I'm lonely.
I don't care how much I try to resolve/repair my relationships with my friends, at the end of the day, I'm still lonely.
No matter how many social events I now try to pack into my schedule through this social site, when I come home after it, I'm lonely.
When I try to focus my energy on improving me as a person, my soul, when I'm finished, I'm still lonely.
Focusing on creating a life without depending on a man doesn't make me feel strong, it makes me feel lonely.
I'm really tired. No Mom, not sleepy tired, TIRED as in exhausted, done, finished, I said NO MORE! I'm tired of spending all of my time at home in my apartment alone. I'm tired of going to bed alone, waking up alone. I'm tired of making all of my own meals, being the only one who cleans, does all of the grocery shopping, of never going out to eat because I have nobody to go with. I'm tired of not caring what I look like because really who am I trying to impress? I'm tired of never being able to go on vacation because I have no one to go with. I'm tired of celibacy. I'm tired of hoping my future will someday change, but feeling like it never will. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of pity. I'm tired of telling people or the IRS that I'm single. I'm SO TIRED of this! There should be an unspoken universal statute of limitations on how long someone can feel this way. Maybe 15 years? That would work perfect for me. I'm ready for this to end.
I'm turning 28 in two days, which might be spurring these feelings or it might just be another Saturday when I'm stuck at home alone with no plans, but I think this is just me, writing because I'm tired (the sleepy kind) and because I'm just fucking tired.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Finding peace
I met A last night for dinner. I initiated it, I really felt like I needed to get stuff off my chest and let her know how I was feeling. We chit chatted for a while, catching up on stuff, but I never felt like there was a good segway to say what I wanted to say. We paid the check and it felt like we were going to leave, but I realized that I asked her here for a reason and that I shouldn't waste an opportunity like this.
So I began by bringing up how I met with K and how that went and eventually got in deep with how I felt like she was blowing me off for her bf or at least feeling like he was more important than me. She, like D, didn't even remember the night I thought she blew me off. She was so surprised that I remembered it and held onto it for so long. She admitted that yeah, maybe she was spending a lot of time with him because it was so new for her. She did say she had no excuse for being rushed the morning after I lost it and I told her how it hurt when she said why she was late. She did say that it was extremely insensitive of her. The thing I thought was weird though, was that she never said "I'm sorry." Maybe by admitting her actions it was an apology in and of itself, but I just thought that was weird.
Whatever, at least now I know that she knows. And I'm not saying that I don't resent her anymore or that I'm not still jealous of having what she has, but at the same time, I don't feel like she's that close of a friend anymore, so I feel like I don't care as much as I once did.
Speaking of my meeting with K, I have to say, it might have been one of the most constructive talks I've ever had with anyone. I literally spilled my guts, laid it all on the table, and was willing at that point to either try and repair our friendship or walk away saying "we had a good run for a while, but sometimes good things come to an end." I told her how I felt like she used me to do certain things and how I felt ignored when she went out with other groups of friends and didn't invite me along. I told her how I felt like she sometimes would talk down to me. I did this all with tact and in my "feelings" way that I learned in my class, stressing how "when this happens, or when you say this, or when you do this, this is how I feel," regardless of what you meant to do or say, and regardless of what the actual reality was. So, she listened and she let me know some things that she was unhappy with me about, which I obviously had no idea she was feeling.
In the end, I apologized for things I was unaware of, she apologized for things she was unaware she was doing and we both (I hope) felt better about the situation. I hope that I can move forward with everyone in a new way, not relying so much on them to be the people I hoped they would be, but just let them be the friends that they can be and accept that.
So I began by bringing up how I met with K and how that went and eventually got in deep with how I felt like she was blowing me off for her bf or at least feeling like he was more important than me. She, like D, didn't even remember the night I thought she blew me off. She was so surprised that I remembered it and held onto it for so long. She admitted that yeah, maybe she was spending a lot of time with him because it was so new for her. She did say she had no excuse for being rushed the morning after I lost it and I told her how it hurt when she said why she was late. She did say that it was extremely insensitive of her. The thing I thought was weird though, was that she never said "I'm sorry." Maybe by admitting her actions it was an apology in and of itself, but I just thought that was weird.
Whatever, at least now I know that she knows. And I'm not saying that I don't resent her anymore or that I'm not still jealous of having what she has, but at the same time, I don't feel like she's that close of a friend anymore, so I feel like I don't care as much as I once did.
