Aaaand it's boring again

So, I haven't heard from either one of the guys that I talked to almost two weeks ago now. Neither one has even been online since we initially talked. I was telling myself that last weekend was a holiday weekend so I shouldn't expect anything because people have plans, get busy, whatever. The professor said he was going to the UK for a wedding, so I figured, he's out of the country. Excuses, excuses, same old shit I do to try and make believe that I actually have hope. I logged onto the online dating site I'm on and the professor deleted his account. So, unless he by chance happens to log online again, I don't have a way of talking to him anymore. Figures. Aaaand this is exactly why I don't get my hopes up.

I think I should change my blog title from Kisses from God to Punches from God or Bruises from God haha. Because thinking my freckles are kisses to show how much he loves me is alone ridiculous, not just because I'm atheist, but because it doesn't even makes sense if there was a god. I have been pushed down when I'm up more times than I've been happy, happy is a strong word, more like mildly indifferent, and kicked when I'm down on top of that. It would just be a more fitting title considering the luck I've had in my life.

Oh well, at least I know what I'm in for and know that I can live this way for some time and avoid self-harm. It would probably be worse for someone who had known what love, even like, was like and then had that taken away. I guess never having known it is a blessing in disguise. Fuck, maybe I should be thanking god, ya know, if he existed.

It finally gets interesting

So, the conversation the other night with the young guy ended up flowing fine, which was a relief, and we ended up chatting for 3 hours. I still don't know about the difference in age and education, but I haven't even met the guy, so who knows.

Last night, the other guy, the professor, IM'd me and we talked for 2 1/2 hours. The conversation seemed a bit more forced at times than with the young guy, but I think it was partially due to finding it hard to gauge sense of humor over the internet. I kind of get the impression he has a very dry sense of humor, and sarcastic, which sometimes doesn't always translate merely with words.

Neither of them mentioned meeting in person, nor did I. I'm not sure if I should, since I was the one who initiated both emails, but maybe it'll just come up. I have a feeling that upon meeting I will be able to tell instantly if I like them or not, as is usually the case with me.

I'm not getting my hopes up, since I find it pointless, but at least it gives me something to talk about. This blog is getting pretty boring, even to me, and it's my life.

Is this settling?

So right this minute I am talking to someone online that I saw on a free dating sight. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I was looking really quickly and wasn't paying attention to details very well, which is something I do all the time and decided to send this guy a message. Well, what do you know, he replied and we exchanged IM names.

Well, I later find out that he didn't finish undergrad, but is finishing up now. He is pretty young, almost 3 years younger than I am. AND to boot, he's Christian and I think he might be serious about it. If I had seen those things before emailing, I probably would've left his profile alone. I know in the end, it's the person that matters, not stupid standards. At the same time though, if you didn't have standards, where would you be?

I guess it doesn't hurt to IM for a while and see what happens. It's not like I'm marrying the guy. Right?

I actually messaged another guy who responded to my initial email, I don't know what's going on here. They NEVER respond. This one is my age, I think he's a professor from the sound of his profile, and he's Agnostic. I kinda hope he responds again, but we'll see. If I don't hear from him in a couple days, is it creepy and stalkery to email him again and ask what's up? or just leave it in his court?

I have totally forgotten how to play the game. I can barely come up with things to talk about over IM. Pathetic. People say be yourself, and I am with my friends, but I doubt this guy wants to talk about Sex and the City, references for a waxing place, or how I'm feeling a bit gassy lately...TMI? Yeah, thought so. Being myself is hard. with guys. I don't know.

I'm still alive update #1

So, I know I haven't posted in a while, and it's for the reason I often lapse in posting, either I've got nothing to say because nothing is going on or what I do have to say is so depressing that I don't want to be whiny.

Last month wasn't the greatest for a couple of reasons, which I'll elaborate more on in upcoming posts. One of the main things bothering me last month I guess directly relates to the holidays and how I guess everyone feels lonely around them.

One thing that I noticed was that on my social utility site, everyone and their mother seems to either be married, engaged, or in a relationship and a couple profile photo to prove it-barf. I actually sat and counted up the single people that I know and I came up with 5 people. That's only people that I would consider friends or acquantences. If I wanted to include just friends, it's 2. Sometimes I feel like it's just all in my face everywhere I look.

