The worse part

So on Monday I emailed T to see if he still wanted to grab drinks this week and he emailed me back on Thursday saying that he might not be able to, long story, but he'd let me know today. Well, sure enough, I haven't hear from him. I went and made other plans.

The kicker to the whole thing with T is that I don't even think I like him that much. I mean, he's okay and I think the reason why I get so into it is because he flirts pretty well. I mean, he does this teasing thing with me that nobody else ever does or ever has done, which is why I think I have these feelings. But they're not even real feelings because he isn't anything that I really want in a guy. It's more just excitement than attraction.

For one, I feel like he is not very considerate. I think that he had his own agenda when we went out two years ago, meaning, he just wanted to sleep with me. He doesn't like the same music I like. Correction, he isn't into music at all. He's one of those people who says he's not really into music, he just isn't moved by it at all....? Total opposite of me. Maybe I could like someone who had different tastes, but to say that music isn't really something that you are passionate about is odd and something I can't relate to. Aside from our profession, we don't really have that much in common. The only thing that I think we do have in common: we're just NOT that into each other. My problem is that I'm so lonely and affection-deprived that I just want something to tide me over.

I think the problem is that there's nobody else. Nobody. I have zero distractions. There's nobody else to think about, get excited about, hope to see on weekends. He's it. That's so sad. I really wish I had options, crushes, anything.

I went out with B on Saturday with some of her coworkers. One coworker brought her friend. She was this dark haired dark eyed and fake tanned girl. I mean I guess she was pretty, but it must've been something else because EVERY guy was hitting on her. Her friend was like, "It's always like this. I don't get it." She attributed it to her bubbly personality.

I mean, I don't think I'm a mute when it comes to guys, but maybe they see me as unapproachable? I can only think of two things that guys would be turned off by: personality or looks. Well, if they don't talk to me, it has to be something else...my looks. Maybe that's why T isn't into me, maybe I'm out of his league. His last girlfriend was like "model" pretty. I should've known.

My friends always tell me that leagues don't exist, but they are in like the top 3 leagues and have never had problems attracting guys. They've never been called ugly to their face. I don't even look at guys if they're too pretty because I know. I know, they know, everybody knows, but nobody wants to tell they're friend..."oh yeah, you're not pretty enough for him." I don't care what people say, we live in a superficial world (and i'm superficial girl...j/k couldn't resist). It just sucks when the major thing you rely on to attract love is one thing that you can't control...unless you go under the knife. More and more I've been feeling like my nose is super big for my face. Of course I would never get a nose job...but only because I couldn't afford it. I would totally do it if I had the money.

Ugh. I wish things would happen for me. Anything to make my life interesting. I feel like I've been going out a lot through friends, coworkers, meetups, friends I've met through meetups...but it's not filling the void. Being busy helps a little, but not when I'm lying in bed wishing I had someone lying next to me or when I've had a bad day or a great day even. I'm always asking the people I go out with how they meet their dates, boyfriends, etc. and they're the usual stories-work, through a friend, a neighbor, an old schoolmate. I've explored those resources and even beyond. It just sucks when you don't get out what you put in.

I feel like I'm just rambling at this point. I'll stop now.

Update

Apparently I texted T that he was a dick, not a jerk, that's worse. Right? Ugh. Shoot me now.

Why I'm still single.

So I was telling a friend about last night and I told her that when I got home last night I sent T a text saying "ur a jerk. so awkward!" about how they planned for me to be alone with big kid. and T texted back today saying "sorry i thought you two hit if off on the dance floor" and I wrote back "are you serious?" Here I am thinking I'm being funny, right?

So my friend was like ehhhh, that might have been a bitchy thing to say. I didn't get it. Hello? Sometimes I am so stupid. Obviously T is friends or at least friendly with this guy and maybe he doesn't see him as completely repelling or not my type, maybe he thinks he's just a good guy and maybe he really did think we hit it off and all he was doing was helping out a friend. Then I go and say are you serious? and pretty much insult T's friend to T's face. My friend was like "what if someone said that about your friend? You'd think it was rude, right?" Right. I apparently do not know how to talk to men. This is probably why I'm still single.

This is a killer.

Okay, so I went to the meetup tonight and I ended up seeing people I knew, so that was good. Although, this one guy was hitting on me, very badly I might add, and he was about two inches shorter than me to boot. He started asking me if I liked reading or watching movies and how many brothers and sisters I had, just really obvious questions that I couldn't deal with, so I left and went to see the band.

Well, since this kid was a mutual friend of T and mine, I knew T might be there and sure enough, he was. So it was kind of awkward at first, but I thought it went okay for a while. So, the kid in the band, glasses boy I'll call him, had his friends and roommates there too, including his one roommate, I'll call him big kid, for obvious reasons. This guy was nice, but big, and just not my style, but he was fun and he liked to dance, so we danced. I don't know why this gave everyone the impression that I liked him, but apparently it did. Can't a girl just dance because she feels like dancing?!

