Throw me a freakin bone

So physically I am feeling WAY better today, but today was not a whole lot better than yesterday. I got my haircut after work, which was great, but after leaving the salon, I learned that there was a fire on the T tracks downtown and all train service had completely shut down. After about a half hour of the T people not knowing what the F was going on, I boarded an awesome shuttle bus. So, a normally 45 minute trip door to door took me a whopping 2 1/2 hours. Yippee!

On the bright side, I guess you could call it a bright side, and as long as I figure out how this will work with my insurance, I'm going to see a therapist tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

I hate today

So not only is it GORGEOUS, and I mean sunny, cloudless, breezy, the whole nine yards, outside and I have nowhere fun to go, like a Memorial Day bbq or something, I have this medical problem (which I won't go into here) that has me down for the count today. I am miserable. I'm supposed to work my p/t job today 12-6:30, which was gonna be fine because I get paid time and a half, but called my boss to say I was sick. She is SUCH a hard ass. No sympathy whatsoever and then was like, "well, you know that's it's your responsibility to find someone to cover your shift when you call out." Bitch. So, I told her I might come in from 5-6:30 to help her close the store if that would help her out. I hate my boss and I hate today.

New poll:
In light of the fact that my salary grade at my f/t job is rising and I hate my p/t job, should I keep this gig to save some extra dough so that I can actually buy a home without depending on a spouse's supplementary income (which will never come) or say life's too short, fuck it and quit? Thoughts?

Three down, one to go

So the meeting with M and C went really well. It's easy to ignore the affect your actions can have on other people. To me, I was simply distancing myself from my friends to try and gain perspective and figure out why I resent them bitterly. To them, though, I am "clinically depressed" and in need of an intervention. I guess I can see why they were worried, but at least I was able to explain to them what I'm going through and tried to make them understand that I would probably never have the guts to do myself in. At the same time, now that I've met with them, I think they think things will go back to normal. I'm not sure if that's the case. I don't feel like the bitterness and resentment will just disappear just because we met and talked. I don't know. I still feel like I'm going to feel the same things when I'm around them. Not to mention all the things they updated me on, like how B bought a house with her husband and I'm sure kids are on the way soon, C bought a condo, M is thinking about having kids in the next 2 years. These things aren't going to bring us closer together...

So I talked to A, C, and M. Now, the only one that I feel like I need to talk to is K. That's the one I'm not looking forward to. Not only do I have to explain everything that's going on with me, I also have bones to pick with her about how she treats me as a friend. The way I feel like she only uses me to do certain activities, the way she has all these other friends that she hangs out with, but yet never invites anyone else to hang out with them, how she goes out all the time in the area, and by area I mean two block radius, where I work, but never invites me along, or how she doesn't respect my request for space by calling my land line to try and catch me because she knows I don't have caller ID on my house phone, or by showing up unannounced at my apt. I don't think she'll take it well. I don't want to do it, but I know I must because prolonging it will only make it worse. Right? Blech.

I have no answers

T actually emailed me back this morning, shocker. He was really nice and mentioned that he and a coworker went to this pub near where we both work that I had told him about. I thought he was being super sweet when he said "we'll have to go there sometime," except I read it wrong and he really said "we'll all have to go there sometime" meaning me and the other people he knows from school. Doh! I bet I won't hear from him for another six months.

I still haven't heard back from C and M about meeting this weekend. Weird. I was telling my sister, I have this weird feeling that M is preggers. She's mentioned a couple times wanting to talk to me in person. She also wanted to meet up with me over Easter weekend, but I had my nephew's birthday party and I had to work, so I honestly couldn't meet her. I mean, I would be totally happy for her if she was pregnant, but at the same time, this is exactly what I've been trying to explain to them. It's only going to push us further away. I have a friend from high school who has a baby and I feel like we are worlds apart now. Whenever we see each other, we always end up talking about the baby. It's like, who are we anymore? Do we keep in touch just because we've known each other so long? For this friend, I know it's because, for some reason, she asked me to be the godmother, which is completely weird considering I'm an atheist, but I digress.

I keep talking about having friends with which I can identify, but now I feel like I'm only fooling myself because, really, the only people I can identify with are bloggers that I don't really know at all. And the only reason I found them is because of the anonymity of blogging and the internet. How are you supposed to find these people in real life? I try to not mention anything about my personal life, or lack thereof, at work simply to avoid being asked questions or have to talk about relationships. Although, I did tell my boss and coworker about T, that was a mistake, since it only made me look like a loser. It's weird. People's love and relationship history is so apparent when you open up that door. Like, I know my coworker C only had one boyfriend before her husband. His name was Fabrizio and every relationship story involves him. Whereas my boss has talked about several different boyfriends from high school all the way up to before she met her husband. I wonder what they must think of me.

