Everything remains the same

Sorry for the disappointment folks. Unlike what most of you probably attribute to my absence from this blog, unfortunately, it has not been because I've found the love of my life and am living in romantic bliss. It's quite the opposite. It's that absolutely nothing has changed and there is nothing of worth to report.

I think last I left this blog, I was getting over the crush of my coworker who turned out to be gay. Well, that was what? 2 years ago? There has not been one, not a single romantic interest in my life since then. Not even the potential for a new friend. Life has been remarkably boring for the past few years with nothing new or exciting to report. I am still at the same job, still in the same condo that I purchased almost 3 years ago, still single, still superbly fucking miserable. Unlike other bloggers, who seem to find success in the online dating circuit or get set up by friends, I have not met a single person. Let me clarify what I mean by "success," I don't mean meeting someone and having that lead to a relationship, I mean just actually getting a hit on your profile from someone who's not over 50, obese, and unattractive. I don't get any responses on my profile. The fact that others not only get responses, but actually get to meet people seems remarkable to me. It's like I have fucking leprosy. I don't get it, which is why I no longer participate in those sites.

On some level though, I don't even think I could handle even getting involved with anyone anymore. It's almost like it's too scary, too terrifying. At this point, it's been almost 7 years since I've even kissed anyone. There's just so much anxiety that comes with trying to explain what the fuck I've been doing with my life since then and why as a 33 year old woman I've only had sex once and don't even remember it, and why I've never been in a relationship at all; it just seems all too overwhelming. And so, a part of me feels like it would just be easier to give up, to bear this loneliness as part of my fate. Even though I don't believe in a god or destiny, part of me feels like I was born to live this life, not that it's my fate, but that it's more of my personality, that it's just who I am. I'm not trying to lay blame on anyone, but the atmosphere in which I grew up was not one that encouraged romantic love. My parents had marital troubles while I was growing up and so I wasn't aware of how a functioning marriage might behave. I also wasn't encouraged by my mother to engage in any kind of normal dating rites that most teenagers experience. I was always told that "boys are bad" and "stay away from boys." I'm not trying to blame my mother here, but it did instill a sense of distrust toward the opposite gender. It made me feel like boys were only after one thing and that they weren't to be trusted. And so, fast forward 20 years and here I am, still terrified of what a guy really wants from me and what he will think of me when I tell him my past.

Since there is and doesn't seem like there will ever be any love updates in the future, I will share that I am looking to sell my condo so that I can buy a house in the Spring. Ugh, living on the first floor of a multi-unit building is the worst! I have always been on the top floor of a building and had never experienced a heavy-footed upstairs neighbor. Holy shit! I feel like I live underneath an elephant! And my upstairs neighbor has 3 cats and a dog, who barks any time the cats chase each other, which is, all the time! F*ing A. I cannot wait to have my own space, at which point, I'll hopefully get a dog of my own, but who knows. At the current moment I'm on hiatus because it seems that every dog rescue in New England doesn't want a single woman who works full time to have a dog. I don't know what it is about these dog rescue places, but they need to get off their high horses. Yes, I work full time, and no I don't have a fully fenced in yard, but I will love the f*ing shit out of this dog, and just because someone is home full time with kids doesn't mean that the dog is going to get their full attention, it could in fact be just the opposite! Kids take priority over pets most often. Whereas, I don't have any kids and can give a pet my full attention, but NOOOOO, I must be a selfish fucking asshole if I'm a single person living in a city. I can't possibly take a dog on walks or to the dog park, but a person who has kids and a doggy door who never walks the dog must be a perfect pet parent.

It's almost worse than being rejected by a man, because it's not even like the pet itself is coming up to meet me and then turning its nose at me, it's someone who's rejecting me on their behalf. You don't know me! You don't know what kind of pet parent I would be! Tons of fucktard people have kids every day without their kids asking if they want them as parents, but that's perfectly fine, nobody questions that. Reverse it and it's like I'm the devil because I don't have a fully fenced yard or other dogs in my home.

I'm really just ranting because I'm having a bad week, I'm slightly, or maybe really, intoxicated, and I just need a venue to spew my grievances. Plus, I've complained about my life to so many people so many times that at this point I can't even garner any sympathy from anyone anymore. They've heard it all before, depending on who they are, for 5, 10, even 15 years now. My college friends don't even know what to say to me anymore. They can't even offer that crappy advice, which I'm not complaining about because, quite frankly, it is super depressing. If I hear "you'll meet someone" one more fucking time.... My friend K told me on my last birthday as we met for coffee, "I honestly don't know why you haven't met anyone, I really can't figure it out." And although I appreciated her honesty, it hurt all the same for some reason. Maybe because of the truth in it. It's often when I hear the truth in other people's advice or statements and not some bullshit "there's fish in the sea" crap that I get sad. I think it's because that means it's real. It's real, not just in my mind, but in theirs too. They see it, the injustice, how it's not fair that they, and everyone we know, has found love, and yet I remain alone, just me, and nobody else.

And so, I depart tonight utterly hopeless. My internal mantra as I fall asleep every night remains the same, "things will only get worse, they'll never get better." And it's only for the sake of my loved ones that I don't end it all now. I've never had the guts to do it or do it to them. And so, I resolve to go on, each boring day after boring day, with disappointment and nothingness. It's what, just another 60 or so years, I guess I can handle it. I wouldn't be the first.

Feeling overwhelmed

These stupid rainy weekends always put me in a more depressed mood than usual. Today I've been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. So beware, this is sort of a bitchfest.

After months of struggling with the decision to divorce my father, my mother decided to put the divorce on hold after my father *promised* to go to AA and work on his addiction. This news should make me happy, but in fact it actually upsets me more.

I've seen all of what she has had to endure emotionally, psychologically, and physically that I just don't want her to go through any more. I've also seen his pattern of saying it'll get better and that he wants to work it out and then disappointing her. I have a feeling that his latest attempt at reconciliation is under false pretenses. I think he's either lonely now that the holiday season is approaching, he's missing his grandkids he's not allowed to see and thinks repairing the marriage will rectify that, or he's just plain tired of cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes and dishes and wants her to do it for him again.

Even though I am his daughter and I am connected to the situation, I think growing up I definitely saw things through different eyes than my mother. I wasn't married to him and I didn't have to stay with him and live with him forever. After high school it was only summers in college that I had to endure his behavior and his verbal abuse to my mom. I feel like I developed a more objective view of their relationship because he really was never a dad to me, just someone who happened to be my father.

It's funny that as a person who's never had a real relationship I feel as though I have a good idea of what a healthy one should be. It probably is the reason I am so picky with who I want to be with, which I think I've written about previously.

With all of this going on, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it or someone to get my mind off of it and cheer me up. I know I can call my friends, but they have their own stuff going on and sometimes it's random times during the day that I wish I could talk to a best friend, have them give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. That guy from The Wedding Singer was right, that's all I really want.

I hate that everything I want is so unattainable to me-love, a house, a normal family. I know everyone's family is not "normal" but I wish that I was actually able to envision a wedding for myself, but I can't. My father wouldn't be in the picture. We don't talk to half my family because of family fights. There's a couple "bad sheep," one of which is currently in jail. I think there would be less than 10 people on my side there. We can barely have any normal family functions. This Thanksgiving is a good example. My brother invited my dad (he still talks to him for some reason which I cannot understand), he didn't end up going, but he didn't even invite me (single and all alone!) or my sister and her family. So my brother and sister each spent the holiday alone. So weird. I ended up going with my mom to my grandparents house and my neurotic aunt and my 35 yr old cousin, who my grandparents and aunt still support, were there! Hello, you're 35, grow up!

