Enough already!

So I went to a lunch/bridal shower today for a coworker who's getting married in about two weeks. First of all, the couple sickens me. They are so frickin beautiful it's ridiculous. My coworker is like 5'10" and model skinny and model beautiful and her bf is blond, gorgeous and to top it off has this crazy WASPy American name. At our department cookout a couple weeks ago they were playing croquet (I don't know who brought it) and they looked like they were right out of a J.Crew ad, no, Ralph Lauren. Barf.

Second of all, I'm really getting sick of all this single-spotlight bullshit. We were there not twenty minutes when our director starts with "Ok, who's going to be next? You're single, you, you, etc." I wanted to crawl under the table and die.

My 40 yr old single coworker was sitting next to me telling my about her bad blind date from Sunday, which provoked the guy sitting next to me (about my age) to ask me if I had a bf. I said no. He went on to tell me he just broke up with his gf, but met someone new on match. "You should try it." "Yeah, I did." I replied. "Oh." He said with a look of such pity that I wanted to run out of the restuarant screaming.

My eyes hurt

So the past two nights I've come home and just broken down crying. Last night after work, my department went to a pub to say goodbye to one of our admin assistants who was leaving to go to law school full time. I think I've said on here before that I don't like to mix my personal and professional lives, but at the same time, I want to be congenial and not perceived as anti-social or anything, so I went.

I just feel weird talking about personal stuff with people I see everyday. I guess it comes from having an experience with a coworker who just gave TMI all the time, right down to her bf's favorite sex position. Thanks, but I don't want to know that much about you. How can I ever ask you a question without thinking about you in said position? Do I just have a sick mind? Or does no one else have that problem?

Although, I think partly the reason I was upset too was because it was evident that there are certain people (around my age) in the office that hang out outside of work. It's not that I'm jealous of being friends with them, because honestly, I don't feel like we have a lot in common anyway and I find them slightly flaky? That's not the right word, but I just feel like they're just not from the same breed I am, if that makes sense. Like, I feel like with my old friends, I could say anything, even if it was inappropriate and feel comfortable because they know me and can tell if I'm joking or serious or whatever. With these people, I feel like they're so superficially nice and PC and I swear I've never seen any of them gripe about anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just more pessimistic, but come on, sometimes you have to rant? Right? Well, maybe it's not appropriate to do with your "work friends." But who wants friends you can't say what you think in front of them? Ugh, I have to stop griping. I guess I was just jealous of people having friends in general.

Anyways, the only thing that I've been willing to talk with coworkers about is my family, which is mostly complaints about how they're so annoying. Other than that, what am I going to say? I have no friends, no boyfriend, no interests or hobbies, that my life is completely boring and pathetic? No thanks. But inevitably, someone always pries a little. Mostly, it's "do you have a boyfriend?", which I, of course, hate.

I don't even feel like it's that I'm embarrassed to say I don't have a boyfriend, it's more frustration that I've never been able to say "Yes, actually, I do!" I'm so sick of this monotony.

So, I had lunch with T today. I was a little nervous beforehand, but after like two minutes I was fine. Before when I was crushing on him, I was so aware of how I looked and acted and where I put my hands and looking into his eyes. This time, I was less concerned with how I was acting because I know he doesn't want me, so I was more focused on him for a change. It was wierd though, I felt like he was acting wierd. He kept moving his drinks and the bread plate around and shifting in his seat. He made a few flirty comments, but nothing overly flirty. So all these things to an outside person would maybe make you believe that maybe he's interested, but I know he isn't. Then, it felt more like he was uncomfortable just being there because he kept trying to fill space and saying "uh, what else..." Like he was struggling to make conversation with me. So on top of him not liking me romantically, now I'm bummed because I don't even think he likes me as a friend, which is something my therapist suggested-getting to know him as a friend and maybe it would lead me to other friends/guys.

So this morning I was still recovering from my misery the night before only to have my mood shot down more at lunchtime. Then, the afternoon was a whirlwind of shit to do at work until I could finally come home and crash. I'm going on vacation next week with my family down to the Cape, but I don't even feel like it's going to be relaxing. At least when I get home from work I can sulk or cry in the privacy of my one bedroom apt, but I have to put on a brave face for a whole week? And I have to deal with little kids crying and whining and getting up at 6am? And I'm supposed to have my period? I have a feeling I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation.

I feel like I've just had it. Like I can't take it anymore. I don't want to live this life. Nobody would want to. Nobody should have to. I actually got accepted to eharmony after just trying the survey again on a whim. I emailed them and the said they would give me a promotion code, since it's so goddamn expensive. I don't know if I even have the energy to date though. I mean, who would want to date me? I'm miserable. I have no friends. I'm bitter. I'm inexperienced. Classic case of what men DON'T want.

I wish I had the guts to end it all.

Love, Therapy and Ice Cream...not in that order

Man, today is flippin hot outside. Luckily, the president of where I work (here's a hint: it's a prestigious university in Cambridge) threw an ice cream social for all of the employees today, which was much appreciated by all. I indulged, even though I do have the 'tose. I know, masochistic, but who can resist free ice cream?

