The worse part

So on Monday I emailed T to see if he still wanted to grab drinks this week and he emailed me back on Thursday saying that he might not be able to, long story, but he'd let me know today. Well, sure enough, I haven't hear from him. I went and made other plans.

The kicker to the whole thing with T is that I don't even think I like him that much. I mean, he's okay and I think the reason why I get so into it is because he flirts pretty well. I mean, he does this teasing thing with me that nobody else ever does or ever has done, which is why I think I have these feelings. But they're not even real feelings because he isn't anything that I really want in a guy. It's more just excitement than attraction.

For one, I feel like he is not very considerate. I think that he had his own agenda when we went out two years ago, meaning, he just wanted to sleep with me. He doesn't like the same music I like. Correction, he isn't into music at all. He's one of those people who says he's not really into music, he just isn't moved by it at all....? Total opposite of me. Maybe I could like someone who had different tastes, but to say that music isn't really something that you are passionate about is odd and something I can't relate to. Aside from our profession, we don't really have that much in common. The only thing that I think we do have in common: we're just NOT that into each other. My problem is that I'm so lonely and affection-deprived that I just want something to tide me over.

I think the problem is that there's nobody else. Nobody. I have zero distractions. There's nobody else to think about, get excited about, hope to see on weekends. He's it. That's so sad. I really wish I had options, crushes, anything.

I went out with B on Saturday with some of her coworkers. One coworker brought her friend. She was this dark haired dark eyed and fake tanned girl. I mean I guess she was pretty, but it must've been something else because EVERY guy was hitting on her. Her friend was like, "It's always like this. I don't get it." She attributed it to her bubbly personality.

I mean, I don't think I'm a mute when it comes to guys, but maybe they see me as unapproachable? I can only think of two things that guys would be turned off by: personality or looks. Well, if they don't talk to me, it has to be something else...my looks. Maybe that's why T isn't into me, maybe I'm out of his league. His last girlfriend was like "model" pretty. I should've known.

My friends always tell me that leagues don't exist, but they are in like the top 3 leagues and have never had problems attracting guys. They've never been called ugly to their face. I don't even look at guys if they're too pretty because I know. I know, they know, everybody knows, but nobody wants to tell they're friend..."oh yeah, you're not pretty enough for him." I don't care what people say, we live in a superficial world (and i'm superficial girl...j/k couldn't resist). It just sucks when the major thing you rely on to attract love is one thing that you can't control...unless you go under the knife. More and more I've been feeling like my nose is super big for my face. Of course I would never get a nose job...but only because I couldn't afford it. I would totally do it if I had the money.

Ugh. I wish things would happen for me. Anything to make my life interesting. I feel like I've been going out a lot through friends, coworkers, meetups, friends I've met through meetups...but it's not filling the void. Being busy helps a little, but not when I'm lying in bed wishing I had someone lying next to me or when I've had a bad day or a great day even. I'm always asking the people I go out with how they meet their dates, boyfriends, etc. and they're the usual stories-work, through a friend, a neighbor, an old schoolmate. I've explored those resources and even beyond. It just sucks when you don't get out what you put in.

I feel like I'm just rambling at this point. I'll stop now.