I went to a concert last night with A and D and before we went we grabbed a drink. A said she was feeling really bummed lately and she didn't know why. I said yeah, I've been feeling pretty bummed lately too. She was like, yeah, these past 3 days have been awful. I was like, oh, I've been bummed since D's wedding...a MONTH ago. I guess that didn't seem to phase her. She was like, my boyfriend even asked what was wrong, like, it's bad enough that other people are noticing. Funny, nobody ever really notices when I'm bummed out because I never see anyone and live alone. So, really I don't know why I even bother telling anyone. Nobody really seems to care.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, it's actually the guy from the wedding that asked me why I wasn't married yet. I really don't even feel like going. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel like I should go just because my friends are and one from out of state will be there. Ugh.
I really wish I could get out of here, like to another state or country or something. I've been looking at job sites, but there really isn't anything out there. I feel like this place is suffocating me for some reason. I need to get away. I feel like I want to retreat from everyone like last time. I know that's not a solution, but somehow it was comforting. I can't really explain.
Anyways, I guess I should go get ready for this stupid party.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Nearing the edge
Do you ever get that feeling that you're losing absolute control over everything, including yourself? These past few days, maybe even weeks, I've felt like everything and anything is irritating me and that I'm getting closer to losing my mind.
I'm not sure what's going on my parent's marriage, but my father moved out of the house. Not sure if it's a permanent thing or what, but he was telling neighbors, people he doesn't even usually talk to, that they were getting divorced. Who knows anymore, my mother won't tell me anything. Even though it doesn't directly involve me and really it's what I want, it's still getting to me, probably because of what it must be like for my mom.
Little things about my apartment are driving me nuts. This will really make it seem like I'm going crazy, but I keep hearing a beeping noise periodically and it's driving me absolutely insane. It sounds like when your smoke detector needs new batteries-that sharp high pitched noise. Except it's not in my apartment, and it only beeps 3 times every few hours, so by the time I try to figure out where it's coming from, it stops. It's waking me up in the middle of the night and in the early morning.
This morning, on my day off, roofers came to put on a new roof to my apt building and started hammering, it felt like, right into my brain. I wanted to kill them.
I don't know why but I'm getting in this weird funk. Really getting sad about being alone. I try so hard not to care, caring only hurts. But I feel like it's all around me, everywhere I go. K is planning her wedding. Seems like A will get engaged any day now. I ran into Starbucks Saturday and in front of me were two girls who it sounded like went to high school together and just ran into each other and were catching up, girl 1: "hey how are you?" girl 2: "good, just got engaged" girl 1: "omg, me too!" Sigh. It's just everywhere.
I wish I could get out of here. Get a house far away from all civilization and not be bothered by anyone anymore. Have my own stuff instead of my landlord's crappy place. I'd like to move away, but I'm too practical to move without having a job first and of course there are no jobs now. I don't even think a vacation would help. I'd only have to come back to this place, these people, this life.
Sometimes I wonder, what is it that makes people "snap"? What makes people lose it, whether it's a mental breakdown or a mental break? Why can some people withstand trauma, even severe mental trauma, while others can handle very little? What determines that breaking point? Why can some people deal and others not? I guess that's what psychologists have been trying to figure out all this time. I wonder what my breaking point will be.
I'm not sure what's going on my parent's marriage, but my father moved out of the house. Not sure if it's a permanent thing or what, but he was telling neighbors, people he doesn't even usually talk to, that they were getting divorced. Who knows anymore, my mother won't tell me anything. Even though it doesn't directly involve me and really it's what I want, it's still getting to me, probably because of what it must be like for my mom.
Little things about my apartment are driving me nuts. This will really make it seem like I'm going crazy, but I keep hearing a beeping noise periodically and it's driving me absolutely insane. It sounds like when your smoke detector needs new batteries-that sharp high pitched noise. Except it's not in my apartment, and it only beeps 3 times every few hours, so by the time I try to figure out where it's coming from, it stops. It's waking me up in the middle of the night and in the early morning.
This morning, on my day off, roofers came to put on a new roof to my apt building and started hammering, it felt like, right into my brain. I wanted to kill them.
