Bad day

Today was bad. Really bad. I don't even know why. You know when you wake up and you just know that the day is going to suck? I'm also PMSing big time, but usually that doesn't affect me much. I was literally on the verge of tears all day. Everything I did or anyone I talked to almost set me off. It was all I could do to not have a breakdown.

I had class tonight too, I decided to take this computer class that is sort of related to the work my department does but which is kind of above my head. Well, during the class the prof did a 20min demo to show us stuff for our homework that night. It took me the whole 20min to fucking find, unzip, and open the file. By the time I finally got it to work, I had missed the entire thing.

Needless to say, when I got home (after I had a slight meltdown) I headed straight for the margarita mix I had frozen in my freezer from my Saturday night dinner party. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if it's spilling over from Saturday or if it's something else. I went out for drinks last night with some coworkers and the 40yr old single coworker went too. I think part of me is scared shitless of ending up like her. Because, honestly, we have so much in common it's scary.

At least I can have some comic relief watching the VP debate :)

Nothing to report

I've been pretty MIA lately with no good reason except that there's nothing to report. My life is pretty boring these days. I had a cold last week which infringed on my socializing through the social networking site. I was hoping to get back into the swing of things, but there haven't been many events that have interested me.

The only thing that did happen recently was I had three friends over for dinner and drinks on Saturday. It was nice, we ate, talked, played board games. It felt nice to just talk to them and feel like things were back to "normal." Although, after they left and the whole next day I was kind of in a funk. I think that what had the most affect was when I told them about "Ross" from the pubcrawl. They all thought it was pretty funny. I mean, it is funny I guess, but at the same time, this is my life. This is what I as a single woman in my late twenties has to deal with. That to me is not funny. They have husbands or boyfriends to go home to and tell this funny story to, they don't have to go home and cry afterwards because this is a glimpse at what's out there nowadays without any other potential prospects.

And so it seems that the resentment is still alive, it's not as strong as it once was, but it still does get to me more than I'd like. I'm not sure what else to do with myself. I've been particularly weepy this week, but I think it's just PMS. I've also been having trouble falling asleep at night. I just can't get my mind to stop going.

Oh, I guess one other thing to note is that I joined a pretty well known social utility site. Ugh. I joined a long time ago and quit saying I would never join again because I found myself being sucked into it completely. Well, a friend said she would only join if I did and she clearly wanted to, so I did. I already regret it. I just don't see any good coming from it. Anyhow, in the search for finding people, I found D. I don't know why I friended him, it just ends up making me feel nostalgic and sad. In any case, I've been dreaming about him a lot lately, which is awesome. Not.

Sigh. I'm so ready for something else. Something other than this. Anytime would be good. How about now? No? Okay. Now? What about now?

A shoulder to cry on

This post is in response to ecrivain's post. It was getting too long for a comment and it had a lot of stuff I wanted to say, so here it is:

i don't want to say i know "exactly" how you feel, because i think everyone is entitled to their individual feelings and feeling like you own them? if that makes any sense. because we all have moments when we feel like "nobody else can possibly feel like i do know," and it's true, because i haven't lived your life. but just know that there are people out there who've felt that feeling too-like, nobody, NOBODY, feels this or gets me.

i had the same realization you had when i graduated college. i remember i sobbed like a baby the night before my college graduation. my roommate told someone, "oh, she's just sad we're graduating." i said, "no, that's not why." it was because i was in total disbelief that i was nowhere near where i thought i would be at that age. i thought i would've met someone in those 4 years, lost my virginity, matured, figured out my career path...and none of it was true. i cried the whole drive back home too. i had to make my mom drive my car because i was so hysterical. she thought what my roommate thought. i let her believe it.

i have a feeling that i will feel the same things near my 30th, that i'm not where i'm supposed to be or want to be. it's something my therapist called me out on. she told me i gauge myself too much against other people and societal expectations. I disagree with her though; it's not just about other people and being normal, it's about wanting what any normal human being would want-love and acceptance.

it sucks, i did nothing for my bday this year. when my coworkers asked what i did for my bday, all i could say was "my parents took me out for dinner." (woohoo) no party, no big gift, no hullaballoo...but there never is a big to do about me.