Speaking of my meeting with K, I have to say, it might have been one of the most constructive talks I've ever had with anyone. I literally spilled my guts, laid it all on the table, and was willing at that point to either try and repair our friendship or walk away saying "we had a good run for a while, but sometimes good things come to an end." I told her how I felt like she used me to do certain things and how I felt ignored when she went out with other groups of friends and didn't invite me along. I told her how I felt like she sometimes would talk down to me. I did this all with tact and in my "feelings" way that I learned in my class, stressing how "when this happens, or when you say this, or when you do this, this is how I feel," regardless of what you meant to do or say, and regardless of what the actual reality was. So, she listened and she let me know some things that she was unhappy with me about, which I obviously had no idea she was feeling.
In the end, I apologized for things I was unaware of, she apologized for things she was unaware she was doing and we both (I hope) felt better about the situation. I hope that I can move forward with everyone in a new way, not relying so much on them to be the people I hoped they would be, but just let them be the friends that they can be and accept that.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Enough already!
So I went to a lunch/bridal shower today for a coworker who's getting married in about two weeks. First of all, the couple sickens me. They are so frickin beautiful it's ridiculous. My coworker is like 5'10" and model skinny and model beautiful and her bf is blond, gorgeous and to top it off has this crazy WASPy American name. At our department cookout a couple weeks ago they were playing croquet (I don't know who brought it) and they looked like they were right out of a J.Crew ad, no, Ralph Lauren. Barf.
Second of all, I'm really getting sick of all this single-spotlight bullshit. We were there not twenty minutes when our director starts with "Ok, who's going to be next? You're single, you, you, etc." I wanted to crawl under the table and die.
My 40 yr old single coworker was sitting next to me telling my about her bad blind date from Sunday, which provoked the guy sitting next to me (about my age) to ask me if I had a bf. I said no. He went on to tell me he just broke up with his gf, but met someone new on match. "You should try it." "Yeah, I did." I replied. "Oh." He said with a look of such pity that I wanted to run out of the restuarant screaming.
Second of all, I'm really getting sick of all this single-spotlight bullshit. We were there not twenty minutes when our director starts with "Ok, who's going to be next? You're single, you, you, etc." I wanted to crawl under the table and die.
My 40 yr old single coworker was sitting next to me telling my about her bad blind date from Sunday, which provoked the guy sitting next to me (about my age) to ask me if I had a bf. I said no. He went on to tell me he just broke up with his gf, but met someone new on match. "You should try it." "Yeah, I did." I replied. "Oh." He said with a look of such pity that I wanted to run out of the restuarant screaming.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Highs and lows, the ebb and flow
So like last week was busy, this week was incredibly slow. All my plans either fell through or I backed out of. I didn't got to the info session Tuesday, A backed out of dinner on Wednesday (she said she had to work late, and why can't I help but think she ditched me for something else, something better?), and then I totally backed out of the happy hour thing on Thursday. I was so tired, this week has been crazy at work.
By the end of the week, though, I was itching to get out, to do something, anything. I even got all Secret-y and envisioned getting back from a meeting and hearing a text or voicemail or checking my email and seeing someone ask me to do something. A little bit ambitious, I know, since I'm only at the start of the mend of my old friendships and it's not like I know anyone else. Big surprise, "You have no new messages."
Today was absolutely beautiful out and again I hoped someone somewhere would ask me to do something. Nothing. I ended up cleaning my entire apartment, which, don't get me wrong, is something I get great satisfaction from, but it's not exactly the same, ya know. I guess there's always the option of me asking them, but I think I don't feel confident enough to do that yet. After last week of asking to see everyone of my friends (except B) I feel like I'm moving too fast. Man, that sounds stupid, but it's just how I feel about the situation right now. B is a totally different story...but more on that later.
Anyways, I need to do more. I thought about just taking a book and myself to the Common to read, just to get out of the house. Somehow, it just seems like it takes so much effort.
I had lunch with two coworkers yesterday, one of whom was the one who openly talked about joining eharmony. She asked me if I'd done match, in front of the other coworker, which I thought was a little rude. What if I didn't feel comfortable talking about that? Whatever. Anyway, we were talking and she kept saying that I was so much like her, only younger. She's 40 and still single. Man, that scared me. What if I am just like her? What if that is me in 10 years? She's successful in her career and was engaged a long time ago and said she doesn't regret not getting married. Is she happy now though? That I don't know. I'm not so sure she is.