I don't know why but I'm getting in this weird funk. Really getting sad about being alone. I try so hard not to care, caring only hurts. But I feel like it's all around me, everywhere I go. K is planning her wedding. Seems like A will get engaged any day now. I ran into Starbucks Saturday and in front of me were two girls who it sounded like went to high school together and just ran into each other and were catching up, girl 1: "hey how are you?" girl 2: "good, just got engaged" girl 1: "omg, me too!" Sigh. It's just everywhere.
I wish I could get out of here. Get a house far away from all civilization and not be bothered by anyone anymore. Have my own stuff instead of my landlord's crappy place. I'd like to move away, but I'm too practical to move without having a job first and of course there are no jobs now. I don't even think a vacation would help. I'd only have to come back to this place, these people, this life.
Sometimes I wonder, what is it that makes people "snap"? What makes people lose it, whether it's a mental breakdown or a mental break? Why can some people withstand trauma, even severe mental trauma, while others can handle very little? What determines that breaking point? Why can some people deal and others not? I guess that's what psychologists have been trying to figure out all this time. I wonder what my breaking point will be.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I've fallen and I...hello? hello?
Saturday morning I woke up at 6:30 to go to the bathroom. I tried not to wake myself up too much so that I could go right back to sleep really quickly. I'm not sure if it was because I was still half-asleep or if I tripped on something with my eyes only half open, but I fell. Hard.
I only remember walking through my kitchen and the next thing I know I'm lying on the floor in front of my bathroom shaking. On the way down, I hit my elbow, my shoulder, my back, and I'm pretty sure I hit my head most likely on closet doors and doorknobs. I knocked into my closet door that my ironing board hangs on and it made a pretty loud metallic clank.The first thing I did was turn on the light and made sure I wasn't bleeding anywhere. Thankfully, I just have some nice big bruises and a lasting headache.
At first I thought, oh crap, I must've woken up my neighbors for sure. But then I remembered that the guy below me had moved out last weekend. And the asshole who lives next to me probably couldn't give a shit anyways.
Nothing hurt so much that I cried, but I did end up crying because really, what if I had cracked my skull open, or had a concussion. All day Saturday nobody called me. I did an experiment and didn't go on FB or instant messenger. I could've been dead lying on my floor for probably 24-48 hours before someone realized I was dead. Is that weird that I think that?
I know it's not just that I'm single, I also live alone, so I guess for anyone that lives alone, you really run the chance of having something happen to you and nobody knowing about it, especially if it's on the weekend. It just makes me sad.
I've been pretty bummed all week since the wedding and this just topped it off. I'm just getting really sick of everything. I hate that I can't have anything I want-a relationship, a home, a dog, a normal family. That Smiths song keeps running through my head. He's right, it really could drive you mad.
That Morrissey was a smart one. He once said, "I do think it's possible to go through life and never fall in love, or find someone who loves you." I believe it too, as much as I don't want to.
I only remember walking through my kitchen and the next thing I know I'm lying on the floor in front of my bathroom shaking. On the way down, I hit my elbow, my shoulder, my back, and I'm pretty sure I hit my head most likely on closet doors and doorknobs. I knocked into my closet door that my ironing board hangs on and it made a pretty loud metallic clank.The first thing I did was turn on the light and made sure I wasn't bleeding anywhere. Thankfully, I just have some nice big bruises and a lasting headache.
At first I thought, oh crap, I must've woken up my neighbors for sure. But then I remembered that the guy below me had moved out last weekend. And the asshole who lives next to me probably couldn't give a shit anyways.
Nothing hurt so much that I cried, but I did end up crying because really, what if I had cracked my skull open, or had a concussion. All day Saturday nobody called me. I did an experiment and didn't go on FB or instant messenger. I could've been dead lying on my floor for probably 24-48 hours before someone realized I was dead. Is that weird that I think that?
I know it's not just that I'm single, I also live alone, so I guess for anyone that lives alone, you really run the chance of having something happen to you and nobody knowing about it, especially if it's on the weekend. It just makes me sad.
I've been pretty bummed all week since the wedding and this just topped it off. I'm just getting really sick of everything. I hate that I can't have anything I want-a relationship, a home, a dog, a normal family. That Smiths song keeps running through my head. He's right, it really could drive you mad.
That Morrissey was a smart one. He once said, "I do think it's possible to go through life and never fall in love, or find someone who loves you." I believe it too, as much as I don't want to.
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