Time flies when you're...doing nothing

So today is my anniversary. It's my 5 year anniversary of having been with anyone, kissed anyone, whatever. It's been 5 years and it feels like it's forever. My title is a lie, time doesn't fly, it goes by extremely painfully slow. It doesn't feel like yesterday; it feels like another lifetime. It feels like another life, another me. The person I am today, man, I can't even imagine myself in a situation where someone would kiss me, or be interested in kissing me, or be interested in me at all.

I still have my day planner from that year and in the back in the notes section where you would normally keep addresses and lists and whatnot, I wrote a little note to myself. I said "in a year where I have accomplished so much, finished my degree, got a full time job in a career that I loved and not just a job that I hated, it's funny that I feel suicidal." Funny how little things change. Even after five years I still feel the pain of that awful night, that blacked out decision. I'd take it all back. What does it really mean anyway? What am I really supposed to tell someone about that? I guess there's nobody to tell but all of you..few.

It still pains me to know that I even liked my gay coworker. I get mad at myself that I should've known somehow. I'm still having issues with drinking more than I should, mostly when hanging out after work with him. It's not so much that I'm upset that he's gay, because actually I'm liking him less and less as I get to know him, it's more that I let myself get my hopes up in the first place. I should've known better.

Even recently, I went on a pub crawl with a friend of mine and the instant we got there I saw this guy I liked and who was totally my type. I pointed him out at the second bar to my friend from across the room. Then, later, he ended up right near us and she said, "Oh, he's cute." I said, "I know, right." It was only later that I figured it out that she didn't realize it was the same guy. So, essentially, we thought the same guy was cute. We ended up talking to him by the fourth bar and hanging out with him the rest of the night. He just moved here from the midwest and didn't have many friends here. We walked to the train together and decided to exchange numbers. My friend gave her hers first but his train came and so I said I'd get his number from her and just text him so he'd have mine. Well, 2 minutes later he texted her saying "let me know if you want to hang out sometime." She goes, "what did he text you?". "Nothing." And so it was awkward then because she knew I liked him and knew it's been a long time for me and said she'd step back, but clearly he texted her, not me. And I didn't want to just text him to go out 1. if he liked her more and 2.because if he didn't like me, i'd still like to have him as a friend considering I am seriously lacking in male friends. But, in the end, it was all too weird, and nothing has happened.

And this is my life. I don't expect for anything else to happen given that I am more and more content to just sit on my ass in front of the TV weekend after weekend rather than subject myself to the bar scene with young girls wearing spandex mini dresses and heels trying to vie for the attention that I will never receive.

I guess I should look on the positive side of things. If I've made it 5 years, I can surely make it 10, and if I can make it 10 then I can surely make it 20. By then, I'm guessing that I'll be the one who ends up asking my parents to live with me since my brother and sister have families of their own. Then, I'll be the 50 year old who lives and cares for her 80 year old parents and I'll fill my time with that. Maybe it will even be less lonely then.

In the meantime, I'm considering getting a dog. I know that they're a lot of work, but sometimes I just want to come home from work and greet a face that's actually happy to see me and who will love me unconditionally.