I wish I had it yesterday though. I ended up leaving work early because I was so hot. My face felt like it was on fire. Usually, when I get that hot and lightheaded, it means I have a fever, but I checked and none. I slept 2.5 hours when I got home, but still felt crummy all night. Luckily, I felt tons better today.

HOWEVER, this little ailment, I'm not sure whether to say unfortunately OR conveniently, fell on the day I was to meet with K and talk about everything that's been going on lately. I had emailed her on her birthday (the 18th) but she said she was away through the weekend. Fine with me, since I was working and seeing my sister for her birthday that weekend. She said she was only free Wednesday night, I had to work Wednesday night. She said she was away for the next weekend, how about Monday? I said fine. Then, I end up feeling not so good, I said how about Tuesday? Well, K (little Miss Social) made plans for Tuesday since we already set a date for Monday and was leaving to go away on Wednesday through July 19th! Like who is she that she has this many plans? Ok, maaaaybbbee I am overreacting seeing as I have NO social life, but come on. Also, I feel like if she really wanted to see me, since we haven't met since December, that she might rearrange some plans so we could talk before she left for 2.5 weeks? Oh well, at least I get to put off that meeting for a while.

So, I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow and I was really planning on having met with K to have stuff to talk about. It's weird. Sometimes, there's an awkward silence in our meetings and I don't know if I should be talking more or what. It feels like when I was a kid in Catholic school and I used to make up sins for confession because I didn't think I "had enough good stuff." I know, twisted. I was lying in confession about sins I didn't commit...there's Catholic guilt for ya. Maybe this time she'll actually have stuff to say to me.

Oh, so the love part of my blog title. Sooo, since I was feeling crappy last night, I inevitably had really weird dreams. One of which I shared with my coworkers. I was propelling myself into space and I was trying to get to the planet Aquarius (?) but I fell asleep and overshot it and landed on Venus. And for some reason, by the laws of motion in space (again, I have no idea) I couldn't figure out how to get back to Aquarius. So my boss makes the remark "Maybe it means you're going to find love soon." I was kind of taken aback and just changed the subject. But I've noticed she makes these kinds of comments frequently, I mean about my love life, or lack thereof, rather. Once, I was telling a student worker that sometimes when I'm running in my neighborhood, drivers will beep at me. I don't know if it's to say "way to go, keep running!" or "hey!" like maybe they think I'm someone I'm not since I don't know anyone in my town. My boss overhears this and says "Maybe they think you're cute." I'm thinking, yeah, cuz I look so hot heaving and sweating my balls off? I remember she made another comment a while ago and it didn't even make any sense? I can't remember the context, but again, she said something like "maybe he thought you were cute." I just ignore it because frankly, it makes me feel awkward, slightly pathetic, and unsure of how to respond.

"What's with today, today?"

Really, what's up with this week? I don't know what's different about this week, but I've been super down. I think Monday set the tone, but it wasn't just that stuff. And I don't even feel like the meetings with my therapist are very helpful. I know people say it helps to talk, and I guess, it sort of does, but it helps more when people offer you solutions or advice to help you get over your problems, which she doesn't do much of. I wish someone, oh I don't know, maybe a fairy godmother, would come along and wave a magic wand and just make everything better.

Mostly, this week I've been lonely, for the male gender, that is. I don't know why now more than lately, because it's not like I'm a stranger to long stretches. I mean, come on now, my life is pretty much one dry spell. To top it off, the last guy I kissed was um, well, someone I'd like to forget altogether.

I don't know what to do. Thinking back, every guy I've ever hooked up with (which thinking about it is pretty gross...that I've only ever hooked up with (and no, that does not mean slept with) guys as a one-time thing that never turned into anything and have never had a real serious relationship) I've met while out with my friends. I feel like I'm trapped. I almost feel a little bi-polar/schizo-ish thinking about it. I want friends, but I can't relate to my friends, but I still care about them, but I feel like crap around them, I want to go out and meet people, but have nobody to go out with, and even if I meet new friends, it's such a pain to start from scratch to get to know people, and then I'd probably experience the same thing with them, they'd move on and get married and leave me behind, again.

It's the same with men too. I want to meet a man, but I don't have friends to go out with to meet a man, even if I met one, I'm honestly scared to death of going through the process. I don't have history to talk about, will they think I'm weird? I'm not what you'd exactly call experienced, and I HATE when guys talk to you in that tone, do you know the tone I'm talking about? You can hear it switch on as soon as you say "I've never done this before" or something to that effect. It's like you can taste the pity. Ugh, who wants to deal with that.

Is there such a thing as an octuplet-edged sword? Cuz I feel like I'm being stabbed everywhere.

