So, I obviously haven't posted in a really long time. Some of you might think that the reason is that maybe I got lucky and found someone, things are finally on the upswing, that I'm happy. Unfortunately, that's not the case at all. It's way more uninteresting and depressing than that. Nothing has really changed at all, for the better or for the worse. Well, that may be debatable.
I just got really tired of vomiting up my depression for all the world to view. Besides, it wasn't really making me feel any better. Don't get me wrong, knowing that I'm not alone and that other people are in similar situations does bring me comfort and I continue to read all your blogs daily. For some reason, I just can't really stomach mine anymore.
The only reason I'm posting now is because I turned 30 on Thursday. It actually wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be for the past decade. I think it's probably because I've been prepping myself for the day for a really long time. My birthday has always been a sore subject for me. It's always around the long weekend, so inevitably, everyone's always too busy to celebrate. I've also had a string of bad birthdays, the worst was when I had my wisdom teeth out and spent my 20th birthday vomiting up blood. The next year was supposed to be an awesome one, the big 21. Yeah. I spent it home alone watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Nobody took me out. My first adult drink I bought for myself.
I try to avoid anyone finding out about it too because it's not something I really want to celebrate anyway. I'm pretty sure I have Peter Pan syndrome. I'm sure being alone and unaccomplished might have something to do with that. So I don't list it on Facebook and didn't let anyone post on my wall that day. The people who I really care about sent me a text, and that was all I wanted. I spent the day at a museum and the movies followed by 4 beers while listening to depressing music and crying myself to sleep. The perfect day.
In other news, in case you really want some cheer...
Things with my family continue to be crappy. I still haven't spoken to my dad since April of 09. I'm open now to meeting with him, with a mediator to help guide the conversation. Things with my sister and my mother are still strained. Things with my sister and sister-in-law are still strained. So that's all been a joy to deal with.
The atmosphere at work is becoming unsettling. Things seem to be changing in a way that I suppose is good for my office. Things, as always, are moving towards technology with a high demand for things faster and easier and by changing, my office is avoiding becoming obsolete, except the drawback of that is that my work and the work of my colleagues is veering very much away from what we actually went to school to study. I've been kind of unhappy for a while, not just with my job, but with this town. I feel like I need a change. Unfortunately, there aren't many jobs elsewhere or anywhere for that matter and I am not one to move without a steady income.
Ugh, see, I don't even like this post. Just word garbage.
On a final note...I have a mouse in my apt. Glee!
P.S. I do appreciate those of you that have expressed concerned over my absence...you're honestly the only ones that notice when I'm not "there."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
21 comments:
For what it's worth, I don't think it's "word garbage." I mean, have you seen the kind of crap I continually write about in my blog?
You know, I sort of think that when you reach your thirties (I'm two years in), life becomes a little bit easier. The twenties are a shit show. You've officially become an adult and you're transitioning from school to adulthood and trying to achieve all those things that you feel like you "ought to" achieve.
But then, you reach your thirties and you gradually stop caring about defining your life by what you "ought" to do and life starts getting a little easier. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself. The big part (for me, anyway) was the gradual letting go of all the disappointment I feel about being single.
It sounds like you've made strides on the family front if you're at a place where you can at least contemplate meeting with him.
Bah. Maybe what I'm writing here is word garbage. I just wanted to leave you a note to say...well, I read recently that you always need to remind yourself that when you're having a bad day, bad month, or even bad year, that it's not going to always be this way.
I found that oddly comforting, so I'm passing it along.
I was sick in bed with a cold sweat and a fever for my 21st birthday. And I had girl troubles too!
oh well...
god bless.
your blog is great. Thanks@!
Well, i think its not garbage. i do agree with others here. and happy belated birthday :)
sometimes, things around us becomes uncontrolled. job stressed me out, often times, with some annoying staff there. but i wont let it to be burden in my days and damage my joy :). I am sure, or maybe you fixed it out because its long since you have posted this. Hope everything is fine now and you get your time back with your dad ^.^
Cheer up!
