These stupid rainy weekends always put me in a more depressed mood than usual. Today I've been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. So beware, this is sort of a bitchfest.
After months of struggling with the decision to divorce my father, my mother decided to put the divorce on hold after my father *promised* to go to AA and work on his addiction. This news should make me happy, but in fact it actually upsets me more.
I've seen all of what she has had to endure emotionally, psychologically, and physically that I just don't want her to go through any more. I've also seen his pattern of saying it'll get better and that he wants to work it out and then disappointing her. I have a feeling that his latest attempt at reconciliation is under false pretenses. I think he's either lonely now that the holiday season is approaching, he's missing his grandkids he's not allowed to see and thinks repairing the marriage will rectify that, or he's just plain tired of cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes and dishes and wants her to do it for him again.
Even though I am his daughter and I am connected to the situation, I think growing up I definitely saw things through different eyes than my mother. I wasn't married to him and I didn't have to stay with him and live with him forever. After high school it was only summers in college that I had to endure his behavior and his verbal abuse to my mom. I feel like I developed a more objective view of their relationship because he really was never a dad to me, just someone who happened to be my father.
It's funny that as a person who's never had a real relationship I feel as though I have a good idea of what a healthy one should be. It probably is the reason I am so picky with who I want to be with, which I think I've written about previously.
With all of this going on, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it or someone to get my mind off of it and cheer me up. I know I can call my friends, but they have their own stuff going on and sometimes it's random times during the day that I wish I could talk to a best friend, have them give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. That guy from The Wedding Singer was right, that's all I really want.
I hate that everything I want is so unattainable to me-love, a house, a normal family. I know everyone's family is not "normal" but I wish that I was actually able to envision a wedding for myself, but I can't. My father wouldn't be in the picture. We don't talk to half my family because of family fights. There's a couple "bad sheep," one of which is currently in jail. I think there would be less than 10 people on my side there. We can barely have any normal family functions. This Thanksgiving is a good example. My brother invited my dad (he still talks to him for some reason which I cannot understand), he didn't end up going, but he didn't even invite me (single and all alone!) or my sister and her family. So my brother and sister each spent the holiday alone. So weird. I ended up going with my mom to my grandparents house and my neurotic aunt and my 35 yr old cousin, who my grandparents and aunt still support, were there! Hello, you're 35, grow up!
I can't afford a home because I don't make a lot in my profession and probably never will so owning without the help of someone else (and I cannot handle a roommate at this point in my life) is out of the question. I'm beginning to hate this stupid apartment. My downstairs neighbor plays his bass SO loud, it's ridiculous. I told him to lower it the day he moved in, but I still hear it every day. Last night I was so upset I stomped on the floor out of frustration. I hate that it's come to that. I can't even get a dog here, which I'd love to have for company and some love in my life.
I think my friends think that I should go to therapy for everything that I'm feeling, but I've tried that and I don't feel like it really helped. Besides, a therapist can't repair my family for me, they wouldn't be able to buy me a home, and I don't think it's in their job description to find me a date. I understand that a therapist would help you deal with you problems and maybe accept your life as it is, be thankful for what you do have. But why would I want to accept and be happy with this life? Isn't it everyone's dream to find love and happiness? Why would I want to accept a life of loneliness? I am thankful for what I do have and know that some people have much less than I do, materialistically that is, but there are some people who have so much less but at the same time have so much more than I do, emotionally that is. I think I'd give up everything I have to love someone who'd love me back.
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6 comments:
I can relate to every word of this blog. Only difference is that I didn't have to watch my father self-destruct and abuse those around him. He was pretty much absent from my life since I was 10, and the disease killed him four years ago. It was such a surreal experience to get that call.
I'm sorry. It's a horrible addiction to watch, isn't is?
It's a very weird feeling to be the daughter of an alcoholic. Growing up I can remember praying that he would get sick with a cold or the flu because he wouldn't drink when he was sick. My boss, whose father is also an alcoholic, said she used to pray that hers would die, just so it would all stop.
Honestly, I almost wish that now, as bad as that sounds, or at least for him to get in an accident and go to jail. Maybe it's not the same for you since yours is gone now, so I don't mean to offend you, it's just a really weird feeling. My biggest fear is that he'll drive drunk and kill someone else and I think that would sadden me more than if he only killed himself.
I completely understand what you mean. I hate that you have to watch him destroy himself and your mom. I feel like I'm a better person because my father wasn't in my life during my teen years. Although, there is also a feeling of no closure. I wish you luck with you and your family. I don't think addicts realize how many lives their problems affect.
I do identify with the feeling that you'd give everything up just to have someone who loves you. Although I'm sure your family loves you, however dysfunctional it is. Have you thought about talking to you mum about your feelings about her relationship with your dad, or would this just make things worse?
Believe me, I have. My sister and I have both tried talking to her. She just can't get over the fact that she's been with him for 42 years and married for 37. To us it doesn't matter how long you've committed yourself to a person, when it's bad, you need to get out for your own mental and physical health. It's hard, yeah, but it's necessary. She just can't get past the memories and years spent with him. She remember the good times, I'm sure, when she really needs to remind herself of everything he's put her through and deprived her of. There's just no getting through to her. She loves him and probably always will.
I can relate to the father thing, my dad started emotionally abusing me after he divorced my mum and I've only recently made the decision to stop seeing him. It's so hard for me because I feel like he is meant to be such a massive part of my life and he's not but I mean all you can really do at the end of the day is do what's best for yourself because I know I would just continue to be unhappy if I continued seeing him. It must be so hard for your mum though because I guess she's feeling all the things your feeling about wanting someone to love her and because she's been with your dad for so long, it must be easier for her to just pretend everything's OK just so she can stay him. I hope everything gets better for you.
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