Not to EVEN mention work this week. I literally thought I was going to KILL my coworker. She is SO ...I don't even know the words to describe her. She is so fake. She tries to make herself seem so smart to everyone. I seriously think she reads the New Yorker and listens to NPR JUST to shove facts in people's faces and test their knowledge against hers. I think she has some serious self-esteem issues, always trying to one-up me in meetings or counter something I've said.

Friday was the kicker. We were talking about a museum that I've been to but she hasn't. She asked what kind of art it had. And I could literally picture it in my head, but I couldn't remember the name of the genre. She goes "Weren't you an Art History major?" I wanted to say "Aren't you a rude bitch?" Sorry I can't recall something I learned in undergard 10 YEARS AGO. All I said was "Well, I was general Fine Arts and took more studio than Art History."

Then she asked me if I had plans for the weekend. Of course all I could come up with is "I have to work," "Both days?" "No, just Sunday." In my head: "So, no I am not doing anything tonight or Saturday, happy?" My boss later asked me what I was doing this weekend. I said nothing, and I literally saw her brows crease as if looking at me like a pathetic loser.

I am at a loss. To agree with ecrivain, it's crippling. If the man-loneliness doesn't get me, the friend-loneliness will, and if neither of those gets me, the embarassment of the lack of both definitely will be the nail in the coffin. Excuse me while I self-implode.

I have no answers

T actually emailed me back this morning, shocker. He was really nice and mentioned that he and a coworker went to this pub near where we both work that I had told him about. I thought he was being super sweet when he said "we'll have to go there sometime," except I read it wrong and he really said "we'll all have to go there sometime" meaning me and the other people he knows from school. Doh! I bet I won't hear from him for another six months.

I still haven't heard back from C and M about meeting this weekend. Weird. I was telling my sister, I have this weird feeling that M is preggers. She's mentioned a couple times wanting to talk to me in person. She also wanted to meet up with me over Easter weekend, but I had my nephew's birthday party and I had to work, so I honestly couldn't meet her. I mean, I would be totally happy for her if she was pregnant, but at the same time, this is exactly what I've been trying to explain to them. It's only going to push us further away. I have a friend from high school who has a baby and I feel like we are worlds apart now. Whenever we see each other, we always end up talking about the baby. It's like, who are we anymore? Do we keep in touch just because we've known each other so long? For this friend, I know it's because, for some reason, she asked me to be the godmother, which is completely weird considering I'm an atheist, but I digress.

I keep talking about having friends with which I can identify, but now I feel like I'm only fooling myself because, really, the only people I can identify with are bloggers that I don't really know at all. And the only reason I found them is because of the anonymity of blogging and the internet. How are you supposed to find these people in real life? I try to not mention anything about my personal life, or lack thereof, at work simply to avoid being asked questions or have to talk about relationships. Although, I did tell my boss and coworker about T, that was a mistake, since it only made me look like a loser. It's weird. People's love and relationship history is so apparent when you open up that door. Like, I know my coworker C only had one boyfriend before her husband. His name was Fabrizio and every relationship story involves him. Whereas my boss has talked about several different boyfriends from high school all the way up to before she met her husband. I wonder what they must think of me.

BTW: After my online dating subscription ran out, I joined a free dating site....why do I do this to myself? WHYYYYYY?

Damn you Spring!

Today was gorgeous outside. One of my coworkers invited me out for a drink after work with another coworker. It was nice to be outside drinking a cold beer, but at the same time, I was pretty miserable. All I could do was notice how many people were outside enjoying the weather, sitting or walking with friends or significant others...BARF. I usually don't notice this stuff because I always leave work right at 5, hop on the T, and head straight home to my apt. I hate when I have to walk by bar patios and through the city and see people having fun, enjoying life. Even when I did speak to my friends, everyone was usually too busy or lived too far away to meet up like that after work, so this isn't a new feeling, but I am really getting sick of it. The coworker that invited me out (she's 40 and single) was talking about how she was once engaged when she was younger, but that she didn't regret breaking it off because she knew that she would have ultimately been unhappy. I wish I was that strong. I regret almost every decision I've ever made. She mentioned, pretty casually actually, that she was on match.com and was thinking of joining eHarmony. I don't think I could admit to my coworkers that I've done match (twice) and tried eHarmony (got rejected). I feel like people at work don't need to know that much about my love life, or lack thereof. I feel like I would get what I got from all my former friends..pity. If not pity, I feel like people look at you differently when you're not "normal" that way. Maybe it's just my own paranoia.

I thought about emailing T to see how he was doing or maybe seeing if he wanted to meet for a beer. I know that I shouldn't, because really, it's not that I want to see him specifically, I know it's just the loneliness talking and he's the only person I know currently that I could potentially call on to fill this void. Stupid though, because I know he doesn't want me and after said beer(s), I would just get all upset and cry because he (and everyone else) doesn't want me (happened a couple times before, yeah, I know, I don't learn my lesson, I'm seriously masochistic that way). I am in desperate need of that voiceover guy from VH1's Behind the Music to come on the speaker of my life and say "then fate intervened and changed her life forever." I need a change of something.