This is a killer.

Okay, so I went to the meetup tonight and I ended up seeing people I knew, so that was good. Although, this one guy was hitting on me, very badly I might add, and he was about two inches shorter than me to boot. He started asking me if I liked reading or watching movies and how many brothers and sisters I had, just really obvious questions that I couldn't deal with, so I left and went to see the band.

Well, since this kid was a mutual friend of T and mine, I knew T might be there and sure enough, he was. So it was kind of awkward at first, but I thought it went okay for a while. So, the kid in the band, glasses boy I'll call him, had his friends and roommates there too, including his one roommate, I'll call him big kid, for obvious reasons. This guy was nice, but big, and just not my style, but he was fun and he liked to dance, so we danced. I don't know why this gave everyone the impression that I liked him, but apparently it did. Can't a girl just dance because she feels like dancing?!

So, I'll admit it, I hit a low point. I know, please don't judge me!!!! I offered T a ride home so he wouldn't have to take a cab or miss the train. You know what that means right? Well, I said I would drive home some other people too, so it didn't seem obvious that I really meant that I would drive T home and that if he so happened to want to invite me to stay over, so be it. I know, I know, I have no self control. WELL, doesn't it end up being just big kid and T and doesn't T take it upon himself to direct me to his house FIRST (I had no idea where I was going) so that I am left in the car alone with big kid having to take him home alone. Awesome.

So big kid says something along the lines of "there was a reason he made you drop him off first" and here I'm thinking it's that T doesn't want to be left alone with me or that he can't stand me...I'm preparing myself for the worst here. No, big kid tells me it's so that he would get a chance with me! I was fucking bullshit. Like I would EVER go for big kid.
Please! Is T so obtuse and am I that fucking opaque that he couldn't see the way I was looking at him or that I was dancing that way with big kid for his benefit?! Why are guys so dumb?!

So then I had to make up a lie and tell big kid that I wasn't seeing anyone, let alone him, no offense, but I also mentioned that T was the last guy I went on a date with and that was two years ago...I hope guys talk like girls and tell each other things. I don't know why I'd want to give T the impression that he's the reason I haven't dated much in two years, cuz really that's kind of pathethic. Anyways, I am so mad and upset right now, and maybe a little tipsy, and maybe a little mad at myself for thinking that maybe I would go home with him and maybe it would be a good thing or at least that I would be okay with it because who are we kidding here, that would prolly fuck me up more than anything right now.

Shit. And I gave the annoying guy at the first bar my email address to update me on future meetups but if he emails me and asks me out or does anything else creepy I swear I'm going to lose it. What the hell? I'm going to bed, I can't even think straight right now, but I knew if I didn't type this now I wouldn't be able to capture in words later exactly how I'm feeling. UGH! slasldfkjlasjdfldsjalsl!

Ok, last one I swear.

So tonight I have plans to go to a meetup, yes alone, because everyone I asked either didn't respond or said they didn't want to go. After the meetup, I might stop in to see this guy I went to school with play in a band...I think I mentioned this all in my last post, anyways, so I was in a meeting for a couple hours this afternoon and when I got back to my desk there was an email from K. Mind you, she was one of the people who I invited to go with me tonight, so she already knew that I had these plans. She asked if I wanted to go to dinner and see a movie (He's just not that into you, which coincidentally is the story of my life, but I digress). She also casually throws in the fact that she has to drop her car off at the dealership, which is located in my town.

So, let me spell it out for you. She emails me with a plan, which seemingly looks like she wants to do something yay! but really she has ulterior motives and wants me to pick her up from the dealership so she doesn't have to take a cab. THEN she even calls me to ask me which train station is closest to the dealership, which none of them really are, but she still doesn't flat out ask me to pick her up because she knows that I have plans and am getting ready, so I don't offer. I mean, come on! It felt so good to turn down her dinner/movie plans. For once I, me, yes I have plans and you don't! Pllllththth (that's me sticking my tongue out in) AND I'm not dropping them to pick you up and have a quiet night because you have a headache. Bullshit...I'm going out tonight!

The end.

Why do I even bother?

So in addition to the incident on Friday night, a while ago I had emailed my friends to see if they would be interested in going on a road trip to Chicago. I was only there once for a very brief time and have been wanting to go back, I think a road trip would be lots of fun and I've never been on one of those either, and I thought on the way, we could stop and see C, who now lives in Ohio.