I can't afford a home because I don't make a lot in my profession and probably never will so owning without the help of someone else (and I cannot handle a roommate at this point in my life) is out of the question. I'm beginning to hate this stupid apartment. My downstairs neighbor plays his bass SO loud, it's ridiculous. I told him to lower it the day he moved in, but I still hear it every day. Last night I was so upset I stomped on the floor out of frustration. I hate that it's come to that. I can't even get a dog here, which I'd love to have for company and some love in my life.

I think my friends think that I should go to therapy for everything that I'm feeling, but I've tried that and I don't feel like it really helped. Besides, a therapist can't repair my family for me, they wouldn't be able to buy me a home, and I don't think it's in their job description to find me a date. I understand that a therapist would help you deal with you problems and maybe accept your life as it is, be thankful for what you do have. But why would I want to accept and be happy with this life? Isn't it everyone's dream to find love and happiness? Why would I want to accept a life of loneliness? I am thankful for what I do have and know that some people have much less than I do, materialistically that is, but there are some people who have so much less but at the same time have so much more than I do, emotionally that is. I think I'd give up everything I have to love someone who'd love me back.

Why do I even bother?

So, my mom did not have a second heart attack, which is great news, although, there is still a very long road ahead of her. I just hope that it doesn't affect her physically again like that, so scary. She called me Friday night so upset. I was out with K and got a voicemail. I feel horrible being so far away from her while she's going through this and also not knowing what to say to her either.

Friday, I met up with K and her fiance on a pub crawl that her coworkers had organized. People, my friends mostly, wonder why I'm so pessimistic about finding someone and don't understand why I think I'll ultimately end up alone. Friday night was the perfect example of my reasoning. Upon being introduced to two guys that showed up, they not only gave me the most uninterested look, they immediately walked away and talked to other people. Maybe they were attached, maybe they were gay, but usually, nay always, this is the reaction I get from men-disinterest.

Later, I was talking to K and this one guy and realized he grew up a town over from me. I'm a little older and couldn't name anyone he knew, but still, he made no attempt to even talk about this commonality. Rather, he was totally distracted texting on his phone. If, however, I was attractive, how much do you want to bet that there would be endless things to sprout from that one fact. I was going to go on to a party with K and her fiance but at the last minute decided to just go home.

It was just one of those nights where you feel like "why do I even bother?" Why do I bother putting on makeup and straightening my hair and picking out a cute outfit when I'm going to be totally ignored by the exact people I am trying to impress. It doesn't even make me feel better to do those things. On What Not to Wear they're always saying you should dress and take care of your appearance to make yourself feel better, but honestly, it just makes me feel like I'm living a lie, like I'm trying to fit in and it's not even working. It really bothers me that all of my friends don't even need to wear makeup or do their hair to look good, they're pretty naturally. And me, I look like a haggard without makeup or done hair.

I had a horrible Saturday. It was dark and rainy all day, thanks Ida, and I just felt awful. I just don't know why I try to trick myself into believing that it'll happen eventually, when I, of all people, know deep down that it won't. Every day I feel like I'm looking older and looking worse than when I was younger. My eyes are so sunken in and baggy and I'm getting random white hairs. Maybe I should just embrace my age and looks and say "fuck it." What would it even matter?

I guess the reason I'm posting today is that A just got engaged. So, out of all my friends that live on the east coast I am the only single one, the only one who is not married or not engaged. Still gets me every time.

Every little thing is making me feel less and less close to my friends. Wedding stuff, buying houses, starting families, dealing with in-laws. It's all just so foreign to me. I can tell that they grasp at straws to talk about things too, because I have nothing going on, except my parents, which isn't something I necessarily want to talk about all the time. I know that when we all get together at xmas, they're all going to want to talk about wedding crap. Joy.

"So, why aren't you married?"

This past weekend I went to my friend D's wedding. I was actually kind of surprised there was no drama. We all hate her husband and her mother-in-law is a certified nut job. It was actually a really fun wedding...

...ya know, except for a few key moments. Oh come on, how could a 30-year old single lady have absolutely nothing to complain about going to a wedding. So, I shared a room with my other only single friend C who was in the wedding, and my friend M and her husband. So I went with them to the church. Well, they scooted into a pew with my friend B and her husband and this guy I went to college with and his wife. (Note: couple, couple, couple). So I had to sit in the pew in front of them with this other girl from college and her husband. Then K showed up with her fiance and sat on the other side of them. (Note: couple, couple, Me). I look up a few pews and I see A's sister and her fiance, and another college friend and her husband and A's boyfriend (A was also in the wedding.) So it was awesome to be the only one who needed an usher to take her to her seat. Good times.

The wedding was a full mass which is kind of annoying, and I'm not just saying that because I'm atheist, I just think it just delays the onset of cocktail hour at the reception. It was surprisingly short, but when they go to the part where they say "for all the sick, blah blah blah" and then everyone's supposed to say "pray for us" or something, I can't remember the exact wording, it's been a while. Anyways, the priest goes, "for all the married couples, may their love continue blah blah blah" whatever it was, but he didn't mention the single ladies HELLO! How about "for all the single people out there, that they may find true love and happiness" No, nobody in that church prayed for me. We singletons get ignored. Thanks.

So, we get to the reception and are having drinks during the cocktail hour and this guy I went to college with comes up to me and before he even says hello says, "So, why aren't you married?" Um, what? I was NOT expecting that. I didn't even know what to say. It was like a slap in the face. For a split second, I got that pre-cry burn feeling in my eye, but it only lasted a second and I got over it. I looked at my friend M's husband who was standing there and he just had this blank look on his face. He didn't think to say "Hey, come on, that's not a very nice thing to say" no, he just stood there. Finally, I just said "I don't know" with kind of an offended attitude. He then got defensive and was like, "No, no I didn't mean that in a bad way, I meant it as a compliment, like why aren't you married by now?"

I'm sorry, there has got to be a better way to phrase that. How about "so why hasn't some lucky guy snatched you up yet?" or something. I mean, I don't really like that either. How about you don't bring me being single to my attention at all? How about that? Jerk.

So we go sit down and wait for the wedding party to get introduced and the photographer is going around to the tables taking pictures. He comes up to our table, which consists of all couples and me (my friend C sat with us, but she still was waiting to be introduced so she wasn't there), and he says "Ok, I'd like to get some couple shots." I rolled my eyes and made a face to try and make a joke of it quickly because of course all eyes went to me. I felt so stupid. Then my friend K who was sitting next to me was like "we can take a picture together." I was like, forget it. Good thing the bar opened shortly thereafter and I proceeded to get completely drunk and forgot about being alone...

That is until the stupid bouquet toss. I'm sorry, unless you are in your early 20's and you still have a ton of single friends, there is no need to throw your fucking bouquet. The DJ announces that he wants all the single girls on the floor and literally it was like crickets. It was me, C, and one of the brides friends. Disaster. So, the DJ was like, "if you have a boyfriend you're still "technically" single, so get out there." A couple more people showed up. I moved to the back and kept my arms down. I caught two bouquets when I was 24 and look how much luck that brought me. Fuck off. So, my friend A caught it, which is just as well since she'll probably become engaged in the next couple of months or so.