even in my family, i feel like i've gotten the shaft. in my parent's home are my brother's wedding pics, my sister's wedding pics, pics of my niece and nephews, pics of my siblings' families, and my brother and sister's grad school pics. yeah, maybe i chose not to go to my grad school graduation, but really, i didn't think anyone would come, especially my siblings and their kids-too crazy with all the youngins, ya know. literally, i'm in two pics in my parent's house. one is me standing next to my sister in her cap and gown and another is me with my brother and his wife. but to me, it's more like i'm some random person in the background of a photo, i just happened to be there. it's like if you aren't married or have kids, what have you really accomplished? at least in my parents' eyes.

Practice makes perfect?

So, if you don't want to know about the followup to this post, I suggest you stop reading now. I figured I couldn't just leave you wondering, right? Well, I have to say, I was not a happy camper in the beginning for obvious reasons and was pretty upset that all of my anxiety was turning out to be pretty valid. However, I have to say that after a few more tries, it is getting better, not great, but a little better. The suggestions in that post are definitely true to the bone and it really makes a world of difference. I can't say that I am actually enjoying it, but it's not horrible either. We'll see how it goes. I have to say though, if you're thinking about it, or if you have the same anxieties I had/have, it might well be worth it. I actually feel a whole lot better about it now. I mean, I'm sure when/if the moment ever arises again, I'll still freeze in fear, but at least I can feel a little more prepared.

One thing my therapist told me, which I think makes a lot of sense, is that in order to get over your anxieties, you need to expose yourself little by little to the thing that makes you anxious so that you get accustomed to it and learn how to conquer it. Practice makes perfect. We'll see about perfect, I'll settle for painlessly uncomfortable.

Really? This is it?

So tonight I went to one of the meetings for this social networking site. It was a pubcrawl tonight for 25-35 year olds. Forgive me if my typing is atrocious, but I've been drinking since 7pm. So I recognized some people from previous meetings, which was good, and met some new people that were pretty nice and some other people who were pretty weird. So, immediately I noticed this one guy, D, who was pretty cute standing close by. Well, we talked for a bit initially, but then we separated and talked to a bunch of other people within the group.

So, unlike other pubcrawls I've been to, this one was pretty different, we only went to 4 bars. At the last bar, the guy, D, was talking to me more and the more we talked the more I realized he was really drunk. The reason I could tell was because he got weirder and weirder as he got drunker. He was just saying really odd stuff. Anyway, at the last bar he was touching my knee and legs more and more and pressing himself more up against me, which honeslty, was like a breath of fresh air; I mean it felt nice to know that someone was actually showing signs of interest.

Although, at this last bar, there was a dance floor and me and another girl decided to go dance to the eighties music and D decided to follow us and dance. Omigod, he was by far the WORST dancer I've ever seen, doing these weird moves I've never seen before. So this other girl and I were trying our best not to laugh, but I know dancing is not most guy's strong suit.

So then we took a break and were chatting and this guy says to me, "I just want to let you know that I have an ex-wife who's gay and I have a child with her. I'm telling you this because I like you." I was like uh...okay. I mean, I had nothing prepared to say to that. What do you say to that? I actually said, "oh, so you're like Ross from Friends?" Ridiculous. I mean really, is this all that's left out there for me? Do I have to deal with divorcees now? with children? I mean, I know I should be open-minded, but this is just so much baggage for me. Sigh. I'm so drunk, I'm going to bed now.

Hating this

So, it hasn't even been a full week of being 28 and I'm already hating it. I just hate that I'm another year closer to 30 and I still have never had a boyfriend, not even close, and have never been in love. I am trying so hard to resolve my issues of resentment towards my friends for having experienced those things, but it's still so hard.

I hate that none of them have had to go through, what I consider, the grueling process of online dating. I know that it totally works for some people, but for me, I don't know what the problem is. Not only do I feel like I'm trying to sell myself, and I'm not that good of a salesman, but I feel like I'm not a good buyer either. Part of me thinks that I might be slightly asexual because I don't find any of these guys attractive, not even remotely. Eharmony probably thinks I'm a freak for denying all of the matches they're sending my way.