I just want my life to change. I know I keep beating a dead horse here, but I just want my life to be fun and exciting with friends to go out with and a man to come home to. I feel like lately I keep hearing that you have the love life you want or that if you want to be in love, you will be. Yeah, very Secret-ish. I feel like I've wanted it for so long though. Could I be lying to myself? Do I actually enjoy being by myself, moping, crying, longing for a man? I don't know anyone who would want those things. Sucky thing is lately I can't stop thinking about T. I'm sure it's just because I had lunch with him two weeks ago and then I saw him Wednesday at another seminar thingy at work. It was working better before when I didn't see him for like six months. Out of sight, out of mind type of thing.
I actually wouldn't mind a new distraction, even if he was well out of my reach. At least I could get my mind off T, who is a lost cause. I definitely need more distractions, men or otherwise, to get my mind off the loneliness, the boredom. I'm not sure which is more painful.
By the end of the week, though, I was itching to get out, to do something, anything. I even got all Secret-y and envisioned getting back from a meeting and hearing a text or voicemail or checking my email and seeing someone ask me to do something. A little bit ambitious, I know, since I'm only at the start of the mend of my old friendships and it's not like I know anyone else. Big surprise, "You have no new messages."
Today was absolutely beautiful out and again I hoped someone somewhere would ask me to do something. Nothing. I ended up cleaning my entire apartment, which, don't get me wrong, is something I get great satisfaction from, but it's not exactly the same, ya know. I guess there's always the option of me asking them, but I think I don't feel confident enough to do that yet. After last week of asking to see everyone of my friends (except B) I feel like I'm moving too fast. Man, that sounds stupid, but it's just how I feel about the situation right now. B is a totally different story...but more on that later.
Anyways, I need to do more. I thought about just taking a book and myself to the Common to read, just to get out of the house. Somehow, it just seems like it takes so much effort.
I had lunch with two coworkers yesterday, one of whom was the one who openly talked about joining eharmony. She asked me if I'd done match, in front of the other coworker, which I thought was a little rude. What if I didn't feel comfortable talking about that? Whatever. Anyway, we were talking and she kept saying that I was so much like her, only younger. She's 40 and still single. Man, that scared me. What if I am just like her? What if that is me in 10 years? She's successful in her career and was engaged a long time ago and said she doesn't regret not getting married. Is she happy now though? That I don't know. I'm not so sure she is.
I just want my life to change. I know I keep beating a dead horse here, but I just want my life to be fun and exciting with friends to go out with and a man to come home to. I feel like lately I keep hearing that you have the love life you want or that if you want to be in love, you will be. Yeah, very Secret-ish. I feel like I've wanted it for so long though. Could I be lying to myself? Do I actually enjoy being by myself, moping, crying, longing for a man? I don't know anyone who would want those things. Sucky thing is lately I can't stop thinking about T. I'm sure it's just because I had lunch with him two weeks ago and then I saw him Wednesday at another seminar thingy at work. It was working better before when I didn't see him for like six months. Out of sight, out of mind type of thing.
I actually wouldn't mind a new distraction, even if he was well out of my reach. At least I could get my mind off T, who is a lost cause. I definitely need more distractions, men or otherwise, to get my mind off the loneliness, the boredom. I'm not sure which is more painful.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The short version...almost.
So much to blog, yet so tired. I think this past week has been a turning point for me. I went home for the weekend to see J (a friend from high school who now lives in Korea with her Air Force husband) and I just got back, so here's the short version. I'll prolly expand later.
I met K on Wednesday night. Cleared a ton of air. I feel WAY better after getting all that shit off my chest. Seriously, the book from my 8/9 post helped so much. Thursday I went to the bar and actually had a lot of fun. I met a lot of nice people that were way more normal than the Monday night people. I emailed M to see if maybe on my way home this weekend I could stop and see her, but then found out she was away on vacation. She called me Friday afternoon to say she was away and didn't want to think I was ignoring her. It actually felt ok to talk to her. Then, Friday night, I met D aka Miss Oblivious for dinner. I had intended to talk to her about how I feel like she's so self-absorbed, but I took advice from my therapist and decided to lower my expectations of her as a close friend and realized that even though she's fun to hang out with, she'll prolly never be a super close friend I can depend on in that way. I also emailed C to say hello and see if maybe I could visit her in the midwest. She hasn't replied, but I think she was away at a wedding.
