New low

So I'm really bored. Not the "oh i have nothing to do" kind of bored. I'm bored with life right now. I miss excitement of going out and having stories and fun pictures, of meeting people, of feeling like there was potential out there. There's just not one person anywhere that is fulfilling that feeling and it really blows.

So, I haven't talked to T in forever. After our awkward lunch we emailed like twice but he was kind of weird, if not rude, so I stopped emailing him (since it was all on my end anyway) and haven't heard from him since.

But for some reason I did something very loserlike. Before I went out with him um, yeah, TWO years ago, I of course did my usual stalker routine online and found out the name of his ex-girlfiend. Psycho I know.

Well, tonight I decided to find her on the social networking site I just recently joined and didn't I find pics of T from when they were together, which is kind of weird don't you think to keep pics up of an ex especially considering she's dating someone new? But anyway, yeah, I found the pics and IIIII downloaded them to my computer. LOSER!!!

I'm so bored. Something HAS to change!

One of those days?

Did you ever have one of those days where all of your insecurities come barreling at you at the speed of light to the point of paralysis? Yeah. I'm having one of them. I know what the trigger was, although it's completely unrelated to anything that I'm feeling right now.

I was taking a class in something related to what my dept does, but something I have no part of directly. I was taking more for fun/information. Well, the class is way above my head technically speaking, and after trying to explain my final project idea to my professor, she talked to me so condescendingly that I felt like a complete imbecile. Yeah, I cried as I left the building. And yeah, I withdrew the second I got home. I feel like there's no need as an adult in my situation to let anyone or anything make me feel that way. EVER.

It just brought up feelings of inadequacy in terms of my intelligence, which then led to insecurity about my looks, social life, love life, you name it, the snowball effect. Once you get going, you can't really stop.

I saw my therapist today at lunch and she was telling me about all of the progress I have been making by reconnecting with my friends and letting them into my life again. She said that it was good that I was trying to think more logically and not let my resentment and anger cripple me the way I let it in the past. Joining the social site and volunteering are good ways to put myself out there. Though, I feel like an investor in today's economy, all my effort has gone to shit. I'm putting so much in and not getting anything in return. I feel like you can only take so much before you hit rock bottom and someone has to literally bail you out.

I feel like I'm in the exact same spot as I was when I was 25, 20, even 15. I've grown physically, well, that's not even true. I grew to my current size when I was 12 and have the stretch marks to prove it.

I guess I have gained some knowledge, although, I quickly forget almost everything that has ever been taught to me...kind of defeats the whole education process, no? I feel like I continually hide the fact that I don't know what people around me are talking about and quickly changing the subject to my area of knowledge: pop culture.

Psychologically, I feel like a child, always the baby of the family who can't do anything by herself, always relying on the parents for help, because real adults have gone through relationships and have relied on boyfriends or friends for that stuff, right?

Emotionally, same deal. I've had no experience that would have enabled me to grow into the real "me." You know when people talk about how it's the people they've met and loved that have made them who they are? Yeah, I don't get that concept because all I've known is the same I've known since forever. I don't know how I act when faced with confrontation. I don't know if I'm a jealous person. I don't know if I like PDA or not. I don't know about forgiving and making up. I haven't had the experiences to make me "me." Maybe I'm not even the real "me" yet. What if I never become "me?"

Someone needs to go to bed...

So cranky

So even though I just got back from visiting C she randomly came out this weekend and stayed with my friend M. Everyone made an effort to go see C and we all talked about how D just got engaged and how we don't like her fiance, blah blah blah. Well, A, who is def the maid of honor, said that D will definitely ask C to be in the wedding. M thought that D might ask me too. Don't get me wrong, I am totally relieved that she isn't planning on asking me, but it got me thinking.

All I could think about after that was that not one of my "friends" from this group has or will likely ask me to be in their weddings. I know that there are family obligations and with some groups of girls you can't ask just some girls and not others because it might get caddy, but we're not like that. Everyone so far will invite one or two to be in the wedding, it will just never be me. That kind of upsets me to know that I'm not close enough to any one of them in that way.

Likewise, I don't know who of them, if any, I would ask to be in my wedding. That got me even more depressed because my family is so F'd up that I prolly couldn't even invite 2/3 of them because of family drama. Then, I don't even think my sister would want to be my maid of honor. AND even IF I get married, by the time it happens, my friends will be so old and probably pregnant that they wouldn't even want to be bridesmaids at that point.

Then somehow the conversation led to sex and pregnancy, which I love since I have so much to contribute. Couple that with the fact I slept horribly on couches two nights in a row and woke up super early, the hoards of traffic I hit coming home, assholes cutting me off and my pigsty of an apt I came home to, which I can only blame myself for, and I am in a FINE mood. Can you tell? Haha.

And oh, I learned that in addition to possibly fucking Gary and keeping Eric on hold until he comes back from Iraq (she couldn't figure anything out with him so far away, please), K is apparently fucking some other guy that she knows. So shady I think, but why do I care? It's not what I want, but, still, the fact that she is stringing three different guys along (the fact that she can get three guys to want her even) really annoys me.

So glad it's Sunday and I have to wake up early and go to work tomorrow. =)

Why do I even care?

So this past weekend I decided to visit C out of state in the midwest. Wow, no offense to anyone living out that way, but what a difference from living in a major city on the east coast. What is it with college football anyways? So having nothing else to do but talk, C revealed something to me that I thought was pretty shocking.

Let me start with some backstory first. So, back in college C had a thing for this guy, lets call him Gary. So they made out a bit but things never took off and they remained friends, to this day. Junior year Gary and K spent time hanging out over the summer and got really close and eventually started dating. They dated for 5 years! until a point in their relationship when K revealed she had feelings for this friend of hers, let's call him Eric. Honestly, I never thought that she was completely committed to Gary and she always hung out with a lot of guy friends, Eric included. Well, Gary did NOT take it well, even revealing to C that he hated her and suspected she had been cheating on him and could never trust her again. (Gary and C have kept in touch this whole time.)

So, I had lunch with A last weekend and she asked me if K and Gary were fucking. I was like WHAT? Hell no! Gary hates K, I mean, as far as I know anyways. I know after they broke up (about 2 years ago now) that she moved to the same town as him, actually just about 2 blocks away from him, but I don't think that had anything to do with him, just that she liked that part of town. Well, I mentioned this to C this weekend saying "isn't that weird that she would think that?" She then told me that K told her that her and Gary had actually made out recently..shocking. I never saw that one coming. I think it's a horrible idea if they are fucking, because honestly when do 'friends with benefits' ever work out and if they are doing just that without being back together someone, if not both of them, are going to get hurt, which I don't want to see, obviously.

Anyways, in the course of this conversation, I don't know how it came about, but C tells me that Gary visited her out in the midwest about a year ago. I thought that was totally weird. I mean, yeah they're friends, but close enough to spend $250 on airfare to say hi to? Weird. Well, she then revealed that she ended up having sex with him while he was there. Wow.

I was shocked. I did my best not to reveal this. I mean, she is an adult capable of making her own decisions and who am I to judge her, but it wasn't so much of her having a one night stand that shocked me. I think it had more to do with the fact that she had the opportunity to do that with someone she knew and trusted and felt comfortable with. Here I am knowing nobody, let alone any guy friends I would want to do that with. I don't know, I can't explain it, but I definitely felt jealousy. I don't want a one night stand though, so I don't get why I'd be jealous of that. Maybe it's just knowing she's slept with another person expanding the gap between her and myself and is one-upping me? I don't want to be one of those kinds of girls who keeps score, all I want is one really. The right one, obviously.

I mean, C and K are the only two other single girls from my group and if K is fucking Gary and C doesn't seem to be having a problem getting laid, even it was by Gary haha, then what the fuck is wrong with me?

I need to stop talking about this. In happier news, one of my friends, D, is engaged! Barf. One more down the tubes. Not that I envy her situation, her boyfriend is a loser. But, before long I can just see A getting engaged, K getting back together with Gary and me being the only loser girl on the east coast who can't get a date or get laid when she wants one/to.

Bottom of the barrel

So tomorrow was supposed to be the last day of my eHarmony subscription. I logged in today to cancel it and realized that they automatically signed me up for another month (which isn't cheap) and charged my credit card. Damn bastards. I remember match did that to me once too. Sneaky as hell. I wrote them two emails demanding that they cancel the charge. On a side note, I am beginning to be leery of all online transactions. My student loan company also sketches me out by not sending me reminder notices (even though I'm signed up to receive them) then doesn't tell me when my account is past due. I feel like everyone is out to get my money! Grrr.

Anyway, so aside from that little annoyance, I am really bummed out that I had even less success through that site than other sites. Not one solid communication, not one. After the first month of so-so matches, I realized I was hitting the bottom of the barrel when I started getting matched with guys that were 3 inches shorter than me or who had kids, both which I rated as being important factors to me. Then I just got the freebie ones I think, who didn't have pics and had one-liner answers on their profile. Yeah, like I'm going to want to talk to you. Then there were the ones who answered the question, "What are you passionate about?" with "sex" or the ones who answered the question, "What are you thankful for?" with 1. sex 2. condoms 3. orgasms. Wow, so deep, can I date you? Please? PLEASE?!

