Why do I even bother?

So, my mom did not have a second heart attack, which is great news, although, there is still a very long road ahead of her. I just hope that it doesn't affect her physically again like that, so scary. She called me Friday night so upset. I was out with K and got a voicemail. I feel horrible being so far away from her while she's going through this and also not knowing what to say to her either.

Friday, I met up with K and her fiance on a pub crawl that her coworkers had organized. People, my friends mostly, wonder why I'm so pessimistic about finding someone and don't understand why I think I'll ultimately end up alone. Friday night was the perfect example of my reasoning. Upon being introduced to two guys that showed up, they not only gave me the most uninterested look, they immediately walked away and talked to other people. Maybe they were attached, maybe they were gay, but usually, nay always, this is the reaction I get from men-disinterest.

Later, I was talking to K and this one guy and realized he grew up a town over from me. I'm a little older and couldn't name anyone he knew, but still, he made no attempt to even talk about this commonality. Rather, he was totally distracted texting on his phone. If, however, I was attractive, how much do you want to bet that there would be endless things to sprout from that one fact. I was going to go on to a party with K and her fiance but at the last minute decided to just go home.

It was just one of those nights where you feel like "why do I even bother?" Why do I bother putting on makeup and straightening my hair and picking out a cute outfit when I'm going to be totally ignored by the exact people I am trying to impress. It doesn't even make me feel better to do those things. On What Not to Wear they're always saying you should dress and take care of your appearance to make yourself feel better, but honestly, it just makes me feel like I'm living a lie, like I'm trying to fit in and it's not even working. It really bothers me that all of my friends don't even need to wear makeup or do their hair to look good, they're pretty naturally. And me, I look like a haggard without makeup or done hair.

I had a horrible Saturday. It was dark and rainy all day, thanks Ida, and I just felt awful. I just don't know why I try to trick myself into believing that it'll happen eventually, when I, of all people, know deep down that it won't. Every day I feel like I'm looking older and looking worse than when I was younger. My eyes are so sunken in and baggy and I'm getting random white hairs. Maybe I should just embrace my age and looks and say "fuck it." What would it even matter?

I guess the reason I'm posting today is that A just got engaged. So, out of all my friends that live on the east coast I am the only single one, the only one who is not married or not engaged. Still gets me every time.

Every little thing is making me feel less and less close to my friends. Wedding stuff, buying houses, starting families, dealing with in-laws. It's all just so foreign to me. I can tell that they grasp at straws to talk about things too, because I have nothing going on, except my parents, which isn't something I necessarily want to talk about all the time. I know that when we all get together at xmas, they're all going to want to talk about wedding crap. Joy.

I'd rather be alone

So, my mom is in the hospital again. My parent's are officially getting divorced, well, as soon as the marshall can find my dad to serve him the papers. I guess my mom found out that not only was he fooling around with someone else, he signed up for match.com. I'd say he's checked out of the marraige. She finally made the decision, and I'm proud of her, but I wish it wasn't so phsyically taxing on her. So far it doesn't look like it's another heart attack, maybe just a bad anxiety attack from being so upset, but still. I'm worried about her. She's never gone through A breakup at all let alone a 42 year relationship breakup.

I don't know if it's because I saw first hand how awful a marraige can be and how trapped you can get in it when your feelings get so strong and overpowering that I've been so picky and waited so long in finding someone of my own. I am so scared of ending up with someone that I'd fall out of love with or who would end up treating me like crap. I want this person to be perfect. In doing so, though, I'm scared I've built up my image of this person to something nobody could measure up to. Although, in the end, I think I'd rather be alone, forever, than be with someone who treated me the way my dad has treated my mom.

I just hope that there's some peace ahead. For me, for her, for everyone in my family. I don't know how much more stress I can take. I noticed a cold sore coming on yesterday, I'm sure from stress. Ironically, I've been getting them since I was 11 or 12, probably from sharing a glass and not from being promiscuous like so many people insinuate when they see people with them. And it only adds to me feeling horrible and disgusting on top of feeling sad and worried for my mom. At least it's Friday and I can avoid everyone for 2 days.