I was really surprised I didn't cry at all, not even late night. I did get upset the following day looking back at it all. It was all just so up in my face. I try to just ignore the fact that I'm single and alone and depressed about it and I think I do a pretty okay job going through life pushing it to the back burner. Most people don't ask me about my love life or bring it up and I sure as hell don't talk about it anymore. It just seemed that it was unavoidable. Something to look forward to at K's wedding next summer. Sure as hell hope C doesn't have a boyfriend then or I just might shoot myself.

Looking for drama

So I went to my friends house on Wednesday for a potluck, the one who lives in T's neighborhood. As I was walking there I suddenly got all nervous that I might run into him again like last time. Not this time though. I have to say that I was slightly disappointed. What is wrong with me? I don't want him. I know he's not right for me. I know he doesn't want me. Later, I realized from facebook stalking him that he moved and might not even live in that neighborhood anymore.

Lately, I've been spending some time with K's roommate, just because it's someone new to hang out with and possibly someone to introduce me to new people. Well, I have to say I do not like her crowd. They're kinda young and the guys are SO not my style-very young, very meatheadish, very cocky, very crass. Not my flava. BUT on top of all that, she has so much drama that it makes me super jealous. I mean, she's not the prettiest girl on the street, but neither am I, and yet she has all these potential guys hanging around that she's interested in. I totally wish I had that. Although, she's into the kinda guys I'm not.

I wish I knew where to find the kind of guys I'm into-tall, skinny, intelligent, mature, modest, interested in the same things musically as I am...I just know that they're all taken...or gay. Sometimes I just wish I had drama, even just a little, just to make life interesting. It hasn't been interesting in 2 1/2 years and I'm betting it won't get any more interesting in the future what with all my friends gettin hitched and not wanting to ever go out not that I ever really met anyone from going out.

This post is so haphazard, sorry. BTW I'm watching the Holiday on TV right now....and who would go on a vacation swap and just happen to run into someone who looks like Jude Law...oh yeah, that would be someone who looks like Cameron Diaz. Yup.

The worse part

So on Monday I emailed T to see if he still wanted to grab drinks this week and he emailed me back on Thursday saying that he might not be able to, long story, but he'd let me know today. Well, sure enough, I haven't hear from him. I went and made other plans.

The kicker to the whole thing with T is that I don't even think I like him that much. I mean, he's okay and I think the reason why I get so into it is because he flirts pretty well. I mean, he does this teasing thing with me that nobody else ever does or ever has done, which is why I think I have these feelings. But they're not even real feelings because he isn't anything that I really want in a guy. It's more just excitement than attraction.

For one, I feel like he is not very considerate. I think that he had his own agenda when we went out two years ago, meaning, he just wanted to sleep with me. He doesn't like the same music I like. Correction, he isn't into music at all. He's one of those people who says he's not really into music, he just isn't moved by it at all....? Total opposite of me. Maybe I could like someone who had different tastes, but to say that music isn't really something that you are passionate about is odd and something I can't relate to. Aside from our profession, we don't really have that much in common. The only thing that I think we do have in common: we're just NOT that into each other. My problem is that I'm so lonely and affection-deprived that I just want something to tide me over.

I think the problem is that there's nobody else. Nobody. I have zero distractions. There's nobody else to think about, get excited about, hope to see on weekends. He's it. That's so sad. I really wish I had options, crushes, anything.

I went out with B on Saturday with some of her coworkers. One coworker brought her friend. She was this dark haired dark eyed and fake tanned girl. I mean I guess she was pretty, but it must've been something else because EVERY guy was hitting on her. Her friend was like, "It's always like this. I don't get it." She attributed it to her bubbly personality.

I mean, I don't think I'm a mute when it comes to guys, but maybe they see me as unapproachable? I can only think of two things that guys would be turned off by: personality or looks. Well, if they don't talk to me, it has to be something else...my looks. Maybe that's why T isn't into me, maybe I'm out of his league. His last girlfriend was like "model" pretty. I should've known.

My friends always tell me that leagues don't exist, but they are in like the top 3 leagues and have never had problems attracting guys. They've never been called ugly to their face. I don't even look at guys if they're too pretty because I know. I know, they know, everybody knows, but nobody wants to tell they're friend..."oh yeah, you're not pretty enough for him." I don't care what people say, we live in a superficial world (and i'm superficial girl...j/k couldn't resist). It just sucks when the major thing you rely on to attract love is one thing that you can't control...unless you go under the knife. More and more I've been feeling like my nose is super big for my face. Of course I would never get a nose job...but only because I couldn't afford it. I would totally do it if I had the money.

Ugh. I wish things would happen for me. Anything to make my life interesting. I feel like I've been going out a lot through friends, coworkers, meetups, friends I've met through meetups...but it's not filling the void. Being busy helps a little, but not when I'm lying in bed wishing I had someone lying next to me or when I've had a bad day or a great day even. I'm always asking the people I go out with how they meet their dates, boyfriends, etc. and they're the usual stories-work, through a friend, a neighbor, an old schoolmate. I've explored those resources and even beyond. It just sucks when you don't get out what you put in.

I feel like I'm just rambling at this point. I'll stop now.

Why do I even bother?

So in addition to the incident on Friday night, a while ago I had emailed my friends to see if they would be interested in going on a road trip to Chicago. I was only there once for a very brief time and have been wanting to go back, I think a road trip would be lots of fun and I've never been on one of those either, and I thought on the way, we could stop and see C, who now lives in Ohio.

So I asked the group (6 girls) and two right off the bat said they couldn't, which is fine, I don't expect everyone to be able to go but tell me so I can start planning the trip. Well, one friend, D, who said Yeah! sounds fun! is now saying she can't. She is getting married this fall, so I understand if she will be tight on money and busy planning the wedding and whatnot, but why didn't you tell me before, you've been engaged for a while, you should know that already. Then A says she doesn't know now because she just got offered a job and she doesn't know if they'll let her take time off. She's known she will be getting a job soon.

Oh, I should say that this is a common trend in my group of friends, where if one person says no, they pretty much all say no like a domino effect....I don't know what's up with that, but it's pretty fucking annoying.

I was all prepared for M to say she can't go either, which she hasn't yet, but at this rate, it wouldn't shock me.

Then, today I asked a bunch of the girls if they would want to go to this event for a meetup on Friday and then to see this band that this kid I went to school with, who's a mutual friend of me and T, is playing in. AND I asked them if anyone wanted to go to an anti-valentine's day pub crawl on Saturday as well. Guess what the response was. I don't know why I even bother asking them to do things with me anymore. They almost ALWAYS say no. If they say yes, I actually have to ask again and recheck because I'm so shocked and nervous that they'll cancel on me. Usually the excuse is that they're either broke, busy, or just prefer to stay home. I don't get it. Do people really enjoy sitting home watching TV every single night and weekend? Am I the only one who likes to get out among civilization and do things?

I feel like I'm slipping back into my resentful ways. I sense it at the surface everytime they reply no to one of my invites. What's the point in calling someone a friend if you never see them? I haven't seen D since right after Christmas and I asked her to meet one night for dinner to catch up and to see her new house that she bought. She replied asking if I wouldn't mind waiting til March. Sure, I don't, but it goes to what jo was saying in her post today. If people only meet every 3 months that doesn't mean they're not friends, but perhaps they're not close friends and that's what I was considering these people.

