really long time. Some of you might think that the reason is that maybe I got lucky and found someone, things are finally on the upswing, that I'm happy. Unfortunately, that's not the case at all. It's way more uninteresting and depressing than that. Nothing has really changed at all, for the better or for the worse. Well, that may be debatable.

I just got really tired of vomiting up my depression for all the world to view. Besides, it wasn't really making me feel any better. Don't get me wrong, knowing that I'm not alone and that other people are in similar situations does bring me comfort and I continue to read all your blogs daily. For some reason, I just can't really stomach mine anymore.

The only reason I'm posting now is because I turned 30 on Thursday. It actually wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be for the past decade. I think it's probably because I've been prepping myself for the day for a really long time. My birthday has always been a sore subject for me. It's always around the long weekend, so inevitably, everyone's always too busy to celebrate. I've also had a string of bad birthdays, the worst was when I had my wisdom teeth out and spent my 20th birthday vomiting up blood. The next year was supposed to be an awesome one, the big 21. Yeah. I spent it home alone watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Nobody took me out. My first adult drink I bought for myself.

I try to avoid anyone finding out about it too because it's not something I really want to celebrate anyway. I'm pretty sure I have Peter Pan syndrome. I'm sure being alone and unaccomplished might have something to do with that. So I don't list it on Facebook and didn't let anyone post on my wall that day. The people who I really care about sent me a text, and that was all I wanted. I spent the day at a museum and the movies followed by 4 beers while listening to depressing music and crying myself to sleep. The perfect day.

In other news, in case you really want some cheer...

Things with my family continue to be crappy. I still haven't spoken to my dad since April of 09. I'm open now to meeting with him, with a mediator to help guide the conversation. Things with my sister and my mother are still strained. Things with my sister and sister-in-law are still strained. So that's all been a joy to deal with.

The atmosphere at work is becoming unsettling. Things seem to be changing in a way that I suppose is good for my office. Things, as always, are moving towards technology with a high demand for things faster and easier and by changing, my office is avoiding becoming obsolete, except the drawback of that is that my work and the work of my colleagues is veering very much away from what we actually went to school to study. I've been kind of unhappy for a while, not just with my job, but with this town. I feel like I need a change. Unfortunately, there aren't many jobs elsewhere or anywhere for that matter and I am not one to move without a steady income.

Ugh, see, I don't even like this post. Just word garbage.

On a final note...I have a mouse in my apt. Glee!

P.S. I do appreciate those of you that have expressed concerned over my absence...you're honestly the only ones that notice when I'm not "there."

Feeling the stress

I wish that I was inspired to write when things go right in my life, but of course, that's never the case.

My acne decided to clear up just before I had to take some time off from work to take care of a medical issue that I've been struggling with for years. I had to have surgery and was home for about two weeks recovering over the Christmas/New Years holidays. I knew it would be a hard recovery, but it was even worse than I thought. Thankfully, I'm on the mend now and things should only improve from here on out.

My mom ended up staying with me to help, which was very nice of her, but it did end up being kind of awkward. She talked to my dad at least once if not twice a day, which made me a little uncomfortable. Then the weekend she left me, she emailed me saying she let him move back in the house.

Upon hearing this news, my sister for some reason decided she couldn't handle talking to my mom right now, so at the moment, they are not in contact. I know this upsets my mom, but I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to my sister, but she won't tell me what's going on. My mom asks me and I can't even explain it, but maybe it's better if I don't know anything that way I'm not dragged into it.

This weekend, my sister, my brother and I all met up to exchange Christmas gifts for the kids since none of us spent the holiday together (my dad went to my brother's, I was incapacitated with my mom, and my sister spent it alone). It was so awkward. For the second year in a row, my sister ended up sitting next to my sister-in-law and let's just say they do not get along. Well, my sister I think makes an effort, it's my sister-in-law who is weird. She's hard to explain. Even I have felt a strain in our relationship over the years. She definitely has changed since my brother started making more money and she has very strong beliefs in things relating to health and parenting, which I know gets in the way of her and my sister's relationship. She also doesn't get along great with my mother and I've heard her vent about her and when you hear someone talk bad about your mom, it's just a hard thing to forget.