I'm feel like I'm falling back into my depressed, or should I say disappointed feelings from before. Even though I feel like I'm able to tolerate being around my friends again, I still haven't been in a situation where I've had to hang out with them and their significant others, so I'm not sure how that will play out. I'm just so disappointed in my social life. Even though I meet the friends for a drink or lunch or dinner, etc. we never socialize with anyone else, try to meet new people. For example, I went out with some coworkers Tuesday night and K met me. I said something about checking out the room or talking to people, but she wasn't really receptive. That really stinks considering she's the only single friend I have who lives near me. I feel like she never wants to do that with me. I'm wondering now if she's secretly seeing someone or if she goes out with her "other" friends to do that. Who knows.

Then, other people just have so much crap going on. D is studying for her CPA, A is trying to finish her PhD, M and C live in other states, and B is married living in the suburbs and I never get the impression she's ever interested in going out. She's more the type to want to sit in a booth and chat and then is tired after 2 beers and wants to go home. I don't know how it feels to be in a relationship and have single friends because I've obviously never been in that situation, but I would hope that I would be supportive of them in trying to meet people or would go out with them and be there for them, just like you were there when they were single. It just seems like nobody cares anymore once they're all set.

I feel like I'm at a loss. The social meeting site has been slack with meetings that interest me and the volunteer group I joined hasn't really had anything yet that interests me either. I feel like I was putting out a good effort there for a while, but it just gets so hard when you put yourself out there and nobody is receptive. You don't click with people and you just end up back where you started, so what's the point?

I joined a social networking site, but it's so depressing. First, I have so fewer friends than any of my other friends, then I can see other people's pics and what they're up to and it just makes me realize how much I am not doing. My most recent pics of going out are from 2 years ago...and they were from weddings, my most recent pics of actually going out are from like 3-5 years ago. Then, ugh, the most annoying thing I find is that people's profile pics are of them and their partner. It's your profile, not the couple's profile. I don't know why, but that so bugs me. Maybe I'd feel differently if it were me, but to me it's just an extra reminder of "hey, look at me, I'm in a relationship and you're not!" I'm such a bitch. The only thing that I've been posting on my site recently is going out for drinks after work, which, trying to look at it objectively kinda makes me appear like a loser drunk with nothing better to do after work and certainly nothing or nobody to go home to.

Speaking of going out with coworkers, I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately, which I'm not crazy about. I am not a fan of mixing work and personal stuff. I practically made a fool out of myself Tuesday, well, in my eyes I did, even though my coworker said I was fine. I just don't want to embarass myself and lose respect of anyone I work with.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. I am just feeling really hopeless lately. It's coming up on two years since my incident with the stranger and that was the last time I even kissed someone. I feel like I wouldn't even know what to do now. Maybe I won't have to worry about it anyway. It might be time to get a cat...or a hundred.

Figures

So, again, the reason for the lack of posts is the lack of anything major to talk about. The meetings through the social networking site are pretty sparse lately. Not sure why, maybe because summer is over and the weather just doesn't lend itself to getting together?

With my attempts to go out with my friends more, I did end up going out on Saturday night with D. We met up with her brother on a pubcrawl in my hometown. I don't really like her bro that much, but figured she doesn't see him that often and it would be nice to say hi. Well, he'd been on the pubcrawl all day, so when we met up with him, he was more than shitfaced. Did I mention he's kinda racist and a prick? Haha. Soooo, in an effort to get the F out of there and as far away from him as possible, I suggested we meet up with K at a bar in town even though I was kind of annoyed with her.

Sidenote: K was weird as shit earlier in the day. I thought she invited me to go watch the Head of the Charles regatta. I must've misinterpreted her because what she must've said was that she was going..with her other friends. In the end she told me she was a tack on invite with a group and didn't feel it was her place to invite me. Whatever weirdo.

So anyway, we meet up with K at the bar and the baseball game is almost over. K didn't seem to be too thrilled we were there, which was also weird and annoying. As soon as the game ended, she said she was leaving. Whatever, see ya! D and I ended up talking to the group they were hanging out with and it ended up being kinda fun. Then, out of nowhere, a bunch of people who went to college with us showed up. These people, I might add, were all friends with D, longtime love of my life. I was talking to his friend, who didn't remember me [I feel like I am one of those unforgettable people that nobody ever remembers. I just joined this other social networking site and I have like no friends compared to my friends and no one asks me to be their friend sigh], and he was like "you know D is into guys, right?" SAY WHAT?? Then he goes, "no, no, i'm just kidding." So, wait, is he or isn't he???? What guy jokes that his friend is gay? I mean, this kid WAS wasted, but that isn't something you joke about. So, then I said, "But he dated [poser freak girl] in college for like a year." "Oh, her? she's a lesbian." SAY WHAT?

I don't know what to think. All I know is that I possibly could have spent 3 years of my life pining after a guy who had absolutely no interest in me...and he never even hinted at that. If he had and I knew I had no shot, maybe I would've moved on, maybe I would've met other guys, maybe I would've actually had a relationship, maybe even an emotional and *shock* a sexual one, and maybe I wouldn't be where I am right now...miserable, alone, inexperienced, and despondent.

Bad day

Today was bad. Really bad. I don't even know why. You know when you wake up and you just know that the day is going to suck? I'm also PMSing big time, but usually that doesn't affect me much. I was literally on the verge of tears all day. Everything I did or anyone I talked to almost set me off. It was all I could do to not have a breakdown.

I had class tonight too, I decided to take this computer class that is sort of related to the work my department does but which is kind of above my head. Well, during the class the prof did a 20min demo to show us stuff for our homework that night. It took me the whole 20min to fucking find, unzip, and open the file. By the time I finally got it to work, I had missed the entire thing.

Needless to say, when I got home (after I had a slight meltdown) I headed straight for the margarita mix I had frozen in my freezer from my Saturday night dinner party. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if it's spilling over from Saturday or if it's something else. I went out for drinks last night with some coworkers and the 40yr old single coworker went too. I think part of me is scared shitless of ending up like her. Because, honestly, we have so much in common it's scary.

At least I can have some comic relief watching the VP debate :)

Nothing to report

I've been pretty MIA lately with no good reason except that there's nothing to report. My life is pretty boring these days. I had a cold last week which infringed on my socializing through the social networking site. I was hoping to get back into the swing of things, but there haven't been many events that have interested me.

The only thing that did happen recently was I had three friends over for dinner and drinks on Saturday. It was nice, we ate, talked, played board games. It felt nice to just talk to them and feel like things were back to "normal." Although, after they left and the whole next day I was kind of in a funk. I think that what had the most affect was when I told them about "Ross" from the pubcrawl. They all thought it was pretty funny. I mean, it is funny I guess, but at the same time, this is my life. This is what I as a single woman in my late twenties has to deal with. That to me is not funny. They have husbands or boyfriends to go home to and tell this funny story to, they don't have to go home and cry afterwards because this is a glimpse at what's out there nowadays without any other potential prospects.

And so it seems that the resentment is still alive, it's not as strong as it once was, but it still does get to me more than I'd like. I'm not sure what else to do with myself. I've been particularly weepy this week, but I think it's just PMS. I've also been having trouble falling asleep at night. I just can't get my mind to stop going.

Oh, I guess one other thing to note is that I joined a pretty well known social utility site. Ugh. I joined a long time ago and quit saying I would never join again because I found myself being sucked into it completely. Well, a friend said she would only join if I did and she clearly wanted to, so I did. I already regret it. I just don't see any good coming from it. Anyhow, in the search for finding people, I found D. I don't know why I friended him, it just ends up making me feel nostalgic and sad. In any case, I've been dreaming about him a lot lately, which is awesome. Not.

Sigh. I'm so ready for something else. Something other than this. Anytime would be good. How about now? No? Okay. Now? What about now?

A shoulder to cry on

This post is in response to ecrivain's post. It was getting too long for a comment and it had a lot of stuff I wanted to say, so here it is:

i don't want to say i know "exactly" how you feel, because i think everyone is entitled to their individual feelings and feeling like you own them? if that makes any sense. because we all have moments when we feel like "nobody else can possibly feel like i do know," and it's true, because i haven't lived your life. but just know that there are people out there who've felt that feeling too-like, nobody, NOBODY, feels this or gets me.

i had the same realization you had when i graduated college. i remember i sobbed like a baby the night before my college graduation. my roommate told someone, "oh, she's just sad we're graduating." i said, "no, that's not why." it was because i was in total disbelief that i was nowhere near where i thought i would be at that age. i thought i would've met someone in those 4 years, lost my virginity, matured, figured out my career path...and none of it was true. i cried the whole drive back home too. i had to make my mom drive my car because i was so hysterical. she thought what my roommate thought. i let her believe it.

i have a feeling that i will feel the same things near my 30th, that i'm not where i'm supposed to be or want to be. it's something my therapist called me out on. she told me i gauge myself too much against other people and societal expectations. I disagree with her though; it's not just about other people and being normal, it's about wanting what any normal human being would want-love and acceptance.

it sucks, i did nothing for my bday this year. when my coworkers asked what i did for my bday, all i could say was "my parents took me out for dinner." (woohoo) no party, no big gift, no hullaballoo...but there never is a big to do about me.

even in my family, i feel like i've gotten the shaft. in my parent's home are my brother's wedding pics, my sister's wedding pics, pics of my niece and nephews, pics of my siblings' families, and my brother and sister's grad school pics. yeah, maybe i chose not to go to my grad school graduation, but really, i didn't think anyone would come, especially my siblings and their kids-too crazy with all the youngins, ya know. literally, i'm in two pics in my parent's house. one is me standing next to my sister in her cap and gown and another is me with my brother and his wife. but to me, it's more like i'm some random person in the background of a photo, i just happened to be there. it's like if you aren't married or have kids, what have you really accomplished? at least in my parents' eyes.