BTW: After my online dating subscription ran out, I joined a free dating site....why do I do this to myself? WHYYYYYY?

Masochistic to the end

Why, why do I do this to myself? I decided, on some random whim, to email T today at 4. He didn't write me back before I left work, which inevitably left me thinking why. I know that it was stupid, and yet I hit the send button and off it went. I didn't say much, except that sorry I missed his get-together and that maybe we should meet up for drinks or lunch sometime. Ugh! I disgust myself.

M and C want to meet me for lunch on Saturday. I guess C is back home from the Midwest for the weekend. I told them I had to work at 5 so as long as I can get home and ready for work by 5, then ok. Again, masochistic. It will not go well, I know it won't change anything.

On a happier note, I did find out today that my job is changing from a one-year term appointment to a full time position, which means higher pay grade and, most importantly, salary! yippee!

Holding my breath

So I decided to respond to M and C's cards and wrote them an email to explain why I was distancing myself from them. I basically just said what I wrote in my last post. I'm curious to see what they'll say...I don't know if I'm ready to hear it or deal with what comes next, but I guess I have no choice now.

Yeah, I know what you mean, sorta, well, actually not really...

I got a card in the mail yesterday from my college friend M. She basically wrote that she doesn't know why I'm distancing myself from everyone, but that's she there if I need her. C sent me a similar card about a month ago. I'm torn. Part of me wants to tell M and C what's going on, even though I thought A would've told them after we met for dinner that time. Part of me just wants to keep the distance and not deal with anything. I just don't think they will understand. Even if they do, I don't think it would change anything. C moved to the Midwest two years ago and even though there could still be a friendship via email or phone, I hate talking on the phone (especially with C because there's something about the tone of her voice, but she always sounds bored or disinterested). M lives in a different state too and I never get to see her either. I want friends I can hang out with, go out with, have fun with, and not just see maybe once or twice a year for dinner. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. I don't feel selfish, I feel sad and alone.

I also want friends I can identify with. I can't identify with any of my college friends. They've all moved on to other points in their lives. A tried to console me by saying that she was once in my shoes and that she can relate, but she's wrong. Before she met her boyfriend, A could at least identify with me. We were sort of on the same page with our luck with men. But now I'm the only one out of the group who's never been in love, never been in a serious relationship, never been intimate with someone more than once. So even though she thinks she can identify with where I am, she can't. But what's worse, in my eyes, is that I can't identify with where any of my friends are. Every time they tell me a story of what's going on in their lives, I have to pretend like I understand, like I can relate. Usually I just kept quiet, because what right did I have to give my two cents about anything. I have no basis for an opinion. That's partly why my relationship with K is rocky. Part of me feels like she used this to her advantage. She likes things the way she likes them and doesn't like to hear criticism or opposing views. I think she used to use me to unload all her shit on me knowing I wouldn't judge her, whereas I think she knew some of the other girls would speak up about some of the things she said and did. I know looking to the past is futile, but I still can't help but wish things could go back to the way they were when were all back in college, having fun, looking for love, trying to figure out who we were, but still all somewhat at the same place in our lives...*sigh*

My So-Called Life

I know that it's not just me because I've seen other people reference it in their blogs. Why is that I identify with the fifteen year old character Angela in My So-Called Life? I'm 27 years old, but I still to this day identify with the things she said and they way she saw and felt about the world.

Quote for today:

"I thought, at least, by the age of fifteen, I would have a love life. But, I don't even have a "like" life."

(Only, insert "age twenty seven" instead of fifteen and it's me)