I still want to talk to A about how I feel like she was blowing me off for her bf, which D actually mentioned she felt like A was doing to her. So, at least I don't feel alone in that respect. I think I really need to let go seeing A as such a close friend, because as much as I had in common with her before, that's gone now. Plus, I feel like she changed a lot since she started dating her bf, and maybe she can't be that close friend to me anymore. It sucks because, in my mind, I lost a close friend, but if her decision is to spend the majority of her time with her bf and put him before anyone else in her life, then I don't need someone like that constantly disappointing me and I will choose other people to be close with who won't treat me like that.
I know that this doesn't sound like me at all haha, but I'm slightly more optimistic about the future of my relationships with my friends than I was a week ago. I feel like a big part of why I felt so alone and resentful was because I was harboring all of these negative feelings towards them that they didn't know about. I don't think it'll resolve my feelings of jealousy and bitterness, but I do think it'll help me talk to them more effectively about what's going on as opposed to just shutting them out. Plus, being able to almost rearrange the so-called org chart of my group of friends really helps put things in perspective.
That being said, I'm still going to continue to look for more friends, guys and girls, who I feel like I might have more in common with, or who will be around more often to satisfy the level of socialization that I want.
So this week will be almost as crazy with going to an info session on Tuesday about taking continuing ed classes at work, arranging to meet with A possibly Wednesday or Friday, and going to the happy hour event on Thursday. I'm exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, I actually feel good.
I met K on Wednesday night. Cleared a ton of air. I feel WAY better after getting all that shit off my chest. Seriously, the book from my 8/9 post helped so much. Thursday I went to the bar and actually had a lot of fun. I met a lot of nice people that were way more normal than the Monday night people. I emailed M to see if maybe on my way home this weekend I could stop and see her, but then found out she was away on vacation. She called me Friday afternoon to say she was away and didn't want to think I was ignoring her. It actually felt ok to talk to her. Then, Friday night, I met D aka Miss Oblivious for dinner. I had intended to talk to her about how I feel like she's so self-absorbed, but I took advice from my therapist and decided to lower my expectations of her as a close friend and realized that even though she's fun to hang out with, she'll prolly never be a super close friend I can depend on in that way. I also emailed C to say hello and see if maybe I could visit her in the midwest. She hasn't replied, but I think she was away at a wedding.
I still want to talk to A about how I feel like she was blowing me off for her bf, which D actually mentioned she felt like A was doing to her. So, at least I don't feel alone in that respect. I think I really need to let go seeing A as such a close friend, because as much as I had in common with her before, that's gone now. Plus, I feel like she changed a lot since she started dating her bf, and maybe she can't be that close friend to me anymore. It sucks because, in my mind, I lost a close friend, but if her decision is to spend the majority of her time with her bf and put him before anyone else in her life, then I don't need someone like that constantly disappointing me and I will choose other people to be close with who won't treat me like that.
I know that this doesn't sound like me at all haha, but I'm slightly more optimistic about the future of my relationships with my friends than I was a week ago. I feel like a big part of why I felt so alone and resentful was because I was harboring all of these negative feelings towards them that they didn't know about. I don't think it'll resolve my feelings of jealousy and bitterness, but I do think it'll help me talk to them more effectively about what's going on as opposed to just shutting them out. Plus, being able to almost rearrange the so-called org chart of my group of friends really helps put things in perspective.
That being said, I'm still going to continue to look for more friends, guys and girls, who I feel like I might have more in common with, or who will be around more often to satisfy the level of socialization that I want.
So this week will be almost as crazy with going to an info session on Tuesday about taking continuing ed classes at work, arranging to meet with A possibly Wednesday or Friday, and going to the happy hour event on Thursday. I'm exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, I actually feel good.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Feeling weak
So I went to the Princess Bride quote along last night and I have to admit it was kinda fun, mostly because I love the movie and loved shouting out the lines and waving my inflatable sword at the screen. But, there were lots of dorks there, lots of dorks. I have nothing against dorks, on some levels I consider myself a dork, I even find slightly dorky guys incredibly hot, but these guys were hard core. I just don't think they're the type of people I think I could connect with on a deeper level.