Practice makes perfect?

So, if you don't want to know about the followup to this post, I suggest you stop reading now. I figured I couldn't just leave you wondering, right? Well, I have to say, I was not a happy camper in the beginning for obvious reasons and was pretty upset that all of my anxiety was turning out to be pretty valid. However, I have to say that after a few more tries, it is getting better, not great, but a little better. The suggestions in that post are definitely true to the bone and it really makes a world of difference. I can't say that I am actually enjoying it, but it's not horrible either. We'll see how it goes. I have to say though, if you're thinking about it, or if you have the same anxieties I had/have, it might well be worth it. I actually feel a whole lot better about it now. I mean, I'm sure when/if the moment ever arises again, I'll still freeze in fear, but at least I can feel a little more prepared.

One thing my therapist told me, which I think makes a lot of sense, is that in order to get over your anxieties, you need to expose yourself little by little to the thing that makes you anxious so that you get accustomed to it and learn how to conquer it. Practice makes perfect. We'll see about perfect, I'll settle for painlessly uncomfortable.

Really? This is it?

So tonight I went to one of the meetings for this social networking site. It was a pubcrawl tonight for 25-35 year olds. Forgive me if my typing is atrocious, but I've been drinking since 7pm. So I recognized some people from previous meetings, which was good, and met some new people that were pretty nice and some other people who were pretty weird. So, immediately I noticed this one guy, D, who was pretty cute standing close by. Well, we talked for a bit initially, but then we separated and talked to a bunch of other people within the group.

So, unlike other pubcrawls I've been to, this one was pretty different, we only went to 4 bars. At the last bar, the guy, D, was talking to me more and the more we talked the more I realized he was really drunk. The reason I could tell was because he got weirder and weirder as he got drunker. He was just saying really odd stuff. Anyway, at the last bar he was touching my knee and legs more and more and pressing himself more up against me, which honeslty, was like a breath of fresh air; I mean it felt nice to know that someone was actually showing signs of interest.

Although, at this last bar, there was a dance floor and me and another girl decided to go dance to the eighties music and D decided to follow us and dance. Omigod, he was by far the WORST dancer I've ever seen, doing these weird moves I've never seen before. So this other girl and I were trying our best not to laugh, but I know dancing is not most guy's strong suit.

So then we took a break and were chatting and this guy says to me, "I just want to let you know that I have an ex-wife who's gay and I have a child with her. I'm telling you this because I like you." I was like uh...okay. I mean, I had nothing prepared to say to that. What do you say to that? I actually said, "oh, so you're like Ross from Friends?" Ridiculous. I mean really, is this all that's left out there for me? Do I have to deal with divorcees now? with children? I mean, I know I should be open-minded, but this is just so much baggage for me. Sigh. I'm so drunk, I'm going to bed now.

Hating this

So, it hasn't even been a full week of being 28 and I'm already hating it. I just hate that I'm another year closer to 30 and I still have never had a boyfriend, not even close, and have never been in love. I am trying so hard to resolve my issues of resentment towards my friends for having experienced those things, but it's still so hard.

I hate that none of them have had to go through, what I consider, the grueling process of online dating. I know that it totally works for some people, but for me, I don't know what the problem is. Not only do I feel like I'm trying to sell myself, and I'm not that good of a salesman, but I feel like I'm not a good buyer either. Part of me thinks that I might be slightly asexual because I don't find any of these guys attractive, not even remotely. Eharmony probably thinks I'm a freak for denying all of the matches they're sending my way.

I think part of the problem is that usually I'm attracted to someone after I've gotten to know them, finding a particular part of their personality appealing, and that's virtually impossible via the internet. Part of the problem I think lies a little deeper than I'm willing to admit to anyone, even my therapist, which sucks because you should be able to tell your therapist everything, right? I feel even scared saying it here because, well, it's embarrassing.

I think I'm scared to even start a relationship. I'm not scared of commitment, I'm not scared of compromising, or even giving up my single lifestyle. I'm scared of the intimacy, mostly, obviously, relating to my sexual past, or lack thereof. Not only do I not want to talk about it, I'm scared shitless of doing it again. I had a horrible first experience and am almost happy it was with someone I know I will never see again. When I describe it as horrible, I don't even mean because it was with someone I didn't know, it was because I was so mortified by being unprepared. What if that was someone I really liked, I just don't think I could handle that kind of mortification again. I mean, all of my friends were younger and could say, "I'm not ready." A lot of them waiting 3 months, 6 months, even a year and because they were so young, it wasn't out of the ordinary. Now, at this age, I feel like women are pressured to give it up after the third date and if not, well, then, what's wrong with you?

So, I was being paranoid and looked up some stuff online. And I've read that it all mostly depends on how prepared you are, like how aroused you are, what they really stress a lot is, um, lube, but also if you still have an intact hymen, that could be a problem too. So, don't think I'm gross, but on my birthday, mind you I was a little tipsy and depressed from my bday bottle-o-wine, I decided to buy this. (You are the only ones who know this as I am so embarrassed I might die.) Thinking that maybe if I was more prepared, I wouldn't freak out as much. Omigod, what was I thinking? That shit hurt. And, it all happened again, good thing I laid down a towel first. So what if that was a guy in my bed? I mean, honestly, there have been times where I wanted to text T and tell him to come over and get me good and fucked, and now I am so glad I never did. Uh, the utter humiliation, could you imagine?

Uh, I was crying as I took a shower feeling completely like a loser and a freak. So, after MORE online paranoid googling, I think I have this. Don't laugh, I'm serious. What if it's true? I will never pursue a relationship out of sheer embarrassment.

Sorry, I keep thinking of this Princess Bride moment (you're thinking, what could possibly be the connection?) where Inigo Montoya says to Mad Max "Humiliation GALORE!" Ha.

Birth and worth

So today is my birthday and I successfully managed to avoid anyone, aside from my friends and family, from finding out and therefore from any focused attention.

Sidebar: I seriously hate my birthday. I've had a long string of bad birthdays and try to avoid it at all costs, not to mention the whole Peter Pan syndrome. My idea of a good bday: A dreamy date with an entire bottle of wine tonight.

I went out to get a coffee this afternoon and bought a CD and debated whether or not I should buy it. I feel like I've been spending a lot of money lately going to these meetings on the social site and grabbing dinner with people to catch up. I hate it because I really do want to save money for a condo or a house. In the end, I decided that it was my birthday and I deserved it, so I bought it (Conor Oberst's new CD of course).

Well, that got me thinking (prolly not a healthy line of thinking at that) as to what constitutes worth. When you think about it, it's really all relative. I think I deserve a stupid CD because why? Because it's my birthday? Because I'm a good person? I mean, I am a good person. I try to be good anyway. It's not like I go around yelling at people for no reason or purposely walking into people. I pay my bills on time. I don't park in handicap parking. I recycle, sometimes. I just joined two volunteer organizations, I mean I sort of had alterior motives to meet people and get out of the house, but still. I tip well. I'm not out there saving the world, but come on? Who has time for that? But, you really can't rely on this kind of logic because if I was a good person, wouldn't I deserve to be happy? Deserve love?

Then, when you think about the things, material or not, that other people have it can almost drive you nuts. Why does this horrible person deserve to have things that I want when I am a way better person? Not even horrible people, just regular people who don't do anything in particular that's so special, they get to be happy. I'm just as non-special and non-saintly as them, what's so different about us? Then again, compared to some, say Mother Teresa, you could argue that I deserve nothing. Ugh, needless to say, I just felt guilty after my purchase. I continue to blame my Catholic upbringing, at least I'm not blaming myself, right? If I did, I'd prolly go insane.

What it all boils down to

I'm lonely.

I don't care how much I try to resolve/repair my relationships with my friends, at the end of the day, I'm still lonely.

No matter how many social events I now try to pack into my schedule through this social site, when I come home after it, I'm lonely.

When I try to focus my energy on improving me as a person, my soul, when I'm finished, I'm still lonely.

Focusing on creating a life without depending on a man doesn't make me feel strong, it makes me feel lonely.

I'm really tired. No Mom, not sleepy tired, TIRED as in exhausted, done, finished, I said NO MORE! I'm tired of spending all of my time at home in my apartment alone. I'm tired of going to bed alone, waking up alone. I'm tired of making all of my own meals, being the only one who cleans, does all of the grocery shopping, of never going out to eat because I have nobody to go with. I'm tired of not caring what I look like because really who am I trying to impress? I'm tired of never being able to go on vacation because I have no one to go with. I'm tired of celibacy. I'm tired of hoping my future will someday change, but feeling like it never will. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of pity. I'm tired of telling people or the IRS that I'm single. I'm SO TIRED of this! There should be an unspoken universal statute of limitations on how long someone can feel this way. Maybe 15 years? That would work perfect for me. I'm ready for this to end.

I'm turning 28 in two days, which might be spurring these feelings or it might just be another Saturday when I'm stuck at home alone with no plans, but I think this is just me, writing because I'm tired (the sleepy kind) and because I'm just fucking tired.