On top of that one of my friends just got engaged and so the topic of conversation around my friends is of course weddings, and then turns to having babies, blah blah blah. Most uncomfortable was when my friends and I got together the Saturday after Christmas and the conversation turned to sex and if people had tried something specific that I won't get into here. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable being around the conversation, I don't mind getting pretty explicit about things, I'm definitely not a prude that way, maybe in other ways, but not conversationally. I guess it was more that I couldn't contribute to the conversation, because really, who am I to give an opinion when I haven't been in the situation or even remotely close to it. I don't know if anyone noticed that I didn't speak during that part of the night, but how could they not, everyone went around saying if they had or had not done it, except for me.

I also don't feel very hopeful about this new year. Online dating has been a complete bust for me and I will not be doing it again. I will attempt at going to these social meetings, but not to find men, more to just meet new people, girlfriends and guy friends, and keep myself busy.

At this point, I am trying to condition myself to not expect anything out of life. I know this goes against everything that the Secret teaches, but it also falls into the mentality of stuff happens when you're not looking for it too, so whatever. I've already pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have children. It's weird, I've always thought I wanted kids, but the more time I spend with my niece and nephews (which are great kids don't get me wrong) the more I realize that I don't know if I want them. Here's my reasoning. #1 I love sleep. I hate waking up early for anything. #2 I have zero tolerance for misbehavior and have a pretty bad temper, when I do get angry. I'm slightly afraid I'd be a spanker, which I don't necessarily want to be. #3 I see how draining kids are and how they hinder your life in many ways. I really like my freedom and don't know whether I could give up things. I know, I know, it's different when it's your own kids, but right now, unlike many of my other friends, I am NOT itching to have them anytime soon.

This works in my advantage I think. Don't guys get scared by those girls who are like "I just want to get married and have kids!" haha, well, maybe not, but I'm going to believe it's true. Next on my list is to condition myself not to expect marriage. Not everyone gets married in this world. And even more people don't stay married. This one is a little harder because if I don't have marriage to look forward to, then what do I? I am not one of those career driven people who wants to move up on the career ladder. So, what else is there? Watching everyone around you marry, have kids, etc. I know it's very "I have nothing to live for, let me just kill myself" kind of mentality. I mean sometimes I do feel that way, other times I don't, I just feel numb.

All I know is that I can't let myself believe that something will eventually happen. I've done that for over 15 years and I'm just continuously disappointed and driven deeper into depression. I figure if I expect nothing at all, if I do find something, at least I'll be surprised. But like I said, I am really feeling like I won't find anything and as weird as it sounds, it's starting to feel comforting.

Hating this

So, it hasn't even been a full week of being 28 and I'm already hating it. I just hate that I'm another year closer to 30 and I still have never had a boyfriend, not even close, and have never been in love. I am trying so hard to resolve my issues of resentment towards my friends for having experienced those things, but it's still so hard.

I hate that none of them have had to go through, what I consider, the grueling process of online dating. I know that it totally works for some people, but for me, I don't know what the problem is. Not only do I feel like I'm trying to sell myself, and I'm not that good of a salesman, but I feel like I'm not a good buyer either. Part of me thinks that I might be slightly asexual because I don't find any of these guys attractive, not even remotely. Eharmony probably thinks I'm a freak for denying all of the matches they're sending my way.

I think part of the problem is that usually I'm attracted to someone after I've gotten to know them, finding a particular part of their personality appealing, and that's virtually impossible via the internet. Part of the problem I think lies a little deeper than I'm willing to admit to anyone, even my therapist, which sucks because you should be able to tell your therapist everything, right? I feel even scared saying it here because, well, it's embarrassing.

I think I'm scared to even start a relationship. I'm not scared of commitment, I'm not scared of compromising, or even giving up my single lifestyle. I'm scared of the intimacy, mostly, obviously, relating to my sexual past, or lack thereof. Not only do I not want to talk about it, I'm scared shitless of doing it again. I had a horrible first experience and am almost happy it was with someone I know I will never see again. When I describe it as horrible, I don't even mean because it was with someone I didn't know, it was because I was so mortified by being unprepared. What if that was someone I really liked, I just don't think I could handle that kind of mortification again. I mean, all of my friends were younger and could say, "I'm not ready." A lot of them waiting 3 months, 6 months, even a year and because they were so young, it wasn't out of the ordinary. Now, at this age, I feel like women are pressured to give it up after the third date and if not, well, then, what's wrong with you?

So, I was being paranoid and looked up some stuff online. And I've read that it all mostly depends on how prepared you are, like how aroused you are, what they really stress a lot is, um, lube, but also if you still have an intact hymen, that could be a problem too. So, don't think I'm gross, but on my birthday, mind you I was a little tipsy and depressed from my bday bottle-o-wine, I decided to buy this. (You are the only ones who know this as I am so embarrassed I might die.) Thinking that maybe if I was more prepared, I wouldn't freak out as much. Omigod, what was I thinking? That shit hurt. And, it all happened again, good thing I laid down a towel first. So what if that was a guy in my bed? I mean, honestly, there have been times where I wanted to text T and tell him to come over and get me good and fucked, and now I am so glad I never did. Uh, the utter humiliation, could you imagine?

