Why do I even bother?

So, my mom did not have a second heart attack, which is great news, although, there is still a very long road ahead of her. I just hope that it doesn't affect her physically again like that, so scary. She called me Friday night so upset. I was out with K and got a voicemail. I feel horrible being so far away from her while she's going through this and also not knowing what to say to her either.

Friday, I met up with K and her fiance on a pub crawl that her coworkers had organized. People, my friends mostly, wonder why I'm so pessimistic about finding someone and don't understand why I think I'll ultimately end up alone. Friday night was the perfect example of my reasoning. Upon being introduced to two guys that showed up, they not only gave me the most uninterested look, they immediately walked away and talked to other people. Maybe they were attached, maybe they were gay, but usually, nay always, this is the reaction I get from men-disinterest.

Later, I was talking to K and this one guy and realized he grew up a town over from me. I'm a little older and couldn't name anyone he knew, but still, he made no attempt to even talk about this commonality. Rather, he was totally distracted texting on his phone. If, however, I was attractive, how much do you want to bet that there would be endless things to sprout from that one fact. I was going to go on to a party with K and her fiance but at the last minute decided to just go home.

It was just one of those nights where you feel like "why do I even bother?" Why do I bother putting on makeup and straightening my hair and picking out a cute outfit when I'm going to be totally ignored by the exact people I am trying to impress. It doesn't even make me feel better to do those things. On What Not to Wear they're always saying you should dress and take care of your appearance to make yourself feel better, but honestly, it just makes me feel like I'm living a lie, like I'm trying to fit in and it's not even working. It really bothers me that all of my friends don't even need to wear makeup or do their hair to look good, they're pretty naturally. And me, I look like a haggard without makeup or done hair.

I had a horrible Saturday. It was dark and rainy all day, thanks Ida, and I just felt awful. I just don't know why I try to trick myself into believing that it'll happen eventually, when I, of all people, know deep down that it won't. Every day I feel like I'm looking older and looking worse than when I was younger. My eyes are so sunken in and baggy and I'm getting random white hairs. Maybe I should just embrace my age and looks and say "fuck it." What would it even matter?

I guess the reason I'm posting today is that A just got engaged. So, out of all my friends that live on the east coast I am the only single one, the only one who is not married or not engaged. Still gets me every time.

Every little thing is making me feel less and less close to my friends. Wedding stuff, buying houses, starting families, dealing with in-laws. It's all just so foreign to me. I can tell that they grasp at straws to talk about things too, because I have nothing going on, except my parents, which isn't something I necessarily want to talk about all the time. I know that when we all get together at xmas, they're all going to want to talk about wedding crap. Joy.

I'd rather be alone

So, my mom is in the hospital again. My parent's are officially getting divorced, well, as soon as the marshall can find my dad to serve him the papers. I guess my mom found out that not only was he fooling around with someone else, he signed up for match.com. I'd say he's checked out of the marraige. She finally made the decision, and I'm proud of her, but I wish it wasn't so phsyically taxing on her. So far it doesn't look like it's another heart attack, maybe just a bad anxiety attack from being so upset, but still. I'm worried about her. She's never gone through A breakup at all let alone a 42 year relationship breakup.

I don't know if it's because I saw first hand how awful a marraige can be and how trapped you can get in it when your feelings get so strong and overpowering that I've been so picky and waited so long in finding someone of my own. I am so scared of ending up with someone that I'd fall out of love with or who would end up treating me like crap. I want this person to be perfect. In doing so, though, I'm scared I've built up my image of this person to something nobody could measure up to. Although, in the end, I think I'd rather be alone, forever, than be with someone who treated me the way my dad has treated my mom.

I just hope that there's some peace ahead. For me, for her, for everyone in my family. I don't know how much more stress I can take. I noticed a cold sore coming on yesterday, I'm sure from stress. Ironically, I've been getting them since I was 11 or 12, probably from sharing a glass and not from being promiscuous like so many people insinuate when they see people with them. And it only adds to me feeling horrible and disgusting on top of feeling sad and worried for my mom. At least it's Friday and I can avoid everyone for 2 days.

No one to notice

I went to a concert last night with A and D and before we went we grabbed a drink. A said she was feeling really bummed lately and she didn't know why. I said yeah, I've been feeling pretty bummed lately too. She was like, yeah, these past 3 days have been awful. I was like, oh, I've been bummed since D's wedding...a MONTH ago. I guess that didn't seem to phase her. She was like, my boyfriend even asked what was wrong, like, it's bad enough that other people are noticing. Funny, nobody ever really notices when I'm bummed out because I never see anyone and live alone. So, really I don't know why I even bother telling anyone. Nobody really seems to care.

I have a birthday party to go to tonight, it's actually the guy from the wedding that asked me why I wasn't married yet. I really don't even feel like going. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel like I should go just because my friends are and one from out of state will be there. Ugh.