Finding peace

I met A last night for dinner. I initiated it, I really felt like I needed to get stuff off my chest and let her know how I was feeling. We chit chatted for a while, catching up on stuff, but I never felt like there was a good segway to say what I wanted to say. We paid the check and it felt like we were going to leave, but I realized that I asked her here for a reason and that I shouldn't waste an opportunity like this.

So I began by bringing up how I met with K and how that went and eventually got in deep with how I felt like she was blowing me off for her bf or at least feeling like he was more important than me. She, like D, didn't even remember the night I thought she blew me off. She was so surprised that I remembered it and held onto it for so long. She admitted that yeah, maybe she was spending a lot of time with him because it was so new for her. She did say she had no excuse for being rushed the morning after I lost it and I told her how it hurt when she said why she was late. She did say that it was extremely insensitive of her. The thing I thought was weird though, was that she never said "I'm sorry." Maybe by admitting her actions it was an apology in and of itself, but I just thought that was weird.

Whatever, at least now I know that she knows. And I'm not saying that I don't resent her anymore or that I'm not still jealous of having what she has, but at the same time, I don't feel like she's that close of a friend anymore, so I feel like I don't care as much as I once did.

Speaking of my meeting with K, I have to say, it might have been one of the most constructive talks I've ever had with anyone. I literally spilled my guts, laid it all on the table, and was willing at that point to either try and repair our friendship or walk away saying "we had a good run for a while, but sometimes good things come to an end." I told her how I felt like she used me to do certain things and how I felt ignored when she went out with other groups of friends and didn't invite me along. I told her how I felt like she sometimes would talk down to me. I did this all with tact and in my "feelings" way that I learned in my class, stressing how "when this happens, or when you say this, or when you do this, this is how I feel," regardless of what you meant to do or say, and regardless of what the actual reality was. So, she listened and she let me know some things that she was unhappy with me about, which I obviously had no idea she was feeling.

In the end, I apologized for things I was unaware of, she apologized for things she was unaware she was doing and we both (I hope) felt better about the situation. I hope that I can move forward with everyone in a new way, not relying so much on them to be the people I hoped they would be, but just let them be the friends that they can be and accept that.

Enough already!

So I went to a lunch/bridal shower today for a coworker who's getting married in about two weeks. First of all, the couple sickens me. They are so frickin beautiful it's ridiculous. My coworker is like 5'10" and model skinny and model beautiful and her bf is blond, gorgeous and to top it off has this crazy WASPy American name. At our department cookout a couple weeks ago they were playing croquet (I don't know who brought it) and they looked like they were right out of a J.Crew ad, no, Ralph Lauren. Barf.

Second of all, I'm really getting sick of all this single-spotlight bullshit. We were there not twenty minutes when our director starts with "Ok, who's going to be next? You're single, you, you, etc." I wanted to crawl under the table and die.

My 40 yr old single coworker was sitting next to me telling my about her bad blind date from Sunday, which provoked the guy sitting next to me (about my age) to ask me if I had a bf. I said no. He went on to tell me he just broke up with his gf, but met someone new on match. "You should try it." "Yeah, I did." I replied. "Oh." He said with a look of such pity that I wanted to run out of the restuarant screaming.

Highs and lows, the ebb and flow

So like last week was busy, this week was incredibly slow. All my plans either fell through or I backed out of. I didn't got to the info session Tuesday, A backed out of dinner on Wednesday (she said she had to work late, and why can't I help but think she ditched me for something else, something better?), and then I totally backed out of the happy hour thing on Thursday. I was so tired, this week has been crazy at work.

By the end of the week, though, I was itching to get out, to do something, anything. I even got all Secret-y and envisioned getting back from a meeting and hearing a text or voicemail or checking my email and seeing someone ask me to do something. A little bit ambitious, I know, since I'm only at the start of the mend of my old friendships and it's not like I know anyone else. Big surprise, "You have no new messages."

Today was absolutely beautiful out and again I hoped someone somewhere would ask me to do something. Nothing. I ended up cleaning my entire apartment, which, don't get me wrong, is something I get great satisfaction from, but it's not exactly the same, ya know. I guess there's always the option of me asking them, but I think I don't feel confident enough to do that yet. After last week of asking to see everyone of my friends (except B) I feel like I'm moving too fast. Man, that sounds stupid, but it's just how I feel about the situation right now. B is a totally different story...but more on that later.

Anyways, I need to do more. I thought about just taking a book and myself to the Common to read, just to get out of the house. Somehow, it just seems like it takes so much effort.

I had lunch with two coworkers yesterday, one of whom was the one who openly talked about joining eharmony. She asked me if I'd done match, in front of the other coworker, which I thought was a little rude. What if I didn't feel comfortable talking about that? Whatever. Anyway, we were talking and she kept saying that I was so much like her, only younger. She's 40 and still single. Man, that scared me. What if I am just like her? What if that is me in 10 years? She's successful in her career and was engaged a long time ago and said she doesn't regret not getting married. Is she happy now though? That I don't know. I'm not so sure she is.

I just want my life to change. I know I keep beating a dead horse here, but I just want my life to be fun and exciting with friends to go out with and a man to come home to. I feel like lately I keep hearing that you have the love life you want or that if you want to be in love, you will be. Yeah, very Secret-ish. I feel like I've wanted it for so long though. Could I be lying to myself? Do I actually enjoy being by myself, moping, crying, longing for a man? I don't know anyone who would want those things. Sucky thing is lately I can't stop thinking about T. I'm sure it's just because I had lunch with him two weeks ago and then I saw him Wednesday at another seminar thingy at work. It was working better before when I didn't see him for like six months. Out of sight, out of mind type of thing.

I actually wouldn't mind a new distraction, even if he was well out of my reach. At least I could get my mind off T, who is a lost cause. I definitely need more distractions, men or otherwise, to get my mind off the loneliness, the boredom. I'm not sure which is more painful.

The short version...almost.

So much to blog, yet so tired. I think this past week has been a turning point for me. I went home for the weekend to see J (a friend from high school who now lives in Korea with her Air Force husband) and I just got back, so here's the short version. I'll prolly expand later.

I met K on Wednesday night. Cleared a ton of air. I feel WAY better after getting all that shit off my chest. Seriously, the book from my 8/9 post helped so much. Thursday I went to the bar and actually had a lot of fun. I met a lot of nice people that were way more normal than the Monday night people. I emailed M to see if maybe on my way home this weekend I could stop and see her, but then found out she was away on vacation. She called me Friday afternoon to say she was away and didn't want to think I was ignoring her. It actually felt ok to talk to her. Then, Friday night, I met D aka Miss Oblivious for dinner. I had intended to talk to her about how I feel like she's so self-absorbed, but I took advice from my therapist and decided to lower my expectations of her as a close friend and realized that even though she's fun to hang out with, she'll prolly never be a super close friend I can depend on in that way. I also emailed C to say hello and see if maybe I could visit her in the midwest. She hasn't replied, but I think she was away at a wedding.

I still want to talk to A about how I feel like she was blowing me off for her bf, which D actually mentioned she felt like A was doing to her. So, at least I don't feel alone in that respect. I think I really need to let go seeing A as such a close friend, because as much as I had in common with her before, that's gone now. Plus, I feel like she changed a lot since she started dating her bf, and maybe she can't be that close friend to me anymore. It sucks because, in my mind, I lost a close friend, but if her decision is to spend the majority of her time with her bf and put him before anyone else in her life, then I don't need someone like that constantly disappointing me and I will choose other people to be close with who won't treat me like that.

I know that this doesn't sound like me at all haha, but I'm slightly more optimistic about the future of my relationships with my friends than I was a week ago. I feel like a big part of why I felt so alone and resentful was because I was harboring all of these negative feelings towards them that they didn't know about. I don't think it'll resolve my feelings of jealousy and bitterness, but I do think it'll help me talk to them more effectively about what's going on as opposed to just shutting them out. Plus, being able to almost rearrange the so-called org chart of my group of friends really helps put things in perspective.

That being said, I'm still going to continue to look for more friends, guys and girls, who I feel like I might have more in common with, or who will be around more often to satisfy the level of socialization that I want.

So this week will be almost as crazy with going to an info session on Tuesday about taking continuing ed classes at work, arranging to meet with A possibly Wednesday or Friday, and going to the happy hour event on Thursday. I'm exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, I actually feel good.

Feeling weak

So I went to the Princess Bride quote along last night and I have to admit it was kinda fun, mostly because I love the movie and loved shouting out the lines and waving my inflatable sword at the screen. But, there were lots of dorks there, lots of dorks. I have nothing against dorks, on some levels I consider myself a dork, I even find slightly dorky guys incredibly hot, but these guys were hard core. I just don't think they're the type of people I think I could connect with on a deeper level.

So K emailed me back and we're going to meet tomorrow night. I'm so anxious about it, because I know it probably won't go well, but I figure I should just do it and then I really won't have to always wonder if I could've done something. D aka Miss Oblivious sent me a text message after B's bbq and said she missed my company, which I thought was a weird sentiment, but I haven't seen her since October, so I asked her to meet me next friday. I don't know what it is, if I'm just missing people who know me and know my past instead of having to always deal with people I can't open up to.