So I asked the group (6 girls) and two right off the bat said they couldn't, which is fine, I don't expect everyone to be able to go but tell me so I can start planning the trip. Well, one friend, D, who said Yeah! sounds fun! is now saying she can't. She is getting married this fall, so I understand if she will be tight on money and busy planning the wedding and whatnot, but why didn't you tell me before, you've been engaged for a while, you should know that already. Then A says she doesn't know now because she just got offered a job and she doesn't know if they'll let her take time off. She's known she will be getting a job soon.

Oh, I should say that this is a common trend in my group of friends, where if one person says no, they pretty much all say no like a domino effect....I don't know what's up with that, but it's pretty fucking annoying.

I was all prepared for M to say she can't go either, which she hasn't yet, but at this rate, it wouldn't shock me.

Then, today I asked a bunch of the girls if they would want to go to this event for a meetup on Friday and then to see this band that this kid I went to school with, who's a mutual friend of me and T, is playing in. AND I asked them if anyone wanted to go to an anti-valentine's day pub crawl on Saturday as well. Guess what the response was. I don't know why I even bother asking them to do things with me anymore. They almost ALWAYS say no. If they say yes, I actually have to ask again and recheck because I'm so shocked and nervous that they'll cancel on me. Usually the excuse is that they're either broke, busy, or just prefer to stay home. I don't get it. Do people really enjoy sitting home watching TV every single night and weekend? Am I the only one who likes to get out among civilization and do things?

I feel like I'm slipping back into my resentful ways. I sense it at the surface everytime they reply no to one of my invites. What's the point in calling someone a friend if you never see them? I haven't seen D since right after Christmas and I asked her to meet one night for dinner to catch up and to see her new house that she bought. She replied asking if I wouldn't mind waiting til March. Sure, I don't, but it goes to what jo was saying in her post today. If people only meet every 3 months that doesn't mean they're not friends, but perhaps they're not close friends and that's what I was considering these people.

I guess it's what my old therapist was saying, which was that I need to stop getting mad at them for being what they are and accept them for what they can be, accept that they have limitations. I guess it's just hard to realize that the people you thought were your close friends are just friends and that you don't even have any close friends. You don't have anyone close at all.

So, I had a class with this kid who's playing in the band on Friday and I'm friends with him on the SU site, which is where he invited me, well, not just me, almost all of his friends. I figure regardless of how close I am to him, at least it's a way to get out of the house and try and meet people. It's so hard to do though. Meeting people, turning those people into friends and then feeling comfortable enough to consider that friend a close friend is so hard to do at this stage of life. Is it this hard for everyone or is it just me? I feel like everyone is already so settled in their friend groups and that people are usually reluctant to let new people into their lives. I hate that it's this hard.

So anyways, this guy is pretty good friends with T. So, don't ask me why, I emailed T to see if he was planning on going Friday even though I haven't talked to him in MONTHS. He replied that he wasn't sure but that maybe we could meet up for a drink next week. I didn't reply yet. I don't know what I'm doing. I think meeting him wouldn't do me any good, but the thought of seeing someone who once was considered a potential is almost too tempting to pass up. Maybe it's just the Valentine's Day blues I'm experiencing, but then again, maybe it's just life.

