I just ate like eight large chocolate chip cookies and I feel like I might ralph. I am in such a bad mood I don't even know what to do.
I guess it started on Thursday when I got an email from K. After about two weeks of her being (too) busy and then going away for two and half weeks, I was expecting her to contact me upon her return on the 19th, but no. She said in her email that she "got back into town last Saturday and headed to the Cape for the weekend before attempting to get back into my work routine on Tuesday." Gee, thanks for thinking that maybe our friendship was something of a priority.
Anyways, B was having a BBQ at her new house on Saturday. I thought about going a while ago, if I had the opportunity to talk to K beforehand. Then, the more I thought about it, I realized that even if I did, I feel like I'd still hate every moment of seeing my married friend settling nicely into her new house, not to mention every one of my friends there with their bfs. So I politely declined to B.
K went on to say, "I know that you and I have yet to have an opportunity to get together and talk, but I was just thinking that I really hope you're planning to make it to B's house tomorrow - maybe you have the intention of going, and maybe you don't, but it would be great to see you and I promise that we can skip/bypass all of the things you want/need to talk about and get back to them when you and I have time to meet up just the two of us (provided that is what you would like to do). ..I wouldn't want you to skip out on a chance to see everyone just because you haven't had a chance to talk to all of us individually as you'd mentioned you wanted to."
Um, I haven't had the chance? I've talked to everyone I've wanted to except for you and you were so conveniently unavailable.
"...Some of the best relationships in my life are the ones in which we can pick up where we left off, and I would hate to find out that because we haven't seen each other in months (and just because all us girls haven't gotten together in months) that you wouldn't be able to go to the BBQ tomorrow and feel completely comfortable. And I also wouldn't want you to think that by all of this that I mean that you and I end up completely disregarding anything that you're feeling or want to talk about, but absolutely don't feel like anything would be awkward or that you'd have to open up about things tomorrow."
I know that she was trying to be "safe" in how she worded everything in that email, but come off it already. If she really wanted to see me at that BBQ, I feel like maybe she would've/should've made more of an effort to talk to me before it. She only had over a month. I was so prepared and ready to talk to her last month, but now, I have no desire to talk to her. I'm just going to ignore the email and next week I'm going on vacation, so I have that as an excuse. I just lost all motivation. I guess I'll see how I feel when I get back.
The weirdest part was that Saturday, I didn't even miss being there or seeing my "friends" or wish that I had gone at all. I really just wondered if they spent the whole time talking about me.
That's another thing that worries me. In the beginning, there would be things that I would want to email or text my friends about, but chose not to, chose to close off communication. Now, I don't even feel compelled to tell them anything, or ask them anything, or spend time with them. But I digress.
Another reason I didn't go to the BBQ was because my mom visited me on Saturday. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but I was just not in the mood to entertain her all day. She came in the morning, so no sleeping in. I had a stupid meeting at my second job the next morning, so no sleeping in on Sunday either. By the end of Saturday, I was so tired and cranky that I barely spoke to my mom, which I felt bad about, but I felt like I was just being myself. She kept asking me what was wrong, to which I replied "nothing, just tired." If I even delve into my unhappiness my mom gets all weepy and sad cuz she can't "fix" it. I'd rather just avoid it altogether.
I feel like my bitterness towards my friends is like a cancer, affecting everything else in my life. I'm beginning to notice that I'm becoming very cold and hard. Like, on the train, forget it. I can't even make nice chit-chat if I see a coworker. I'd rather bury my head in a book and look like I don't want to be bothered.
I won't even talk about other stuff because you'll just think I'm a horrible person, trust me. I didn't used to be like this. I used to feel compassion, enjoy people's company, want to have close people in my life. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm tempted to stop going to the therapist too, because I feel like all I do is talk. I know sometimes it just helps to talk, but I'm past talking. I need resolution.
P.S. I have a huge zit forming in the middle of my chin-you know the kind that you can feel deep down under the skin, that won't be ready to pop for at least a couple of days-I'm sure T is going to think it's super sexy.
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2 comments:
Trust me -- I won't think you're a horrible person because, if at all possible, I think I'm way worse. I've sunk lower than just being bitter -- sometimes, in my most miserable moments, I actually wish something horrible would fuck up most of my friends' relationships...just so it'd make me feel better about not being in one.
It gives me a sick sort of pleasure whenever I hear about trouble in paradise.
And trust me -- I'd rather die than admit that out loud to anybody.
That excerpt from your friend's e-mail? (I'm assuming it was from her e-mail.) That sounded EXACTLY like the BS that one of my friends fed me. Remember that post where I was pissed off because I tried to find a day to meet up and she just kept giving me the runaround and then fed me that line about how "true friends" can just pick up whenever?
I don't know your friend at all, but reading that pissed me off because it reminded me of my own "friends."
I get why you wouldn't want to go to the BBQ -- honestly, I wouldn't either. But...that being said, I think I would play it off like I've been busy with a million other things, leading a fabulously more interesting life. (My need to "prove" that my life is great and that I'm not secretly miserable has become an addiction.)
I get the whole mom thing. Trust me...I so get it. But the sick part is that, every so often, I want to provoke some sort of weepy reaction from her just because it's one thing for ME to pretend life's okay, but it's another thing for HER to pretend.
And how's this for living in parallel? I'm growing a pretty big ass zit on my right cheek -- right next to my nose. Seriously...life can be such a bitch sometimes, it's not even funny.
i know it sucks when you realise that you're such a low priority on your so-called friends' list. but i'm with ecrivain that i would have probably played it off like i had a million exciting things to do that i was just sooo busy that i couldn't spare the time. i mean if you don't feel like going to the bbq, there's no point in forcing yourself to go when you know that ultimately you'll just have a miserable time.
sometimes when i'm really down, i feel the need to hide... hide the pain, hideaway in general. sometimes i wonder if all the beating downs of life has made me too cold, too hardened and too jaded.
and since we're on the topic of zits, i've been breaking out something fierce recently. it's like some weird constellation of bumps ugh!
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