So K emailed me back and we're going to meet tomorrow night. I'm so anxious about it, because I know it probably won't go well, but I figure I should just do it and then I really won't have to always wonder if I could've done something. D aka Miss Oblivious sent me a text message after B's bbq and said she missed my company, which I thought was a weird sentiment, but I haven't seen her since October, so I asked her to meet me next friday. I don't know what it is, if I'm just missing people who know me and know my past instead of having to always deal with people I can't open up to.
I don't know if it'll make anything better or worse. I know I still have some things to say to A that I never told her in January that I still think about, so obviously, they're still bugging me. I remember last May she invited me to go to this bar with her and D. I said yeah, and was really excited about it. I even joked "maybe you can help me find a boyfriend" although, there was definitely a ton of truth in that comment. Anyways, later in the day, she emailed me and said plans fell through and they weren't going anymore. Then she said, "But I'm going to a party with my bf in [name of obscure town out in the boonies], wanna come?" I felt so hurt and blown off. If D bailed, why couldn't the two of us just go? It made it seem like she was choosing her bf over me. And it hurt since I specifically made that comment too. I don't know. I still think about that. Plus. The morning after losing my V, which was a pretty horrible experience, she came to drop off my cell phone to me and proceeded to say sorry she was late, she was just having sex with her bf for two hours. Thanks. 1. TMI 2. Maybe you didn't know that it was horrible, but I mean come on, it was a pretty big event for me, she didn't even ask me about it. I just felt again, her bf seemed more important to her than me. Am I overreacting here?
Anyways, I still have tons of resentment and I feel like most of it is directed towards her. I don't know if it's a competitive thing because we were both in the same spot for so long and she "won" and i "lost." And it's not even one of those three month relationships either. They've been together now for 2 years and I'm pretty sure they'll get married. I don't know, for some reason, I feel like the sex thing has really come
between us. There's this My S0-Called Life quote that hits home for me:
Angela: [voiceover] There's this dividing line, between girls who've had sex, and girls who haven't, and all of a sudden, we realized that we were looking at each other across it.
It's just weird, I think about how many times they've probably done it, probably more times than they can count. And now, to them, it's nothing. And to me, it's still this big thing that makes me feel like a freak. This article really freaked me out. It just reaffirms my biggest anxieties about men and sex. Ugh.
I'm getting off track here. Anyways, I did sign up to go to two more events with two different groups. One is this Thursday at a bar and the other one is next a happy hour event next Thursday at a different bar. I figure if it involves drinking beer, it can't be all that horrible. We'll see. I feel like I do need to get out more. I miss it. I miss drinking. I know that sounds very alcoholic of me, but I'm really not. I more miss just the social aspect of it all and how I can socialize better when I've had a beer or two. I miss flirting with guys, even if they don't ask for me number or it goes nowhere. I miss having things to tell people when they ask me what I did over the weekend.
I know they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I feel like loneliness is making me weaker.
So K emailed me back and we're going to meet tomorrow night. I'm so anxious about it, because I know it probably won't go well, but I figure I should just do it and then I really won't have to always wonder if I could've done something. D aka Miss Oblivious sent me a text message after B's bbq and said she missed my company, which I thought was a weird sentiment, but I haven't seen her since October, so I asked her to meet me next friday. I don't know what it is, if I'm just missing people who know me and know my past instead of having to always deal with people I can't open up to.
I don't know if it'll make anything better or worse. I know I still have some things to say to A that I never told her in January that I still think about, so obviously, they're still bugging me. I remember last May she invited me to go to this bar with her and D. I said yeah, and was really excited about it. I even joked "maybe you can help me find a boyfriend" although, there was definitely a ton of truth in that comment. Anyways, later in the day, she emailed me and said plans fell through and they weren't going anymore. Then she said, "But I'm going to a party with my bf in [name of obscure town out in the boonies], wanna come?" I felt so hurt and blown off. If D bailed, why couldn't the two of us just go? It made it seem like she was choosing her bf over me. And it hurt since I specifically made that comment too. I don't know. I still think about that. Plus. The morning after losing my V, which was a pretty horrible experience, she came to drop off my cell phone to me and proceeded to say sorry she was late, she was just having sex with her bf for two hours. Thanks. 1. TMI 2. Maybe you didn't know that it was horrible, but I mean come on, it was a pretty big event for me, she didn't even ask me about it. I just felt again, her bf seemed more important to her than me. Am I overreacting here?
