Why do I even bother?

So in addition to the incident on Friday night, a while ago I had emailed my friends to see if they would be interested in going on a road trip to Chicago. I was only there once for a very brief time and have been wanting to go back, I think a road trip would be lots of fun and I've never been on one of those either, and I thought on the way, we could stop and see C, who now lives in Ohio.

So I asked the group (6 girls) and two right off the bat said they couldn't, which is fine, I don't expect everyone to be able to go but tell me so I can start planning the trip. Well, one friend, D, who said Yeah! sounds fun! is now saying she can't. She is getting married this fall, so I understand if she will be tight on money and busy planning the wedding and whatnot, but why didn't you tell me before, you've been engaged for a while, you should know that already. Then A says she doesn't know now because she just got offered a job and she doesn't know if they'll let her take time off. She's known she will be getting a job soon.

Oh, I should say that this is a common trend in my group of friends, where if one person says no, they pretty much all say no like a domino effect....I don't know what's up with that, but it's pretty fucking annoying.

I was all prepared for M to say she can't go either, which she hasn't yet, but at this rate, it wouldn't shock me.

Then, today I asked a bunch of the girls if they would want to go to this event for a meetup on Friday and then to see this band that this kid I went to school with, who's a mutual friend of me and T, is playing in. AND I asked them if anyone wanted to go to an anti-valentine's day pub crawl on Saturday as well. Guess what the response was. I don't know why I even bother asking them to do things with me anymore. They almost ALWAYS say no. If they say yes, I actually have to ask again and recheck because I'm so shocked and nervous that they'll cancel on me. Usually the excuse is that they're either broke, busy, or just prefer to stay home. I don't get it. Do people really enjoy sitting home watching TV every single night and weekend? Am I the only one who likes to get out among civilization and do things?

I feel like I'm slipping back into my resentful ways. I sense it at the surface everytime they reply no to one of my invites. What's the point in calling someone a friend if you never see them? I haven't seen D since right after Christmas and I asked her to meet one night for dinner to catch up and to see her new house that she bought. She replied asking if I wouldn't mind waiting til March. Sure, I don't, but it goes to what jo was saying in her post today. If people only meet every 3 months that doesn't mean they're not friends, but perhaps they're not close friends and that's what I was considering these people.

I guess it's what my old therapist was saying, which was that I need to stop getting mad at them for being what they are and accept them for what they can be, accept that they have limitations. I guess it's just hard to realize that the people you thought were your close friends are just friends and that you don't even have any close friends. You don't have anyone close at all.

So, I had a class with this kid who's playing in the band on Friday and I'm friends with him on the SU site, which is where he invited me, well, not just me, almost all of his friends. I figure regardless of how close I am to him, at least it's a way to get out of the house and try and meet people. It's so hard to do though. Meeting people, turning those people into friends and then feeling comfortable enough to consider that friend a close friend is so hard to do at this stage of life. Is it this hard for everyone or is it just me? I feel like everyone is already so settled in their friend groups and that people are usually reluctant to let new people into their lives. I hate that it's this hard.

So anyways, this guy is pretty good friends with T. So, don't ask me why, I emailed T to see if he was planning on going Friday even though I haven't talked to him in MONTHS. He replied that he wasn't sure but that maybe we could meet up for a drink next week. I didn't reply yet. I don't know what I'm doing. I think meeting him wouldn't do me any good, but the thought of seeing someone who once was considered a potential is almost too tempting to pass up. Maybe it's just the Valentine's Day blues I'm experiencing, but then again, maybe it's just life.

The short version...almost.

So much to blog, yet so tired. I think this past week has been a turning point for me. I went home for the weekend to see J (a friend from high school who now lives in Korea with her Air Force husband) and I just got back, so here's the short version. I'll prolly expand later.

