Did you ever have one of those days where all of your insecurities come barreling at you at the speed of light to the point of paralysis? Yeah. I'm having one of them. I know what the trigger was, although it's completely unrelated to anything that I'm feeling right now.
I was taking a class in something related to what my dept does, but something I have no part of directly. I was taking more for fun/information. Well, the class is way above my head technically speaking, and after trying to explain my final project idea to my professor, she talked to me so condescendingly that I felt like a complete imbecile. Yeah, I cried as I left the building. And yeah, I withdrew the second I got home. I feel like there's no need as an adult in my situation to let anyone or anything make me feel that way. EVER.
It just brought up feelings of inadequacy in terms of my intelligence, which then led to insecurity about my looks, social life, love life, you name it, the snowball effect. Once you get going, you can't really stop.
I saw my therapist today at lunch and she was telling me about all of the progress I have been making by reconnecting with my friends and letting them into my life again. She said that it was good that I was trying to think more logically and not let my resentment and anger cripple me the way I let it in the past. Joining the social site and volunteering are good ways to put myself out there. Though, I feel like an investor in today's economy, all my effort has gone to shit. I'm putting so much in and not getting anything in return. I feel like you can only take so much before you hit rock bottom and someone has to literally bail you out.
I feel like I'm in the exact same spot as I was when I was 25, 20, even 15. I've grown physically, well, that's not even true. I grew to my current size when I was 12 and have the stretch marks to prove it.
I guess I have gained some knowledge, although, I quickly forget almost everything that has ever been taught to me...kind of defeats the whole education process, no? I feel like I continually hide the fact that I don't know what people around me are talking about and quickly changing the subject to my area of knowledge: pop culture.
Psychologically, I feel like a child, always the baby of the family who can't do anything by herself, always relying on the parents for help, because real adults have gone through relationships and have relied on boyfriends or friends for that stuff, right?
Emotionally, same deal. I've had no experience that would have enabled me to grow into the real "me." You know when people talk about how it's the people they've met and loved that have made them who they are? Yeah, I don't get that concept because all I've known is the same I've known since forever. I don't know how I act when faced with confrontation. I don't know if I'm a jealous person. I don't know if I like PDA or not. I don't know about forgiving and making up. I haven't had the experiences to make me "me." Maybe I'm not even the real "me" yet. What if I never become "me?"
Someone needs to go to bed...
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4 comments:
Yep, I've had those days. It can be most minor comment or smallest of criticism which sets it all off and it all comes piling down on top of you.
And I get you when you say you're in the same spot as when you were 20.
I'm not sure about the bit about people saying it people they've met and loved that have made them who they are. I'd like to think (hope?) that it's the sum of all of our experiences, whether to do with relationships or not, which makes me "me" and you "you". It's the things we've done,the things we've succeeded at, things we've failed at,the obstacles we've overcome,the places we've been, the people we've known,the dreams we have,the pain we feel,and I'm sure many other things.Sure, there's a big gap in the lack of a relationship, which means there are things we don't know about ourselves emotionally, but it surely can't be only thing that makes us "us"?
Sorry, bit of a lengthy comment, not sure how much sense it makes. Hope sleeping helps.
yeah some days there's just this huge snowball effect and you unravel and fall apart. it's intersting how you likened it to the economy and needing someone to literally bail you out.
i too feel that in a lotta ways i'm bout the same as i was years ago. well some stuff has changed but mostly not so much.
i think it's the things we've gone through that makes us "us". so even if we haven't really gone through a whole lot, in actual fact i think by not going through a whole lot, we actually did go through a whole lot, if you catch my drift. 'coz our thought patterns would be entirely different from someone else who went through stuff... just other stuff.
sorry if that was a lil confusing...
Like you, I've been sort of AWOL from the blogosphere. Started to write a comment on this when I first read it but then stopped. Finally wrote a comment -- but on my blog 'cause it go way too long.
Hey you...you haven't blogged lately. Just wanted to drop in and see how you were doing -- which might seem weird since we don't *really* know each other...though, one might argue that we understand and know each other much better than some of the people in our everyday lives.
Anyways...someone else left a message on my blog asking where I'd been and it occurred to me that you were one of the people I was wondering about, too. Hope the reason you haven't been blogging is because things are going well and you're too busy to write.
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