I'm still alive update #3

So the third reason I hadn't been posting a lot lately was because of a family related problem. In the past, I wouldn't really talk about it with my friends because mostly I was embarrassed, but as I've grown older, I've realized that it's not something I have to be embarrassed about because it doesn't reflect on me or my character at all.

As far back as I can remember, I always picture my dad with a beer in his hand. I never really thought much about it growing up. I always thought it was kind of normal. I thought my relationship with my dad was normal. I was nothing close to daddy's little girl, in fact, when I heard that term, it always kind of creeped me out because I could never picture that type of relationship with him. He was just there.

I guess I never really noticed something was different until I was in high school. When I would go to my friends house I would see how they would interact with their dads, which wasn't something I didn't see when I was younger, I just don't think I noticed the difference until I was in my teens. I thought it was so weird. I thought, "wow, you talk to your dad?" "your dad makes dinner?" etc. Also, at that time, my dad started drinking way more alcohol, so maybe the difference in behavior was that much more dramatic.

It never really registered with me why my dad, who's a teacher, would come home at 5 or 5:30 everyday when school would let out at 2. It was only when my mom said one day that he was at "Bob's" after work that I realized he didn't work til 5 and it was only later that I learned that "Bob's" wasn't a teacher friend but a bar that I figured out what he was really doing. I never counted how much he drank back then, I just knew it was enough to piss me off and have him act like a complete asshole to not only me, but especially my mom. Only as an adult did I find out that he was drinking around 15 beers a day.

Remarkably, he never got a DUI or have some other bad thing happen to him as a result of drinking. I actually think his doctor told him his liver was in good shape, which is insane. The bad/good thing about his addiction is that it's not so bad where he's falling down or physically abusive or stealing money to buy alcohol or something; he's a functioning alcoholic, so he can hold down a job. My mom has said we should do an intervention, but really, he has nothing to lose, he has a job, money to support his habit, a house...the only thing he could lose would be us, which I don't think he'd really miss. I'm not saying he doesn't have a serious problem though. When he was having surgery a couple years ago, his dr had to order him a beer in the hospital because he was going through such bad withdrawal.

Anyways, so something must've happened at some point after I graduated college (some sort of threat or ultimatum) because my mom told him he could only have 2 beers a day at home and for the most part, we all believed, he was following those rules. Well, recently my mom found empty beer cans in their basement and over the holidays she found even more cans and empties in his car. This particularly freaked her out because she's scared that he's either drinking at work or drinking and driving and that he'll kill himself or someone else while driving. So basically he's been sneaking around and drinking right under my mom's nose.

So, my mom at this point, is trying to get my dad into therapy (he thinks he's just depressed, yeah right) and trying to make it work. I, on the other hand, want to tell her to divorce him because I think he's verbally abusive, childish, arrogant, and completely worthless to her. How do I say that to her and be supportive of her at the same time? It's tough. I don't know what to do. Personally, I could really take him or leave him. He was so mean to us growing up and aside from financially supporting me, he has been far from anything resembling a parent to me.

So, that's basically it.

Aside from that I'm having a particularly bad day. I have a huge cold sore on my lip. (I hate that I get them because I don't even have any fun times to attribute it to. I've been getting them ever since I was like seven, must've shared a drink with somone.) Then my mom was trying to give me a big chunk of money to help me with a downpayment and I didn't want it. She said that she gave my brother and sister similar amounts at their weddings. I said, yeah at their weddings and she said "who knows if you'll ever get married." Thanks mom, thanks. THEN, driving home, I got a nice big speeding ticket. Awesome. I'm having an awesome day.

I'm still alive update #2

So, another reason that I haven't blogged in a while was due to a personal medical problem, which was possibly the most embarrassing and disgusting thing imaginable. Because of this, I will absolutely spare you all the details, but I will say it had to do with my digestive system. I was in the most pain of my life for almost a month and almost ended up in the ER. Thankfully, a few doctors visits later and some highly nauseating treatments, I am feeling much better. However, even though I am temporarily better, it is pretty much guaranteed that I will have to live with this problem for the rest of my life.