I met K on Wednesday night. Cleared a ton of air. I feel WAY better after getting all that shit off my chest. Seriously, the book from my 8/9 post helped so much. Thursday I went to the bar and actually had a lot of fun. I met a lot of nice people that were way more normal than the Monday night people. I emailed M to see if maybe on my way home this weekend I could stop and see her, but then found out she was away on vacation. She called me Friday afternoon to say she was away and didn't want to think I was ignoring her. It actually felt ok to talk to her. Then, Friday night, I met D aka Miss Oblivious for dinner. I had intended to talk to her about how I feel like she's so self-absorbed, but I took advice from my therapist and decided to lower my expectations of her as a close friend and realized that even though she's fun to hang out with, she'll prolly never be a super close friend I can depend on in that way. I also emailed C to say hello and see if maybe I could visit her in the midwest. She hasn't replied, but I think she was away at a wedding.

I still want to talk to A about how I feel like she was blowing me off for her bf, which D actually mentioned she felt like A was doing to her. So, at least I don't feel alone in that respect. I think I really need to let go seeing A as such a close friend, because as much as I had in common with her before, that's gone now. Plus, I feel like she changed a lot since she started dating her bf, and maybe she can't be that close friend to me anymore. It sucks because, in my mind, I lost a close friend, but if her decision is to spend the majority of her time with her bf and put him before anyone else in her life, then I don't need someone like that constantly disappointing me and I will choose other people to be close with who won't treat me like that.

I know that this doesn't sound like me at all haha, but I'm slightly more optimistic about the future of my relationships with my friends than I was a week ago. I feel like a big part of why I felt so alone and resentful was because I was harboring all of these negative feelings towards them that they didn't know about. I don't think it'll resolve my feelings of jealousy and bitterness, but I do think it'll help me talk to them more effectively about what's going on as opposed to just shutting them out. Plus, being able to almost rearrange the so-called org chart of my group of friends really helps put things in perspective.

That being said, I'm still going to continue to look for more friends, guys and girls, who I feel like I might have more in common with, or who will be around more often to satisfy the level of socialization that I want.

So this week will be almost as crazy with going to an info session on Tuesday about taking continuing ed classes at work, arranging to meet with A possibly Wednesday or Friday, and going to the happy hour event on Thursday. I'm exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, I actually feel good.

Three down, one to go

So the meeting with M and C went really well. It's easy to ignore the affect your actions can have on other people. To me, I was simply distancing myself from my friends to try and gain perspective and figure out why I resent them bitterly. To them, though, I am "clinically depressed" and in need of an intervention. I guess I can see why they were worried, but at least I was able to explain to them what I'm going through and tried to make them understand that I would probably never have the guts to do myself in. At the same time, now that I've met with them, I think they think things will go back to normal. I'm not sure if that's the case. I don't feel like the bitterness and resentment will just disappear just because we met and talked. I don't know. I still feel like I'm going to feel the same things when I'm around them. Not to mention all the things they updated me on, like how B bought a house with her husband and I'm sure kids are on the way soon, C bought a condo, M is thinking about having kids in the next 2 years. These things aren't going to bring us closer together...

So I talked to A, C, and M. Now, the only one that I feel like I need to talk to is K. That's the one I'm not looking forward to. Not only do I have to explain everything that's going on with me, I also have bones to pick with her about how she treats me as a friend. The way I feel like she only uses me to do certain activities, the way she has all these other friends that she hangs out with, but yet never invites anyone else to hang out with them, how she goes out all the time in the area, and by area I mean two block radius, where I work, but never invites me along, or how she doesn't respect my request for space by calling my land line to try and catch me because she knows I don't have caller ID on my house phone, or by showing up unannounced at my apt. I don't think she'll take it well. I don't want to do it, but I know I must because prolonging it will only make it worse. Right? Blech.

I have no answers

T actually emailed me back this morning, shocker. He was really nice and mentioned that he and a coworker went to this pub near where we both work that I had told him about. I thought he was being super sweet when he said "we'll have to go there sometime," except I read it wrong and he really said "we'll all have to go there sometime" meaning me and the other people he knows from school. Doh! I bet I won't hear from him for another six months.

I still haven't heard back from C and M about meeting this weekend. Weird. I was telling my sister, I have this weird feeling that M is preggers. She's mentioned a couple times wanting to talk to me in person. She also wanted to meet up with me over Easter weekend, but I had my nephew's birthday party and I had to work, so I honestly couldn't meet her. I mean, I would be totally happy for her if she was pregnant, but at the same time, this is exactly what I've been trying to explain to them. It's only going to push us further away. I have a friend from high school who has a baby and I feel like we are worlds apart now. Whenever we see each other, we always end up talking about the baby. It's like, who are we anymore? Do we keep in touch just because we've known each other so long? For this friend, I know it's because, for some reason, she asked me to be the godmother, which is completely weird considering I'm an atheist, but I digress.

