"What's with today, today?"

Really, what's up with this week? I don't know what's different about this week, but I've been super down. I think Monday set the tone, but it wasn't just that stuff. And I don't even feel like the meetings with my therapist are very helpful. I know people say it helps to talk, and I guess, it sort of does, but it helps more when people offer you solutions or advice to help you get over your problems, which she doesn't do much of. I wish someone, oh I don't know, maybe a fairy godmother, would come along and wave a magic wand and just make everything better.

Mostly, this week I've been lonely, for the male gender, that is. I don't know why now more than lately, because it's not like I'm a stranger to long stretches. I mean, come on now, my life is pretty much one dry spell. To top it off, the last guy I kissed was um, well, someone I'd like to forget altogether.

I don't know what to do. Thinking back, every guy I've ever hooked up with (which thinking about it is pretty gross...that I've only ever hooked up with (and no, that does not mean slept with) guys as a one-time thing that never turned into anything and have never had a real serious relationship) I've met while out with my friends. I feel like I'm trapped. I almost feel a little bi-polar/schizo-ish thinking about it. I want friends, but I can't relate to my friends, but I still care about them, but I feel like crap around them, I want to go out and meet people, but have nobody to go out with, and even if I meet new friends, it's such a pain to start from scratch to get to know people, and then I'd probably experience the same thing with them, they'd move on and get married and leave me behind, again.

It's the same with men too. I want to meet a man, but I don't have friends to go out with to meet a man, even if I met one, I'm honestly scared to death of going through the process. I don't have history to talk about, will they think I'm weird? I'm not what you'd exactly call experienced, and I HATE when guys talk to you in that tone, do you know the tone I'm talking about? You can hear it switch on as soon as you say "I've never done this before" or something to that effect. It's like you can taste the pity. Ugh, who wants to deal with that.

Is there such a thing as an octuplet-edged sword? Cuz I feel like I'm being stabbed everywhere.

Not to EVEN mention work this week. I literally thought I was going to KILL my coworker. She is SO ...I don't even know the words to describe her. She is so fake. She tries to make herself seem so smart to everyone. I seriously think she reads the New Yorker and listens to NPR JUST to shove facts in people's faces and test their knowledge against hers. I think she has some serious self-esteem issues, always trying to one-up me in meetings or counter something I've said.

Friday was the kicker. We were talking about a museum that I've been to but she hasn't. She asked what kind of art it had. And I could literally picture it in my head, but I couldn't remember the name of the genre. She goes "Weren't you an Art History major?" I wanted to say "Aren't you a rude bitch?" Sorry I can't recall something I learned in undergard 10 YEARS AGO. All I said was "Well, I was general Fine Arts and took more studio than Art History."

Then she asked me if I had plans for the weekend. Of course all I could come up with is "I have to work," "Both days?" "No, just Sunday." In my head: "So, no I am not doing anything tonight or Saturday, happy?" My boss later asked me what I was doing this weekend. I said nothing, and I literally saw her brows crease as if looking at me like a pathetic loser.

I am at a loss. To agree with ecrivain, it's crippling. If the man-loneliness doesn't get me, the friend-loneliness will, and if neither of those gets me, the embarassment of the lack of both definitely will be the nail in the coffin. Excuse me while I self-implode.