Anyways, I still have tons of resentment and I feel like most of it is directed towards her. I don't know if it's a competitive thing because we were both in the same spot for so long and she "won" and i "lost." And it's not even one of those three month relationships either. They've been together now for 2 years and I'm pretty sure they'll get married. I don't know, for some reason, I feel like the sex thing has really come
between us. There's this My S0-Called Life quote that hits home for me:
Angela: [voiceover] There's this dividing line, between girls who've had sex, and girls who haven't, and all of a sudden, we realized that we were looking at each other across it.
It's just weird, I think about how many times they've probably done it, probably more times than they can count. And now, to them, it's nothing. And to me, it's still this big thing that makes me feel like a freak. This article really freaked me out. It just reaffirms my biggest anxieties about men and sex. Ugh.
I'm getting off track here. Anyways, I did sign up to go to two more events with two different groups. One is this Thursday at a bar and the other one is next a happy hour event next Thursday at a different bar. I figure if it involves drinking beer, it can't be all that horrible. We'll see. I feel like I do need to get out more. I miss it. I miss drinking. I know that sounds very alcoholic of me, but I'm really not. I more miss just the social aspect of it all and how I can socialize better when I've had a beer or two. I miss flirting with guys, even if they don't ask for me number or it goes nowhere. I miss having things to tell people when they ask me what I did over the weekend.
I know they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I feel like loneliness is making me weaker.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Check please?
I just got back from the Cape with my family. What a freaking nightmare. The first night there my sister, her husband, and her two kids were there, both of which screamed the entire first night. The walls were thin. I ended up waking up every morning by like 7:30, which for me, is early if I'm on vacation. It was so stressful. Whining kids and everything revolving around naps and baths. They left Tuesday. Wednesday it was just me and my parents and it was so quiet and relaxing...for a day. But then my brother, his wife, and their two kids came on Wednesday. More whining kids, sleepless nights, and poopy diapers.
I'm so glad I don't have kids right now. I need a vacation.
So, since I hate my coworker, I decided to take a class at work about having difficult conversations. In preparation for the class, they sent me this book. While I was reading it, I realized that it actually might help me when I finally talk to K. I had put it off and tried not to think about it on vacation, but it was hard not to because everything they talked about I could apply to my situation with her. So I emailed her and asked to meet her. She hasn't written back yet.
So, I joined eharmony and I have to say, I'm a little disappointed already. I just started reading this blog and even though there was this guy who sounded like a jerk in one of the comments, he said that everyone who was commenting should lower their standards and have more open minds about people. I know it must seem like I'm stubborn, but some of these matches! Come on! I don't like how you can't search for people like on match, everything is basically up to them. So far everyone is either too short (I have issues with guys shorter than myself), I'm not attracted to them physically, or they're just eh. I know I should give these people a chance, but I know going in, I would be judging them from the getgo. I know myself too well.
I want to try and do more things on my own, get out there and indulge my interests, but I'm really hesitant. There's this Princess Bride (my favorite movie of all time) quote along on that meeting site I belong to that I thought might be fun, but I looked at who was going, and I automatically think: those don't look like people I'd be friends with. How shallow am I? Ugh. I thought about asking A to go with me bc I know she likes that movie. I actually want to talk to her and tell her that I was hurt a couple of times when she bailed on me to hang out with her bf. I don't know if I really want to see her just yet though.
There's also a concert the same night of a band I like. I thought maybe I would go see them and see if there were people there that were like me. Although, I know myself all too well, there's no way I would go up and talk to anyone. I'm just not like that. I don't know what to do.
I did quit my part time job at Hallmark though. That decision came pretty easy. Now I'll have even more time to sit at home and sulk. Yay!
I'm so glad I don't have kids right now. I need a vacation.
So, since I hate my coworker, I decided to take a class at work about having difficult conversations. In preparation for the class, they sent me this book. While I was reading it, I realized that it actually might help me when I finally talk to K. I had put it off and tried not to think about it on vacation, but it was hard not to because everything they talked about I could apply to my situation with her. So I emailed her and asked to meet her. She hasn't written back yet.