I guess it's what my old therapist was saying, which was that I need to stop getting mad at them for being what they are and accept them for what they can be, accept that they have limitations. I guess it's just hard to realize that the people you thought were your close friends are just friends and that you don't even have any close friends. You don't have anyone close at all.

So, I had a class with this kid who's playing in the band on Friday and I'm friends with him on the SU site, which is where he invited me, well, not just me, almost all of his friends. I figure regardless of how close I am to him, at least it's a way to get out of the house and try and meet people. It's so hard to do though. Meeting people, turning those people into friends and then feeling comfortable enough to consider that friend a close friend is so hard to do at this stage of life. Is it this hard for everyone or is it just me? I feel like everyone is already so settled in their friend groups and that people are usually reluctant to let new people into their lives. I hate that it's this hard.

So anyways, this guy is pretty good friends with T. So, don't ask me why, I emailed T to see if he was planning on going Friday even though I haven't talked to him in MONTHS. He replied that he wasn't sure but that maybe we could meet up for a drink next week. I didn't reply yet. I don't know what I'm doing. I think meeting him wouldn't do me any good, but the thought of seeing someone who once was considered a potential is almost too tempting to pass up. Maybe it's just the Valentine's Day blues I'm experiencing, but then again, maybe it's just life.

Why I hate everyone

So you think hate is a strong word? Well you’re right, it is. I’m not kidding. I truly hate everyone. It’s not over one thing or another. Nothing new has happened really, well, that’s not true, but I’ll get into that later. It’s really more of a realization that I am utterly and truly alone in this world with nothing to console or comfort me besides myself, who doesn’t do a very good job by the way. Other people may have a significant other to go to when they feel alone, sad, frustrated, or angry. Some people might have family that they talk to or spend time with, a close sister or mother perhaps. Other people really connect with their coworkers or they find comfort in working because it is their passion and a place they find relief or satisfaction. Some people have other people looking out for them and have people that do things or go out of their way to help them. I do not have any of these things. I have nothing and no one. I do not have a companion, my family is too wrapped up in their own lives to take the time to invest in mine, my work is just that-work, not a career, and my friends more and more seem like just acquaintances. I am completely alone in this world.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a concert with a friend of a friend. She invited the guy she’s seeing to come too, which I was fine with me because I’ve been out with them before and it wasn’t uncomfortable. He wanted to go to this art gallery beforehand for an opening, so we agreed to go to that first, then the show. Well, at around 3 she emailed me through a social utility (SU) site saying she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t going to go out tonight. I find that so frustrating. I am pretty anal when it comes to times and plans. I hate being late or making people wait for me and I hate when people cancel plans or having to cancel on someone, which I almost never do, even if I don't feel like it anymore or feel bad, I hate letting people down. I woke up early this morning to do my hair and makeup knowing I would be going out straight from work. I could’ve slept a little more if it wasn’t for this person’s cancellation. I could’ve dressed more casually instead of wearing a going-out outfit. I would’ve brought my big work bag with my book to read instead of my small going out purse, but no, I did these things because I trusted this person would follow through. I can already sense that you think I’m psycho. It gets worse, trust me, my psychoness, not the story. I also asked K if she was interested in going last week. She said maybe. I asked her again while we were playing a game on the SU site but she didn’t answer for like an hour while we were playing. Then just by chance, I checked the game today and she wrote “just saw this (yeah right), not in the mood to go out tonight.” Why do I suspect she sent it to me there and not in an email knowing that I wouldn’t be playing the game at work and wouldn’t look til I got home, which I wouldn’t have done until AFTER the show.

I know, you’re thinking I’m really paranoid and that I’m crazy to complain. Seriously though, I swear my life is just a part in everybody else’s play and my play is going bankrupt because the actors never show up, the plot is meaningless and uninteresting and nothing ever goes as planned. That’s honestly how I feel. When people ask me to participate in their lives, I mostly, no, I always agree, eager to spend time with people I care about. When I ask them to participate in mine, it’s either like pulling teeth or always a lame excuse leaving me thinking that they really could give two shits.

I am consuming an entire bottle of wine as soon as humanly possible.

I'm still alive update #1

So, I know I haven't posted in a while, and it's for the reason I often lapse in posting, either I've got nothing to say because nothing is going on or what I do have to say is so depressing that I don't want to be whiny.

Last month wasn't the greatest for a couple of reasons, which I'll elaborate more on in upcoming posts. One of the main things bothering me last month I guess directly relates to the holidays and how I guess everyone feels lonely around them.

One thing that I noticed was that on my social utility site, everyone and their mother seems to either be married, engaged, or in a relationship and a couple profile photo to prove it-barf. I actually sat and counted up the single people that I know and I came up with 5 people. That's only people that I would consider friends or acquantences. If I wanted to include just friends, it's 2. Sometimes I feel like it's just all in my face everywhere I look.

On top of that one of my friends just got engaged and so the topic of conversation around my friends is of course weddings, and then turns to having babies, blah blah blah. Most uncomfortable was when my friends and I got together the Saturday after Christmas and the conversation turned to sex and if people had tried something specific that I won't get into here. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable being around the conversation, I don't mind getting pretty explicit about things, I'm definitely not a prude that way, maybe in other ways, but not conversationally. I guess it was more that I couldn't contribute to the conversation, because really, who am I to give an opinion when I haven't been in the situation or even remotely close to it. I don't know if anyone noticed that I didn't speak during that part of the night, but how could they not, everyone went around saying if they had or had not done it, except for me.

I also don't feel very hopeful about this new year. Online dating has been a complete bust for me and I will not be doing it again. I will attempt at going to these social meetings, but not to find men, more to just meet new people, girlfriends and guy friends, and keep myself busy.

At this point, I am trying to condition myself to not expect anything out of life. I know this goes against everything that the Secret teaches, but it also falls into the mentality of stuff happens when you're not looking for it too, so whatever. I've already pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have children. It's weird, I've always thought I wanted kids, but the more time I spend with my niece and nephews (which are great kids don't get me wrong) the more I realize that I don't know if I want them. Here's my reasoning. #1 I love sleep. I hate waking up early for anything. #2 I have zero tolerance for misbehavior and have a pretty bad temper, when I do get angry. I'm slightly afraid I'd be a spanker, which I don't necessarily want to be. #3 I see how draining kids are and how they hinder your life in many ways. I really like my freedom and don't know whether I could give up things. I know, I know, it's different when it's your own kids, but right now, unlike many of my other friends, I am NOT itching to have them anytime soon.

This works in my advantage I think. Don't guys get scared by those girls who are like "I just want to get married and have kids!" haha, well, maybe not, but I'm going to believe it's true. Next on my list is to condition myself not to expect marriage. Not everyone gets married in this world. And even more people don't stay married. This one is a little harder because if I don't have marriage to look forward to, then what do I? I am not one of those career driven people who wants to move up on the career ladder. So, what else is there? Watching everyone around you marry, have kids, etc. I know it's very "I have nothing to live for, let me just kill myself" kind of mentality. I mean sometimes I do feel that way, other times I don't, I just feel numb.

All I know is that I can't let myself believe that something will eventually happen. I've done that for over 15 years and I'm just continuously disappointed and driven deeper into depression. I figure if I expect nothing at all, if I do find something, at least I'll be surprised. But like I said, I am really feeling like I won't find anything and as weird as it sounds, it's starting to feel comforting.