I really wish I could get out of here, like to another state or country or something. I've been looking at job sites, but there really isn't anything out there. I feel like this place is suffocating me for some reason. I need to get away. I feel like I want to retreat from everyone like last time. I know that's not a solution, but somehow it was comforting. I can't really explain.

Anyways, I guess I should go get ready for this stupid party.

Nearing the edge

Do you ever get that feeling that you're losing absolute control over everything, including yourself? These past few days, maybe even weeks, I've felt like everything and anything is irritating me and that I'm getting closer to losing my mind.

I'm not sure what's going on my parent's marriage, but my father moved out of the house. Not sure if it's a permanent thing or what, but he was telling neighbors, people he doesn't even usually talk to, that they were getting divorced. Who knows anymore, my mother won't tell me anything. Even though it doesn't directly involve me and really it's what I want, it's still getting to me, probably because of what it must be like for my mom.

Little things about my apartment are driving me nuts. This will really make it seem like I'm going crazy, but I keep hearing a beeping noise periodically and it's driving me absolutely insane. It sounds like when your smoke detector needs new batteries-that sharp high pitched noise. Except it's not in my apartment, and it only beeps 3 times every few hours, so by the time I try to figure out where it's coming from, it stops. It's waking me up in the middle of the night and in the early morning.

This morning, on my day off, roofers came to put on a new roof to my apt building and started hammering, it felt like, right into my brain. I wanted to kill them.

I don't know why but I'm getting in this weird funk. Really getting sad about being alone. I try so hard not to care, caring only hurts. But I feel like it's all around me, everywhere I go. K is planning her wedding. Seems like A will get engaged any day now. I ran into Starbucks Saturday and in front of me were two girls who it sounded like went to high school together and just ran into each other and were catching up, girl 1: "hey how are you?" girl 2: "good, just got engaged" girl 1: "omg, me too!" Sigh. It's just everywhere.

I wish I could get out of here. Get a house far away from all civilization and not be bothered by anyone anymore. Have my own stuff instead of my landlord's crappy place. I'd like to move away, but I'm too practical to move without having a job first and of course there are no jobs now. I don't even think a vacation would help. I'd only have to come back to this place, these people, this life.

Sometimes I wonder, what is it that makes people "snap"? What makes people lose it, whether it's a mental breakdown or a mental break? Why can some people withstand trauma, even severe mental trauma, while others can handle very little? What determines that breaking point? Why can some people deal and others not? I guess that's what psychologists have been trying to figure out all this time. I wonder what my breaking point will be.

I've fallen and I...hello? hello?

Saturday morning I woke up at 6:30 to go to the bathroom. I tried not to wake myself up too much so that I could go right back to sleep really quickly. I'm not sure if it was because I was still half-asleep or if I tripped on something with my eyes only half open, but I fell. Hard.

I only remember walking through my kitchen and the next thing I know I'm lying on the floor in front of my bathroom shaking. On the way down, I hit my elbow, my shoulder, my back, and I'm pretty sure I hit my head most likely on closet doors and doorknobs. I knocked into my closet door that my ironing board hangs on and it made a pretty loud metallic clank.The first thing I did was turn on the light and made sure I wasn't bleeding anywhere. Thankfully, I just have some nice big bruises and a lasting headache.

At first I thought, oh crap, I must've woken up my neighbors for sure. But then I remembered that the guy below me had moved out last weekend. And the asshole who lives next to me probably couldn't give a shit anyways.

Nothing hurt so much that I cried, but I did end up crying because really, what if I had cracked my skull open, or had a concussion. All day Saturday nobody called me. I did an experiment and didn't go on FB or instant messenger. I could've been dead lying on my floor for probably 24-48 hours before someone realized I was dead. Is that weird that I think that?

I know it's not just that I'm single, I also live alone, so I guess for anyone that lives alone, you really run the chance of having something happen to you and nobody knowing about it, especially if it's on the weekend. It just makes me sad.

I've been pretty bummed all week since the wedding and this just topped it off. I'm just getting really sick of everything. I hate that I can't have anything I want-a relationship, a home, a dog, a normal family. That Smiths song keeps running through my head. He's right, it really could drive you mad.

That Morrissey was a smart one. He once said, "I do think it's possible to go through life and never fall in love, or find someone who loves you." I believe it too, as much as I don't want to.

"So, why aren't you married?"

This past weekend I went to my friend D's wedding. I was actually kind of surprised there was no drama. We all hate her husband and her mother-in-law is a certified nut job. It was actually a really fun wedding...

...ya know, except for a few key moments. Oh come on, how could a 30-year old single lady have absolutely nothing to complain about going to a wedding. So, I shared a room with my other only single friend C who was in the wedding, and my friend M and her husband. So I went with them to the church. Well, they scooted into a pew with my friend B and her husband and this guy I went to college with and his wife. (Note: couple, couple, couple). So I had to sit in the pew in front of them with this other girl from college and her husband. Then K showed up with her fiance and sat on the other side of them. (Note: couple, couple, Me). I look up a few pews and I see A's sister and her fiance, and another college friend and her husband and A's boyfriend (A was also in the wedding.) So it was awesome to be the only one who needed an usher to take her to her seat. Good times.