I probably wouldn't share this information except that it directly affects my feelings towards relationships. It's not exactly something that I could hide from someone I would potentially be involved with. It's not like I could be crying in pain and NOT tell someone what was wrong. I had trouble talking to my doctor about it, how could I tell someone I liked? There are other reasons why it would be unavoidable to share this information to a potential boyfriend too. So, as I mentioned in my last post, I am trying to come to terms with never being with anyone, this is a huge contributor making this realization all the more easy. I could just avoid relationships altogether. Problem solved.

I know it's silly and that you're supposed to be able to share anything with the person you love, but it would most likely have to be shared sooner rather than later. So, it's not something I could save til I felt more comfortable with them. I don't think I'm being crazy because if a guy told me about this problem, I don't know how I would react either. Maybe I would like them enough that it wouldn't matter, but I am so guarded with revealing things about myself, my life, and my past, that I don't know if I'd be able to do it without dying of embarrassment first.

That brings me to the next thing that has been delaying my posts, but I'll save it for another time. It's too long to get into just now.

I'm still alive update #1

So, I know I haven't posted in a while, and it's for the reason I often lapse in posting, either I've got nothing to say because nothing is going on or what I do have to say is so depressing that I don't want to be whiny.

Last month wasn't the greatest for a couple of reasons, which I'll elaborate more on in upcoming posts. One of the main things bothering me last month I guess directly relates to the holidays and how I guess everyone feels lonely around them.

One thing that I noticed was that on my social utility site, everyone and their mother seems to either be married, engaged, or in a relationship and a couple profile photo to prove it-barf. I actually sat and counted up the single people that I know and I came up with 5 people. That's only people that I would consider friends or acquantences. If I wanted to include just friends, it's 2. Sometimes I feel like it's just all in my face everywhere I look.

On top of that one of my friends just got engaged and so the topic of conversation around my friends is of course weddings, and then turns to having babies, blah blah blah. Most uncomfortable was when my friends and I got together the Saturday after Christmas and the conversation turned to sex and if people had tried something specific that I won't get into here. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable being around the conversation, I don't mind getting pretty explicit about things, I'm definitely not a prude that way, maybe in other ways, but not conversationally. I guess it was more that I couldn't contribute to the conversation, because really, who am I to give an opinion when I haven't been in the situation or even remotely close to it. I don't know if anyone noticed that I didn't speak during that part of the night, but how could they not, everyone went around saying if they had or had not done it, except for me.

I also don't feel very hopeful about this new year. Online dating has been a complete bust for me and I will not be doing it again. I will attempt at going to these social meetings, but not to find men, more to just meet new people, girlfriends and guy friends, and keep myself busy.

At this point, I am trying to condition myself to not expect anything out of life. I know this goes against everything that the Secret teaches, but it also falls into the mentality of stuff happens when you're not looking for it too, so whatever. I've already pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have children. It's weird, I've always thought I wanted kids, but the more time I spend with my niece and nephews (which are great kids don't get me wrong) the more I realize that I don't know if I want them. Here's my reasoning. #1 I love sleep. I hate waking up early for anything. #2 I have zero tolerance for misbehavior and have a pretty bad temper, when I do get angry. I'm slightly afraid I'd be a spanker, which I don't necessarily want to be. #3 I see how draining kids are and how they hinder your life in many ways. I really like my freedom and don't know whether I could give up things. I know, I know, it's different when it's your own kids, but right now, unlike many of my other friends, I am NOT itching to have them anytime soon.

This works in my advantage I think. Don't guys get scared by those girls who are like "I just want to get married and have kids!" haha, well, maybe not, but I'm going to believe it's true. Next on my list is to condition myself not to expect marriage. Not everyone gets married in this world. And even more people don't stay married. This one is a little harder because if I don't have marriage to look forward to, then what do I? I am not one of those career driven people who wants to move up on the career ladder. So, what else is there? Watching everyone around you marry, have kids, etc. I know it's very "I have nothing to live for, let me just kill myself" kind of mentality. I mean sometimes I do feel that way, other times I don't, I just feel numb.

All I know is that I can't let myself believe that something will eventually happen. I've done that for over 15 years and I'm just continuously disappointed and driven deeper into depression. I figure if I expect nothing at all, if I do find something, at least I'll be surprised. But like I said, I am really feeling like I won't find anything and as weird as it sounds, it's starting to feel comforting.