Falling Slowly

Yay! "Falling Slowly" won an Oscar for best song last night! So excited for Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, they so deserve it. Also, so glad Jon Stewart let Marketa come back out and say her thank yous. I don't know why that movie had such an impact on me. Usually I don't like movies that don't end on happy notes, happy for me meaning that the two people end up together. Aren't movies in some way about escaping from reality and giving hope that fairy tales actually do come true once in a while? Maybe because it didn't have that typical happy ending is why I like it so much, that too often we are deceived by fairy tales and led to believe that we do not create our own destiny. In any case, the soundtrack fucking rocks and I highly encourage everyone to purchase it.

I emailed A today to tell her that I would finally meet with her to tell her what's been going on with me lately. Although, her responses through emails seem short with a sense of a slight attitude. Though, I know that it's email and hard to know what the other person is feeling when they write something. I had written something a couple months ago intending to send it to my friends so I didn't have to have this dreaded conversation face to face. This I think will help explain what's been going on...

"I know you think that I’ve been distancing myself from you, and you’re right, I have been. I’ve been purposely evading your emails, texts and phone calls. Aside from everything that’s been going on with work and my family, it’s hard to explain to you the other reasons I have been distant, because honestly, they mainly concern you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings or make it seem like it’s your fault that this is happening, because it’s totally not, it’s completely me. The way I feel when I am around you is so upsetting that it makes it difficult to hang out with or talk to you anymore.

When I’m around you, I hear about your lives and all of the things that you guys are doing that I wish I was doing in my own life, mostly involving relationships, but also your social lives with your other friends. I know that it is just a matter of geographic location that you have other friends to hang out with in the area, from high school or work or wherever, and I don’t. It just hurts to hear when you go out when I sit at home almost every weekend watching TV wishing that I had something to do that weekend. I know that we sometimes would meet up to go to dinner or go shopping, but I can do those things on my own, and I usually do. But Sunday afternoons or weekday nights are not the times that I feel most alone; it’s the weekend nights when it feels like everyone in the world is out having fun and I’m stuck at home alone. I feel like we became what I predicted years ago we would become-people that used to be friends in college. To me, a friend is someone that you talk to and hang out with on a weekly or even daily basis. Maybe this is unrealistic for everyone else but me because I am the only one who has nothing else to do. But I hate the way that we only get together once every few months. It’s just not the kind of friendship I want. When we do get together, all as a group, we often just sit around and catch up, which makes sense. I mean, why go to a crowded bar where we can’t hear each other talk and catch up with what’s going on in our lives? These are the only times that I get to go out though, and for me, it’s unfulfilling. I know you have sensed that in me before, where I get disappointed when all we do is sit around, meanwhile, I’m aching to get out, to get out of this stupid apartment that I spend all my time in.

I also have a hard time listening to your relationship problems or stories. As much as I want to be there as a friend and listen, I just can’t. It just hurts too much. I’m not saying that it is like gloating or being self-involved, but sometimes hearing about your love lives is torture. I hear about stupid little problems, which of course I know in a normal relationship are not stupid and happen everyday, but when told to me, are so trivial. I would kill to have a stupid problem if it meant that there was someone in my life I loved to have a stupid problem with. I am happy for you, but that aspect of our friendship has become one-sided. I have nothing to give back, whether advice, my own experience, or whatever. I feel years behind everyone else. In the end, all I end up feeling is jealous and resentful, not the best emotions to feel when you’re around your close friends.

I also feel like you guys do not understand the depth of my sadness when it comes to this part of my life. I feel like you guys can’t relate and even though everyone was in my situation at one point, I feel like you are all so far removed now, that you cannot possibly relate to what I’m going through. I feel like I have no one to talk to, at all, in this world. And even if there is some effort at trying to know what I’m going through, there is no real attempt. I’ve heard “oh, I think you might like___” or “I should introduce you to __” or “we should go out to this new bar” but without any follow up or thought. I’m not saying that I put anything on anyone else, because it’s not anyone else’s problem but my own. Yet, at the same time, I feel like nobody cares.

Again, it’s not that I don’t feel like you aren’t trying to understand what I’m going through and I don’t feel like you guys look at me any different. It’s completely on my end. I just feel like I don’t have anything in common with you guys anymore. At least when we were in college, I felt as if some of us were on the same level, that we could relate to each other and where we were in our lives, but since then, I just feel like I’m growing more and more apart from you and I feel like I can’t relate to any of you anymore. When I’m with you guys, I just end up feeling worse than when I’m not with you, which really sucks because a big part of what I’m feeling is loneliness. To be around people and still feel lonely shouldn’t happen, but it does when I’m with you. I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to explain this or make it better. I feel like it’s always going to be this way. I’m not saying all this to have you guys talk me out of or rationalize why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. Things are the way they are and no matter what anyone says to try and make me feel better, I can’t help the way I feel. Until I can figure out how to cope with this, I don’t know what else to do but distance myself from you guys."

Yeeaaaah, still don't know if I'll end up giving this to anyone. I dread the response from it-will it be pity? defense? I don't know, I'm not sure if I want to know. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to meet A this weekend. Ugh :o(