I don't know if it'll make anything better or worse. I know I still have some things to say to A that I never told her in January that I still think about, so obviously, they're still bugging me. I remember last May she invited me to go to this bar with her and D. I said yeah, and was really excited about it. I even joked "maybe you can help me find a boyfriend" although, there was definitely a ton of truth in that comment. Anyways, later in the day, she emailed me and said plans fell through and they weren't going anymore. Then she said, "But I'm going to a party with my bf in [name of obscure town out in the boonies], wanna come?" I felt so hurt and blown off. If D bailed, why couldn't the two of us just go? It made it seem like she was choosing her bf over me. And it hurt since I specifically made that comment too. I don't know. I still think about that. Plus. The morning after losing my V, which was a pretty horrible experience, she came to drop off my cell phone to me and proceeded to say sorry she was late, she was just having sex with her bf for two hours. Thanks. 1. TMI 2. Maybe you didn't know that it was horrible, but I mean come on, it was a pretty big event for me, she didn't even ask me about it. I just felt again, her bf seemed more important to her than me. Am I overreacting here?

Anyways, I still have tons of resentment and I feel like most of it is directed towards her. I don't know if it's a competitive thing because we were both in the same spot for so long and she "won" and i "lost." And it's not even one of those three month relationships either. They've been together now for 2 years and I'm pretty sure they'll get married. I don't know, for some reason, I feel like the sex thing has really come
between us. There's this My S0-Called Life quote that hits home for me:

Angela: [voiceover] There's this dividing line, between girls who've had sex, and girls who haven't, and all of a sudden, we realized that we were looking at each other across it.

It's just weird, I think about how many times they've probably done it, probably more times than they can count. And now, to them, it's nothing. And to me, it's still this big thing that makes me feel like a freak. This article really freaked me out. It just reaffirms my biggest anxieties about men and sex. Ugh.

I'm getting off track here. Anyways, I did sign up to go to two more events with two different groups. One is this Thursday at a bar and the other one is next a happy hour event next Thursday at a different bar. I figure if it involves drinking beer, it can't be all that horrible. We'll see. I feel like I do need to get out more. I miss it. I miss drinking. I know that sounds very alcoholic of me, but I'm really not. I more miss just the social aspect of it all and how I can socialize better when I've had a beer or two. I miss flirting with guys, even if they don't ask for me number or it goes nowhere. I miss having things to tell people when they ask me what I did over the weekend.

I know they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I feel like loneliness is making me weaker.

Check please?

I just got back from the Cape with my family. What a freaking nightmare. The first night there my sister, her husband, and her two kids were there, both of which screamed the entire first night. The walls were thin. I ended up waking up every morning by like 7:30, which for me, is early if I'm on vacation. It was so stressful. Whining kids and everything revolving around naps and baths. They left Tuesday. Wednesday it was just me and my parents and it was so quiet and relaxing...for a day. But then my brother, his wife, and their two kids came on Wednesday. More whining kids, sleepless nights, and poopy diapers.

I'm so glad I don't have kids right now. I need a vacation.

So, since I hate my coworker, I decided to take a class at work about having difficult conversations. In preparation for the class, they sent me this book. While I was reading it, I realized that it actually might help me when I finally talk to K. I had put it off and tried not to think about it on vacation, but it was hard not to because everything they talked about I could apply to my situation with her. So I emailed her and asked to meet her. She hasn't written back yet.

So, I joined eharmony and I have to say, I'm a little disappointed already. I just started reading this blog and even though there was this guy who sounded like a jerk in one of the comments, he said that everyone who was commenting should lower their standards and have more open minds about people. I know it must seem like I'm stubborn, but some of these matches! Come on! I don't like how you can't search for people like on match, everything is basically up to them. So far everyone is either too short (I have issues with guys shorter than myself), I'm not attracted to them physically, or they're just eh. I know I should give these people a chance, but I know going in, I would be judging them from the getgo. I know myself too well.

I want to try and do more things on my own, get out there and indulge my interests, but I'm really hesitant. There's this Princess Bride (my favorite movie of all time) quote along on that meeting site I belong to that I thought might be fun, but I looked at who was going, and I automatically think: those don't look like people I'd be friends with. How shallow am I? Ugh. I thought about asking A to go with me bc I know she likes that movie. I actually want to talk to her and tell her that I was hurt a couple of times when she bailed on me to hang out with her bf. I don't know if I really want to see her just yet though.

There's also a concert the same night of a band I like. I thought maybe I would go see them and see if there were people there that were like me. Although, I know myself all too well, there's no way I would go up and talk to anyone. I'm just not like that. I don't know what to do.

I did quit my part time job at Hallmark though. That decision came pretty easy. Now I'll have even more time to sit at home and sulk. Yay!

My eyes hurt

So the past two nights I've come home and just broken down crying. Last night after work, my department went to a pub to say goodbye to one of our admin assistants who was leaving to go to law school full time. I think I've said on here before that I don't like to mix my personal and professional lives, but at the same time, I want to be congenial and not perceived as anti-social or anything, so I went.

I just feel weird talking about personal stuff with people I see everyday. I guess it comes from having an experience with a coworker who just gave TMI all the time, right down to her bf's favorite sex position. Thanks, but I don't want to know that much about you. How can I ever ask you a question without thinking about you in said position? Do I just have a sick mind? Or does no one else have that problem?

Although, I think partly the reason I was upset too was because it was evident that there are certain people (around my age) in the office that hang out outside of work. It's not that I'm jealous of being friends with them, because honestly, I don't feel like we have a lot in common anyway and I find them slightly flaky? That's not the right word, but I just feel like they're just not from the same breed I am, if that makes sense. Like, I feel like with my old friends, I could say anything, even if it was inappropriate and feel comfortable because they know me and can tell if I'm joking or serious or whatever. With these people, I feel like they're so superficially nice and PC and I swear I've never seen any of them gripe about anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just more pessimistic, but come on, sometimes you have to rant? Right? Well, maybe it's not appropriate to do with your "work friends." But who wants friends you can't say what you think in front of them? Ugh, I have to stop griping. I guess I was just jealous of people having friends in general.

Anyways, the only thing that I've been willing to talk with coworkers about is my family, which is mostly complaints about how they're so annoying. Other than that, what am I going to say? I have no friends, no boyfriend, no interests or hobbies, that my life is completely boring and pathetic? No thanks. But inevitably, someone always pries a little. Mostly, it's "do you have a boyfriend?", which I, of course, hate.

I don't even feel like it's that I'm embarrassed to say I don't have a boyfriend, it's more frustration that I've never been able to say "Yes, actually, I do!" I'm so sick of this monotony.

So, I had lunch with T today. I was a little nervous beforehand, but after like two minutes I was fine. Before when I was crushing on him, I was so aware of how I looked and acted and where I put my hands and looking into his eyes. This time, I was less concerned with how I was acting because I know he doesn't want me, so I was more focused on him for a change. It was wierd though, I felt like he was acting wierd. He kept moving his drinks and the bread plate around and shifting in his seat. He made a few flirty comments, but nothing overly flirty. So all these things to an outside person would maybe make you believe that maybe he's interested, but I know he isn't. Then, it felt more like he was uncomfortable just being there because he kept trying to fill space and saying "uh, what else..." Like he was struggling to make conversation with me. So on top of him not liking me romantically, now I'm bummed because I don't even think he likes me as a friend, which is something my therapist suggested-getting to know him as a friend and maybe it would lead me to other friends/guys.

So this morning I was still recovering from my misery the night before only to have my mood shot down more at lunchtime. Then, the afternoon was a whirlwind of shit to do at work until I could finally come home and crash. I'm going on vacation next week with my family down to the Cape, but I don't even feel like it's going to be relaxing. At least when I get home from work I can sulk or cry in the privacy of my one bedroom apt, but I have to put on a brave face for a whole week? And I have to deal with little kids crying and whining and getting up at 6am? And I'm supposed to have my period? I have a feeling I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation.

I feel like I've just had it. Like I can't take it anymore. I don't want to live this life. Nobody would want to. Nobody should have to. I actually got accepted to eharmony after just trying the survey again on a whim. I emailed them and the said they would give me a promotion code, since it's so goddamn expensive. I don't know if I even have the energy to date though. I mean, who would want to date me? I'm miserable. I have no friends. I'm bitter. I'm inexperienced. Classic case of what men DON'T want.

I wish I had the guts to end it all.

Sick to my stomach

I just ate like eight large chocolate chip cookies and I feel like I might ralph. I am in such a bad mood I don't even know what to do.

I guess it started on Thursday when I got an email from K. After about two weeks of her being (too) busy and then going away for two and half weeks, I was expecting her to contact me upon her return on the 19th, but no. She said in her email that she "got back into town last Saturday and headed to the Cape for the weekend before attempting to get back into my work routine on Tuesday." Gee, thanks for thinking that maybe our friendship was something of a priority.

Anyways, B was having a BBQ at her new house on Saturday. I thought about going a while ago, if I had the opportunity to talk to K beforehand. Then, the more I thought about it, I realized that even if I did, I feel like I'd still hate every moment of seeing my married friend settling nicely into her new house, not to mention every one of my friends there with their bfs. So I politely declined to B.

K went on to say, "I know that you and I have yet to have an opportunity to get together and talk, but I was just thinking that I really hope you're planning to make it to B's house tomorrow - maybe you have the intention of going, and maybe you don't, but it would be great to see you and I promise that we can skip/bypass all of the things you want/need to talk about and get back to them when you and I have time to meet up just the two of us (provided that is what you would like to do). ..I wouldn't want you to skip out on a chance to see everyone just because you haven't had a chance to talk to all of us individually as you'd mentioned you wanted to."