So, I joined eharmony and I have to say, I'm a little disappointed already. I just started reading this blog and even though there was this guy who sounded like a jerk in one of the comments, he said that everyone who was commenting should lower their standards and have more open minds about people. I know it must seem like I'm stubborn, but some of these matches! Come on! I don't like how you can't search for people like on match, everything is basically up to them. So far everyone is either too short (I have issues with guys shorter than myself), I'm not attracted to them physically, or they're just eh. I know I should give these people a chance, but I know going in, I would be judging them from the getgo. I know myself too well.
I want to try and do more things on my own, get out there and indulge my interests, but I'm really hesitant. There's this Princess Bride (my favorite movie of all time) quote along on that meeting site I belong to that I thought might be fun, but I looked at who was going, and I automatically think: those don't look like people I'd be friends with. How shallow am I? Ugh. I thought about asking A to go with me bc I know she likes that movie. I actually want to talk to her and tell her that I was hurt a couple of times when she bailed on me to hang out with her bf. I don't know if I really want to see her just yet though.
There's also a concert the same night of a band I like. I thought maybe I would go see them and see if there were people there that were like me. Although, I know myself all too well, there's no way I would go up and talk to anyone. I'm just not like that. I don't know what to do.
I did quit my part time job at Hallmark though. That decision came pretty easy. Now I'll have even more time to sit at home and sulk. Yay!
Friday, August 1, 2008
My eyes hurt
So the past two nights I've come home and just broken down crying. Last night after work, my department went to a pub to say goodbye to one of our admin assistants who was leaving to go to law school full time. I think I've said on here before that I don't like to mix my personal and professional lives, but at the same time, I want to be congenial and not perceived as anti-social or anything, so I went.
I just feel weird talking about personal stuff with people I see everyday. I guess it comes from having an experience with a coworker who just gave TMI all the time, right down to her bf's favorite sex position. Thanks, but I don't want to know that much about you. How can I ever ask you a question without thinking about you in said position? Do I just have a sick mind? Or does no one else have that problem?
Although, I think partly the reason I was upset too was because it was evident that there are certain people (around my age) in the office that hang out outside of work. It's not that I'm jealous of being friends with them, because honestly, I don't feel like we have a lot in common anyway and I find them slightly flaky? That's not the right word, but I just feel like they're just not from the same breed I am, if that makes sense. Like, I feel like with my old friends, I could say anything, even if it was inappropriate and feel comfortable because they know me and can tell if I'm joking or serious or whatever. With these people, I feel like they're so superficially nice and PC and I swear I've never seen any of them gripe about anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just more pessimistic, but come on, sometimes you have to rant? Right? Well, maybe it's not appropriate to do with your "work friends." But who wants friends you can't say what you think in front of them? Ugh, I have to stop griping. I guess I was just jealous of people having friends in general.
Anyways, the only thing that I've been willing to talk with coworkers about is my family, which is mostly complaints about how they're so annoying. Other than that, what am I going to say? I have no friends, no boyfriend, no interests or hobbies, that my life is completely boring and pathetic? No thanks. But inevitably, someone always pries a little. Mostly, it's "do you have a boyfriend?", which I, of course, hate.
I don't even feel like it's that I'm embarrassed to say I don't have a boyfriend, it's more frustration that I've never been able to say "Yes, actually, I do!" I'm so sick of this monotony.
So, I had lunch with T today. I was a little nervous beforehand, but after like two minutes I was fine. Before when I was crushing on him, I was so aware of how I looked and acted and where I put my hands and looking into his eyes. This time, I was less concerned with how I was acting because I know he doesn't want me, so I was more focused on him for a change. It was wierd though, I felt like he was acting wierd. He kept moving his drinks and the bread plate around and shifting in his seat. He made a few flirty comments, but nothing overly flirty. So all these things to an outside person would maybe make you believe that maybe he's interested, but I know he isn't. Then, it felt more like he was uncomfortable just being there because he kept trying to fill space and saying "uh, what else..." Like he was struggling to make conversation with me. So on top of him not liking me romantically, now I'm bummed because I don't even think he likes me as a friend, which is something my therapist suggested-getting to know him as a friend and maybe it would lead me to other friends/guys.
