So, I haven't heard from either one of the guys that I talked to almost two weeks ago now. Neither one has even been online since we initially talked. I was telling myself that last weekend was a holiday weekend so I shouldn't expect anything because people have plans, get busy, whatever. The professor said he was going to the UK for a wedding, so I figured, he's out of the country. Excuses, excuses, same old shit I do to try and make believe that I actually have hope. I logged onto the online dating site I'm on and the professor deleted his account. So, unless he by chance happens to log online again, I don't have a way of talking to him anymore. Figures. Aaaand this is exactly why I don't get my hopes up.
I think I should change my blog title from Kisses from God to Punches from God or Bruises from God haha. Because thinking my freckles are kisses to show how much he loves me is alone ridiculous, not just because I'm atheist, but because it doesn't even makes sense if there was a god. I have been pushed down when I'm up more times than I've been happy, happy is a strong word, more like mildly indifferent, and kicked when I'm down on top of that. It would just be a more fitting title considering the luck I've had in my life.
Oh well, at least I know what I'm in for and know that I can live this way for some time and avoid self-harm. It would probably be worse for someone who had known what love, even like, was like and then had that taken away. I guess never having known it is a blessing in disguise. Fuck, maybe I should be thanking god, ya know, if he existed.
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2 comments:
Yeah, I remember love. There are times I want to feel it again so badly that it hurts. It looks as if it will never happen again, as it has been YEARS!
regarding your last paragraph:
I wonder about that too sometimes... some days I think, well, at least you don't know what you're missing. but other days I can't help but think that it's some sort of waste. I have to think that even if I only experienced love once and never again for the rest of my life, at least I wouldn't be wondering what it's like anymore. while I'd probably miss what I had, at least I wouldn't wrack my brains out, whenever I see a couple holding hands, trying to envision what the hell it's like to just hold hands with someone... I feel as though even if you've loved and lost, you've at least lost the yearning and burning curiosity about what those experiences are like. I heard someone say once that it's often hard for those who've experienced love and sex to fathom someone who's gone their whole life without it, but that for those who've missed out, it's 10 times harder to fathom what Any affection is like, let alone affection on a regular basis...
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