Um, I haven't had the chance? I've talked to everyone I've wanted to except for you and you were so conveniently unavailable.

"...Some of the best relationships in my life are the ones in which we can pick up where we left off, and I would hate to find out that because we haven't seen each other in months (and just because all us girls haven't gotten together in months) that you wouldn't be able to go to the BBQ tomorrow and feel completely comfortable. And I also wouldn't want you to think that by all of this that I mean that you and I end up completely disregarding anything that you're feeling or want to talk about, but absolutely don't feel like anything would be awkward or that you'd have to open up about things tomorrow."

I know that she was trying to be "safe" in how she worded everything in that email, but come off it already. If she really wanted to see me at that BBQ, I feel like maybe she would've/should've made more of an effort to talk to me before it. She only had over a month. I was so prepared and ready to talk to her last month, but now, I have no desire to talk to her. I'm just going to ignore the email and next week I'm going on vacation, so I have that as an excuse. I just lost all motivation. I guess I'll see how I feel when I get back.

The weirdest part was that Saturday, I didn't even miss being there or seeing my "friends" or wish that I had gone at all. I really just wondered if they spent the whole time talking about me.

That's another thing that worries me. In the beginning, there would be things that I would want to email or text my friends about, but chose not to, chose to close off communication. Now, I don't even feel compelled to tell them anything, or ask them anything, or spend time with them. But I digress.

Another reason I didn't go to the BBQ was because my mom visited me on Saturday. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but I was just not in the mood to entertain her all day. She came in the morning, so no sleeping in. I had a stupid meeting at my second job the next morning, so no sleeping in on Sunday either. By the end of Saturday, I was so tired and cranky that I barely spoke to my mom, which I felt bad about, but I felt like I was just being myself. She kept asking me what was wrong, to which I replied "nothing, just tired." If I even delve into my unhappiness my mom gets all weepy and sad cuz she can't "fix" it. I'd rather just avoid it altogether.

I feel like my bitterness towards my friends is like a cancer, affecting everything else in my life. I'm beginning to notice that I'm becoming very cold and hard. Like, on the train, forget it. I can't even make nice chit-chat if I see a coworker. I'd rather bury my head in a book and look like I don't want to be bothered.

I won't even talk about other stuff because you'll just think I'm a horrible person, trust me. I didn't used to be like this. I used to feel compassion, enjoy people's company, want to have close people in my life. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm tempted to stop going to the therapist too, because I feel like all I do is talk. I know sometimes it just helps to talk, but I'm past talking. I need resolution.

P.S. I have a huge zit forming in the middle of my chin-you know the kind that you can feel deep down under the skin, that won't be ready to pop for at least a couple of days-I'm sure T is going to think it's super sexy.

Shaking in my rain boots

Today I went to this seminar on web tutorials for work. On my walk through the yard, who did I see? T walking with his coworker. I haven't seen him since January? I don't know what came over me. I got so freaking nervous I nearly spilled my coffee. We said hi, how are you, blah blah blah. He went to grab a coffee and I told him I'd see him in there. I picked a row with a bunch of open seats, but ended up being filled with other people. Needless to say, I didn't see him in there or when I left. I don't know why I can't just get over it. He still makes me so nervous. He's so freakin hot. I couldn't even look him in the eye.

After I got back to my office, he emailed me saying it was good to see me and if I wanted to grab lunch sometime. So we are. Next Friday. I might shit my pants.

I hate that I'm so transparent and not in control of my emotions. He rejected me. He DOES NOT want me. Yet, the mere sight of him makes my heart race and my knees buckle. So frustrating. All I want to do is jump the poor guy. It doesn't help at all that I have made out with him, so I have to live with the taste of what I'm missing. I'm sure he can see straight through me. Ugh. But how could I say no? I'll prolly just come home and cry like I always do.

Not to mention that two seats down from me was such a cute guy (a rarity in the library world). Why didn't I introduce myself? I mean, I'm at work with a bunch of other library people, why not take the opportunity to network, right? Then another hot guy sat in between us. Though, he was married. First I saw him check his phone, which had a pic of a girl as the wallpaper. Then I spotted his wedding band. Still, too much testosterone around me today. I can't handle it. I feel like I'm in heat or something.

Torn

So last Thursday, I got an email from A saying that she was having people over her house Friday and that I should come (she sent this to a couple of people). I didn't answer because, my honest first gut reaction was "yeah, like I wanna hang out with you and your bf, and all our friends and their bfs." So, on Monday I kind of felt bad about not responding and sent her an email being as honest as I could. Even though this wasn't something my shrink suggested, I'm experimenting with it as a way to get over my bitterness. I told her what my gut reaction was and that I don't want her to be offended if I decline from hanging out at events where it's just going to be all couples. I told her that it's the reason I prolly won't' go to a bbq that B is having at her new house next weekend.

A wrote back and said that she really didn't expect me to come or even reply, but she wanted to invite me anyway. She also said that she feels like her and her bf really are a big cause of why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling. She got this because I told her back in January that a lot did change when she started dating her bf because, out of everyone in our group of friends, she was the one person I could relate to, because she too had never had a bf or been in love and I could look at her when the other girls were talking about bfs and sex and we could roll our eyes and make sarcastic comments and laugh. I never meant to make her feel like me distancing myself was all her fault, but I guess she sort of took it that way.

She said that she knew the feeling of being the only one without someone, but again, she wasn't, because there was always me. Whatever. I also said that ever since people starting pairing off, it was like going out once every three months was enough for people because they had other friends and their bfs to hang out with and for me, with neither of those, it just wasn't enough. Anyways, she last thing she wrote back to me was that she did wish we could hang out more, just the girls and "I know we didn't see each other all the time. But when we did it was fun." I mean, thanks, but is that all you saw in me? As someone to just have fun with? I hope I'm reading too much into it and she saw me as a true friend.

So, I have written that I had joined this online site where you meet with people with similar interests. I went to one where it was a road race, but it was so crowded, I never found my group. Well, I had also joined a group of young 20something women. Wednesday night, there was a meeting at an ice cream shop. Unfortunately, I never got the notice that the organizer was stuck at work and she didn't show. I did end up meeting 3 other people who showed, but it wasn't exaclty what I was looking for. One girl was still in her undergrad, so pretty young, and had a bf. Another girl just finished her undergrad and was married. The last girl was older, not sure how old, getting her MBA and "shopping for rings" with her bf. I guess I was hoping for more single people. I don't want to be so judgemental and picky, but the whole reason I joined the group is because I want to find people who are in the same point in their life who I can identify with. Am I wrong for being so picky?

I feel like at this point in my life, I have a clear view of what I want and what I don't want-in my career, my family, my friends, my love interest. Why should I have to compromise, especially when there are hoards of other people who never have to? And why does not compromising mean I have to be completely miserable?

The online dating site that originally rejected me (I think because when I filled out the form I was honest with my happiness and self-image levels whereas this time I fudged it a bit) has since accepted me, but DAYUM, it's expensive, almost twice the other online dating site I tried. I vowed that I would never pay for another site again, but now, I'm not sure. What if it's the only hope for me and I choose to ignore it? Am I making a conscious decision to doom my love life by not joining an online dating site? Ugh. I hate that other people never have to even come close to having to make these kinds of decisions. Lucky fucking bastards! What? Do I sound bitter?

It's official

I'm miserable. I caught a cold from my nephew last weekend so physically I've been feeling awful. I feel a little better today, but still not 100%.

Emotionally, I can't say that I've been feeling much better. My mind has been all over the place this past week. Mostly, I've felt just numb, almost to the point where I forget that this life is not the one that I want, the one that I would choose for myself. I feel neither sad nor distressed. I just am. Other times, I have very serene moments where I realize that this is my life and I can envision my life this way forever and feel very mature for coming to this realization, like maybe I'm a bigger person for accepting what life has dished out for me. After all, I'm healthy, I have a family, I have a good job now. I, in other people's eyes, have a pretty good life compared to some.

But there have also been times when I miss being around people, miss going out and doing things, only to angrily turn on myself and think “You're such an idiot. You did this. You pushed everyone away thinking that taking time away from them would help you understand how you feel and give you the opportunity to resolve your feelings. Only, time apart just allowed any feelings of hurt, jealousy, and resentment to fester and grow. It's all my fault. I did this, and so I must live with it. It's too late to fix things. It will never be the same as it was, it can't be, too much has changed. It's never going to get better.” I find myself repeating this little mantra in my head over and over again. “It's never going to get better.” This can't be healthy.

And still other times, I think, “Well, if I just pretend that everything is fine, maybe it will be fine.” You know, if you think happy thoughts, happy things will happen, and you will be happy. I was at work a couple weeks ago and there is this Simpsons card that when you open it it's Marge Simpson saying “Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you, and happiness will follow.” I literally almost cried at work. What is wrong with me? I started thinking that this is what people do, this is how normal people probably deal with their problems, right? You just deal with it like a grown-up and move on. But is it? Is that healthy? Shouldn't you embrace your bad feelings to a point, to find out why they're there, where they came from, and then to deal with them?

