As I was riding the escalator up from the T this morning, someone had written on the handrail "I spend my life waiting." I would say that that pretty much sums up my life. Waiting for something good to happen to me, waiting for someone to notice me, waiting to fall in love, waiting for someone to give my flowers, waiting to be happy...I hate waiting.
Dinner with A went better than I expected. It was awkward at first, she couldn't understand why I needed space from everyone, why it was so hard to be around them. She thought I was being so extreme and that all friends grow apart on some level after college. I tried to explain it to her as best I could. I hope she could see that I was being honest and not intentionally trying to hurt anyone. I thought it was amusing that she was surprised I've considered suicide. To me, it seems like a natural thought process. "It would be easier for everyone if I wasn't here." Or wishing at night as I'm falling asleep to not wake up, wishing a car to plow me over, wishing to get hit crossing the street. I've thought them for so long, probably since I was 13 (I'm 27 now) that it doesn't really phase me. Hopefully I will have some peace for a while until I figure out what I want to do about them.
On a related note, K showed up at my apt unannounced tonight. She wanted to come in and talk. She said she brought wine...I was like, yeah, no, I'm tired. It was already 9:15, which even though it's Friday and to the rest of the world is really early, is pretty close to my bedtime. I told her it wasn't a good time. (Plus I was in the middle of watching "Waitress") I had a feeling that she would show up like that, I just didn't know when. I have to figure out how to handle her. I'm actually pretty upset with her and the way she treats me, and I'm not sure how to talk to her about it. I feel like she uses me to do "friend" type things when it's convenient for her. She'll ask me to go shopping or do lunch, but only when nobody else is around. She'll go out on the weekends with friends or coworkers and not invite me. I don't get her. I don't know if that's a friendship worth saving.
The waiting continues....
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Sorry about getting a whole bunch of comments from me in one go, but I'm reading through the posts right now...and...it's weird. In some aspects, the stuff you've written about is stuff I know all too much about -- and it's not something I really talk about with my friends.
At the beginning of this year, I actually "tested" a lot of them by not getting in touch with them to see which ones were really friends...and even then, I got the feeling that some of them were just using me because I've always been the all-too-accomodating pseudo therapist, who'd do all the listening.
As for the suicide thing -- I've been there.
In my old blog, I wrote a post about it...about how, sometimes, the pain of loneliness and depression just made it hard to breathe, you know? Like, it was this weight in my chest and I'd find myself lying awake at night, just staring at the ceiling, wondering why I was still doing this...breathing in and out.
Now? Well, I'm a little older than you -- I'm 29-turning-30 this year and I think the difference between now and then is that I'm more defiant and angry about things.
Writing sort of helps -- I try to leave things behind after writing them out. I keep busy with other things.
It doesn't mean I'm all happy all the time. I'm just better at dealing with things, I think. (Or at least that's what I tell myself.)
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