So, due to the stress of my parents' dysfunctional marriage and the stress of possible upcoming layoffs at my work and the never ending depression of never finding someone to love me, I have consequently gained 7 lbs in the last two weeks. Yay! Just what I need.
It feels so gross. It's all in my gut and I look about 4 months pregnant, which is even more depressing because it only leads my mind to think how sad it is that it can't even be a possibility. I think it's all cortisol because this exact same thing happened when I was in grad school. Then, poof, it all went away as soon as I was finished with my program. Although, I'm afraid the situation with my parents will never end and even if I don't get laid off, I'll still probably never get laid.
I feel fat. I feel gross. I feel ugly.
My coworker told me I need to de-stress. Easier said than done. I would take a vacation, if I had dough to just throw around and not save to help buy a place all by my lonesome. Massages cost money. Spas cost money. Laying on the couch only makes me feel fatter. Laying on the beach gives me skin cancer. The only thing I've been doing to take the edge off is have a beer or a latte here and there...which are full of calories. I don't know what to do.
I wish there was something in this world that brought me happiness. My family causes me stress, my niece and nephews only remind me how I'll never have kids. Hanging out with my friends only remind me that I'm the only one I know who's alone. I just want someone to come home to who will give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright. I want to be able to hug him and nestle my head into his chest and cry. It's just doesn't feel the same with your pillow.
I'm going for a run, not that that will help.
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3 comments:
I tend to gain weight in the summertime. The heat causes me to exercise less and crave more sugary things. Not necessarily ice cream, but chocolate or cookies.
Would you ever consider a dog or a cat if you don't already have one? They love to cuddle. I know animals are expensive, but they can be well worth it.
I would absolutely LOVE a dog, but can't have one in my current apartment. They only allow cats, which I'm not really a fan of.
Hi, been browsing through your blog and can relate to a lot of your experiences. Chin up.
Just wondering, have you ever considered going back to school? Going back to get an MBA or a J.D? I know that you may not necessarily want to be a lawyer or know what to do with an MBA, but I think you can lead a very fullfilling life even if you did not "love" your job. If you went back to school, you would be in a new social environment with plenty of opportunities to meet people including non irritating friends and bfs. You would also gain a sense of personal accomplishment from obtaining such a prestigious degree. You would also be able to hide (if you wanted to) under the guise of being extremely "busy" to avoid people and social situations you do not want to be a part of. Most importantly, you would be starting off on a new exciting journey. If you are not rich, then yes you will have to take out a 6 figure loan to pay for your education, but if you really get an MBA or JD, and work hard to do well in your class, you will end up with an extremely lucrative job with a high starting salary. You would also be the educated driven career women instead of someone who just got married and had kids. Seriously, my point is even if you went back to school and did not end up with a boyfriend or more friends, you will end up with a better job and hopefully more money to spend on yourself for things such as exotic vacations or a pick me up mani/pedi/massage/facial here and there. Please don't lose hope, even though all your friends seem to be getting married/having kids, just know its not too late for you to find happiness, i really believe love is one of the few things in life that has a "magic" component to it, ie - you can be alone for 29 years and randomly meet your husband while flower shopping.
I understand to an extent some of the things you are going through because I feel them too. You will probably think I'm still young and shouldn't complain about my situation, I'm not trying to trivialize your experiences or anything, but I am in my last few months of college and am nowhere near where I thought I'd be at the end of college. I still havent had my first bf or first kiss. I guess I was browsing through blogs today of all days because its Valentine's day and once again I'm alone. I lost all of the best friends I had during high school and I'm just generally feeling lost and I'm not exactly sure if it ever will get better. I can def see myself carrying on this way for the next 10 years. In the same way that you felt when your girlfriends got engaged/married one by one, I got that gut sinking feeling as my girlfriends entered their first relationships one by one (ahh that long dreaded text of omg he asked me out!) and then needing to text back (oooooooh congrats! hope to meet him sooon!) lol. I try to keep my spirits up and think that my time will come. but it just seems like I can't break out of my pattern, I've always felt like the last person to do everything (last to be asked to prom, last to have a bf etc etc) I can honestly see myself in 10 years when all my friends are married w/kids and I'm still waiting for my first real relationship. hey you're not alone.
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