One of those days?

Did you ever have one of those days where all of your insecurities come barreling at you at the speed of light to the point of paralysis? Yeah. I'm having one of them. I know what the trigger was, although it's completely unrelated to anything that I'm feeling right now.

I was taking a class in something related to what my dept does, but something I have no part of directly. I was taking more for fun/information. Well, the class is way above my head technically speaking, and after trying to explain my final project idea to my professor, she talked to me so condescendingly that I felt like a complete imbecile. Yeah, I cried as I left the building. And yeah, I withdrew the second I got home. I feel like there's no need as an adult in my situation to let anyone or anything make me feel that way. EVER.

It just brought up feelings of inadequacy in terms of my intelligence, which then led to insecurity about my looks, social life, love life, you name it, the snowball effect. Once you get going, you can't really stop.

I saw my therapist today at lunch and she was telling me about all of the progress I have been making by reconnecting with my friends and letting them into my life again. She said that it was good that I was trying to think more logically and not let my resentment and anger cripple me the way I let it in the past. Joining the social site and volunteering are good ways to put myself out there. Though, I feel like an investor in today's economy, all my effort has gone to shit. I'm putting so much in and not getting anything in return. I feel like you can only take so much before you hit rock bottom and someone has to literally bail you out.

I feel like I'm in the exact same spot as I was when I was 25, 20, even 15. I've grown physically, well, that's not even true. I grew to my current size when I was 12 and have the stretch marks to prove it.

I guess I have gained some knowledge, although, I quickly forget almost everything that has ever been taught to me...kind of defeats the whole education process, no? I feel like I continually hide the fact that I don't know what people around me are talking about and quickly changing the subject to my area of knowledge: pop culture.

Psychologically, I feel like a child, always the baby of the family who can't do anything by herself, always relying on the parents for help, because real adults have gone through relationships and have relied on boyfriends or friends for that stuff, right?

Emotionally, same deal. I've had no experience that would have enabled me to grow into the real "me." You know when people talk about how it's the people they've met and loved that have made them who they are? Yeah, I don't get that concept because all I've known is the same I've known since forever. I don't know how I act when faced with confrontation. I don't know if I'm a jealous person. I don't know if I like PDA or not. I don't know about forgiving and making up. I haven't had the experiences to make me "me." Maybe I'm not even the real "me" yet. What if I never become "me?"

Someone needs to go to bed...

Kisses from God

So I thought I would start my new blog with an explanation of my title. When I was younger I used to get teased about my freckles. “Freckle-face” was the most popular. As a young girl I couldn’t figure out why freckles were bad or ugly or why I had to have them. Why was I born with something that other people considered hideous? My mother used to tell me that my freckles were kisses from God. So clever, not a bad one, Mom. At first this satisfied my wonderings. “Wow”, I thought, “God must love me a lot.” Later, as I grew up, I began to question that explanation. If God loved me so much, then why would He afflict me with something people consider unattractive? That’s not very nice of Him. There are plenty of other people that grow up to be universally acceptably beautiful, who don’t seem to have a very hard time of finding work, love, etc. If God loves me so much, why does He make it so hard for me to find love of my own? That question never stopped haunting me.


My freckles are not a cute thing to me.(That picture is obviously not me, just in case you were wondering.) They are not the speckled freckles across a model’s face, like Kate Moss, on which they would seem dainty. No, I have big, globby freckles. The ones that cover my entire body (except for where the sun don’t shine) and mush together to form even bigger freckles. In fact, when I was younger I remember being with my sister and seeing a women so covered in freckles like my own, that I wondered when she would be covered so much so that you would no longer see pale skin. This sickened me. I remember we laughed and were absolutely disgusted by the possibility. But what I didn’t realize then is that I am this woman, twenty years earlier in life. I must have thought about it a little, though. My mom still has a Christmas wish list that I wrote to Santa when I was about seven. On my wish list, I wrote “no more freckles” as one of my Christmas presents. My freckles haunt me, cover me, almost like a disease. I dread opening my eyes in the morning if they are near my own skin. I am frightened by it. It almost seems like I have a disease. Unless you have the same condition, it’s hard to relate.