Hey, I'm 32 and single. It's not easy living on your own. This past year has really bummed me about that too. And as friends get married and settle down, they care less about what's happening for you (or not) as the case may be. I don't want to bum you even more (cause to be fair my mum would tell you to give yourself a good shake and you're still alive!), but I just want you to know other people feel like this too. It's hard. But, I still think there is someone out there for me... and I'd rather be by myself than settle for the wrong person like some of my friends.
I'm going to turn 30 in two weeks and feel almost exactly the same way your describing. oh,well
hmm dont know what to say
but i think u must not let bad thing control ur life , u r the only one who makes ur life better or not
sorry for bothering u even u dont know me ,, but ur words made me post comment on ur entry
and sorry i cant expressed anymore
my English dosnt help unfortunately
one advice : Keep smiling
that's pretty helpful ^__^
hey i might be too young to say anything here but read nabehal.blogspot.com ,she has started writing just now and is only 21. but the way she thinks about life might surprise you all..
Cheers
hey i might be too young to say anything here but read nabehal.blogspot.com ,she has started writing just now and is only 21. but the way she thinks about life might surprise you all..
Cheers
interesting, though you may not know it...good luck!
My heart goes out to you and i hope you smile knowing that some random stranger wants you to smile.
I thought your words were beautifully tragic and not garbage at all.
I know you probably wont like this, but sometimes you have to feel sad to appreciate the happy times.
Here's one of my favourite quotes hopefully it will inspire you to think about your life differently.
“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” ~Groucho Marx
With all the love I can give to a stranger,
Mary.
I read your last entry on here and after reading it all i could think was i hope she is okay,and i really sincerely hope that thing are better for you and want you to know that although i don't know you i care :)
Hey there, hope things are looking better for you, I miss you posting.
Peter Pan syndrome. Funny. :P However, I sympathize with you, man.
Hey,
I'm only thirteen, so I can't really give any advice about turning thirty, but I know how you fell in terms of feeling alone.
The key is to just hang on.
And you mentioned listening to sad music... Seriously, don't do that. It doesn't help you.
Music helps me when I'm feeling really depressed, try the band Blue October or Paramore.
Hang on in there,
xx
Hey,
I'm only thirteen, so I can't really give any advice about turning thirty, but I know how you fell in terms of feeling alone.
The key is to just hang on.
And you mentioned listening to sad music... Seriously, don't do that. It doesn't help you.
Music helps me when I'm feeling really depressed, try the band Blue October or Paramore.
Hang on in there,
xx
I have the same birthday/year as you. I won't say "Happy birthday." I feel your pain.
OMG -- this is the funniest blog I've ever read! Keep writing! It's hysterical.
Thanks for sharing!!!
Hello, this blog is so true for many women who face loneliness. However, the Spirit of Jah can fill all pain. I know, because for many years I always placed someone in my life to avoid pain and ended up getting a double dose of it. I know that being alone can be a real drag, however, it is true, you get what you say. Or as scripture says: "You shall have what you say". Stop saying that you're never gonna meet anyone, all the guys are gay, you don't deserve a good time, etc., etc.. Change your thinking. A man can come along but men can realize your pain before they even speak to you. There is a signal or a vibe that women give off and men can pick it up right away. Start becoming the woman you really want to be and allow the self that you hide so much to come out. Yes there are a lot of scum bag guys out there but, if you are just chilling, then chill. Sometimes being friends is much better than the commitment because with a friend you can have it all the commitment, laughter, conversation, playing and more if you want that.
I will end with this put God first and tell him the kind of man you are looking for and be specific and watch him do the work for you. For it is written, "It is not good for man to dwell alone"., therefore, you have someone out there. Where are you looking? Just stop looking and watch it comes looking for you. Hope this helps.
Post a Comment