Uh, I was crying as I took a shower feeling completely like a loser and a freak. So, after MORE online paranoid googling, I think I have this. Don't laugh, I'm serious. What if it's true? I will never pursue a relationship out of sheer embarrassment.

Sorry, I keep thinking of this Princess Bride moment (you're thinking, what could possibly be the connection?) where Inigo Montoya says to Mad Max "Humiliation GALORE!" Ha.

Check please?

I just got back from the Cape with my family. What a freaking nightmare. The first night there my sister, her husband, and her two kids were there, both of which screamed the entire first night. The walls were thin. I ended up waking up every morning by like 7:30, which for me, is early if I'm on vacation. It was so stressful. Whining kids and everything revolving around naps and baths. They left Tuesday. Wednesday it was just me and my parents and it was so quiet and relaxing...for a day. But then my brother, his wife, and their two kids came on Wednesday. More whining kids, sleepless nights, and poopy diapers.

I'm so glad I don't have kids right now. I need a vacation.

So, since I hate my coworker, I decided to take a class at work about having difficult conversations. In preparation for the class, they sent me this book. While I was reading it, I realized that it actually might help me when I finally talk to K. I had put it off and tried not to think about it on vacation, but it was hard not to because everything they talked about I could apply to my situation with her. So I emailed her and asked to meet her. She hasn't written back yet.

So, I joined eharmony and I have to say, I'm a little disappointed already. I just started reading this blog and even though there was this guy who sounded like a jerk in one of the comments, he said that everyone who was commenting should lower their standards and have more open minds about people. I know it must seem like I'm stubborn, but some of these matches! Come on! I don't like how you can't search for people like on match, everything is basically up to them. So far everyone is either too short (I have issues with guys shorter than myself), I'm not attracted to them physically, or they're just eh. I know I should give these people a chance, but I know going in, I would be judging them from the getgo. I know myself too well.

I want to try and do more things on my own, get out there and indulge my interests, but I'm really hesitant. There's this Princess Bride (my favorite movie of all time) quote along on that meeting site I belong to that I thought might be fun, but I looked at who was going, and I automatically think: those don't look like people I'd be friends with. How shallow am I? Ugh. I thought about asking A to go with me bc I know she likes that movie. I actually want to talk to her and tell her that I was hurt a couple of times when she bailed on me to hang out with her bf. I don't know if I really want to see her just yet though.

There's also a concert the same night of a band I like. I thought maybe I would go see them and see if there were people there that were like me. Although, I know myself all too well, there's no way I would go up and talk to anyone. I'm just not like that. I don't know what to do.

I did quit my part time job at Hallmark though. That decision came pretty easy. Now I'll have even more time to sit at home and sulk. Yay!

Torn

So last Thursday, I got an email from A saying that she was having people over her house Friday and that I should come (she sent this to a couple of people). I didn't answer because, my honest first gut reaction was "yeah, like I wanna hang out with you and your bf, and all our friends and their bfs." So, on Monday I kind of felt bad about not responding and sent her an email being as honest as I could. Even though this wasn't something my shrink suggested, I'm experimenting with it as a way to get over my bitterness. I told her what my gut reaction was and that I don't want her to be offended if I decline from hanging out at events where it's just going to be all couples. I told her that it's the reason I prolly won't' go to a bbq that B is having at her new house next weekend.

A wrote back and said that she really didn't expect me to come or even reply, but she wanted to invite me anyway. She also said that she feels like her and her bf really are a big cause of why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling. She got this because I told her back in January that a lot did change when she started dating her bf because, out of everyone in our group of friends, she was the one person I could relate to, because she too had never had a bf or been in love and I could look at her when the other girls were talking about bfs and sex and we could roll our eyes and make sarcastic comments and laugh. I never meant to make her feel like me distancing myself was all her fault, but I guess she sort of took it that way.

She said that she knew the feeling of being the only one without someone, but again, she wasn't, because there was always me. Whatever. I also said that ever since people starting pairing off, it was like going out once every three months was enough for people because they had other friends and their bfs to hang out with and for me, with neither of those, it just wasn't enough. Anyways, she last thing she wrote back to me was that she did wish we could hang out more, just the girls and "I know we didn't see each other all the time. But when we did it was fun." I mean, thanks, but is that all you saw in me? As someone to just have fun with? I hope I'm reading too much into it and she saw me as a true friend.

