I'm still alive update #1

So, I know I haven't posted in a while, and it's for the reason I often lapse in posting, either I've got nothing to say because nothing is going on or what I do have to say is so depressing that I don't want to be whiny.

Last month wasn't the greatest for a couple of reasons, which I'll elaborate more on in upcoming posts. One of the main things bothering me last month I guess directly relates to the holidays and how I guess everyone feels lonely around them.

One thing that I noticed was that on my social utility site, everyone and their mother seems to either be married, engaged, or in a relationship and a couple profile photo to prove it-barf. I actually sat and counted up the single people that I know and I came up with 5 people. That's only people that I would consider friends or acquantences. If I wanted to include just friends, it's 2. Sometimes I feel like it's just all in my face everywhere I look.

On top of that one of my friends just got engaged and so the topic of conversation around my friends is of course weddings, and then turns to having babies, blah blah blah. Most uncomfortable was when my friends and I got together the Saturday after Christmas and the conversation turned to sex and if people had tried something specific that I won't get into here. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable being around the conversation, I don't mind getting pretty explicit about things, I'm definitely not a prude that way, maybe in other ways, but not conversationally. I guess it was more that I couldn't contribute to the conversation, because really, who am I to give an opinion when I haven't been in the situation or even remotely close to it. I don't know if anyone noticed that I didn't speak during that part of the night, but how could they not, everyone went around saying if they had or had not done it, except for me.

I also don't feel very hopeful about this new year. Online dating has been a complete bust for me and I will not be doing it again. I will attempt at going to these social meetings, but not to find men, more to just meet new people, girlfriends and guy friends, and keep myself busy.

At this point, I am trying to condition myself to not expect anything out of life. I know this goes against everything that the Secret teaches, but it also falls into the mentality of stuff happens when you're not looking for it too, so whatever. I've already pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have children. It's weird, I've always thought I wanted kids, but the more time I spend with my niece and nephews (which are great kids don't get me wrong) the more I realize that I don't know if I want them. Here's my reasoning. #1 I love sleep. I hate waking up early for anything. #2 I have zero tolerance for misbehavior and have a pretty bad temper, when I do get angry. I'm slightly afraid I'd be a spanker, which I don't necessarily want to be. #3 I see how draining kids are and how they hinder your life in many ways. I really like my freedom and don't know whether I could give up things. I know, I know, it's different when it's your own kids, but right now, unlike many of my other friends, I am NOT itching to have them anytime soon.

This works in my advantage I think. Don't guys get scared by those girls who are like "I just want to get married and have kids!" haha, well, maybe not, but I'm going to believe it's true. Next on my list is to condition myself not to expect marriage. Not everyone gets married in this world. And even more people don't stay married. This one is a little harder because if I don't have marriage to look forward to, then what do I? I am not one of those career driven people who wants to move up on the career ladder. So, what else is there? Watching everyone around you marry, have kids, etc. I know it's very "I have nothing to live for, let me just kill myself" kind of mentality. I mean sometimes I do feel that way, other times I don't, I just feel numb.

All I know is that I can't let myself believe that something will eventually happen. I've done that for over 15 years and I'm just continuously disappointed and driven deeper into depression. I figure if I expect nothing at all, if I do find something, at least I'll be surprised. But like I said, I am really feeling like I won't find anything and as weird as it sounds, it's starting to feel comforting.

Change in life goals

The only thing I used to want growing up was to have a family, that's it. I didn't have some big career in mind, i never needed a nice home, lots of money. I don't care about any of that stuff, I never have. I didn't even want to go to college, I think I just did it to prolong the whole 'working til you're 65' thing. I just wanted to get married and have kids.

Well, I just spent the past week at my sister's house helping her with her newborn and her 2 yr old. I've changed my mind. I do not want children. I don't think I have the patience for them. Maybe I would feel differently about my own children or maybe it's because my nephew is just a typical 2 yr old. I don't know. I just know that I'm exhausted, and have no desire right now to have kids, ever, which works out well, since prospects on finding a husband, scratch that, boyfriend, er, date, wait...a glance in my direction, are pretty slim right now.

On that note, my online dating subscription runs out in 5 days, not that it produced anything promising. I went on one date with a nice guy whose profile said he was 5'9", but was more like 5'6" who I wasn't attracted to at all. Oh well. At least I can say that I tried it..twice. Once you've done the typical bar scene and your "friends" don't have anyone to set you up with and you don't work with any potential guys and you've done the whole online dating thing......then what are you supposed to do????

Reality check

My sister had a baby yesterday. 10lb 5oz and without any drugs. Absolutely crazy. I went to see her today and as I was holding my new nephew I just thought more and more about how much I want to have children of my own one day. The longer I stayed though, the more cranky my 2 year old nephew got and then started to think how I'll never be able to handle a difficult child. By the end of the day, though, all I could think of is how I really never have to worry about a difficult child and should not try to think much about how much I want a family, because I need to find a man first, which is never going to happen. And I'm definitely not going to be one of those women who, after establishing themselves in their career, decide to adopt a child on their own. I can barely take care of my houseplants on my own, I doubt I could raise a child alone. Sigh.

I think I might be slightly psychic. Years ago, I predicted so many things about how my life would be now in terms of my career, my social life, my love life, and they have all oddly come true. I knew I would not find a good job right out of college and end up stuck in some low-paying temp job turned permanent-and what'ya know, I spent 4 years at that stupid place. I knew that my friends would all one day surpass me and we would drift apart because we no longer had anything in common save the fact that we all went to the same college...true. I also predicted I would be single forever..so far, true. Some people say that you determine your own future and maybe by having these thoughts I somehow made them become reality instead of seeing my future positively, oh who the f*ck knows. Anyway, I remember thinking when my brother's first child was born that I am going to be Aunt Jackie from the TV show Roseanne. I'm going to be that aunt that never gets married, that always does fun stuff with you, you know, the "cool" aunt. Don't get me wrong, I would love my niece and nephews to consider me "cool," but I really DO NOT want to be that aunt. Although, I do think Aunt Jackie did end up getting married and having a kid on the show, but lets face it, that was in the last season as a last-chance hope in saving that series. Man, it seems like I'm a real Roseanne fan...I'm totally not. Ugh. How is it possible that such a happy event can make me so sad?