I must be really bored

100 Things About Me

1. I’m addicted to Mountain Dew.
2. I’m an atheist.
3. But I went to Catholic school all my life.
4. And majored in Religious Studies in college.
5. I lost all my friends in 6^th grade for no reason except that kids are mean.
6. I lost them all again in 8^th grade.
7. My best friend in High School had a nervous breakdown and dropped out.
8. I pretty much never talked to her again.
9. I regret that.
10. I haven’t had a best friend since.
11. I went abroad in college to London.
12. I hated every minute of it.
13. Except when I traveled to France, Italy, and the Netherlands.
14. I like pot.
15. I don’t smoke it anymore because I do stupid things when I do.
16. I have freakishly good hearing.
17. And 20-10 vision.
18. I might be a superhero, but I don’t think so.
19. I don’t like chocolate too much.
20. But I love white chocolate.
21. I can’t eat ice cream cuz I got the ‘tose.
22. I have an older brother and an older sister.
23. Both are married with 2 kids each.
24. My father’s an alcoholic.
25. So are both my grandfathers and a whole bunch of other people in my family.
26. When I was younger, I used to dye my hair pink and shave it underneath.
27. I also had my eyebrow pierced.
28. I still have my belly button pierced, don’t ask me why.
29. I’ve never been in love and probably never will be.
30. I used to hate school, but now I wish I was still there.
31. I hate working a job, but I get bored when I don’t go.
32. I love to sleep.
33. I usually remember all of my dreams vividly.
34. I never thought I would wait to get married to have sex like my friends, but then they all ended up having sex before me.
35. I truly believe college is the best 4 years of your life. I’ve spent every day wishing I was still there.
36. I don’t want to turn into my father.
37. I like dark beer.
38. I hate hard alcohol, especially doing shots.
39. People think I’m artistic, but I think I’m no better than anyone else.
40. I hate talking on the phone.
41. I’m pretty clean, except when I’m lazy, which is often.
42. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was seventeen.
43. It was with a friend who told me, as we were making out, that he was interested in someone else.
44. I should have known then.
45. Sometimes I’m too honest for my own good.
46. I hate everything about the beach-the sun, the sand, the saltwater, the seaweed, the sunburn, the subsequent skin cancer….why does everything start with the letter “s”?
47. But I could never not live near the ocean.
48. I like those crazy shows on TLC like “The boy whose skin fell off” or “The man with the exploding arms.”
49. I had a dog named Buffy growing up.
50. I miss her all the time.
51. I love doing the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle.
52. I went to Australia when I was five to visit my aunt, uncle and cousins.
53. My aunt died a few years ago from an asthma attack.
54. I feel awful because sometimes I forget she’s dead since we never used to see her much anyway.
55. My favorite time of day is sunset. I think everyone looks beautiful in the light of dusk.
56. I never wear earrings; I think they make my ears look weird.
57. I hate gold jewelry.
58. I hate football with a passion.
59. I don’t like horror movies or slapstick comedy and now romantic comedies.
60. I hate Jim Carey and Dane Cook.
61. I think Conor Oberst is my soulmate.
62. I could eat a whole box of Somoa girl scout cookies in one sitting.
63. I hate my birthday. Each year it seems to get worse.
64. When people give me that extra 4 cents at the register, I can’t do the math to give them change-embarrassing.
65. I used to hate flared jeans, then started wearing them, then skinny jeans became trendy.
66. I will never wear skinny jeans.
67. I go to the movies by myself.
68. Sometimes I think the people who know me best, don’t know me at all.
69. And vice-versa.
70. I have a really bad sugary sweet tooth.
71. I think a ghost used to live in my house growing up.
72. I don’t speak another language, but wish I did.
73. I don’t play an instrument, but wish I did.
74. I have curly hair.
75. But I straighten it everyday.
76. I hate roller coasters.
77. I ran cross country in high school and played softball.
78. I got hit in the face with a softball and am now scared of the ball.
79. I hate motorcycles and tattoos.
80. I had my hand slammed in a car door.
81. When I was seven, I was hit in the head with a baseball bat by my best friend.
82. I regret not slutting it up in college.
83. I regret a lot of things.
84. I hate my sister-in-law.
85. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong decade.
86. I know all the words to the Princess Bride by heart.
87. I am a romantic.
88. I remember exactly where I was and what I was wearing on 9/11.
89. I’m mostly Irish and Scottish.
90. I have the fairest skin and hoards of freckles to prove it.
91. I love every part of traveling-airports, planes, living out of a suitcase, hotels, sightseeing…
92. I hate Yahtzee.
93. I hate that I don’t flirt well.
94. When I was younger, I used to put my feet on everything, and annoy my sister.
95. I’m getting really sick of this list.
96. I hate my part-time job.
97. I would rather be blind than deaf because I could not live without music.
98. But I would rather sign than have to walk with a stick or guide dog.
99. I used to want to be an archaeologist.
100. Instead, I became an archivist.

Blah Blah Blah

I went down to my parents house for the weekend because my friend from high school was having a birthday party for her one year old and I'm her godmother (ironically). At the party, she announced she was pregnant again. I can't believe someone I went to high school with is not only married, but has a kid and another on the way. I feel like I live in some weird alternate universe where everyone else grows up and I stay the same age.

T sent out an email today to me and a bunch of other people from school to go out Saturday night to celebrate the end of the semester. I was completely relieved because I have to work that night, so I won't even have to debate on whether or not to go. I haven't seen him since January and it's probably better that way. I feel like the less I see him, the less I'll think that there is something there, which of course, there isn't and never will be. I might not even respond to it at all...