So, if you're like me and live in New England, you know that it is hotter than hell outside. Right now I'm sitting directly in front of my fan while the AC I just got hot and sweaty putting in all by myself cools down my bedroom. I know many, many people love this kind of weather, i.e. summer, but frankly, I hate it. I would love to live somewhere where its sunny and 68 year round. That's pretty much San Diego, right? Note to self: move to San Diego ASAP.
So update on the shrink. She's okay I guess. I mean, I've never been to a therapist before so I don't know if she's good or bad or what. Mostly, she's just been asking me questions about my life and my upbringing and stuff. I really wish I could start talking about the now instead of the past, maybe in my next session... The reason is really because I am so fucking bored. Even though I hate this weather, it is the type where you want to be out and about with people doing something, not sticking to your couch watching HGTV and Cast Away for the millionth time. (Although, it is scary how much I can relate to that man trapped on an island all alone.) I really do want to have a social life, and of course it's easiest with the people who know you and who you've known for a long time, not that I have any other people to hang out with. Lately, for some reason, it's been worse. I feel like people at work are constantly asking me "what are your plans for the weekend?" or "what'd you do last weekend?" and thank god I have the excuse that I have to work my PT job otherwise I don't know what I'd say. I guess I would lie because whenever I say "nothing" I totally see pity in their eyes. I hate that.
I signed up for this website where you join different groups and do stuff together. Mostly, I signed up for girls night out type groups, but also book clubs, a running group, and an indie music group. I haven't gone to any of the meetings yet. I know I should at least give them a shot, but it's so hard to create that friendship base that you build everything else on. It's hard to gauge people's personalities and senses of humor, especially when you see them rarely, so really you don't, well, I don't feel comfortable letting my real self show until much later. I feel like I'm in a catch-22 where I want to hang out with my old friends, but still don't think I can handle it. I've been thinking about emailing K and talking to her finally, but I'm still procrastinating. Maybe I'll ask my therapist about it.
I am melting into my couch.
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2 comments:
It sounds like we're both trying to do the same thing -- putting ourselves out there, trying to make more friends. I actually just wrote a post about that. Hopefully you have more luck than I do.
Lately, I've been wondering if maybe it's just me, you know? (And in my darker moments, I wonder, "Does the universe really hate me this much?")
Melodramatic, I know.
No need to apologize -- really.
As for your friend, M -- OMG, I hate that. A friend of mine said pretty much the same thing to me awhile back -- except, I think she made me feel more of a loser than anything else. The way she put it, you'd think that it was all my fault for not being able to find someone.
But some things are totally out of your hands, aren't they? I mean, you can't help it if you're sitting there, totally open to striking up a conversation with someone, and nobody that interests you happens to walk by. How do you control something like that, anyway?
All of this being said...I don't think I could ever settle.
I used to read this girl's blog and she did the whole online dating thing. The guy she's with now? She doesn't even really like him all that much and it sounds like she's convinced herself that he's right for her because there doesn't seem to be any other options. And when I read her blog, I just feel this vague sense of disappointment, you know?
I mean, I get what it's like to be lonely and everything, but when I read about someone who's obviously settling, I think, "Well, how is that situation any better than being alone?"
As for your other comment about feeling all alone in this world with nobody to connect with...I get you. I totally get what you're saying. Sometimes, the loneliness just washes all over me and it's like, it hurts to breathe. I wonder, "How the fuck am I still alive? Why haven't I keeled over and died from this loneliness yet?"
Funny, isn't it? How I have nobody in "real" life to say this to...or rather, nobody I'd feel comfortable enough to say it to because I'm afraid of making them uncomfortable.
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