Everything remains the same

Sorry for the disappointment folks. Unlike what most of you probably attribute to my absence from this blog, unfortunately, it has not been because I've found the love of my life and am living in romantic bliss. It's quite the opposite. It's that absolutely nothing has changed and there is nothing of worth to report.

I think last I left this blog, I was getting over the crush of my coworker who turned out to be gay. Well, that was what? 2 years ago? There has not been one, not a single romantic interest in my life since then. Not even the potential for a new friend. Life has been remarkably boring for the past few years with nothing new or exciting to report. I am still at the same job, still in the same condo that I purchased almost 3 years ago, still single, still superbly fucking miserable. Unlike other bloggers, who seem to find success in the online dating circuit or get set up by friends, I have not met a single person. Let me clarify what I mean by "success," I don't mean meeting someone and having that lead to a relationship, I mean just actually getting a hit on your profile from someone who's not over 50, obese, and unattractive. I don't get any responses on my profile. The fact that others not only get responses, but actually get to meet people seems remarkable to me. It's like I have fucking leprosy. I don't get it, which is why I no longer participate in those sites.

On some level though, I don't even think I could handle even getting involved with anyone anymore. It's almost like it's too scary, too terrifying. At this point, it's been almost 7 years since I've even kissed anyone. There's just so much anxiety that comes with trying to explain what the fuck I've been doing with my life since then and why as a 33 year old woman I've only had sex once and don't even remember it, and why I've never been in a relationship at all; it just seems all too overwhelming. And so, a part of me feels like it would just be easier to give up, to bear this loneliness as part of my fate. Even though I don't believe in a god or destiny, part of me feels like I was born to live this life, not that it's my fate, but that it's more of my personality, that it's just who I am. I'm not trying to lay blame on anyone, but the atmosphere in which I grew up was not one that encouraged romantic love. My parents had marital troubles while I was growing up and so I wasn't aware of how a functioning marriage might behave. I also wasn't encouraged by my mother to engage in any kind of normal dating rites that most teenagers experience. I was always told that "boys are bad" and "stay away from boys." I'm not trying to blame my mother here, but it did instill a sense of distrust toward the opposite gender. It made me feel like boys were only after one thing and that they weren't to be trusted. And so, fast forward 20 years and here I am, still terrified of what a guy really wants from me and what he will think of me when I tell him my past.

Since there is and doesn't seem like there will ever be any love updates in the future, I will share that I am looking to sell my condo so that I can buy a house in the Spring. Ugh, living on the first floor of a multi-unit building is the worst! I have always been on the top floor of a building and had never experienced a heavy-footed upstairs neighbor. Holy shit! I feel like I live underneath an elephant! And my upstairs neighbor has 3 cats and a dog, who barks any time the cats chase each other, which is, all the time! F*ing A. I cannot wait to have my own space, at which point, I'll hopefully get a dog of my own, but who knows. At the current moment I'm on hiatus because it seems that every dog rescue in New England doesn't want a single woman who works full time to have a dog. I don't know what it is about these dog rescue places, but they need to get off their high horses. Yes, I work full time, and no I don't have a fully fenced in yard, but I will love the f*ing shit out of this dog, and just because someone is home full time with kids doesn't mean that the dog is going to get their full attention, it could in fact be just the opposite! Kids take priority over pets most often. Whereas, I don't have any kids and can give a pet my full attention, but NOOOOO, I must be a selfish fucking asshole if I'm a single person living in a city. I can't possibly take a dog on walks or to the dog park, but a person who has kids and a doggy door who never walks the dog must be a perfect pet parent.

It's almost worse than being rejected by a man, because it's not even like the pet itself is coming up to meet me and then turning its nose at me, it's someone who's rejecting me on their behalf. You don't know me! You don't know what kind of pet parent I would be! Tons of fucktard people have kids every day without their kids asking if they want them as parents, but that's perfectly fine, nobody questions that. Reverse it and it's like I'm the devil because I don't have a fully fenced yard or other dogs in my home.

I'm really just ranting because I'm having a bad week, I'm slightly, or maybe really, intoxicated, and I just need a venue to spew my grievances. Plus, I've complained about my life to so many people so many times that at this point I can't even garner any sympathy from anyone anymore. They've heard it all before, depending on who they are, for 5, 10, even 15 years now. My college friends don't even know what to say to me anymore. They can't even offer that crappy advice, which I'm not complaining about because, quite frankly, it is super depressing. If I hear "you'll meet someone" one more fucking time.... My friend K told me on my last birthday as we met for coffee, "I honestly don't know why you haven't met anyone, I really can't figure it out." And although I appreciated her honesty, it hurt all the same for some reason. Maybe because of the truth in it. It's often when I hear the truth in other people's advice or statements and not some bullshit "there's fish in the sea" crap that I get sad. I think it's because that means it's real. It's real, not just in my mind, but in theirs too. They see it, the injustice, how it's not fair that they, and everyone we know, has found love, and yet I remain alone, just me, and nobody else.

And so, I depart tonight utterly hopeless. My internal mantra as I fall asleep every night remains the same, "things will only get worse, they'll never get better." And it's only for the sake of my loved ones that I don't end it all now. I've never had the guts to do it or do it to them. And so, I resolve to go on, each boring day after boring day, with disappointment and nothingness. It's what, just another 60 or so years, I guess I can handle it. I wouldn't be the first.