Running into him, literally

So, I was walking to a friend's BBQ tonight in a nearby town and I realized that it's the neighborhood where T lives. So, I thought, wouldn't it be weird if I ran into him. Of course, sometimes I think that since we work in the same area, and of course I never see him. I mean how often do you really run into people, right? I don't anyway.

Well, of course who comes running down the street right toward me but T. We just said hi and the "oh, what are you doing here?" type thing and parted ways. I don't know what it is about him. I know we don't have much in common, he was totally rude when we went out the two times two, yes TWO years ago, and he's made no effort to try and sustain a friendship with me. Yet, I still get this feeling of, I don't know what it is, I guess you could call it lust.

He does this thing with his eyes where they're always shifting and he looks at you and looks away constantly and it's almost like he doesn't want to get caught really looking at you and for some reason that really gets to me. It makes me think he doesn't want me catching him looking at me...or something. Man I am really starved for man right now it's not even funny.

I'll prolly email him tomorrow...because I hate myself just that much.

Planning for the future

I wouldn't say that I'm a wiz when it comes to my personal finances, but I think I do okay for a regular person. I pay off my bills every month. The only debt I carry is my grad student loans. I put away money every month to save for a home. I contribute to my 401(k) plan at work (although not as much as I'd like). I may not be rolling in dough, but I think I'm prepared for the worst in this financial climate if I should happen to lose my job.

I admit, since the economy took a turn for the worst, I've only peeked at my portfolio once to see what shape it was in, and it wasn't pretty. I decided I wouldn't torture myself and not look at it until things seemed to be on the upturn. I've read that it's smarter for younger people to put about 60% of their retirement investment in the stock market because since its existence, it always trends up, and even after the crash of '29 things came back. I know that as I grow older I should be moving more and more of it into more stable things like mutual funds.

I feel like I should be pretty secure compared to other people my age who have massive amounts of debt brought on by their own credit card irresponsibility or the whole sub-prime mortgage fiasco. Some of my friends don't have a savings at all and I'm sure I know people not contributing to their company's 401(k) or 403(b). And I do feel comforted by it, in the immediate future.

The not-so-immediate future is another thing. For the past couple weeks, maybe even months, I've become more and more anxious about my long-term future, to the point where it keeps me up at night worrying. I know it sounds wicked pessimistic and crazy to think about something so far away, but I see it as more realistic. There is a chance that I will not marry anyone. If that's the case, what's going to happen when I'm old and my parents have passed away and my older brother and older sister might either be incapacitated themselves or passed as well. If I don't leave any dependents, can I realistically expect my niece and nephews to take on the responsibility of caring for their aunt?

And what happens if I'm not just old, what if I develop Alzheimer's or something and I can't manage my own finances? It wouldn't be the first time in history someone took advantage of an elderly person who didn't have all their faculties. I know this is all sounds ludicrous, I just can't help worrying about what might happen to me if I don't find anyone and/or don't have kids.

I'm not sure which makes me more sad, that I'm keeping myself up at night worrying about my life 50 years from now or that it's this that's keeping me up and not the fear of never experiencing love and intimacy with another person.