So, it hasn't even been a full week of being 28 and I'm already hating it. I just hate that I'm another year closer to 30 and I still have never had a boyfriend, not even close, and have never been in love. I am trying so hard to resolve my issues of resentment towards my friends for having experienced those things, but it's still so hard.
I hate that none of them have had to go through, what I consider, the grueling process of online dating. I know that it totally works for some people, but for me, I don't know what the problem is. Not only do I feel like I'm trying to sell myself, and I'm not that good of a salesman, but I feel like I'm not a good buyer either. Part of me thinks that I might be slightly asexual because I don't find any of these guys attractive, not even remotely. Eharmony probably thinks I'm a freak for denying all of the matches they're sending my way.
I think part of the problem is that usually I'm attracted to someone after I've gotten to know them, finding a particular part of their personality appealing, and that's virtually impossible via the internet. Part of the problem I think lies a little deeper than I'm willing to admit to anyone, even my therapist, which sucks because you should be able to tell your therapist everything, right? I feel even scared saying it here because, well, it's embarrassing.
I think I'm scared to even start a relationship. I'm not scared of commitment, I'm not scared of compromising, or even giving up my single lifestyle. I'm scared of the intimacy, mostly, obviously, relating to my sexual past, or lack thereof. Not only do I not want to talk about it, I'm scared shitless of doing it again. I had a horrible first experience and am almost happy it was with someone I know I will never see again. When I describe it as horrible, I don't even mean because it was with someone I didn't know, it was because I was so mortified by being unprepared. What if that was someone I really liked, I just don't think I could handle that kind of mortification again. I mean, all of my friends were younger and could say, "I'm not ready." A lot of them waiting 3 months, 6 months, even a year and because they were so young, it wasn't out of the ordinary. Now, at this age, I feel like women are pressured to give it up after the third date and if not, well, then, what's wrong with you?
So, I was being paranoid and looked up some stuff online. And I've read that it all mostly depends on how prepared you are, like how aroused you are, what they really stress a lot is, um, lube, but also if you still have an intact hymen, that could be a problem too. So, don't think I'm gross, but on my birthday, mind you I was a little tipsy and depressed from my bday bottle-o-wine, I decided to buy this. (You are the only ones who know this as I am so embarrassed I might die.) Thinking that maybe if I was more prepared, I wouldn't freak out as much. Omigod, what was I thinking? That shit hurt. And, it all happened again, good thing I laid down a towel first. So what if that was a guy in my bed? I mean, honestly, there have been times where I wanted to text T and tell him to come over and get me good and fucked, and now I am so glad I never did. Uh, the utter humiliation, could you imagine?
Uh, I was crying as I took a shower feeling completely like a loser and a freak. So, after MORE online paranoid googling, I think I have this. Don't laugh, I'm serious. What if it's true? I will never pursue a relationship out of sheer embarrassment.
Sorry, I keep thinking of this Princess Bride moment (you're thinking, what could possibly be the connection?) where Inigo Montoya says to Mad Max "Humiliation GALORE!" Ha.
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5 comments:
omg girl, i can totally relate to everything you said... and i'm bout 2 weeks older so i got you "beat" there.
i've tried the online dating thing numerous times. and while sometimes it's fun when you actually feel excited bout an impending new date, honestly for the most part, the entire process stresses me out. and yes not to mention that i'm not attracted at all to most of the guys there.
and i'm not good with relationships since i haven't actually been in a proper one before. which means that i'm not likely to jump into a relationship as fast as normal people seem to. i take time to "warm up" and know the person better before really liking the guy. unfortunately sometimes the guy will have already moved on since i took so long.
basically, i'm just scared. scared of every damn thing that it's ridiculous.
that makes me feel better, but you seem to be able to at least chat up people and date some people. i can't even get that far. it seems so useless. sometimes, i just wish that i could meet someone on my own the way everyone else met people before the internet, but in 28 years, that's never happened either, so i don't know what to do at this point.
mostly, i just feel my resentment boiling up towards my friends who have had their boyfriends or husbands for years and have never had to endure the "single life" in the "real world."
first i have to say you have earned my utmost admiration for not only buying that toy, but trying to use it. it's actually more embarrassing for me to admit i've been wanting to buy one for years but can't seem to just do it. no pun intended. so ok, i'm 30 now and have never had a boyfriend, let alone any kind of sexual experience beyond kissing. man that is sad to write out loud. but it's ok you know? i've come to realize that i really, for all these years, have not been ready for a relationship. priorities change though and i've always been a bit of a late bloomer. don't be so hard on yourself (this is the pot talking to the kettle i realize, but maybe if i write it i'll be more apt to follow my own advice?) and trust that when you find someone you're comfortable enough to even attempt anything, he'll be ok with whatever happens. this is what keeps me going.
It just gets harder and harder though because I've seen the looks guys have given me when they found out how inexperienced I was. I know they probably didn't care enough about me, but still, that look-it's excruciating.
i agree with queen vee - kudos to you for going out and buying the "toy," and also for writing about something you're uncomfortable with.
i've only started reading your blog but can relate. i was a total late bloomer, not getting my first kiss till i was 20. eventually i ended up marrying the first guy i slept with (we've since divorced).
for YEARS i had trouble with sex, ie not being able to orgasm. i truly thought something was wrong with me and i was very ashamed. only LAST YEAR was i able to have orgasms with someone and i'm 36. i think it's because i'm older and more confident now, and the guy i was with was very kind and patient. i was able to tell him the truth and he didn't look down on me.
screw those guys (no pun intended) who give you weird looks re: your experience level. i know it feels awful (i had the same experience in college), but the right guy will be understanding and patient, another reason to wait a while and get to know someone before jumping into sex. and if you're not ready after the 3rd date, that's your perogative. if a guy thinks something is "wrong" with you if you want to wait, then he's a douche and not worth your time.
the first few guys i dated after my divorce, i totally rushed into sleeping with them. this last time i dated (all online dating btw, which can really suck but realistically is the best way to meet people once you're out of school), i vowed to wait a little while, or at least till i felt 100% ready and that i trusted the person. i'm so glad i did. (we're still together now, almost a year later.)
anyway, that's a very long way of saying you're not weird and nothing is "wrong" with you. everyone is different and develops at different speeds. as for the "condition" you think you might have, maybe talk to your doc? and also the site says it's totally treatable! there are kegle (sp?) exercises and other kinds of stimulation (clitoral) that might help relax the muscles. hell, the only way i can come is with clitoral stimulation. actual intercourse is just extra.
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