Birth and worth

So today is my birthday and I successfully managed to avoid anyone, aside from my friends and family, from finding out and therefore from any focused attention.

Sidebar: I seriously hate my birthday. I've had a long string of bad birthdays and try to avoid it at all costs, not to mention the whole Peter Pan syndrome. My idea of a good bday: A dreamy date with an entire bottle of wine tonight.

I went out to get a coffee this afternoon and bought a CD and debated whether or not I should buy it. I feel like I've been spending a lot of money lately going to these meetings on the social site and grabbing dinner with people to catch up. I hate it because I really do want to save money for a condo or a house. In the end, I decided that it was my birthday and I deserved it, so I bought it (Conor Oberst's new CD of course).

Well, that got me thinking (prolly not a healthy line of thinking at that) as to what constitutes worth. When you think about it, it's really all relative. I think I deserve a stupid CD because why? Because it's my birthday? Because I'm a good person? I mean, I am a good person. I try to be good anyway. It's not like I go around yelling at people for no reason or purposely walking into people. I pay my bills on time. I don't park in handicap parking. I recycle, sometimes. I just joined two volunteer organizations, I mean I sort of had alterior motives to meet people and get out of the house, but still. I tip well. I'm not out there saving the world, but come on? Who has time for that? But, you really can't rely on this kind of logic because if I was a good person, wouldn't I deserve to be happy? Deserve love?

Then, when you think about the things, material or not, that other people have it can almost drive you nuts. Why does this horrible person deserve to have things that I want when I am a way better person? Not even horrible people, just regular people who don't do anything in particular that's so special, they get to be happy. I'm just as non-special and non-saintly as them, what's so different about us? Then again, compared to some, say Mother Teresa, you could argue that I deserve nothing. Ugh, needless to say, I just felt guilty after my purchase. I continue to blame my Catholic upbringing, at least I'm not blaming myself, right? If I did, I'd prolly go insane.