Do you ever get that feeling that you're losing absolute control over everything, including yourself? These past few days, maybe even weeks, I've felt like everything and anything is irritating me and that I'm getting closer to losing my mind.
I'm not sure what's going on my parent's marriage, but my father moved out of the house. Not sure if it's a permanent thing or what, but he was telling neighbors, people he doesn't even usually talk to, that they were getting divorced. Who knows anymore, my mother won't tell me anything. Even though it doesn't directly involve me and really it's what I want, it's still getting to me, probably because of what it must be like for my mom.
Little things about my apartment are driving me nuts. This will really make it seem like I'm going crazy, but I keep hearing a beeping noise periodically and it's driving me absolutely insane. It sounds like when your smoke detector needs new batteries-that sharp high pitched noise. Except it's not in my apartment, and it only beeps 3 times every few hours, so by the time I try to figure out where it's coming from, it stops. It's waking me up in the middle of the night and in the early morning.
This morning, on my day off, roofers came to put on a new roof to my apt building and started hammering, it felt like, right into my brain. I wanted to kill them.
I don't know why but I'm getting in this weird funk. Really getting sad about being alone. I try so hard not to care, caring only hurts. But I feel like it's all around me, everywhere I go. K is planning her wedding. Seems like A will get engaged any day now. I ran into Starbucks Saturday and in front of me were two girls who it sounded like went to high school together and just ran into each other and were catching up, girl 1: "hey how are you?" girl 2: "good, just got engaged" girl 1: "omg, me too!" Sigh. It's just everywhere.
I wish I could get out of here. Get a house far away from all civilization and not be bothered by anyone anymore. Have my own stuff instead of my landlord's crappy place. I'd like to move away, but I'm too practical to move without having a job first and of course there are no jobs now. I don't even think a vacation would help. I'd only have to come back to this place, these people, this life.
Sometimes I wonder, what is it that makes people "snap"? What makes people lose it, whether it's a mental breakdown or a mental break? Why can some people withstand trauma, even severe mental trauma, while others can handle very little? What determines that breaking point? Why can some people deal and others not? I guess that's what psychologists have been trying to figure out all this time. I wonder what my breaking point will be.
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4 comments:
I did break today...at work! I cried...in front of my department chair and assistant principal (I'm a teacher). They were shocked, because I'm generally seen as a seriously strong person, especially in my career. With work, family, death, and loneliness, I kept bending...and I'm just about to break. I hope you don't do the same.
oh man, that sucks! i usually can bottle things up at work, except for the severe upsetting moments, like finding out about my mom's heart attack.
lately, i just feel like i'm stifled here, like i need a change of scenery or something. although, i don't deal with change well, so i don't know if that'd be the best thing for me.
i hope you're doing better today :)
I think you need to find something(s) to look forward to or keep you going. That's what I do. I find little things that excite me or plan something small and rewarding to do in advance. This could mean watching marathons of movies or TV shows - to a concert - to pizza night - to a long weekend off of work - to taking a walk outside if the weather is nice.
I'm sorry to hear about your parents.
I know what it's like to snap. I'm quiet and calm 99% of the time, then once in a rare while have an unnecessary outburst over something minor or petty.
Please take care and find something that's going to make you happy, even if it doesn't come in the form of a guy. I cannot stress that enough.
I know how hard it can be to turn around and see nothing but couples or married people. It's hard to always act like nothing bothers you and to keep your chin up. It sucks, but that's life. I believe we can have it all; just not all at once.
NHAB,
I do usually try to find things to keep me going, the really small things, like a TV show, the NY Times Sunday crossword puzzle, or a night out with friends. After a while, though, they just seem trivial and the days just blend together into weeks until I've found myself 3 years later in the same exact place I was back then.
It's hard to stay positive when there isn't even a little excitement to keep things interesting. I'm so scared that just like the past 3 years, the next 30 will be equally uneventful and depressing.
Thanks for the encouraging words though, I know you and everyone out there that read this are the only ones who can truly relate to how I feel right now.
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