I want to get off this ride

So I sent an email to A telling her I would meet her this weekend but it turns out I have to help my sister move, so maybe we should postpone, but that I would send her an email explaining what's been going on with me lately.

I wrote that I've been dealing with a lot of family stuff lately. First, my dad's drinking has become pretty bad (he's an alcoholic) and that my mom has been pretty miserable lately. In addition to that, there's been tension between my brother and sister in the past six months. My sister, husband and son have relocated here from NY. They bought a house, which needed renovation, and have been living in temporary housing. She's pregnant and due any day now. I've been trying to help her with my nephew and redoing the house, I mean, now that she's so close to me, she really doesn't have anyone else to help her since my parents still live three hours away.

Well, over Thanksgiving my brother, his wife, and their two kids and my sister and her family all came to my parent's house. My brother and wife were so inconsiderate towards my sister it was unbelievable. Needless to say it wasn't a great holiday. Not to mention that a few days afterwards my sister-in-law accidentally cc'd me on an email where she bashed my mom and my sister and bitched about how my sister was inconsiderate towards them.

Christmas was even worse. My mom was dealing with my father, and then got into a fight with my brother over the phone. I've never seen her so upset. She threw the phone at the radiator and busted the phone and made a good dent in the radiator cover and then proceeded to cry so hard she puked.

So I wrote all that in the email and then attached the word document that I wrote a couple months ago explaining how I was feeling. I pretty much got the response that I was expecting: hurt resentment balled up in defensive heartlessness. "what is going to happen to make you be able to spend time with everyone?" How the FUCK am I supposed to know. Yeah, I said it, but I'm telling it like it is. This is exactly why I've been avoiding this. I don't need to be questioned and made to feel awful by people I thought were once my friends. Maybe it just shows who my friends are. I don't know. I don't know anything at all anymore. I'm just tired. No, not sleepy, tired. Tired of everything.

On a lighter note, I started my p/t job at Hallmark tonight. Not bad, I just might be able to tolerate it. I need to go to bed now, maybe I'll get lucky and never wake up. At least my dreams are usually happier than my real life usually is.

Falling Slowly

Yay! "Falling Slowly" won an Oscar for best song last night! So excited for Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, they so deserve it. Also, so glad Jon Stewart let Marketa come back out and say her thank yous. I don't know why that movie had such an impact on me. Usually I don't like movies that don't end on happy notes, happy for me meaning that the two people end up together. Aren't movies in some way about escaping from reality and giving hope that fairy tales actually do come true once in a while? Maybe because it didn't have that typical happy ending is why I like it so much, that too often we are deceived by fairy tales and led to believe that we do not create our own destiny. In any case, the soundtrack fucking rocks and I highly encourage everyone to purchase it.

I emailed A today to tell her that I would finally meet with her to tell her what's been going on with me lately. Although, her responses through emails seem short with a sense of a slight attitude. Though, I know that it's email and hard to know what the other person is feeling when they write something. I had written something a couple months ago intending to send it to my friends so I didn't have to have this dreaded conversation face to face. This I think will help explain what's been going on...

"I know you think that I’ve been distancing myself from you, and you’re right, I have been. I’ve been purposely evading your emails, texts and phone calls. Aside from everything that’s been going on with work and my family, it’s hard to explain to you the other reasons I have been distant, because honestly, they mainly concern you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings or make it seem like it’s your fault that this is happening, because it’s totally not, it’s completely me. The way I feel when I am around you is so upsetting that it makes it difficult to hang out with or talk to you anymore.

When I’m around you, I hear about your lives and all of the things that you guys are doing that I wish I was doing in my own life, mostly involving relationships, but also your social lives with your other friends. I know that it is just a matter of geographic location that you have other friends to hang out with in the area, from high school or work or wherever, and I don’t. It just hurts to hear when you go out when I sit at home almost every weekend watching TV wishing that I had something to do that weekend. I know that we sometimes would meet up to go to dinner or go shopping, but I can do those things on my own, and I usually do. But Sunday afternoons or weekday nights are not the times that I feel most alone; it’s the weekend nights when it feels like everyone in the world is out having fun and I’m stuck at home alone. I feel like we became what I predicted years ago we would become-people that used to be friends in college. To me, a friend is someone that you talk to and hang out with on a weekly or even daily basis. Maybe this is unrealistic for everyone else but me because I am the only one who has nothing else to do. But I hate the way that we only get together once every few months. It’s just not the kind of friendship I want. When we do get together, all as a group, we often just sit around and catch up, which makes sense. I mean, why go to a crowded bar where we can’t hear each other talk and catch up with what’s going on in our lives? These are the only times that I get to go out though, and for me, it’s unfulfilling. I know you have sensed that in me before, where I get disappointed when all we do is sit around, meanwhile, I’m aching to get out, to get out of this stupid apartment that I spend all my time in.

I also have a hard time listening to your relationship problems or stories. As much as I want to be there as a friend and listen, I just can’t. It just hurts too much. I’m not saying that it is like gloating or being self-involved, but sometimes hearing about your love lives is torture. I hear about stupid little problems, which of course I know in a normal relationship are not stupid and happen everyday, but when told to me, are so trivial. I would kill to have a stupid problem if it meant that there was someone in my life I loved to have a stupid problem with. I am happy for you, but that aspect of our friendship has become one-sided. I have nothing to give back, whether advice, my own experience, or whatever. I feel years behind everyone else. In the end, all I end up feeling is jealous and resentful, not the best emotions to feel when you’re around your close friends.