So, I have written that I had joined this online site where you meet with people with similar interests. I went to one where it was a road race, but it was so crowded, I never found my group. Well, I had also joined a group of young 20something women. Wednesday night, there was a meeting at an ice cream shop. Unfortunately, I never got the notice that the organizer was stuck at work and she didn't show. I did end up meeting 3 other people who showed, but it wasn't exaclty what I was looking for. One girl was still in her undergrad, so pretty young, and had a bf. Another girl just finished her undergrad and was married. The last girl was older, not sure how old, getting her MBA and "shopping for rings" with her bf. I guess I was hoping for more single people. I don't want to be so judgemental and picky, but the whole reason I joined the group is because I want to find people who are in the same point in their life who I can identify with. Am I wrong for being so picky?

I feel like at this point in my life, I have a clear view of what I want and what I don't want-in my career, my family, my friends, my love interest. Why should I have to compromise, especially when there are hoards of other people who never have to? And why does not compromising mean I have to be completely miserable?

The online dating site that originally rejected me (I think because when I filled out the form I was honest with my happiness and self-image levels whereas this time I fudged it a bit) has since accepted me, but DAYUM, it's expensive, almost twice the other online dating site I tried. I vowed that I would never pay for another site again, but now, I'm not sure. What if it's the only hope for me and I choose to ignore it? Am I making a conscious decision to doom my love life by not joining an online dating site? Ugh. I hate that other people never have to even come close to having to make these kinds of decisions. Lucky fucking bastards! What? Do I sound bitter?

Damn you Spring!

Today was gorgeous outside. One of my coworkers invited me out for a drink after work with another coworker. It was nice to be outside drinking a cold beer, but at the same time, I was pretty miserable. All I could do was notice how many people were outside enjoying the weather, sitting or walking with friends or significant others...BARF. I usually don't notice this stuff because I always leave work right at 5, hop on the T, and head straight home to my apt. I hate when I have to walk by bar patios and through the city and see people having fun, enjoying life. Even when I did speak to my friends, everyone was usually too busy or lived too far away to meet up like that after work, so this isn't a new feeling, but I am really getting sick of it. The coworker that invited me out (she's 40 and single) was talking about how she was once engaged when she was younger, but that she didn't regret breaking it off because she knew that she would have ultimately been unhappy. I wish I was that strong. I regret almost every decision I've ever made. She mentioned, pretty casually actually, that she was on match.com and was thinking of joining eHarmony. I don't think I could admit to my coworkers that I've done match (twice) and tried eHarmony (got rejected). I feel like people at work don't need to know that much about my love life, or lack thereof. I feel like I would get what I got from all my former friends..pity. If not pity, I feel like people look at you differently when you're not "normal" that way. Maybe it's just my own paranoia.

I thought about emailing T to see how he was doing or maybe seeing if he wanted to meet for a beer. I know that I shouldn't, because really, it's not that I want to see him specifically, I know it's just the loneliness talking and he's the only person I know currently that I could potentially call on to fill this void. Stupid though, because I know he doesn't want me and after said beer(s), I would just get all upset and cry because he (and everyone else) doesn't want me (happened a couple times before, yeah, I know, I don't learn my lesson, I'm seriously masochistic that way). I am in desperate need of that voiceover guy from VH1's Behind the Music to come on the speaker of my life and say "then fate intervened and changed her life forever." I need a change of something.

Change in life goals

The only thing I used to want growing up was to have a family, that's it. I didn't have some big career in mind, i never needed a nice home, lots of money. I don't care about any of that stuff, I never have. I didn't even want to go to college, I think I just did it to prolong the whole 'working til you're 65' thing. I just wanted to get married and have kids.

Well, I just spent the past week at my sister's house helping her with her newborn and her 2 yr old. I've changed my mind. I do not want children. I don't think I have the patience for them. Maybe I would feel differently about my own children or maybe it's because my nephew is just a typical 2 yr old. I don't know. I just know that I'm exhausted, and have no desire right now to have kids, ever, which works out well, since prospects on finding a husband, scratch that, boyfriend, er, date, wait...a glance in my direction, are pretty slim right now.

On that note, my online dating subscription runs out in 5 days, not that it produced anything promising. I went on one date with a nice guy whose profile said he was 5'9", but was more like 5'6" who I wasn't attracted to at all. Oh well. At least I can say that I tried it..twice. Once you've done the typical bar scene and your "friends" don't have anyone to set you up with and you don't work with any potential guys and you've done the whole online dating thing......then what are you supposed to do????