New low

So I'm really bored. Not the "oh i have nothing to do" kind of bored. I'm bored with life right now. I miss excitement of going out and having stories and fun pictures, of meeting people, of feeling like there was potential out there. There's just not one person anywhere that is fulfilling that feeling and it really blows.

So, I haven't talked to T in forever. After our awkward lunch we emailed like twice but he was kind of weird, if not rude, so I stopped emailing him (since it was all on my end anyway) and haven't heard from him since.

But for some reason I did something very loserlike. Before I went out with him um, yeah, TWO years ago, I of course did my usual stalker routine online and found out the name of his ex-girlfiend. Psycho I know.

Well, tonight I decided to find her on the social networking site I just recently joined and didn't I find pics of T from when they were together, which is kind of weird don't you think to keep pics up of an ex especially considering she's dating someone new? But anyway, yeah, I found the pics and IIIII downloaded them to my computer. LOSER!!!

I'm so bored. Something HAS to change!

One of those days?

Did you ever have one of those days where all of your insecurities come barreling at you at the speed of light to the point of paralysis? Yeah. I'm having one of them. I know what the trigger was, although it's completely unrelated to anything that I'm feeling right now.

I was taking a class in something related to what my dept does, but something I have no part of directly. I was taking more for fun/information. Well, the class is way above my head technically speaking, and after trying to explain my final project idea to my professor, she talked to me so condescendingly that I felt like a complete imbecile. Yeah, I cried as I left the building. And yeah, I withdrew the second I got home. I feel like there's no need as an adult in my situation to let anyone or anything make me feel that way. EVER.

It just brought up feelings of inadequacy in terms of my intelligence, which then led to insecurity about my looks, social life, love life, you name it, the snowball effect. Once you get going, you can't really stop.

I saw my therapist today at lunch and she was telling me about all of the progress I have been making by reconnecting with my friends and letting them into my life again. She said that it was good that I was trying to think more logically and not let my resentment and anger cripple me the way I let it in the past. Joining the social site and volunteering are good ways to put myself out there. Though, I feel like an investor in today's economy, all my effort has gone to shit. I'm putting so much in and not getting anything in return. I feel like you can only take so much before you hit rock bottom and someone has to literally bail you out.

I feel like I'm in the exact same spot as I was when I was 25, 20, even 15. I've grown physically, well, that's not even true. I grew to my current size when I was 12 and have the stretch marks to prove it.

I guess I have gained some knowledge, although, I quickly forget almost everything that has ever been taught to me...kind of defeats the whole education process, no? I feel like I continually hide the fact that I don't know what people around me are talking about and quickly changing the subject to my area of knowledge: pop culture.

Psychologically, I feel like a child, always the baby of the family who can't do anything by herself, always relying on the parents for help, because real adults have gone through relationships and have relied on boyfriends or friends for that stuff, right?

Emotionally, same deal. I've had no experience that would have enabled me to grow into the real "me." You know when people talk about how it's the people they've met and loved that have made them who they are? Yeah, I don't get that concept because all I've known is the same I've known since forever. I don't know how I act when faced with confrontation. I don't know if I'm a jealous person. I don't know if I like PDA or not. I don't know about forgiving and making up. I haven't had the experiences to make me "me." Maybe I'm not even the real "me" yet. What if I never become "me?"

Someone needs to go to bed...

So cranky

So even though I just got back from visiting C she randomly came out this weekend and stayed with my friend M. Everyone made an effort to go see C and we all talked about how D just got engaged and how we don't like her fiance, blah blah blah. Well, A, who is def the maid of honor, said that D will definitely ask C to be in the wedding. M thought that D might ask me too. Don't get me wrong, I am totally relieved that she isn't planning on asking me, but it got me thinking.

All I could think about after that was that not one of my "friends" from this group has or will likely ask me to be in their weddings. I know that there are family obligations and with some groups of girls you can't ask just some girls and not others because it might get caddy, but we're not like that. Everyone so far will invite one or two to be in the wedding, it will just never be me. That kind of upsets me to know that I'm not close enough to any one of them in that way.

Likewise, I don't know who of them, if any, I would ask to be in my wedding. That got me even more depressed because my family is so F'd up that I prolly couldn't even invite 2/3 of them because of family drama. Then, I don't even think my sister would want to be my maid of honor. AND even IF I get married, by the time it happens, my friends will be so old and probably pregnant that they wouldn't even want to be bridesmaids at that point.

Then somehow the conversation led to sex and pregnancy, which I love since I have so much to contribute. Couple that with the fact I slept horribly on couches two nights in a row and woke up super early, the hoards of traffic I hit coming home, assholes cutting me off and my pigsty of an apt I came home to, which I can only blame myself for, and I am in a FINE mood. Can you tell? Haha.

And oh, I learned that in addition to possibly fucking Gary and keeping Eric on hold until he comes back from Iraq (she couldn't figure anything out with him so far away, please), K is apparently fucking some other guy that she knows. So shady I think, but why do I care? It's not what I want, but, still, the fact that she is stringing three different guys along (the fact that she can get three guys to want her even) really annoys me.

So glad it's Sunday and I have to wake up early and go to work tomorrow. =)

Bottom of the barrel

So tomorrow was supposed to be the last day of my eHarmony subscription. I logged in today to cancel it and realized that they automatically signed me up for another month (which isn't cheap) and charged my credit card. Damn bastards. I remember match did that to me once too. Sneaky as hell. I wrote them two emails demanding that they cancel the charge. On a side note, I am beginning to be leery of all online transactions. My student loan company also sketches me out by not sending me reminder notices (even though I'm signed up to receive them) then doesn't tell me when my account is past due. I feel like everyone is out to get my money! Grrr.

Anyway, so aside from that little annoyance, I am really bummed out that I had even less success through that site than other sites. Not one solid communication, not one. After the first month of so-so matches, I realized I was hitting the bottom of the barrel when I started getting matched with guys that were 3 inches shorter than me or who had kids, both which I rated as being important factors to me. Then I just got the freebie ones I think, who didn't have pics and had one-liner answers on their profile. Yeah, like I'm going to want to talk to you. Then there were the ones who answered the question, "What are you passionate about?" with "sex" or the ones who answered the question, "What are you thankful for?" with 1. sex 2. condoms 3. orgasms. Wow, so deep, can I date you? Please? PLEASE?!

I'm feel like I'm falling back into my depressed, or should I say disappointed feelings from before. Even though I feel like I'm able to tolerate being around my friends again, I still haven't been in a situation where I've had to hang out with them and their significant others, so I'm not sure how that will play out. I'm just so disappointed in my social life. Even though I meet the friends for a drink or lunch or dinner, etc. we never socialize with anyone else, try to meet new people. For example, I went out with some coworkers Tuesday night and K met me. I said something about checking out the room or talking to people, but she wasn't really receptive. That really stinks considering she's the only single friend I have who lives near me. I feel like she never wants to do that with me. I'm wondering now if she's secretly seeing someone or if she goes out with her "other" friends to do that. Who knows.

