Damn you Spring!

Today was gorgeous outside. One of my coworkers invited me out for a drink after work with another coworker. It was nice to be outside drinking a cold beer, but at the same time, I was pretty miserable. All I could do was notice how many people were outside enjoying the weather, sitting or walking with friends or significant others...BARF. I usually don't notice this stuff because I always leave work right at 5, hop on the T, and head straight home to my apt. I hate when I have to walk by bar patios and through the city and see people having fun, enjoying life. Even when I did speak to my friends, everyone was usually too busy or lived too far away to meet up like that after work, so this isn't a new feeling, but I am really getting sick of it. The coworker that invited me out (she's 40 and single) was talking about how she was once engaged when she was younger, but that she didn't regret breaking it off because she knew that she would have ultimately been unhappy. I wish I was that strong. I regret almost every decision I've ever made. She mentioned, pretty casually actually, that she was on match.com and was thinking of joining eHarmony. I don't think I could admit to my coworkers that I've done match (twice) and tried eHarmony (got rejected). I feel like people at work don't need to know that much about my love life, or lack thereof. I feel like I would get what I got from all my former friends..pity. If not pity, I feel like people look at you differently when you're not "normal" that way. Maybe it's just my own paranoia.

I thought about emailing T to see how he was doing or maybe seeing if he wanted to meet for a beer. I know that I shouldn't, because really, it's not that I want to see him specifically, I know it's just the loneliness talking and he's the only person I know currently that I could potentially call on to fill this void. Stupid though, because I know he doesn't want me and after said beer(s), I would just get all upset and cry because he (and everyone else) doesn't want me (happened a couple times before, yeah, I know, I don't learn my lesson, I'm seriously masochistic that way). I am in desperate need of that voiceover guy from VH1's Behind the Music to come on the speaker of my life and say "then fate intervened and changed her life forever." I need a change of something.

Poll of one

So, I think I only have one reader right now haha, but I wonder what people think...is it better to be single, alone, and pining after someone who doesn't want you (story of my life thus far) OR is it better to be single, alone, and have nobody in particular in your life at the moment that you're interested in. I haven't been interested in anyone since T. I actually don't really think about him much at all anymore, probably because I don't see him like I did when we were in school together. Before T it was 5 years since I was really into anyone. That stretch was sooo long I swore that I was asexual or something, but at least there were random hookups and makeouts to fill the time. Now, since I don't have friends anymore, I don't go out, and therefore, avoid those shenanigans. It's just so....well, boring. My life is really boring.

Speaking of my "friends," I've been wondering a lot lately what I'm going to do if or when I decide that I do need friends. What if they're not there when I want them back? What if they're like "fuck it, you bailed on us" and that's the end of it. I'm doubting myself if I should have distanced myself from them, if I should have just kept on pretending that I was okay and that I was fine with being the only single one left, the only one that's never been in love or in a relationship. Maybe I should have just sucked it up and dealt with it, like I'm sure everyone else in this world does. What if I become the cat lady....the woman with no friends who lives alone with her cats and calls them her children, because she never married and had kids of her own. Oh my god. I need to stop and go to bed.

Change in life goals

The only thing I used to want growing up was to have a family, that's it. I didn't have some big career in mind, i never needed a nice home, lots of money. I don't care about any of that stuff, I never have. I didn't even want to go to college, I think I just did it to prolong the whole 'working til you're 65' thing. I just wanted to get married and have kids.

Well, I just spent the past week at my sister's house helping her with her newborn and her 2 yr old. I've changed my mind. I do not want children. I don't think I have the patience for them. Maybe I would feel differently about my own children or maybe it's because my nephew is just a typical 2 yr old. I don't know. I just know that I'm exhausted, and have no desire right now to have kids, ever, which works out well, since prospects on finding a husband, scratch that, boyfriend, er, date, wait...a glance in my direction, are pretty slim right now.

On that note, my online dating subscription runs out in 5 days, not that it produced anything promising. I went on one date with a nice guy whose profile said he was 5'9", but was more like 5'6" who I wasn't attracted to at all. Oh well. At least I can say that I tried it..twice. Once you've done the typical bar scene and your "friends" don't have anyone to set you up with and you don't work with any potential guys and you've done the whole online dating thing......then what are you supposed to do????

I need therapy

So I'm sitting around watching tv until I have to go to work and who shows up at my apt unannounced? D. Seriously, what's with people just stopping by? D, otherwise known as Miss Oblivious or Miss Self-Involved, was my roommate in college my senior year (one of seven-crazy). She has always been completely self-involved and never one to know what is going on in anybody else's life. She's really not a great friend that way, but somehow, she is a lot of fun to be around, when she's not with her fat, alcoholic, abusive, red-neck boyfriend. She said she wanted to go grab a beer, because she "really needed it." I told her I had to work and couldn't. Even if I didn't have to work, I probably would have lied. Of course, she was completely oblivious. I mean, I haven't seen or talked to her since Oct. 5th, to be exact, and she has no clue what's been going on with me? Does she not talk to anyone? It totally threw me off and I noticed that when she left I was literally shaking. I do not know what is wrong with me. I should be happy to see these people, my friends, but I have no desire to see them or talk to them, ever. I feel like we'll never go back to the way things were. It's just not possible. I think I need to find a therapist. Honestly, it's not right to feel miserable, jealous, and resentful when you're around happy people. Right?

Reality check

My sister had a baby yesterday. 10lb 5oz and without any drugs. Absolutely crazy. I went to see her today and as I was holding my new nephew I just thought more and more about how much I want to have children of my own one day. The longer I stayed though, the more cranky my 2 year old nephew got and then started to think how I'll never be able to handle a difficult child. By the end of the day, though, all I could think of is how I really never have to worry about a difficult child and should not try to think much about how much I want a family, because I need to find a man first, which is never going to happen. And I'm definitely not going to be one of those women who, after establishing themselves in their career, decide to adopt a child on their own. I can barely take care of my houseplants on my own, I doubt I could raise a child alone. Sigh.

I think I might be slightly psychic. Years ago, I predicted so many things about how my life would be now in terms of my career, my social life, my love life, and they have all oddly come true. I knew I would not find a good job right out of college and end up stuck in some low-paying temp job turned permanent-and what'ya know, I spent 4 years at that stupid place. I knew that my friends would all one day surpass me and we would drift apart because we no longer had anything in common save the fact that we all went to the same college...true. I also predicted I would be single forever..so far, true. Some people say that you determine your own future and maybe by having these thoughts I somehow made them become reality instead of seeing my future positively, oh who the f*ck knows. Anyway, I remember thinking when my brother's first child was born that I am going to be Aunt Jackie from the TV show Roseanne. I'm going to be that aunt that never gets married, that always does fun stuff with you, you know, the "cool" aunt. Don't get me wrong, I would love my niece and nephews to consider me "cool," but I really DO NOT want to be that aunt. Although, I do think Aunt Jackie did end up getting married and having a kid on the show, but lets face it, that was in the last season as a last-chance hope in saving that series. Man, it seems like I'm a real Roseanne fan...I'm totally not. Ugh. How is it possible that such a happy event can make me so sad?