I feel like I start every post with me having a bad day. Oh well, I'm having another. Last night was my friend's bachelorette party (NOT the one who just got engaged). We went out to dinner and then out to a bar afterward to get our dance on. All in all it was a good time. It reminded me of the time about five years ago when we'd all go out on the town and drink and dance. Ah, the memories. Those days are LONG gone.
I had a few moments during the night that kind of bummed me out but I tried to brush them off and not let myself think about them because I didn't want to ruin my night. It worked, but instead I'm thinking of them now and have ruined my Sunday.
First, we get to the restaurant for dinner and one of my friends (her and her boyfriend have been together for 3 years, she was the one who was last to lose her v before me and I flipped out when she told me) comes over and says "sooo, [boyfriend] asked me to m..." I had a slight panic attack. I was like are you serious? Another one?! but it was "...move in with him." Still a big deal, she feels she should be engaged before moving in with someone. She mentioned this to her boyfriend and he said "well, it'll probably all happen around the same time." Greeeaaaat. I can't wait to be not only the last single girl, but also the only ones who's not engaged. Awesome.
Then later over dinner, two of my friends were saying how I should join Match. I was like, I did...twice and all I got was one date, who was shorter than he said he was and who didn't even like me. One friend said it was because I put "atheist" as my religious belief. First of all, if someone isn't open-minded enough to accept someone with differing beliefs, I don't want to date them. Second, I'd hope that there'd be some people out there who might actually share my beliefs. I think when people have very differing religious or political views, it makes it almost impossible to agree about certain things.
She was like, well if you don't think thats was what it was, what do you think it was? I made a motion around my face implying that I think it's my looks. They just did the usual "oh stop" blah blah blah and I just had to end the conversation.
I know this sounds so miserable and depressing, but sometimes I just wish that they would cut the "friend support" bullshit and level with me. I know I'm not gorgeous. I think living 30 years in this body and wearing this face that I can tell if I'm attractive or not, and I've had enough people tell me to my face that I'm not, so I think I'm not delusional here. I wish instead of telling me lies and feeding me lines about how i'll find someone and not to give up hope they would just help me cope with the fact that I won't.
Then, we were drinking and dancing and a whole bunch of Irish guys came into the bar and people were talking to them. They were talking about girls kissing each other or something. Anyways, they didn't believe my friend had kissed another girl. So she kissed me, just a peck, no big deal. I don't really have a problem with it, but I hate when girls like full on make out with each other just to get attention. After, I said "haha, that was my first kiss in 2.5 years." Then it hit me. My first kiss in 2.5 years and it was with another girl. Greeeaaat.
Then for some reason, they were trying to get these two guys to make out with me. They even got the guys to ask me?! It was so weird. They kept saying "do you want to make out?" "do you want to make out?" I mean, truthfully, I did. But not with them. And not in front of people. And honestly, if I had made out, I know I would just crave more and I know for a fact I'm never getting more, so why would I do that to myself? I feel like it's better to just try and numb myself to it and hope that my desires die out. I just walked away laughing, masking my true feelings.
Then it hit me. Looking back. Every guy I've ever kissed. All drunk. Every single one. I've never made out with a guy who was sober. I've never made out with a guy when I was sober either. So depressing. I feel so pathetic. I have to be drunk to initiate? True. A guy has to be drunk to even think about wanting to kiss me? True. And they think it's not my looks. BS.
I feel like I could easily soak this up and deal with it if only I had support. If people could tell me, okay, so you might not find anyone, now what? How do you deal with your life expecting not to find someone? I'm sick of all the "focus on yourself" crap too. What do you think I've been forced to do for the first 30 years of my life? I only focus on myself because there's no one else. I need someone to help me live life, really live it, make it through every single day, to the next year, to the next decade, alone. Why can't anyone help me do that? I guess that's maybe what the blogosphere is for.
I just wish everyone wasn't so in my face about the exact opposite of my life. Weddings, engagements, babies, houses, invitations +1, vacations together. I just wish it would all stop. I tried to do that last year and it didn't work. Distancing myself from everyone. Cutting them off. It didn't work. They didn't understand. So instead I have to pretend like everything's fine. Like I'm happy for everyone. Like I care. I'm so tired of acting. I just want to be. In peace. Or not be at all.
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4 comments:
Ohh I just want to give you a huge hug. I completely understand your emotions and thoughts. Feeling like you'll be the last single girl you know and having it seem all completely out of your control. Wanting to put on a smiling face in front of your attached friends so they think you're happy for them. I've been there. I am currently back there. The only thing that I can say, with absolute certainty and sincerity, is that life can surprise you sometimes. Many of my friends have gone years between relationships and intimacy with a man. I'm currently going on 8 months, myself - with no prospects in sight! Sure, I get sad sometimes. I get lonely, even when there are tons of people around me, because I know that I'm going home alone.
I won't give you any BS advice, because that's all it is. It's just words people say to try and make you feel better, instead of solve the problem...
So, what's a girl to do? I'm not quite sure, actually! But, if you ever need someone to vent to, I am here, because I know all too well how you feel =)
Hugs from me too. I've wondered for years whether my friends are lying to make me feel better when they say that I'll find someone, that I'm the kind of person a guy would love to be with. It definitely doesn't help you cope with the thought that you might never find anyone.
I have some good friends and love spending time with them but going home alone is hard.
I don't really have any advice as such either, but I (and the blogosphere) are always here if you need to talk/offload/scream/shout/rage .
I think it's luck, to be honest -- it has nothing to do with your looks...'cause, if it was about looks, then how do you explain the world's fattest man managing to get married, even though he's bed ridden and generally regarded as effin gross by 99.9 per cent of humanity? (Okay, I made that figure up, but you get what I mean.)
The commute into work is enough proof -- frizzy haired women with large noses and cankles and saggy boobs but with wedding and engagement rings on their fingers tell me that it's not about looks.
I think it's luck -- or at least that's what I've been telling myself lately. Finding that right person is like finding a needle in a hay stack. It's like you need the stars to align in order for that one person out of the billions out there to find you and for you to find him.
I guess that's not all that consoling, is it?
thanks guys. i know that they say it'll find you as soon as you stop looking, but honestly, i've stopped looking a long time ago. in fact, anyone who shows me a look i feel like is anywhere close to interest, i mostly feel suspicion.
and ecrivain, i think you might be right. i know for a fact that i have THE worst luck in the world, so it would be completely understandable if that was the case. but if that is the case, then that for sure makes me feel like i will in fact die alone, unfortunately.
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