So last Thursday, I got an email from A saying that she was having people over her house Friday and that I should come (she sent this to a couple of people). I didn't answer because, my honest first gut reaction was "yeah, like I wanna hang out with you and your bf, and all our friends and their bfs." So, on Monday I kind of felt bad about not responding and sent her an email being as honest as I could. Even though this wasn't something my shrink suggested, I'm experimenting with it as a way to get over my bitterness. I told her what my gut reaction was and that I don't want her to be offended if I decline from hanging out at events where it's just going to be all couples. I told her that it's the reason I prolly won't' go to a bbq that B is having at her new house next weekend.
A wrote back and said that she really didn't expect me to come or even reply, but she wanted to invite me anyway. She also said that she feels like her and her bf really are a big cause of why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling. She got this because I told her back in January that a lot did change when she started dating her bf because, out of everyone in our group of friends, she was the one person I could relate to, because she too had never had a bf or been in love and I could look at her when the other girls were talking about bfs and sex and we could roll our eyes and make sarcastic comments and laugh. I never meant to make her feel like me distancing myself was all her fault, but I guess she sort of took it that way.
She said that she knew the feeling of being the only one without someone, but again, she wasn't, because there was always me. Whatever. I also said that ever since people starting pairing off, it was like going out once every three months was enough for people because they had other friends and their bfs to hang out with and for me, with neither of those, it just wasn't enough. Anyways, she last thing she wrote back to me was that she did wish we could hang out more, just the girls and "I know we didn't see each other all the time. But when we did it was fun." I mean, thanks, but is that all you saw in me? As someone to just have fun with? I hope I'm reading too much into it and she saw me as a true friend.
So, I have written that I had joined this online site where you meet with people with similar interests. I went to one where it was a road race, but it was so crowded, I never found my group. Well, I had also joined a group of young 20something women. Wednesday night, there was a meeting at an ice cream shop. Unfortunately, I never got the notice that the organizer was stuck at work and she didn't show. I did end up meeting 3 other people who showed, but it wasn't exaclty what I was looking for. One girl was still in her undergrad, so pretty young, and had a bf. Another girl just finished her undergrad and was married. The last girl was older, not sure how old, getting her MBA and "shopping for rings" with her bf. I guess I was hoping for more single people. I don't want to be so judgemental and picky, but the whole reason I joined the group is because I want to find people who are in the same point in their life who I can identify with. Am I wrong for being so picky?
I feel like at this point in my life, I have a clear view of what I want and what I don't want-in my career, my family, my friends, my love interest. Why should I have to compromise, especially when there are hoards of other people who never have to? And why does not compromising mean I have to be completely miserable?
The online dating site that originally rejected me (I think because when I filled out the form I was honest with my happiness and self-image levels whereas this time I fudged it a bit) has since accepted me, but DAYUM, it's expensive, almost twice the other online dating site I tried. I vowed that I would never pay for another site again, but now, I'm not sure. What if it's the only hope for me and I choose to ignore it? Am I making a conscious decision to doom my love life by not joining an online dating site? Ugh. I hate that other people never have to even come close to having to make these kinds of decisions. Lucky fucking bastards! What? Do I sound bitter?
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2 comments:
I understand about the online dating thing -- when I decided to stop using them, a part of me thought, "What if this is the only way to meet someone for me?"
Seriously, I can't even begin to imagine how or where I'd meet someone if I wasn't doing the online thing.
It's tough being the last one standing in your group of friends -- the only one who's single and suddenly on the outside of things.
Too bad we didn't live in the same city -- you're one of the few people in the blogosphere that I feel like would understand where I was coming from...though, that's probably not the greatest thing in the world, huh?
I know, I said the same thing to my shrink, that there was this girl online whose blog I totally relate to. She looked at me hopefully and asked "Oh, where does she live?" I said, "I think Canada." And the hope totally disappeared from her face haha.
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