Then, other people just have so much crap going on. D is studying for her CPA, A is trying to finish her PhD, M and C live in other states, and B is married living in the suburbs and I never get the impression she's ever interested in going out. She's more the type to want to sit in a booth and chat and then is tired after 2 beers and wants to go home. I don't know how it feels to be in a relationship and have single friends because I've obviously never been in that situation, but I would hope that I would be supportive of them in trying to meet people or would go out with them and be there for them, just like you were there when they were single. It just seems like nobody cares anymore once they're all set.

I feel like I'm at a loss. The social meeting site has been slack with meetings that interest me and the volunteer group I joined hasn't really had anything yet that interests me either. I feel like I was putting out a good effort there for a while, but it just gets so hard when you put yourself out there and nobody is receptive. You don't click with people and you just end up back where you started, so what's the point?

I joined a social networking site, but it's so depressing. First, I have so fewer friends than any of my other friends, then I can see other people's pics and what they're up to and it just makes me realize how much I am not doing. My most recent pics of going out are from 2 years ago...and they were from weddings, my most recent pics of actually going out are from like 3-5 years ago. Then, ugh, the most annoying thing I find is that people's profile pics are of them and their partner. It's your profile, not the couple's profile. I don't know why, but that so bugs me. Maybe I'd feel differently if it were me, but to me it's just an extra reminder of "hey, look at me, I'm in a relationship and you're not!" I'm such a bitch. The only thing that I've been posting on my site recently is going out for drinks after work, which, trying to look at it objectively kinda makes me appear like a loser drunk with nothing better to do after work and certainly nothing or nobody to go home to.

Speaking of going out with coworkers, I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately, which I'm not crazy about. I am not a fan of mixing work and personal stuff. I practically made a fool out of myself Tuesday, well, in my eyes I did, even though my coworker said I was fine. I just don't want to embarass myself and lose respect of anyone I work with.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. I am just feeling really hopeless lately. It's coming up on two years since my incident with the stranger and that was the last time I even kissed someone. I feel like I wouldn't even know what to do now. Maybe I won't have to worry about it anyway. It might be time to get a cat...or a hundred.

Figures

So, again, the reason for the lack of posts is the lack of anything major to talk about. The meetings through the social networking site are pretty sparse lately. Not sure why, maybe because summer is over and the weather just doesn't lend itself to getting together?

With my attempts to go out with my friends more, I did end up going out on Saturday night with D. We met up with her brother on a pubcrawl in my hometown. I don't really like her bro that much, but figured she doesn't see him that often and it would be nice to say hi. Well, he'd been on the pubcrawl all day, so when we met up with him, he was more than shitfaced. Did I mention he's kinda racist and a prick? Haha. Soooo, in an effort to get the F out of there and as far away from him as possible, I suggested we meet up with K at a bar in town even though I was kind of annoyed with her.

Sidenote: K was weird as shit earlier in the day. I thought she invited me to go watch the Head of the Charles regatta. I must've misinterpreted her because what she must've said was that she was going..with her other friends. In the end she told me she was a tack on invite with a group and didn't feel it was her place to invite me. Whatever weirdo.

So anyway, we meet up with K at the bar and the baseball game is almost over. K didn't seem to be too thrilled we were there, which was also weird and annoying. As soon as the game ended, she said she was leaving. Whatever, see ya! D and I ended up talking to the group they were hanging out with and it ended up being kinda fun. Then, out of nowhere, a bunch of people who went to college with us showed up. These people, I might add, were all friends with D, longtime love of my life. I was talking to his friend, who didn't remember me [I feel like I am one of those unforgettable people that nobody ever remembers. I just joined this other social networking site and I have like no friends compared to my friends and no one asks me to be their friend sigh], and he was like "you know D is into guys, right?" SAY WHAT?? Then he goes, "no, no, i'm just kidding." So, wait, is he or isn't he???? What guy jokes that his friend is gay? I mean, this kid WAS wasted, but that isn't something you joke about. So, then I said, "But he dated [poser freak girl] in college for like a year." "Oh, her? she's a lesbian." SAY WHAT?

I don't know what to think. All I know is that I possibly could have spent 3 years of my life pining after a guy who had absolutely no interest in me...and he never even hinted at that. If he had and I knew I had no shot, maybe I would've moved on, maybe I would've met other guys, maybe I would've actually had a relationship, maybe even an emotional and *shock* a sexual one, and maybe I wouldn't be where I am right now...miserable, alone, inexperienced, and despondent.

Nothing to report

I've been pretty MIA lately with no good reason except that there's nothing to report. My life is pretty boring these days. I had a cold last week which infringed on my socializing through the social networking site. I was hoping to get back into the swing of things, but there haven't been many events that have interested me.

The only thing that did happen recently was I had three friends over for dinner and drinks on Saturday. It was nice, we ate, talked, played board games. It felt nice to just talk to them and feel like things were back to "normal." Although, after they left and the whole next day I was kind of in a funk. I think that what had the most affect was when I told them about "Ross" from the pubcrawl. They all thought it was pretty funny. I mean, it is funny I guess, but at the same time, this is my life. This is what I as a single woman in my late twenties has to deal with. That to me is not funny. They have husbands or boyfriends to go home to and tell this funny story to, they don't have to go home and cry afterwards because this is a glimpse at what's out there nowadays without any other potential prospects.

And so it seems that the resentment is still alive, it's not as strong as it once was, but it still does get to me more than I'd like. I'm not sure what else to do with myself. I've been particularly weepy this week, but I think it's just PMS. I've also been having trouble falling asleep at night. I just can't get my mind to stop going.

Oh, I guess one other thing to note is that I joined a pretty well known social utility site. Ugh. I joined a long time ago and quit saying I would never join again because I found myself being sucked into it completely. Well, a friend said she would only join if I did and she clearly wanted to, so I did. I already regret it. I just don't see any good coming from it. Anyhow, in the search for finding people, I found D. I don't know why I friended him, it just ends up making me feel nostalgic and sad. In any case, I've been dreaming about him a lot lately, which is awesome. Not.

Sigh. I'm so ready for something else. Something other than this. Anytime would be good. How about now? No? Okay. Now? What about now?

A shoulder to cry on

This post is in response to ecrivain's post. It was getting too long for a comment and it had a lot of stuff I wanted to say, so here it is:

i don't want to say i know "exactly" how you feel, because i think everyone is entitled to their individual feelings and feeling like you own them? if that makes any sense. because we all have moments when we feel like "nobody else can possibly feel like i do know," and it's true, because i haven't lived your life. but just know that there are people out there who've felt that feeling too-like, nobody, NOBODY, feels this or gets me.

i had the same realization you had when i graduated college. i remember i sobbed like a baby the night before my college graduation. my roommate told someone, "oh, she's just sad we're graduating." i said, "no, that's not why." it was because i was in total disbelief that i was nowhere near where i thought i would be at that age. i thought i would've met someone in those 4 years, lost my virginity, matured, figured out my career path...and none of it was true. i cried the whole drive back home too. i had to make my mom drive my car because i was so hysterical. she thought what my roommate thought. i let her believe it.

i have a feeling that i will feel the same things near my 30th, that i'm not where i'm supposed to be or want to be. it's something my therapist called me out on. she told me i gauge myself too much against other people and societal expectations. I disagree with her though; it's not just about other people and being normal, it's about wanting what any normal human being would want-love and acceptance.

it sucks, i did nothing for my bday this year. when my coworkers asked what i did for my bday, all i could say was "my parents took me out for dinner." (woohoo) no party, no big gift, no hullaballoo...but there never is a big to do about me.

even in my family, i feel like i've gotten the shaft. in my parent's home are my brother's wedding pics, my sister's wedding pics, pics of my niece and nephews, pics of my siblings' families, and my brother and sister's grad school pics. yeah, maybe i chose not to go to my grad school graduation, but really, i didn't think anyone would come, especially my siblings and their kids-too crazy with all the youngins, ya know. literally, i'm in two pics in my parent's house. one is me standing next to my sister in her cap and gown and another is me with my brother and his wife. but to me, it's more like i'm some random person in the background of a photo, i just happened to be there. it's like if you aren't married or have kids, what have you really accomplished? at least in my parents' eyes.