I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like nobody has the answer. I have nobody to talk to. Even my shrink doesn't seem to be pointing me in the right direction, or any direction for that matter. When I try to talk to my mom about it, she just doesn't get it. No. 1: she doesn't understand anything about men and how to deal with them in the 21st century. She has to be THE most naïve and innocent person I've ever met and she's 58. She started dating my dad when she was 15 and waiting til marriage to have sex. She was shocked when my sister came home with a hickey once in high school; she'd never had a hickey. She didn't know what a beaver or twat was until she was in her forties. She just doesn't get anything. No. 2: She doesn't understand anything about my friend situation either. Sometimes I feel like she really doesn't want to know how sad I am because she doesn't know how to fix it and that to her is frustrating as a mom.

My sister isn't any better either. She has her own problems to deal with. Her house is pretty much a money pit with one thing going wrong after another. Her kids are a lot for her to deal with too. So I feel like I shouldn't bother her with my problems. When I've tried to talk to her about my friends and was letting her know that I was pushing them away, she didn't seem too concerned or wondered why I would want to create my own loneliness. She just said, “Sometimes people grow apart and friends move on.” But, she was never one to have lots of girl friends, either. She has one, but mostly she hung out with guys. Plus, she is the type of person who always had a boyfriend. Ever since high school, it was one guy after the next all the way through college until she met her husband in her post-grad. So, I can't talk to her about men either. I've told her about the guys, but she's never really been the friend I've needed, only a sister, if that makes sense. She's there to remind me how they're jerks and that I deserve better than that, but, I don't know, it's not the same as talking to a true friend somehow. I can't describe it.

So all along, I've told myself that I'm not depressed. I'm not, I'm just unsatisfied with the way things are in my life right now. But, maybe I am. I'm starting to feel a bit crazy inside. I don't like to use that word, because I'm sure every mentally unstable person has a medical reason behind their actions besides pure insanity.

I'm not even sure what I want anymore, which makes it harder too. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I thought I wanted a normal life, which for a single woman living in a decent sized city, would entail going out with friends, dating men, having fun. I've tried to look further into the blogosphere to seek solace in the fact that there are other women like me out there, but what I've come across more often than not are these sites where women basically talk about their sexcapades with men and I think that is nowhere near close to what I want or who I'd want to be friends with, or is it? Sometimes I think that yeah, if I had friends we'd be like the Sex and the City girls talking about all the men we've dated and slept with, but is that actually what I want? I guess the Catholic upbringing did have some kind of effect on me because I don't think of promiscuity as a good thing, but at the same time, sometimes I am so jealous of having a “normal” sex life. I can't find an official average, but it seems women usually have an average of below 10 sexual partners in their life. The older I get, though, the harder it is to get close to men without the fear of them “knowing” everything about me and being completely embarrassed and humiliated. (Although, I'd have to actually meet a guy first.) Other times, I'm completely jealous of some of my friends who found their partners in college and never had to “sleaze it up.”

With my friends too, I have no idea what I want. All along I've said that I want friends who are interested in the same things I am, who want to go out and do things. Sometimes, I wonder what these things are that I talk about. I feel like I really first got upset when they didn't want to go out on the town like we used to. Usually we would go to bars and pretty much get wasted. Is this really my idea of fun? I often think about college and look back and think about how much fun we used to have, just us girls, but realistically, all we did was get trashed every weekend, hook up with different guys, and then laugh about it all. Is this my idea of fun? Is this all I see for my future? I've seen what that kind of attitude can do to someone. My dad had a fun time in college, probably too much fun for his own good. He's always told stories about his friends and their shenanigans and they always involved them being drunk. My sister and I have always thought that was partly the reason for his alcoholism, that he still thinks that those were the best times of his life and he's stuck in the past, which is why he acts so completely immature. I don't want to be that person, always living in the past, thinking that those times were the best and that no other part of my life will ever be as good. Sometimes I wonder if I really do want the life that I've envisioned for my future: the husband, the family, friends that are married with kids, so we can raise our kids together. Maybe I'd want them more if I was in that place, but I'm not. I'm in the single girl place. To me, being single, has always been going out, getting drunk, hooking up with a random guy, which for me has inevitably led nowhere. Maybe I need to get out of that place, but how? That's all I've ever known. And what's on the other side? Grown-up stuff. Does that equal boring stuff?

Man, I think I'm either bi-polar or have a raging case of Peter Pan syndrome. The screen's making my eyes hurt, this post is way too long. I'm not even proof-reading. Sorry for any errors.

Love, Therapy and Ice Cream...not in that order

Man, today is flippin hot outside. Luckily, the president of where I work (here's a hint: it's a prestigious university in Cambridge) threw an ice cream social for all of the employees today, which was much appreciated by all. I indulged, even though I do have the 'tose. I know, masochistic, but who can resist free ice cream?

I wish I had it yesterday though. I ended up leaving work early because I was so hot. My face felt like it was on fire. Usually, when I get that hot and lightheaded, it means I have a fever, but I checked and none. I slept 2.5 hours when I got home, but still felt crummy all night. Luckily, I felt tons better today.

HOWEVER, this little ailment, I'm not sure whether to say unfortunately OR conveniently, fell on the day I was to meet with K and talk about everything that's been going on lately. I had emailed her on her birthday (the 18th) but she said she was away through the weekend. Fine with me, since I was working and seeing my sister for her birthday that weekend. She said she was only free Wednesday night, I had to work Wednesday night. She said she was away for the next weekend, how about Monday? I said fine. Then, I end up feeling not so good, I said how about Tuesday? Well, K (little Miss Social) made plans for Tuesday since we already set a date for Monday and was leaving to go away on Wednesday through July 19th! Like who is she that she has this many plans? Ok, maaaaybbbee I am overreacting seeing as I have NO social life, but come on. Also, I feel like if she really wanted to see me, since we haven't met since December, that she might rearrange some plans so we could talk before she left for 2.5 weeks? Oh well, at least I get to put off that meeting for a while.

So, I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow and I was really planning on having met with K to have stuff to talk about. It's weird. Sometimes, there's an awkward silence in our meetings and I don't know if I should be talking more or what. It feels like when I was a kid in Catholic school and I used to make up sins for confession because I didn't think I "had enough good stuff." I know, twisted. I was lying in confession about sins I didn't commit...there's Catholic guilt for ya. Maybe this time she'll actually have stuff to say to me.

Oh, so the love part of my blog title. Sooo, since I was feeling crappy last night, I inevitably had really weird dreams. One of which I shared with my coworkers. I was propelling myself into space and I was trying to get to the planet Aquarius (?) but I fell asleep and overshot it and landed on Venus. And for some reason, by the laws of motion in space (again, I have no idea) I couldn't figure out how to get back to Aquarius. So my boss makes the remark "Maybe it means you're going to find love soon." I was kind of taken aback and just changed the subject. But I've noticed she makes these kinds of comments frequently, I mean about my love life, or lack thereof, rather. Once, I was telling a student worker that sometimes when I'm running in my neighborhood, drivers will beep at me. I don't know if it's to say "way to go, keep running!" or "hey!" like maybe they think I'm someone I'm not since I don't know anyone in my town. My boss overhears this and says "Maybe they think you're cute." I'm thinking, yeah, cuz I look so hot heaving and sweating my balls off? I remember she made another comment a while ago and it didn't even make any sense? I can't remember the context, but again, she said something like "maybe he thought you were cute." I just ignore it because frankly, it makes me feel awkward, slightly pathetic, and unsure of how to respond.

"What's with today, today?"

Really, what's up with this week? I don't know what's different about this week, but I've been super down. I think Monday set the tone, but it wasn't just that stuff. And I don't even feel like the meetings with my therapist are very helpful. I know people say it helps to talk, and I guess, it sort of does, but it helps more when people offer you solutions or advice to help you get over your problems, which she doesn't do much of. I wish someone, oh I don't know, maybe a fairy godmother, would come along and wave a magic wand and just make everything better.

Mostly, this week I've been lonely, for the male gender, that is. I don't know why now more than lately, because it's not like I'm a stranger to long stretches. I mean, come on now, my life is pretty much one dry spell. To top it off, the last guy I kissed was um, well, someone I'd like to forget altogether.

I don't know what to do. Thinking back, every guy I've ever hooked up with (which thinking about it is pretty gross...that I've only ever hooked up with (and no, that does not mean slept with) guys as a one-time thing that never turned into anything and have never had a real serious relationship) I've met while out with my friends. I feel like I'm trapped. I almost feel a little bi-polar/schizo-ish thinking about it. I want friends, but I can't relate to my friends, but I still care about them, but I feel like crap around them, I want to go out and meet people, but have nobody to go out with, and even if I meet new friends, it's such a pain to start from scratch to get to know people, and then I'd probably experience the same thing with them, they'd move on and get married and leave me behind, again.

It's the same with men too. I want to meet a man, but I don't have friends to go out with to meet a man, even if I met one, I'm honestly scared to death of going through the process. I don't have history to talk about, will they think I'm weird? I'm not what you'd exactly call experienced, and I HATE when guys talk to you in that tone, do you know the tone I'm talking about? You can hear it switch on as soon as you say "I've never done this before" or something to that effect. It's like you can taste the pity. Ugh, who wants to deal with that.

Is there such a thing as an octuplet-edged sword? Cuz I feel like I'm being stabbed everywhere.