I think part of the problem is that usually I'm attracted to someone after I've gotten to know them, finding a particular part of their personality appealing, and that's virtually impossible via the internet. Part of the problem I think lies a little deeper than I'm willing to admit to anyone, even my therapist, which sucks because you should be able to tell your therapist everything, right? I feel even scared saying it here because, well, it's embarrassing.

I think I'm scared to even start a relationship. I'm not scared of commitment, I'm not scared of compromising, or even giving up my single lifestyle. I'm scared of the intimacy, mostly, obviously, relating to my sexual past, or lack thereof. Not only do I not want to talk about it, I'm scared shitless of doing it again. I had a horrible first experience and am almost happy it was with someone I know I will never see again. When I describe it as horrible, I don't even mean because it was with someone I didn't know, it was because I was so mortified by being unprepared. What if that was someone I really liked, I just don't think I could handle that kind of mortification again. I mean, all of my friends were younger and could say, "I'm not ready." A lot of them waiting 3 months, 6 months, even a year and because they were so young, it wasn't out of the ordinary. Now, at this age, I feel like women are pressured to give it up after the third date and if not, well, then, what's wrong with you?

So, I was being paranoid and looked up some stuff online. And I've read that it all mostly depends on how prepared you are, like how aroused you are, what they really stress a lot is, um, lube, but also if you still have an intact hymen, that could be a problem too. So, don't think I'm gross, but on my birthday, mind you I was a little tipsy and depressed from my bday bottle-o-wine, I decided to buy this. (You are the only ones who know this as I am so embarrassed I might die.) Thinking that maybe if I was more prepared, I wouldn't freak out as much. Omigod, what was I thinking? That shit hurt. And, it all happened again, good thing I laid down a towel first. So what if that was a guy in my bed? I mean, honestly, there have been times where I wanted to text T and tell him to come over and get me good and fucked, and now I am so glad I never did. Uh, the utter humiliation, could you imagine?

Uh, I was crying as I took a shower feeling completely like a loser and a freak. So, after MORE online paranoid googling, I think I have this. Don't laugh, I'm serious. What if it's true? I will never pursue a relationship out of sheer embarrassment.

Sorry, I keep thinking of this Princess Bride moment (you're thinking, what could possibly be the connection?) where Inigo Montoya says to Mad Max "Humiliation GALORE!" Ha.

Birth and worth

So today is my birthday and I successfully managed to avoid anyone, aside from my friends and family, from finding out and therefore from any focused attention.

Sidebar: I seriously hate my birthday. I've had a long string of bad birthdays and try to avoid it at all costs, not to mention the whole Peter Pan syndrome. My idea of a good bday: A dreamy date with an entire bottle of wine tonight.

I went out to get a coffee this afternoon and bought a CD and debated whether or not I should buy it. I feel like I've been spending a lot of money lately going to these meetings on the social site and grabbing dinner with people to catch up. I hate it because I really do want to save money for a condo or a house. In the end, I decided that it was my birthday and I deserved it, so I bought it (Conor Oberst's new CD of course).

Well, that got me thinking (prolly not a healthy line of thinking at that) as to what constitutes worth. When you think about it, it's really all relative. I think I deserve a stupid CD because why? Because it's my birthday? Because I'm a good person? I mean, I am a good person. I try to be good anyway. It's not like I go around yelling at people for no reason or purposely walking into people. I pay my bills on time. I don't park in handicap parking. I recycle, sometimes. I just joined two volunteer organizations, I mean I sort of had alterior motives to meet people and get out of the house, but still. I tip well. I'm not out there saving the world, but come on? Who has time for that? But, you really can't rely on this kind of logic because if I was a good person, wouldn't I deserve to be happy? Deserve love?

Then, when you think about the things, material or not, that other people have it can almost drive you nuts. Why does this horrible person deserve to have things that I want when I am a way better person? Not even horrible people, just regular people who don't do anything in particular that's so special, they get to be happy. I'm just as non-special and non-saintly as them, what's so different about us? Then again, compared to some, say Mother Teresa, you could argue that I deserve nothing. Ugh, needless to say, I just felt guilty after my purchase. I continue to blame my Catholic upbringing, at least I'm not blaming myself, right? If I did, I'd prolly go insane.