I keep talking about having friends with which I can identify, but now I feel like I'm only fooling myself because, really, the only people I can identify with are bloggers that I don't really know at all. And the only reason I found them is because of the anonymity of blogging and the internet. How are you supposed to find these people in real life? I try to not mention anything about my personal life, or lack thereof, at work simply to avoid being asked questions or have to talk about relationships. Although, I did tell my boss and coworker about T, that was a mistake, since it only made me look like a loser. It's weird. People's love and relationship history is so apparent when you open up that door. Like, I know my coworker C only had one boyfriend before her husband. His name was Fabrizio and every relationship story involves him. Whereas my boss has talked about several different boyfriends from high school all the way up to before she met her husband. I wonder what they must think of me.

BTW: After my online dating subscription ran out, I joined a free dating site....why do I do this to myself? WHYYYYYY?

Masochistic to the end

Why, why do I do this to myself? I decided, on some random whim, to email T today at 4. He didn't write me back before I left work, which inevitably left me thinking why. I know that it was stupid, and yet I hit the send button and off it went. I didn't say much, except that sorry I missed his get-together and that maybe we should meet up for drinks or lunch sometime. Ugh! I disgust myself.

M and C want to meet me for lunch on Saturday. I guess C is back home from the Midwest for the weekend. I told them I had to work at 5 so as long as I can get home and ready for work by 5, then ok. Again, masochistic. It will not go well, I know it won't change anything.

On a happier note, I did find out today that my job is changing from a one-year term appointment to a full time position, which means higher pay grade and, most importantly, salary! yippee!

Holding my breath

So I decided to respond to M and C's cards and wrote them an email to explain why I was distancing myself from them. I basically just said what I wrote in my last post. I'm curious to see what they'll say...I don't know if I'm ready to hear it or deal with what comes next, but I guess I have no choice now.

Yeah, I know what you mean, sorta, well, actually not really...

I got a card in the mail yesterday from my college friend M. She basically wrote that she doesn't know why I'm distancing myself from everyone, but that's she there if I need her. C sent me a similar card about a month ago. I'm torn. Part of me wants to tell M and C what's going on, even though I thought A would've told them after we met for dinner that time. Part of me just wants to keep the distance and not deal with anything. I just don't think they will understand. Even if they do, I don't think it would change anything. C moved to the Midwest two years ago and even though there could still be a friendship via email or phone, I hate talking on the phone (especially with C because there's something about the tone of her voice, but she always sounds bored or disinterested). M lives in a different state too and I never get to see her either. I want friends I can hang out with, go out with, have fun with, and not just see maybe once or twice a year for dinner. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. I don't feel selfish, I feel sad and alone.

I also want friends I can identify with. I can't identify with any of my college friends. They've all moved on to other points in their lives. A tried to console me by saying that she was once in my shoes and that she can relate, but she's wrong. Before she met her boyfriend, A could at least identify with me. We were sort of on the same page with our luck with men. But now I'm the only one out of the group who's never been in love, never been in a serious relationship, never been intimate with someone more than once. So even though she thinks she can identify with where I am, she can't. But what's worse, in my eyes, is that I can't identify with where any of my friends are. Every time they tell me a story of what's going on in their lives, I have to pretend like I understand, like I can relate. Usually I just kept quiet, because what right did I have to give my two cents about anything. I have no basis for an opinion. That's partly why my relationship with K is rocky. Part of me feels like she used this to her advantage. She likes things the way she likes them and doesn't like to hear criticism or opposing views. I think she used to use me to unload all her shit on me knowing I wouldn't judge her, whereas I think she knew some of the other girls would speak up about some of the things she said and did. I know looking to the past is futile, but I still can't help but wish things could go back to the way they were when were all back in college, having fun, looking for love, trying to figure out who we were, but still all somewhat at the same place in our lives...*sigh*