Not to EVEN mention work this week. I literally thought I was going to KILL my coworker. She is SO ...I don't even know the words to describe her. She is so fake. She tries to make herself seem so smart to everyone. I seriously think she reads the New Yorker and listens to NPR JUST to shove facts in people's faces and test their knowledge against hers. I think she has some serious self-esteem issues, always trying to one-up me in meetings or counter something I've said.

Friday was the kicker. We were talking about a museum that I've been to but she hasn't. She asked what kind of art it had. And I could literally picture it in my head, but I couldn't remember the name of the genre. She goes "Weren't you an Art History major?" I wanted to say "Aren't you a rude bitch?" Sorry I can't recall something I learned in undergard 10 YEARS AGO. All I said was "Well, I was general Fine Arts and took more studio than Art History."

Then she asked me if I had plans for the weekend. Of course all I could come up with is "I have to work," "Both days?" "No, just Sunday." In my head: "So, no I am not doing anything tonight or Saturday, happy?" My boss later asked me what I was doing this weekend. I said nothing, and I literally saw her brows crease as if looking at me like a pathetic loser.

I am at a loss. To agree with ecrivain, it's crippling. If the man-loneliness doesn't get me, the friend-loneliness will, and if neither of those gets me, the embarassment of the lack of both definitely will be the nail in the coffin. Excuse me while I self-implode.

Out of steam

I had big plans for today. I really did. I bought this cute new dress (in blue) to wear, I was going to sit outside and eat lunch and look as approachable as possible, go to Newbury Comics to buy the new Weezer CD and look for cute indie boys, email T to meet up for a strictly friendly lunch (at my therapist's suggestion because who knows, he could lead me to new friends, both male and female), and go to a concert tonight by myself to see if maybe I could meet people there.

So, I wore my new blue dress, but the weather today totally sucked. It rained, so I couldn't really eat outside. I went to NC and bought my CD, but nobody else was in the store. I emailed T, but he's going to a conference and won't be around (which even though is totally legitimate bc I know which conference he's going to, still makes me feel like he's avoiding me/scared of me/not really into being friends). By 5:00, I just wanted to go home and mope, so no concert for me.

So much for high ambitions. I don't think it's a coincidence that Bright Eyes is my favorite band:

"Ambition, I've found, can lead only to failure"

Great, just great.

I went to my parents house for the weekend. I took my dad out for breakfast Sunday morning, just the two of us. Apparently, he thought this was weird. Later, my mom told me that he asked her why I wanted to go just the two of us. I guess he thought I was going to tell him I was gay.

That one hurt.

I don't have anything against being gay, don't get me wrong. But, I know there's people out there who know how I feel right now. Then, I went to lunch with my grandparents today. My grandfather asked if I had a boyfriend. I said "No." He said, "Not yet?" I immediately changed the subject.

Hot and humid

So, if you're like me and live in New England, you know that it is hotter than hell outside. Right now I'm sitting directly in front of my fan while the AC I just got hot and sweaty putting in all by myself cools down my bedroom. I know many, many people love this kind of weather, i.e. summer, but frankly, I hate it. I would love to live somewhere where its sunny and 68 year round. That's pretty much San Diego, right? Note to self: move to San Diego ASAP.

So update on the shrink. She's okay I guess. I mean, I've never been to a therapist before so I don't know if she's good or bad or what. Mostly, she's just been asking me questions about my life and my upbringing and stuff. I really wish I could start talking about the now instead of the past, maybe in my next session... The reason is really because I am so fucking bored. Even though I hate this weather, it is the type where you want to be out and about with people doing something, not sticking to your couch watching HGTV and Cast Away for the millionth time. (Although, it is scary how much I can relate to that man trapped on an island all alone.) I really do want to have a social life, and of course it's easiest with the people who know you and who you've known for a long time, not that I have any other people to hang out with. Lately, for some reason, it's been worse. I feel like people at work are constantly asking me "what are your plans for the weekend?" or "what'd you do last weekend?" and thank god I have the excuse that I have to work my PT job otherwise I don't know what I'd say. I guess I would lie because whenever I say "nothing" I totally see pity in their eyes. I hate that.

I signed up for this website where you join different groups and do stuff together. Mostly, I signed up for girls night out type groups, but also book clubs, a running group, and an indie music group. I haven't gone to any of the meetings yet. I know I should at least give them a shot, but it's so hard to create that friendship base that you build everything else on. It's hard to gauge people's personalities and senses of humor, especially when you see them rarely, so really you don't, well, I don't feel comfortable letting my real self show until much later. I feel like I'm in a catch-22 where I want to hang out with my old friends, but still don't think I can handle it. I've been thinking about emailing K and talking to her finally, but I'm still procrastinating. Maybe I'll ask my therapist about it.

I am melting into my couch.

Throw me a freakin bone

So physically I am feeling WAY better today, but today was not a whole lot better than yesterday. I got my haircut after work, which was great, but after leaving the salon, I learned that there was a fire on the T tracks downtown and all train service had completely shut down. After about a half hour of the T people not knowing what the F was going on, I boarded an awesome shuttle bus. So, a normally 45 minute trip door to door took me a whopping 2 1/2 hours. Yippee!

On the bright side, I guess you could call it a bright side, and as long as I figure out how this will work with my insurance, I'm going to see a therapist tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

I hate today

So not only is it GORGEOUS, and I mean sunny, cloudless, breezy, the whole nine yards, outside and I have nowhere fun to go, like a Memorial Day bbq or something, I have this medical problem (which I won't go into here) that has me down for the count today. I am miserable. I'm supposed to work my p/t job today 12-6:30, which was gonna be fine because I get paid time and a half, but called my boss to say I was sick. She is SUCH a hard ass. No sympathy whatsoever and then was like, "well, you know that's it's your responsibility to find someone to cover your shift when you call out." Bitch. So, I told her I might come in from 5-6:30 to help her close the store if that would help her out. I hate my boss and I hate today.

New poll:
In light of the fact that my salary grade at my f/t job is rising and I hate my p/t job, should I keep this gig to save some extra dough so that I can actually buy a home without depending on a spouse's supplementary income (which will never come) or say life's too short, fuck it and quit? Thoughts?

Three down, one to go

So the meeting with M and C went really well. It's easy to ignore the affect your actions can have on other people. To me, I was simply distancing myself from my friends to try and gain perspective and figure out why I resent them bitterly. To them, though, I am "clinically depressed" and in need of an intervention. I guess I can see why they were worried, but at least I was able to explain to them what I'm going through and tried to make them understand that I would probably never have the guts to do myself in. At the same time, now that I've met with them, I think they think things will go back to normal. I'm not sure if that's the case. I don't feel like the bitterness and resentment will just disappear just because we met and talked. I don't know. I still feel like I'm going to feel the same things when I'm around them. Not to mention all the things they updated me on, like how B bought a house with her husband and I'm sure kids are on the way soon, C bought a condo, M is thinking about having kids in the next 2 years. These things aren't going to bring us closer together...

So I talked to A, C, and M. Now, the only one that I feel like I need to talk to is K. That's the one I'm not looking forward to. Not only do I have to explain everything that's going on with me, I also have bones to pick with her about how she treats me as a friend. The way I feel like she only uses me to do certain activities, the way she has all these other friends that she hangs out with, but yet never invites anyone else to hang out with them, how she goes out all the time in the area, and by area I mean two block radius, where I work, but never invites me along, or how she doesn't respect my request for space by calling my land line to try and catch me because she knows I don't have caller ID on my house phone, or by showing up unannounced at my apt. I don't think she'll take it well. I don't want to do it, but I know I must because prolonging it will only make it worse. Right? Blech.

I have no answers

T actually emailed me back this morning, shocker. He was really nice and mentioned that he and a coworker went to this pub near where we both work that I had told him about. I thought he was being super sweet when he said "we'll have to go there sometime," except I read it wrong and he really said "we'll all have to go there sometime" meaning me and the other people he knows from school. Doh! I bet I won't hear from him for another six months.

I still haven't heard back from C and M about meeting this weekend. Weird. I was telling my sister, I have this weird feeling that M is preggers. She's mentioned a couple times wanting to talk to me in person. She also wanted to meet up with me over Easter weekend, but I had my nephew's birthday party and I had to work, so I honestly couldn't meet her. I mean, I would be totally happy for her if she was pregnant, but at the same time, this is exactly what I've been trying to explain to them. It's only going to push us further away. I have a friend from high school who has a baby and I feel like we are worlds apart now. Whenever we see each other, we always end up talking about the baby. It's like, who are we anymore? Do we keep in touch just because we've known each other so long? For this friend, I know it's because, for some reason, she asked me to be the godmother, which is completely weird considering I'm an atheist, but I digress.

I keep talking about having friends with which I can identify, but now I feel like I'm only fooling myself because, really, the only people I can identify with are bloggers that I don't really know at all. And the only reason I found them is because of the anonymity of blogging and the internet. How are you supposed to find these people in real life? I try to not mention anything about my personal life, or lack thereof, at work simply to avoid being asked questions or have to talk about relationships. Although, I did tell my boss and coworker about T, that was a mistake, since it only made me look like a loser. It's weird. People's love and relationship history is so apparent when you open up that door. Like, I know my coworker C only had one boyfriend before her husband. His name was Fabrizio and every relationship story involves him. Whereas my boss has talked about several different boyfriends from high school all the way up to before she met her husband. I wonder what they must think of me.

BTW: After my online dating subscription ran out, I joined a free dating site....why do I do this to myself? WHYYYYYY?