The wedding was a full mass which is kind of annoying, and I'm not just saying that because I'm atheist, I just think it just delays the onset of cocktail hour at the reception. It was surprisingly short, but when they go to the part where they say "for all the sick, blah blah blah" and then everyone's supposed to say "pray for us" or something, I can't remember the exact wording, it's been a while. Anyways, the priest goes, "for all the married couples, may their love continue blah blah blah" whatever it was, but he didn't mention the single ladies HELLO! How about "for all the single people out there, that they may find true love and happiness" No, nobody in that church prayed for me. We singletons get ignored. Thanks.

So, we get to the reception and are having drinks during the cocktail hour and this guy I went to college with comes up to me and before he even says hello says, "So, why aren't you married?" Um, what? I was NOT expecting that. I didn't even know what to say. It was like a slap in the face. For a split second, I got that pre-cry burn feeling in my eye, but it only lasted a second and I got over it. I looked at my friend M's husband who was standing there and he just had this blank look on his face. He didn't think to say "Hey, come on, that's not a very nice thing to say" no, he just stood there. Finally, I just said "I don't know" with kind of an offended attitude. He then got defensive and was like, "No, no I didn't mean that in a bad way, I meant it as a compliment, like why aren't you married by now?"

I'm sorry, there has got to be a better way to phrase that. How about "so why hasn't some lucky guy snatched you up yet?" or something. I mean, I don't really like that either. How about you don't bring me being single to my attention at all? How about that? Jerk.

So we go sit down and wait for the wedding party to get introduced and the photographer is going around to the tables taking pictures. He comes up to our table, which consists of all couples and me (my friend C sat with us, but she still was waiting to be introduced so she wasn't there), and he says "Ok, I'd like to get some couple shots." I rolled my eyes and made a face to try and make a joke of it quickly because of course all eyes went to me. I felt so stupid. Then my friend K who was sitting next to me was like "we can take a picture together." I was like, forget it. Good thing the bar opened shortly thereafter and I proceeded to get completely drunk and forgot about being alone...

That is until the stupid bouquet toss. I'm sorry, unless you are in your early 20's and you still have a ton of single friends, there is no need to throw your fucking bouquet. The DJ announces that he wants all the single girls on the floor and literally it was like crickets. It was me, C, and one of the brides friends. Disaster. So, the DJ was like, "if you have a boyfriend you're still "technically" single, so get out there." A couple more people showed up. I moved to the back and kept my arms down. I caught two bouquets when I was 24 and look how much luck that brought me. Fuck off. So, my friend A caught it, which is just as well since she'll probably become engaged in the next couple of months or so.

I was really surprised I didn't cry at all, not even late night. I did get upset the following day looking back at it all. It was all just so up in my face. I try to just ignore the fact that I'm single and alone and depressed about it and I think I do a pretty okay job going through life pushing it to the back burner. Most people don't ask me about my love life or bring it up and I sure as hell don't talk about it anymore. It just seemed that it was unavoidable. Something to look forward to at K's wedding next summer. Sure as hell hope C doesn't have a boyfriend then or I just might shoot myself.

Looking for drama

So I went to my friends house on Wednesday for a potluck, the one who lives in T's neighborhood. As I was walking there I suddenly got all nervous that I might run into him again like last time. Not this time though. I have to say that I was slightly disappointed. What is wrong with me? I don't want him. I know he's not right for me. I know he doesn't want me. Later, I realized from facebook stalking him that he moved and might not even live in that neighborhood anymore.

Lately, I've been spending some time with K's roommate, just because it's someone new to hang out with and possibly someone to introduce me to new people. Well, I have to say I do not like her crowd. They're kinda young and the guys are SO not my style-very young, very meatheadish, very cocky, very crass. Not my flava. BUT on top of all that, she has so much drama that it makes me super jealous. I mean, she's not the prettiest girl on the street, but neither am I, and yet she has all these potential guys hanging around that she's interested in. I totally wish I had that. Although, she's into the kinda guys I'm not.

I wish I knew where to find the kind of guys I'm into-tall, skinny, intelligent, mature, modest, interested in the same things musically as I am...I just know that they're all taken...or gay. Sometimes I just wish I had drama, even just a little, just to make life interesting. It hasn't been interesting in 2 1/2 years and I'm betting it won't get any more interesting in the future what with all my friends gettin hitched and not wanting to ever go out not that I ever really met anyone from going out.

This post is so haphazard, sorry. BTW I'm watching the Holiday on TV right now....and who would go on a vacation swap and just happen to run into someone who looks like Jude Law...oh yeah, that would be someone who looks like Cameron Diaz. Yup.