Damn you Spring!

Today was gorgeous outside. One of my coworkers invited me out for a drink after work with another coworker. It was nice to be outside drinking a cold beer, but at the same time, I was pretty miserable. All I could do was notice how many people were outside enjoying the weather, sitting or walking with friends or significant others...BARF. I usually don't notice this stuff because I always leave work right at 5, hop on the T, and head straight home to my apt. I hate when I have to walk by bar patios and through the city and see people having fun, enjoying life. Even when I did speak to my friends, everyone was usually too busy or lived too far away to meet up like that after work, so this isn't a new feeling, but I am really getting sick of it. The coworker that invited me out (she's 40 and single) was talking about how she was once engaged when she was younger, but that she didn't regret breaking it off because she knew that she would have ultimately been unhappy. I wish I was that strong. I regret almost every decision I've ever made. She mentioned, pretty casually actually, that she was on match.com and was thinking of joining eHarmony. I don't think I could admit to my coworkers that I've done match (twice) and tried eHarmony (got rejected). I feel like people at work don't need to know that much about my love life, or lack thereof. I feel like I would get what I got from all my former friends..pity. If not pity, I feel like people look at you differently when you're not "normal" that way. Maybe it's just my own paranoia.

I thought about emailing T to see how he was doing or maybe seeing if he wanted to meet for a beer. I know that I shouldn't, because really, it's not that I want to see him specifically, I know it's just the loneliness talking and he's the only person I know currently that I could potentially call on to fill this void. Stupid though, because I know he doesn't want me and after said beer(s), I would just get all upset and cry because he (and everyone else) doesn't want me (happened a couple times before, yeah, I know, I don't learn my lesson, I'm seriously masochistic that way). I am in desperate need of that voiceover guy from VH1's Behind the Music to come on the speaker of my life and say "then fate intervened and changed her life forever." I need a change of something.