So needless to say, the acne is back along with a lovely cold sore. Luckily, my doctor prescribed me something for it and it's actually made some difference; it's still there, but I think it should go away quicker than normal.

I know when my body starts reacting to stress that it's really getting to me. Usually, I feel like I handle it pretty well, and by well, I mean internalizing it and suppressing it, ya know, the healthy way to deal with it. It's just become so difficult. I feel like my entire family is falling apart and without a family of my own to fall into, I feel like I'm falling apart.

The Universe Hates Me

...and now I have adult acne. Shoot me.

Feeling overwhelmed

These stupid rainy weekends always put me in a more depressed mood than usual. Today I've been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. So beware, this is sort of a bitchfest.

After months of struggling with the decision to divorce my father, my mother decided to put the divorce on hold after my father *promised* to go to AA and work on his addiction. This news should make me happy, but in fact it actually upsets me more.

I've seen all of what she has had to endure emotionally, psychologically, and physically that I just don't want her to go through any more. I've also seen his pattern of saying it'll get better and that he wants to work it out and then disappointing her. I have a feeling that his latest attempt at reconciliation is under false pretenses. I think he's either lonely now that the holiday season is approaching, he's missing his grandkids he's not allowed to see and thinks repairing the marriage will rectify that, or he's just plain tired of cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes and dishes and wants her to do it for him again.

Even though I am his daughter and I am connected to the situation, I think growing up I definitely saw things through different eyes than my mother. I wasn't married to him and I didn't have to stay with him and live with him forever. After high school it was only summers in college that I had to endure his behavior and his verbal abuse to my mom. I feel like I developed a more objective view of their relationship because he really was never a dad to me, just someone who happened to be my father.

It's funny that as a person who's never had a real relationship I feel as though I have a good idea of what a healthy one should be. It probably is the reason I am so picky with who I want to be with, which I think I've written about previously.

With all of this going on, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it or someone to get my mind off of it and cheer me up. I know I can call my friends, but they have their own stuff going on and sometimes it's random times during the day that I wish I could talk to a best friend, have them give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. That guy from The Wedding Singer was right, that's all I really want.

I hate that everything I want is so unattainable to me-love, a house, a normal family. I know everyone's family is not "normal" but I wish that I was actually able to envision a wedding for myself, but I can't. My father wouldn't be in the picture. We don't talk to half my family because of family fights. There's a couple "bad sheep," one of which is currently in jail. I think there would be less than 10 people on my side there. We can barely have any normal family functions. This Thanksgiving is a good example. My brother invited my dad (he still talks to him for some reason which I cannot understand), he didn't end up going, but he didn't even invite me (single and all alone!) or my sister and her family. So my brother and sister each spent the holiday alone. So weird. I ended up going with my mom to my grandparents house and my neurotic aunt and my 35 yr old cousin, who my grandparents and aunt still support, were there! Hello, you're 35, grow up!

I can't afford a home because I don't make a lot in my profession and probably never will so owning without the help of someone else (and I cannot handle a roommate at this point in my life) is out of the question. I'm beginning to hate this stupid apartment. My downstairs neighbor plays his bass SO loud, it's ridiculous. I told him to lower it the day he moved in, but I still hear it every day. Last night I was so upset I stomped on the floor out of frustration. I hate that it's come to that. I can't even get a dog here, which I'd love to have for company and some love in my life.

I think my friends think that I should go to therapy for everything that I'm feeling, but I've tried that and I don't feel like it really helped. Besides, a therapist can't repair my family for me, they wouldn't be able to buy me a home, and I don't think it's in their job description to find me a date. I understand that a therapist would help you deal with you problems and maybe accept your life as it is, be thankful for what you do have. But why would I want to accept and be happy with this life? Isn't it everyone's dream to find love and happiness? Why would I want to accept a life of loneliness? I am thankful for what I do have and know that some people have much less than I do, materialistically that is, but there are some people who have so much less but at the same time have so much more than I do, emotionally that is. I think I'd give up everything I have to love someone who'd love me back.