I also feel like you guys do not understand the depth of my sadness when it comes to this part of my life. I feel like you guys can’t relate and even though everyone was in my situation at one point, I feel like you are all so far removed now, that you cannot possibly relate to what I’m going through. I feel like I have no one to talk to, at all, in this world. And even if there is some effort at trying to know what I’m going through, there is no real attempt. I’ve heard “oh, I think you might like___” or “I should introduce you to __” or “we should go out to this new bar” but without any follow up or thought. I’m not saying that I put anything on anyone else, because it’s not anyone else’s problem but my own. Yet, at the same time, I feel like nobody cares.

Again, it’s not that I don’t feel like you aren’t trying to understand what I’m going through and I don’t feel like you guys look at me any different. It’s completely on my end. I just feel like I don’t have anything in common with you guys anymore. At least when we were in college, I felt as if some of us were on the same level, that we could relate to each other and where we were in our lives, but since then, I just feel like I’m growing more and more apart from you and I feel like I can’t relate to any of you anymore. When I’m with you guys, I just end up feeling worse than when I’m not with you, which really sucks because a big part of what I’m feeling is loneliness. To be around people and still feel lonely shouldn’t happen, but it does when I’m with you. I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to explain this or make it better. I feel like it’s always going to be this way. I’m not saying all this to have you guys talk me out of or rationalize why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. Things are the way they are and no matter what anyone says to try and make me feel better, I can’t help the way I feel. Until I can figure out how to cope with this, I don’t know what else to do but distance myself from you guys."

Yeeaaaah, still don't know if I'll end up giving this to anyone. I dread the response from it-will it be pity? defense? I don't know, I'm not sure if I want to know. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to meet A this weekend. Ugh :o(

Impetus? Isn't that a skin rash?

So why oh why did I start this blog? I'm asking myself the same question as I type. I started to think about writing after reading QV's and ecrivain's because so much of what they were saying was what I was feeling too. Also, I feel like if I don't write I just might explode or implode, either way, not a pretty end. I have so much to say, to explain where I am right now, and I guess that it just comes with time and anecdotes that everything ties together and makes sense, and so I guess I just have to be patient. In the words of Inigo Montoya "I hate waiting." But, so be it.

Today was hard. For beginners, I'm sick. Not sure if it's a cold or the flu, but in any case, I feel like shit. I felt like shit, I should say, I am actually starting to feel better today, but Friday and Saturday were miserable. On top of that, I decided to rent some movies to watch while I nursed myself back to health. One was "Once," which at first I was disappointed in because of the ending, but after a while, I am now obsessed with it, especially the soundtrack. They're actually up for an Oscar tonight, so I hope they win. The other was "The Jane Austen Book Club." Inevitably, like most movies these days, unless they're a horror film or comedy, they mostly just make me cry. Any hint at other people being happy and in love is unbearable for me to watch. More on that to come later.

Then I call my mom to find out how babysitting my niece and nephew went, and she's completely upset with my father (again, another story) about not making sure my sister's dogs did not shit all over the house, which she's watching while my sister's new house is being renovated while she's living in temporary housing with her husband, 2 year old, meanwhile being 7 months pregnant (another story). She's also pissed at my brother and his wife because since my sister moved into the state, they have not once asked them to come visit, offer to babysit, or help with the new house. Hearing her so upset upsets me so much, especially being so far away from her.

Then I get texts from two of my friends A from home and A from college about not hearing from me in a while. A from home doesn't really know whats going on with me and my college friends. I haven't told her because, well, she's married with a kid, and I feel like she doesn't need to hear this. I don't know what to do about my college friends. I told A from college I would email her tomorrow, I still don't know what I will write. Ugh. At least the finale to "Pride and Prejudice" is on tonight. I know, I am so masochistic, what the hell is wrong with me?!

Kisses from God

So I thought I would start my new blog with an explanation of my title. When I was younger I used to get teased about my freckles. “Freckle-face” was the most popular. As a young girl I couldn’t figure out why freckles were bad or ugly or why I had to have them. Why was I born with something that other people considered hideous? My mother used to tell me that my freckles were kisses from God. So clever, not a bad one, Mom. At first this satisfied my wonderings. “Wow”, I thought, “God must love me a lot.” Later, as I grew up, I began to question that explanation. If God loved me so much, then why would He afflict me with something people consider unattractive? That’s not very nice of Him. There are plenty of other people that grow up to be universally acceptably beautiful, who don’t seem to have a very hard time of finding work, love, etc. If God loves me so much, why does He make it so hard for me to find love of my own? That question never stopped haunting me.


My freckles are not a cute thing to me.(That picture is obviously not me, just in case you were wondering.) They are not the speckled freckles across a model’s face, like Kate Moss, on which they would seem dainty. No, I have big, globby freckles. The ones that cover my entire body (except for where the sun don’t shine) and mush together to form even bigger freckles. In fact, when I was younger I remember being with my sister and seeing a women so covered in freckles like my own, that I wondered when she would be covered so much so that you would no longer see pale skin. This sickened me. I remember we laughed and were absolutely disgusted by the possibility. But what I didn’t realize then is that I am this woman, twenty years earlier in life. I must have thought about it a little, though. My mom still has a Christmas wish list that I wrote to Santa when I was about seven. On my wish list, I wrote “no more freckles” as one of my Christmas presents. My freckles haunt me, cover me, almost like a disease. I dread opening my eyes in the morning if they are near my own skin. I am frightened by it. It almost seems like I have a disease. Unless you have the same condition, it’s hard to relate.