Why I hate everyone

So you think hate is a strong word? Well you’re right, it is. I’m not kidding. I truly hate everyone. It’s not over one thing or another. Nothing new has happened really, well, that’s not true, but I’ll get into that later. It’s really more of a realization that I am utterly and truly alone in this world with nothing to console or comfort me besides myself, who doesn’t do a very good job by the way. Other people may have a significant other to go to when they feel alone, sad, frustrated, or angry. Some people might have family that they talk to or spend time with, a close sister or mother perhaps. Other people really connect with their coworkers or they find comfort in working because it is their passion and a place they find relief or satisfaction. Some people have other people looking out for them and have people that do things or go out of their way to help them. I do not have any of these things. I have nothing and no one. I do not have a companion, my family is too wrapped up in their own lives to take the time to invest in mine, my work is just that-work, not a career, and my friends more and more seem like just acquaintances. I am completely alone in this world.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a concert with a friend of a friend. She invited the guy she’s seeing to come too, which I was fine with me because I’ve been out with them before and it wasn’t uncomfortable. He wanted to go to this art gallery beforehand for an opening, so we agreed to go to that first, then the show. Well, at around 3 she emailed me through a social utility (SU) site saying she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t going to go out tonight. I find that so frustrating. I am pretty anal when it comes to times and plans. I hate being late or making people wait for me and I hate when people cancel plans or having to cancel on someone, which I almost never do, even if I don't feel like it anymore or feel bad, I hate letting people down. I woke up early this morning to do my hair and makeup knowing I would be going out straight from work. I could’ve slept a little more if it wasn’t for this person’s cancellation. I could’ve dressed more casually instead of wearing a going-out outfit. I would’ve brought my big work bag with my book to read instead of my small going out purse, but no, I did these things because I trusted this person would follow through. I can already sense that you think I’m psycho. It gets worse, trust me, my psychoness, not the story. I also asked K if she was interested in going last week. She said maybe. I asked her again while we were playing a game on the SU site but she didn’t answer for like an hour while we were playing. Then just by chance, I checked the game today and she wrote “just saw this (yeah right), not in the mood to go out tonight.” Why do I suspect she sent it to me there and not in an email knowing that I wouldn’t be playing the game at work and wouldn’t look til I got home, which I wouldn’t have done until AFTER the show.

I know, you’re thinking I’m really paranoid and that I’m crazy to complain. Seriously though, I swear my life is just a part in everybody else’s play and my play is going bankrupt because the actors never show up, the plot is meaningless and uninteresting and nothing ever goes as planned. That’s honestly how I feel. When people ask me to participate in their lives, I mostly, no, I always agree, eager to spend time with people I care about. When I ask them to participate in mine, it’s either like pulling teeth or always a lame excuse leaving me thinking that they really could give two shits.

I am consuming an entire bottle of wine as soon as humanly possible.

I am Greenland

Lately, I can't get the Donne line "no man is an island" out of my head and then it appeared as a clue in a Times puzzle this week. Weird. I haven't read it since high school, so I googled it to see if it was about what I remembered. Well, I guess it has more to do with being a part of all humankind than local isolation, but it led me to something else. I remembered that when we studied Donne, we also looked at the lyrics from Simon and Garfunkle's "I am a rock." I know I've heard the song so many times, but these lyrics stood out:

Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I think it is possible for "man" to be an island, at least that's how I feel lately. Sometimes I really feel like I can't identify with any other person on this planet, certainly not my "friends" and of course not my family. I know that I created the separation between my friends and I, but at the same time...loneliness and isolation suck.

If I was an island, which island would I be? I obviously wouldn't be a tropical island like Hawaii or the islands in the Caribbean that are happy, warm, and full of life. No, I think I would be Greenland: a vast expanse of cold icy lifelessness where nobody wants to go, because, really, what's the point? It's depressing. Pretty sunset though :)