So, I'll admit it, I hit a low point. I know, please don't judge me!!!! I offered T a ride home so he wouldn't have to take a cab or miss the train. You know what that means right? Well, I said I would drive home some other people too, so it didn't seem obvious that I really meant that I would drive T home and that if he so happened to want to invite me to stay over, so be it. I know, I know, I have no self control. WELL, doesn't it end up being just big kid and T and doesn't T take it upon himself to direct me to his house FIRST (I had no idea where I was going) so that I am left in the car alone with big kid having to take him home alone. Awesome.

So big kid says something along the lines of "there was a reason he made you drop him off first" and here I'm thinking it's that T doesn't want to be left alone with me or that he can't stand me...I'm preparing myself for the worst here. No, big kid tells me it's so that he would get a chance with me! I was fucking bullshit. Like I would EVER go for big kid.
Please! Is T so obtuse and am I that fucking opaque that he couldn't see the way I was looking at him or that I was dancing that way with big kid for his benefit?! Why are guys so dumb?!

So then I had to make up a lie and tell big kid that I wasn't seeing anyone, let alone him, no offense, but I also mentioned that T was the last guy I went on a date with and that was two years ago...I hope guys talk like girls and tell each other things. I don't know why I'd want to give T the impression that he's the reason I haven't dated much in two years, cuz really that's kind of pathethic. Anyways, I am so mad and upset right now, and maybe a little tipsy, and maybe a little mad at myself for thinking that maybe I would go home with him and maybe it would be a good thing or at least that I would be okay with it because who are we kidding here, that would prolly fuck me up more than anything right now.

Shit. And I gave the annoying guy at the first bar my email address to update me on future meetups but if he emails me and asks me out or does anything else creepy I swear I'm going to lose it. What the hell? I'm going to bed, I can't even think straight right now, but I knew if I didn't type this now I wouldn't be able to capture in words later exactly how I'm feeling. UGH! slasldfkjlasjdfldsjalsl!

Ok, last one I swear.

So tonight I have plans to go to a meetup, yes alone, because everyone I asked either didn't respond or said they didn't want to go. After the meetup, I might stop in to see this guy I went to school with play in a band...I think I mentioned this all in my last post, anyways, so I was in a meeting for a couple hours this afternoon and when I got back to my desk there was an email from K. Mind you, she was one of the people who I invited to go with me tonight, so she already knew that I had these plans. She asked if I wanted to go to dinner and see a movie (He's just not that into you, which coincidentally is the story of my life, but I digress). She also casually throws in the fact that she has to drop her car off at the dealership, which is located in my town.

So, let me spell it out for you. She emails me with a plan, which seemingly looks like she wants to do something yay! but really she has ulterior motives and wants me to pick her up from the dealership so she doesn't have to take a cab. THEN she even calls me to ask me which train station is closest to the dealership, which none of them really are, but she still doesn't flat out ask me to pick her up because she knows that I have plans and am getting ready, so I don't offer. I mean, come on! It felt so good to turn down her dinner/movie plans. For once I, me, yes I have plans and you don't! Pllllththth (that's me sticking my tongue out in) AND I'm not dropping them to pick you up and have a quiet night because you have a headache. Bullshit...I'm going out tonight!

The end.

Why do I even bother?

So in addition to the incident on Friday night, a while ago I had emailed my friends to see if they would be interested in going on a road trip to Chicago. I was only there once for a very brief time and have been wanting to go back, I think a road trip would be lots of fun and I've never been on one of those either, and I thought on the way, we could stop and see C, who now lives in Ohio.

So I asked the group (6 girls) and two right off the bat said they couldn't, which is fine, I don't expect everyone to be able to go but tell me so I can start planning the trip. Well, one friend, D, who said Yeah! sounds fun! is now saying she can't. She is getting married this fall, so I understand if she will be tight on money and busy planning the wedding and whatnot, but why didn't you tell me before, you've been engaged for a while, you should know that already. Then A says she doesn't know now because she just got offered a job and she doesn't know if they'll let her take time off. She's known she will be getting a job soon.

Oh, I should say that this is a common trend in my group of friends, where if one person says no, they pretty much all say no like a domino effect....I don't know what's up with that, but it's pretty fucking annoying.

I was all prepared for M to say she can't go either, which she hasn't yet, but at this rate, it wouldn't shock me.

Then, today I asked a bunch of the girls if they would want to go to this event for a meetup on Friday and then to see this band that this kid I went to school with, who's a mutual friend of me and T, is playing in. AND I asked them if anyone wanted to go to an anti-valentine's day pub crawl on Saturday as well. Guess what the response was. I don't know why I even bother asking them to do things with me anymore. They almost ALWAYS say no. If they say yes, I actually have to ask again and recheck because I'm so shocked and nervous that they'll cancel on me. Usually the excuse is that they're either broke, busy, or just prefer to stay home. I don't get it. Do people really enjoy sitting home watching TV every single night and weekend? Am I the only one who likes to get out among civilization and do things?

