"So, why aren't you married?"

This past weekend I went to my friend D's wedding. I was actually kind of surprised there was no drama. We all hate her husband and her mother-in-law is a certified nut job. It was actually a really fun wedding...

...ya know, except for a few key moments. Oh come on, how could a 30-year old single lady have absolutely nothing to complain about going to a wedding. So, I shared a room with my other only single friend C who was in the wedding, and my friend M and her husband. So I went with them to the church. Well, they scooted into a pew with my friend B and her husband and this guy I went to college with and his wife. (Note: couple, couple, couple). So I had to sit in the pew in front of them with this other girl from college and her husband. Then K showed up with her fiance and sat on the other side of them. (Note: couple, couple, Me). I look up a few pews and I see A's sister and her fiance, and another college friend and her husband and A's boyfriend (A was also in the wedding.) So it was awesome to be the only one who needed an usher to take her to her seat. Good times.

The wedding was a full mass which is kind of annoying, and I'm not just saying that because I'm atheist, I just think it just delays the onset of cocktail hour at the reception. It was surprisingly short, but when they go to the part where they say "for all the sick, blah blah blah" and then everyone's supposed to say "pray for us" or something, I can't remember the exact wording, it's been a while. Anyways, the priest goes, "for all the married couples, may their love continue blah blah blah" whatever it was, but he didn't mention the single ladies HELLO! How about "for all the single people out there, that they may find true love and happiness" No, nobody in that church prayed for me. We singletons get ignored. Thanks.

So, we get to the reception and are having drinks during the cocktail hour and this guy I went to college with comes up to me and before he even says hello says, "So, why aren't you married?" Um, what? I was NOT expecting that. I didn't even know what to say. It was like a slap in the face. For a split second, I got that pre-cry burn feeling in my eye, but it only lasted a second and I got over it. I looked at my friend M's husband who was standing there and he just had this blank look on his face. He didn't think to say "Hey, come on, that's not a very nice thing to say" no, he just stood there. Finally, I just said "I don't know" with kind of an offended attitude. He then got defensive and was like, "No, no I didn't mean that in a bad way, I meant it as a compliment, like why aren't you married by now?"

I'm sorry, there has got to be a better way to phrase that. How about "so why hasn't some lucky guy snatched you up yet?" or something. I mean, I don't really like that either. How about you don't bring me being single to my attention at all? How about that? Jerk.

So we go sit down and wait for the wedding party to get introduced and the photographer is going around to the tables taking pictures. He comes up to our table, which consists of all couples and me (my friend C sat with us, but she still was waiting to be introduced so she wasn't there), and he says "Ok, I'd like to get some couple shots." I rolled my eyes and made a face to try and make a joke of it quickly because of course all eyes went to me. I felt so stupid. Then my friend K who was sitting next to me was like "we can take a picture together." I was like, forget it. Good thing the bar opened shortly thereafter and I proceeded to get completely drunk and forgot about being alone...

That is until the stupid bouquet toss. I'm sorry, unless you are in your early 20's and you still have a ton of single friends, there is no need to throw your fucking bouquet. The DJ announces that he wants all the single girls on the floor and literally it was like crickets. It was me, C, and one of the brides friends. Disaster. So, the DJ was like, "if you have a boyfriend you're still "technically" single, so get out there." A couple more people showed up. I moved to the back and kept my arms down. I caught two bouquets when I was 24 and look how much luck that brought me. Fuck off. So, my friend A caught it, which is just as well since she'll probably become engaged in the next couple of months or so.

I was really surprised I didn't cry at all, not even late night. I did get upset the following day looking back at it all. It was all just so up in my face. I try to just ignore the fact that I'm single and alone and depressed about it and I think I do a pretty okay job going through life pushing it to the back burner. Most people don't ask me about my love life or bring it up and I sure as hell don't talk about it anymore. It just seemed that it was unavoidable. Something to look forward to at K's wedding next summer. Sure as hell hope C doesn't have a boyfriend then or I just might shoot myself.

Looking for drama

So I went to my friends house on Wednesday for a potluck, the one who lives in T's neighborhood. As I was walking there I suddenly got all nervous that I might run into him again like last time. Not this time though. I have to say that I was slightly disappointed. What is wrong with me? I don't want him. I know he's not right for me. I know he doesn't want me. Later, I realized from facebook stalking him that he moved and might not even live in that neighborhood anymore.

Lately, I've been spending some time with K's roommate, just because it's someone new to hang out with and possibly someone to introduce me to new people. Well, I have to say I do not like her crowd. They're kinda young and the guys are SO not my style-very young, very meatheadish, very cocky, very crass. Not my flava. BUT on top of all that, she has so much drama that it makes me super jealous. I mean, she's not the prettiest girl on the street, but neither am I, and yet she has all these potential guys hanging around that she's interested in. I totally wish I had that. Although, she's into the kinda guys I'm not.

I wish I knew where to find the kind of guys I'm into-tall, skinny, intelligent, mature, modest, interested in the same things musically as I am...I just know that they're all taken...or gay. Sometimes I just wish I had drama, even just a little, just to make life interesting. It hasn't been interesting in 2 1/2 years and I'm betting it won't get any more interesting in the future what with all my friends gettin hitched and not wanting to ever go out not that I ever really met anyone from going out.

This post is so haphazard, sorry. BTW I'm watching the Holiday on TV right now....and who would go on a vacation swap and just happen to run into someone who looks like Jude Law...oh yeah, that would be someone who looks like Cameron Diaz. Yup.

Birthday blues

So, today is my 29th birthday and it's just as depressing as every other year has been in my life, but possibly more so, since this year will mark the year that every one of my close friends (except one who lives far far away) will be either engaged or married and I, I will still not even had anything close to a real relationship.

I tried to keep my birthday quiet, but the stupid admin assistant at work had it on a piece of paper by the copy machine. So all day I got "happy birthday"'s and had to fake a smile and say "thanks!" when really every time I heard it I just wanted to crawl under my desk and cry.

I went out for drinks after work with some coworkers, not to celebrate, but because there was a big meeting today about my department's "re-organization" and we wanted to let off some steam. Someone mentioned that it was my birthday, and I tried to explain how I hate my birthday and wish I could avoid it altogether. I don't get how people are so oblivious as to why someone who is almost 30 and single might be unhappy on their birthday. Hello? I don't have anyone to go home to, nobody to take me out, etc. I'm only reminded that another whole year has passed and not one person has even seriously soberly looked slightly in my direction with any interest. I have not met one person who I have found attractive. There has not been one event that would lead me to think that this year will be better than the next.

So no. Please stop. Don't wish me a happy birthday. Don't hope that I "have a GREAT day!", please, mourn with/for me. It will be another miserable year, only topped off by the fact that at the end I will be 30 and more miserable than I am today.

So good night. I will now resume to my birthday tradition of drinking and crying until I pass out.