So this morning I was still recovering from my misery the night before only to have my mood shot down more at lunchtime. Then, the afternoon was a whirlwind of shit to do at work until I could finally come home and crash. I'm going on vacation next week with my family down to the Cape, but I don't even feel like it's going to be relaxing. At least when I get home from work I can sulk or cry in the privacy of my one bedroom apt, but I have to put on a brave face for a whole week? And I have to deal with little kids crying and whining and getting up at 6am? And I'm supposed to have my period? I have a feeling I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation.
I feel like I've just had it. Like I can't take it anymore. I don't want to live this life. Nobody would want to. Nobody should have to. I actually got accepted to eharmony after just trying the survey again on a whim. I emailed them and the said they would give me a promotion code, since it's so goddamn expensive. I don't know if I even have the energy to date though. I mean, who would want to date me? I'm miserable. I have no friends. I'm bitter. I'm inexperienced. Classic case of what men DON'T want.
I wish I had the guts to end it all.
I just feel weird talking about personal stuff with people I see everyday. I guess it comes from having an experience with a coworker who just gave TMI all the time, right down to her bf's favorite sex position. Thanks, but I don't want to know that much about you. How can I ever ask you a question without thinking about you in said position? Do I just have a sick mind? Or does no one else have that problem?
Although, I think partly the reason I was upset too was because it was evident that there are certain people (around my age) in the office that hang out outside of work. It's not that I'm jealous of being friends with them, because honestly, I don't feel like we have a lot in common anyway and I find them slightly flaky? That's not the right word, but I just feel like they're just not from the same breed I am, if that makes sense. Like, I feel like with my old friends, I could say anything, even if it was inappropriate and feel comfortable because they know me and can tell if I'm joking or serious or whatever. With these people, I feel like they're so superficially nice and PC and I swear I've never seen any of them gripe about anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just more pessimistic, but come on, sometimes you have to rant? Right? Well, maybe it's not appropriate to do with your "work friends." But who wants friends you can't say what you think in front of them? Ugh, I have to stop griping. I guess I was just jealous of people having friends in general.
Anyways, the only thing that I've been willing to talk with coworkers about is my family, which is mostly complaints about how they're so annoying. Other than that, what am I going to say? I have no friends, no boyfriend, no interests or hobbies, that my life is completely boring and pathetic? No thanks. But inevitably, someone always pries a little. Mostly, it's "do you have a boyfriend?", which I, of course, hate.
I don't even feel like it's that I'm embarrassed to say I don't have a boyfriend, it's more frustration that I've never been able to say "Yes, actually, I do!" I'm so sick of this monotony.
So, I had lunch with T today. I was a little nervous beforehand, but after like two minutes I was fine. Before when I was crushing on him, I was so aware of how I looked and acted and where I put my hands and looking into his eyes. This time, I was less concerned with how I was acting because I know he doesn't want me, so I was more focused on him for a change. It was wierd though, I felt like he was acting wierd. He kept moving his drinks and the bread plate around and shifting in his seat. He made a few flirty comments, but nothing overly flirty. So all these things to an outside person would maybe make you believe that maybe he's interested, but I know he isn't. Then, it felt more like he was uncomfortable just being there because he kept trying to fill space and saying "uh, what else..." Like he was struggling to make conversation with me. So on top of him not liking me romantically, now I'm bummed because I don't even think he likes me as a friend, which is something my therapist suggested-getting to know him as a friend and maybe it would lead me to other friends/guys.
So this morning I was still recovering from my misery the night before only to have my mood shot down more at lunchtime. Then, the afternoon was a whirlwind of shit to do at work until I could finally come home and crash. I'm going on vacation next week with my family down to the Cape, but I don't even feel like it's going to be relaxing. At least when I get home from work I can sulk or cry in the privacy of my one bedroom apt, but I have to put on a brave face for a whole week? And I have to deal with little kids crying and whining and getting up at 6am? And I'm supposed to have my period? I have a feeling I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation.
I feel like I've just had it. Like I can't take it anymore. I don't want to live this life. Nobody would want to. Nobody should have to. I actually got accepted to eharmony after just trying the survey again on a whim. I emailed them and the said they would give me a promotion code, since it's so goddamn expensive. I don't know if I even have the energy to date though. I mean, who would want to date me? I'm miserable. I have no friends. I'm bitter. I'm inexperienced. Classic case of what men DON'T want.
I wish I had the guts to end it all.
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