I feel like I'm slipping back into my resentful ways. I sense it at the surface everytime they reply no to one of my invites. What's the point in calling someone a friend if you never see them? I haven't seen D since right after Christmas and I asked her to meet one night for dinner to catch up and to see her new house that she bought. She replied asking if I wouldn't mind waiting til March. Sure, I don't, but it goes to what jo was saying in her post today. If people only meet every 3 months that doesn't mean they're not friends, but perhaps they're not close friends and that's what I was considering these people.

I guess it's what my old therapist was saying, which was that I need to stop getting mad at them for being what they are and accept them for what they can be, accept that they have limitations. I guess it's just hard to realize that the people you thought were your close friends are just friends and that you don't even have any close friends. You don't have anyone close at all.

So, I had a class with this kid who's playing in the band on Friday and I'm friends with him on the SU site, which is where he invited me, well, not just me, almost all of his friends. I figure regardless of how close I am to him, at least it's a way to get out of the house and try and meet people. It's so hard to do though. Meeting people, turning those people into friends and then feeling comfortable enough to consider that friend a close friend is so hard to do at this stage of life. Is it this hard for everyone or is it just me? I feel like everyone is already so settled in their friend groups and that people are usually reluctant to let new people into their lives. I hate that it's this hard.

So anyways, this guy is pretty good friends with T. So, don't ask me why, I emailed T to see if he was planning on going Friday even though I haven't talked to him in MONTHS. He replied that he wasn't sure but that maybe we could meet up for a drink next week. I didn't reply yet. I don't know what I'm doing. I think meeting him wouldn't do me any good, but the thought of seeing someone who once was considered a potential is almost too tempting to pass up. Maybe it's just the Valentine's Day blues I'm experiencing, but then again, maybe it's just life.

Why I hate everyone

So you think hate is a strong word? Well you’re right, it is. I’m not kidding. I truly hate everyone. It’s not over one thing or another. Nothing new has happened really, well, that’s not true, but I’ll get into that later. It’s really more of a realization that I am utterly and truly alone in this world with nothing to console or comfort me besides myself, who doesn’t do a very good job by the way. Other people may have a significant other to go to when they feel alone, sad, frustrated, or angry. Some people might have family that they talk to or spend time with, a close sister or mother perhaps. Other people really connect with their coworkers or they find comfort in working because it is their passion and a place they find relief or satisfaction. Some people have other people looking out for them and have people that do things or go out of their way to help them. I do not have any of these things. I have nothing and no one. I do not have a companion, my family is too wrapped up in their own lives to take the time to invest in mine, my work is just that-work, not a career, and my friends more and more seem like just acquaintances. I am completely alone in this world.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a concert with a friend of a friend. She invited the guy she’s seeing to come too, which I was fine with me because I’ve been out with them before and it wasn’t uncomfortable. He wanted to go to this art gallery beforehand for an opening, so we agreed to go to that first, then the show. Well, at around 3 she emailed me through a social utility (SU) site saying she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t going to go out tonight. I find that so frustrating. I am pretty anal when it comes to times and plans. I hate being late or making people wait for me and I hate when people cancel plans or having to cancel on someone, which I almost never do, even if I don't feel like it anymore or feel bad, I hate letting people down. I woke up early this morning to do my hair and makeup knowing I would be going out straight from work. I could’ve slept a little more if it wasn’t for this person’s cancellation. I could’ve dressed more casually instead of wearing a going-out outfit. I would’ve brought my big work bag with my book to read instead of my small going out purse, but no, I did these things because I trusted this person would follow through. I can already sense that you think I’m psycho. It gets worse, trust me, my psychoness, not the story. I also asked K if she was interested in going last week. She said maybe. I asked her again while we were playing a game on the SU site but she didn’t answer for like an hour while we were playing. Then just by chance, I checked the game today and she wrote “just saw this (yeah right), not in the mood to go out tonight.” Why do I suspect she sent it to me there and not in an email knowing that I wouldn’t be playing the game at work and wouldn’t look til I got home, which I wouldn’t have done until AFTER the show.

I know, you’re thinking I’m really paranoid and that I’m crazy to complain. Seriously though, I swear my life is just a part in everybody else’s play and my play is going bankrupt because the actors never show up, the plot is meaningless and uninteresting and nothing ever goes as planned. That’s honestly how I feel. When people ask me to participate in their lives, I mostly, no, I always agree, eager to spend time with people I care about. When I ask them to participate in mine, it’s either like pulling teeth or always a lame excuse leaving me thinking that they really could give two shits.

I am consuming an entire bottle of wine as soon as humanly possible.