What it all boils down to

I'm lonely.

I don't care how much I try to resolve/repair my relationships with my friends, at the end of the day, I'm still lonely.

No matter how many social events I now try to pack into my schedule through this social site, when I come home after it, I'm lonely.

When I try to focus my energy on improving me as a person, my soul, when I'm finished, I'm still lonely.

Focusing on creating a life without depending on a man doesn't make me feel strong, it makes me feel lonely.

I'm really tired. No Mom, not sleepy tired, TIRED as in exhausted, done, finished, I said NO MORE! I'm tired of spending all of my time at home in my apartment alone. I'm tired of going to bed alone, waking up alone. I'm tired of making all of my own meals, being the only one who cleans, does all of the grocery shopping, of never going out to eat because I have nobody to go with. I'm tired of not caring what I look like because really who am I trying to impress? I'm tired of never being able to go on vacation because I have no one to go with. I'm tired of celibacy. I'm tired of hoping my future will someday change, but feeling like it never will. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of pity. I'm tired of telling people or the IRS that I'm single. I'm SO TIRED of this! There should be an unspoken universal statute of limitations on how long someone can feel this way. Maybe 15 years? That would work perfect for me. I'm ready for this to end.

I'm turning 28 in two days, which might be spurring these feelings or it might just be another Saturday when I'm stuck at home alone with no plans, but I think this is just me, writing because I'm tired (the sleepy kind) and because I'm just fucking tired.

Highs and lows, the ebb and flow

So like last week was busy, this week was incredibly slow. All my plans either fell through or I backed out of. I didn't got to the info session Tuesday, A backed out of dinner on Wednesday (she said she had to work late, and why can't I help but think she ditched me for something else, something better?), and then I totally backed out of the happy hour thing on Thursday. I was so tired, this week has been crazy at work.

By the end of the week, though, I was itching to get out, to do something, anything. I even got all Secret-y and envisioned getting back from a meeting and hearing a text or voicemail or checking my email and seeing someone ask me to do something. A little bit ambitious, I know, since I'm only at the start of the mend of my old friendships and it's not like I know anyone else. Big surprise, "You have no new messages."

Today was absolutely beautiful out and again I hoped someone somewhere would ask me to do something. Nothing. I ended up cleaning my entire apartment, which, don't get me wrong, is something I get great satisfaction from, but it's not exactly the same, ya know. I guess there's always the option of me asking them, but I think I don't feel confident enough to do that yet. After last week of asking to see everyone of my friends (except B) I feel like I'm moving too fast. Man, that sounds stupid, but it's just how I feel about the situation right now. B is a totally different story...but more on that later.

Anyways, I need to do more. I thought about just taking a book and myself to the Common to read, just to get out of the house. Somehow, it just seems like it takes so much effort.

I had lunch with two coworkers yesterday, one of whom was the one who openly talked about joining eharmony. She asked me if I'd done match, in front of the other coworker, which I thought was a little rude. What if I didn't feel comfortable talking about that? Whatever. Anyway, we were talking and she kept saying that I was so much like her, only younger. She's 40 and still single. Man, that scared me. What if I am just like her? What if that is me in 10 years? She's successful in her career and was engaged a long time ago and said she doesn't regret not getting married. Is she happy now though? That I don't know. I'm not so sure she is.

I just want my life to change. I know I keep beating a dead horse here, but I just want my life to be fun and exciting with friends to go out with and a man to come home to. I feel like lately I keep hearing that you have the love life you want or that if you want to be in love, you will be. Yeah, very Secret-ish. I feel like I've wanted it for so long though. Could I be lying to myself? Do I actually enjoy being by myself, moping, crying, longing for a man? I don't know anyone who would want those things. Sucky thing is lately I can't stop thinking about T. I'm sure it's just because I had lunch with him two weeks ago and then I saw him Wednesday at another seminar thingy at work. It was working better before when I didn't see him for like six months. Out of sight, out of mind type of thing.

I actually wouldn't mind a new distraction, even if he was well out of my reach. At least I could get my mind off T, who is a lost cause. I definitely need more distractions, men or otherwise, to get my mind off the loneliness, the boredom. I'm not sure which is more painful.

My eyes hurt

So the past two nights I've come home and just broken down crying. Last night after work, my department went to a pub to say goodbye to one of our admin assistants who was leaving to go to law school full time. I think I've said on here before that I don't like to mix my personal and professional lives, but at the same time, I want to be congenial and not perceived as anti-social or anything, so I went.

I just feel weird talking about personal stuff with people I see everyday. I guess it comes from having an experience with a coworker who just gave TMI all the time, right down to her bf's favorite sex position. Thanks, but I don't want to know that much about you. How can I ever ask you a question without thinking about you in said position? Do I just have a sick mind? Or does no one else have that problem?

Although, I think partly the reason I was upset too was because it was evident that there are certain people (around my age) in the office that hang out outside of work. It's not that I'm jealous of being friends with them, because honestly, I don't feel like we have a lot in common anyway and I find them slightly flaky? That's not the right word, but I just feel like they're just not from the same breed I am, if that makes sense. Like, I feel like with my old friends, I could say anything, even if it was inappropriate and feel comfortable because they know me and can tell if I'm joking or serious or whatever. With these people, I feel like they're so superficially nice and PC and I swear I've never seen any of them gripe about anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just more pessimistic, but come on, sometimes you have to rant? Right? Well, maybe it's not appropriate to do with your "work friends." But who wants friends you can't say what you think in front of them? Ugh, I have to stop griping. I guess I was just jealous of people having friends in general.

Anyways, the only thing that I've been willing to talk with coworkers about is my family, which is mostly complaints about how they're so annoying. Other than that, what am I going to say? I have no friends, no boyfriend, no interests or hobbies, that my life is completely boring and pathetic? No thanks. But inevitably, someone always pries a little. Mostly, it's "do you have a boyfriend?", which I, of course, hate.

I don't even feel like it's that I'm embarrassed to say I don't have a boyfriend, it's more frustration that I've never been able to say "Yes, actually, I do!" I'm so sick of this monotony.

So, I had lunch with T today. I was a little nervous beforehand, but after like two minutes I was fine. Before when I was crushing on him, I was so aware of how I looked and acted and where I put my hands and looking into his eyes. This time, I was less concerned with how I was acting because I know he doesn't want me, so I was more focused on him for a change. It was wierd though, I felt like he was acting wierd. He kept moving his drinks and the bread plate around and shifting in his seat. He made a few flirty comments, but nothing overly flirty. So all these things to an outside person would maybe make you believe that maybe he's interested, but I know he isn't. Then, it felt more like he was uncomfortable just being there because he kept trying to fill space and saying "uh, what else..." Like he was struggling to make conversation with me. So on top of him not liking me romantically, now I'm bummed because I don't even think he likes me as a friend, which is something my therapist suggested-getting to know him as a friend and maybe it would lead me to other friends/guys.

