So today is my anniversary. It's my 5 year anniversary of having been with anyone, kissed anyone, whatever. It's been 5 years and it feels like it's forever. My title is a lie, time doesn't fly, it goes by extremely painfully slow. It doesn't feel like yesterday; it feels like another lifetime. It feels like another life, another me. The person I am today, man, I can't even imagine myself in a situation where someone would kiss me, or be interested in kissing me, or be interested in me at all.
I still have my day planner from that year and in the back in the notes section where you would normally keep addresses and lists and whatnot, I wrote a little note to myself. I said "in a year where I have accomplished so much, finished my degree, got a full time job in a career that I loved and not just a job that I hated, it's funny that I feel suicidal." Funny how little things change. Even after five years I still feel the pain of that awful night, that blacked out decision. I'd take it all back. What does it really mean anyway? What am I really supposed to tell someone about that? I guess there's nobody to tell but all of you..few.
It still pains me to know that I even liked my gay coworker. I get mad at myself that I should've known somehow. I'm still having issues with drinking more than I should, mostly when hanging out after work with him. It's not so much that I'm upset that he's gay, because actually I'm liking him less and less as I get to know him, it's more that I let myself get my hopes up in the first place. I should've known better.
Even recently, I went on a pub crawl with a friend of mine and the instant we got there I saw this guy I liked and who was totally my type. I pointed him out at the second bar to my friend from across the room. Then, later, he ended up right near us and she said, "Oh, he's cute." I said, "I know, right." It was only later that I figured it out that she didn't realize it was the same guy. So, essentially, we thought the same guy was cute. We ended up talking to him by the fourth bar and hanging out with him the rest of the night. He just moved here from the midwest and didn't have many friends here. We walked to the train together and decided to exchange numbers. My friend gave her hers first but his train came and so I said I'd get his number from her and just text him so he'd have mine. Well, 2 minutes later he texted her saying "let me know if you want to hang out sometime." She goes, "what did he text you?". "Nothing." And so it was awkward then because she knew I liked him and knew it's been a long time for me and said she'd step back, but clearly he texted her, not me. And I didn't want to just text him to go out 1. if he liked her more and 2.because if he didn't like me, i'd still like to have him as a friend considering I am seriously lacking in male friends. But, in the end, it was all too weird, and nothing has happened.
And this is my life. I don't expect for anything else to happen given that I am more and more content to just sit on my ass in front of the TV weekend after weekend rather than subject myself to the bar scene with young girls wearing spandex mini dresses and heels trying to vie for the attention that I will never receive.
I guess I should look on the positive side of things. If I've made it 5 years, I can surely make it 10, and if I can make it 10 then I can surely make it 20. By then, I'm guessing that I'll be the one who ends up asking my parents to live with me since my brother and sister have families of their own. Then, I'll be the 50 year old who lives and cares for her 80 year old parents and I'll fill my time with that. Maybe it will even be less lonely then.
In the meantime, I'm considering getting a dog. I know that they're a lot of work, but sometimes I just want to come home from work and greet a face that's actually happy to see me and who will love me unconditionally.
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11 comments:
A mantra I've found serves me quite well is that if you can't be happy alone, you'll never be happy with someone. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but please believe me when I say I can empathize with your situation. Hell, take away you being 4 years older than me, add in the fact my last ex-GF robbed me. Literally. Oh, and change genders... and we're carbon-copies. But there are worse things in life than being alone. Something I realized only after the crazy ex, who I was with only out of a fear that otherwise I'd be doomed to be forever alone, is that I had something in myself I needed to change. I was never happy with her, and I wasn't happy without her either. The common element there was me. I'm note saying you should be satisfied with being alone. I'm saying you need to find out how to be happy with just yourself. You are special. If you want anyone else to see that, you have to see it yourself first.
I clicked next blog from my blog and I got you, does that mean we are blog neighbors ?
sadness is every where we have to focus on the good, time goes by so slowly till you look at the calendar and April 2012 is half over already ! holy cow ! I hope you are doing better, look for something to do on weekends to please yourself, learn something new, it is then that you start meeting people that will be good for your life, bars are seldom great relationship starting points ! tho we all try them LOL!
I'm just back a blog if ever you need a friendly blogger.
Jeepers. I have been married 30 years. I only today I heard on the radio that most young people want to be married or in a committed relationship..and the first thought I had was WHY? Why would you want to give up your freedom in life to be married or committed to someone?
I do know , however, that I was 29 before i was married..and the moment I decided and accepted that I would not ever bbe married (I had never had a healthy relationship prior to the man I married) I relaxed, contented, and doing the things I like to do. I quit LOOKING...and there he was...just jthere...not the type of guy I thought I wanted..but in many ways he was exactly what I wanted..and still is...just that with being married freedom is not an option..married is ok..but after 30 years...freedom would be okay too..
Best of Luck at finding happiness..either alone or with someone else..life is too short for lamentations of better things...things are better now..enjoy.
hold on... :)
you listen to bright eyes? if you do, sweet. i didn't really read any other ....howdoyoucallit iforgot... posts, so i have no way of knowing. i know - lazy, sorry.
i'm 18 and i've never even came close to flirting with anybody, and technically i'm bi and not ugly, so there. i wonder how it happened. or more like, how come nothing had happened? but i think in my case the phrase "you're still young [=a child]" applies
i like the fact that you haven't really abadoned this blog through all these years. maybe i'll catch up on the posts sometime. :;
cheer up :) if you ever come to south, look me up...I am going to raise some bees. come and get some honey. I'm not weird or anything..I think you just need a friend. God loves you.. Hope things are going your way
You should definitely keep writing. I found my blog to be very therapeutic during my single time - my alone time. The right person comes when you least expect it, never sell yourself short.
I just read your blog and I just wanted to say keep your chin up! Start doing things that make you happy people are drawn to happiness even if at first you have to fake it eventually you might start believing it... everything can change in a day there are millions of people out there so think if tomorrow was the day what would you want your first impression to look like?
Good luck :)
I know exactly how you felt! After having a severe depression I bought a dog to actually fill my emptiness but she couldn't fill that hole on my heart still. Then I went round and round and everywhere looking for someone to accept me unconditionally but no one was there. "Am I this bad?" I always thought. I was so desperate that I had this thought in my mind "if nobody wants to be my boyfriend at the end, I'll just marry anyone I meet on the street. Don't care if he loves me or not."
Then one time I don't know why but I just wanted to read and chanced upon a bookstore. Picked up a book called Say Hello to Courtship and another book titled Young Lady in Waiting. It's an eye opener and so mind-changing to know the facts about true happiness. My loneliness has started to fade away since then and now I'm fine being alone :) happy as can be! Alone but not lonely :)
I just found your blog and read it all in one sitting. I hope you come back to this blog and write some more. I find you to be very relatable (not your life events necessarily, but your outlook on life as a whole). I hope some peace has found you. Cheers.
Nice post, thank you for sharing !
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