So this morning I was still recovering from my misery the night before only to have my mood shot down more at lunchtime. Then, the afternoon was a whirlwind of shit to do at work until I could finally come home and crash. I'm going on vacation next week with my family down to the Cape, but I don't even feel like it's going to be relaxing. At least when I get home from work I can sulk or cry in the privacy of my one bedroom apt, but I have to put on a brave face for a whole week? And I have to deal with little kids crying and whining and getting up at 6am? And I'm supposed to have my period? I have a feeling I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation.

I feel like I've just had it. Like I can't take it anymore. I don't want to live this life. Nobody would want to. Nobody should have to. I actually got accepted to eharmony after just trying the survey again on a whim. I emailed them and the said they would give me a promotion code, since it's so goddamn expensive. I don't know if I even have the energy to date though. I mean, who would want to date me? I'm miserable. I have no friends. I'm bitter. I'm inexperienced. Classic case of what men DON'T want.

I wish I had the guts to end it all.

It's official

I'm miserable. I caught a cold from my nephew last weekend so physically I've been feeling awful. I feel a little better today, but still not 100%.

Emotionally, I can't say that I've been feeling much better. My mind has been all over the place this past week. Mostly, I've felt just numb, almost to the point where I forget that this life is not the one that I want, the one that I would choose for myself. I feel neither sad nor distressed. I just am. Other times, I have very serene moments where I realize that this is my life and I can envision my life this way forever and feel very mature for coming to this realization, like maybe I'm a bigger person for accepting what life has dished out for me. After all, I'm healthy, I have a family, I have a good job now. I, in other people's eyes, have a pretty good life compared to some.

But there have also been times when I miss being around people, miss going out and doing things, only to angrily turn on myself and think “You're such an idiot. You did this. You pushed everyone away thinking that taking time away from them would help you understand how you feel and give you the opportunity to resolve your feelings. Only, time apart just allowed any feelings of hurt, jealousy, and resentment to fester and grow. It's all my fault. I did this, and so I must live with it. It's too late to fix things. It will never be the same as it was, it can't be, too much has changed. It's never going to get better.” I find myself repeating this little mantra in my head over and over again. “It's never going to get better.” This can't be healthy.

And still other times, I think, “Well, if I just pretend that everything is fine, maybe it will be fine.” You know, if you think happy thoughts, happy things will happen, and you will be happy. I was at work a couple weeks ago and there is this Simpsons card that when you open it it's Marge Simpson saying “Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you, and happiness will follow.” I literally almost cried at work. What is wrong with me? I started thinking that this is what people do, this is how normal people probably deal with their problems, right? You just deal with it like a grown-up and move on. But is it? Is that healthy? Shouldn't you embrace your bad feelings to a point, to find out why they're there, where they came from, and then to deal with them?

I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like nobody has the answer. I have nobody to talk to. Even my shrink doesn't seem to be pointing me in the right direction, or any direction for that matter. When I try to talk to my mom about it, she just doesn't get it. No. 1: she doesn't understand anything about men and how to deal with them in the 21st century. She has to be THE most naïve and innocent person I've ever met and she's 58. She started dating my dad when she was 15 and waiting til marriage to have sex. She was shocked when my sister came home with a hickey once in high school; she'd never had a hickey. She didn't know what a beaver or twat was until she was in her forties. She just doesn't get anything. No. 2: She doesn't understand anything about my friend situation either. Sometimes I feel like she really doesn't want to know how sad I am because she doesn't know how to fix it and that to her is frustrating as a mom.

My sister isn't any better either. She has her own problems to deal with. Her house is pretty much a money pit with one thing going wrong after another. Her kids are a lot for her to deal with too. So I feel like I shouldn't bother her with my problems. When I've tried to talk to her about my friends and was letting her know that I was pushing them away, she didn't seem too concerned or wondered why I would want to create my own loneliness. She just said, “Sometimes people grow apart and friends move on.” But, she was never one to have lots of girl friends, either. She has one, but mostly she hung out with guys. Plus, she is the type of person who always had a boyfriend. Ever since high school, it was one guy after the next all the way through college until she met her husband in her post-grad. So, I can't talk to her about men either. I've told her about the guys, but she's never really been the friend I've needed, only a sister, if that makes sense. She's there to remind me how they're jerks and that I deserve better than that, but, I don't know, it's not the same as talking to a true friend somehow. I can't describe it.

So all along, I've told myself that I'm not depressed. I'm not, I'm just unsatisfied with the way things are in my life right now. But, maybe I am. I'm starting to feel a bit crazy inside. I don't like to use that word, because I'm sure every mentally unstable person has a medical reason behind their actions besides pure insanity.

I'm not even sure what I want anymore, which makes it harder too. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I thought I wanted a normal life, which for a single woman living in a decent sized city, would entail going out with friends, dating men, having fun. I've tried to look further into the blogosphere to seek solace in the fact that there are other women like me out there, but what I've come across more often than not are these sites where women basically talk about their sexcapades with men and I think that is nowhere near close to what I want or who I'd want to be friends with, or is it? Sometimes I think that yeah, if I had friends we'd be like the Sex and the City girls talking about all the men we've dated and slept with, but is that actually what I want? I guess the Catholic upbringing did have some kind of effect on me because I don't think of promiscuity as a good thing, but at the same time, sometimes I am so jealous of having a “normal” sex life. I can't find an official average, but it seems women usually have an average of below 10 sexual partners in their life. The older I get, though, the harder it is to get close to men without the fear of them “knowing” everything about me and being completely embarrassed and humiliated. (Although, I'd have to actually meet a guy first.) Other times, I'm completely jealous of some of my friends who found their partners in college and never had to “sleaze it up.”

With my friends too, I have no idea what I want. All along I've said that I want friends who are interested in the same things I am, who want to go out and do things. Sometimes, I wonder what these things are that I talk about. I feel like I really first got upset when they didn't want to go out on the town like we used to. Usually we would go to bars and pretty much get wasted. Is this really my idea of fun? I often think about college and look back and think about how much fun we used to have, just us girls, but realistically, all we did was get trashed every weekend, hook up with different guys, and then laugh about it all. Is this my idea of fun? Is this all I see for my future? I've seen what that kind of attitude can do to someone. My dad had a fun time in college, probably too much fun for his own good. He's always told stories about his friends and their shenanigans and they always involved them being drunk. My sister and I have always thought that was partly the reason for his alcoholism, that he still thinks that those were the best times of his life and he's stuck in the past, which is why he acts so completely immature. I don't want to be that person, always living in the past, thinking that those times were the best and that no other part of my life will ever be as good. Sometimes I wonder if I really do want the life that I've envisioned for my future: the husband, the family, friends that are married with kids, so we can raise our kids together. Maybe I'd want them more if I was in that place, but I'm not. I'm in the single girl place. To me, being single, has always been going out, getting drunk, hooking up with a random guy, which for me has inevitably led nowhere. Maybe I need to get out of that place, but how? That's all I've ever known. And what's on the other side? Grown-up stuff. Does that equal boring stuff?

Man, I think I'm either bi-polar or have a raging case of Peter Pan syndrome. The screen's making my eyes hurt, this post is way too long. I'm not even proof-reading. Sorry for any errors.