Why I hate everyone

So you think hate is a strong word? Well you’re right, it is. I’m not kidding. I truly hate everyone. It’s not over one thing or another. Nothing new has happened really, well, that’s not true, but I’ll get into that later. It’s really more of a realization that I am utterly and truly alone in this world with nothing to console or comfort me besides myself, who doesn’t do a very good job by the way. Other people may have a significant other to go to when they feel alone, sad, frustrated, or angry. Some people might have family that they talk to or spend time with, a close sister or mother perhaps. Other people really connect with their coworkers or they find comfort in working because it is their passion and a place they find relief or satisfaction. Some people have other people looking out for them and have people that do things or go out of their way to help them. I do not have any of these things. I have nothing and no one. I do not have a companion, my family is too wrapped up in their own lives to take the time to invest in mine, my work is just that-work, not a career, and my friends more and more seem like just acquaintances. I am completely alone in this world.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a concert with a friend of a friend. She invited the guy she’s seeing to come too, which I was fine with me because I’ve been out with them before and it wasn’t uncomfortable. He wanted to go to this art gallery beforehand for an opening, so we agreed to go to that first, then the show. Well, at around 3 she emailed me through a social utility (SU) site saying she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t going to go out tonight. I find that so frustrating. I am pretty anal when it comes to times and plans. I hate being late or making people wait for me and I hate when people cancel plans or having to cancel on someone, which I almost never do, even if I don't feel like it anymore or feel bad, I hate letting people down. I woke up early this morning to do my hair and makeup knowing I would be going out straight from work. I could’ve slept a little more if it wasn’t for this person’s cancellation. I could’ve dressed more casually instead of wearing a going-out outfit. I would’ve brought my big work bag with my book to read instead of my small going out purse, but no, I did these things because I trusted this person would follow through. I can already sense that you think I’m psycho. It gets worse, trust me, my psychoness, not the story. I also asked K if she was interested in going last week. She said maybe. I asked her again while we were playing a game on the SU site but she didn’t answer for like an hour while we were playing. Then just by chance, I checked the game today and she wrote “just saw this (yeah right), not in the mood to go out tonight.” Why do I suspect she sent it to me there and not in an email knowing that I wouldn’t be playing the game at work and wouldn’t look til I got home, which I wouldn’t have done until AFTER the show.

I know, you’re thinking I’m really paranoid and that I’m crazy to complain. Seriously though, I swear my life is just a part in everybody else’s play and my play is going bankrupt because the actors never show up, the plot is meaningless and uninteresting and nothing ever goes as planned. That’s honestly how I feel. When people ask me to participate in their lives, I mostly, no, I always agree, eager to spend time with people I care about. When I ask them to participate in mine, it’s either like pulling teeth or always a lame excuse leaving me thinking that they really could give two shits.

I am consuming an entire bottle of wine as soon as humanly possible.

I'm still alive update #3

So the third reason I hadn't been posting a lot lately was because of a family related problem. In the past, I wouldn't really talk about it with my friends because mostly I was embarrassed, but as I've grown older, I've realized that it's not something I have to be embarrassed about because it doesn't reflect on me or my character at all.

As far back as I can remember, I always picture my dad with a beer in his hand. I never really thought much about it growing up. I always thought it was kind of normal. I thought my relationship with my dad was normal. I was nothing close to daddy's little girl, in fact, when I heard that term, it always kind of creeped me out because I could never picture that type of relationship with him. He was just there.

I guess I never really noticed something was different until I was in high school. When I would go to my friends house I would see how they would interact with their dads, which wasn't something I didn't see when I was younger, I just don't think I noticed the difference until I was in my teens. I thought it was so weird. I thought, "wow, you talk to your dad?" "your dad makes dinner?" etc. Also, at that time, my dad started drinking way more alcohol, so maybe the difference in behavior was that much more dramatic.

It never really registered with me why my dad, who's a teacher, would come home at 5 or 5:30 everyday when school would let out at 2. It was only when my mom said one day that he was at "Bob's" after work that I realized he didn't work til 5 and it was only later that I learned that "Bob's" wasn't a teacher friend but a bar that I figured out what he was really doing. I never counted how much he drank back then, I just knew it was enough to piss me off and have him act like a complete asshole to not only me, but especially my mom. Only as an adult did I find out that he was drinking around 15 beers a day.

Remarkably, he never got a DUI or have some other bad thing happen to him as a result of drinking. I actually think his doctor told him his liver was in good shape, which is insane. The bad/good thing about his addiction is that it's not so bad where he's falling down or physically abusive or stealing money to buy alcohol or something; he's a functioning alcoholic, so he can hold down a job. My mom has said we should do an intervention, but really, he has nothing to lose, he has a job, money to support his habit, a house...the only thing he could lose would be us, which I don't think he'd really miss. I'm not saying he doesn't have a serious problem though. When he was having surgery a couple years ago, his dr had to order him a beer in the hospital because he was going through such bad withdrawal.

Anyways, so something must've happened at some point after I graduated college (some sort of threat or ultimatum) because my mom told him he could only have 2 beers a day at home and for the most part, we all believed, he was following those rules. Well, recently my mom found empty beer cans in their basement and over the holidays she found even more cans and empties in his car. This particularly freaked her out because she's scared that he's either drinking at work or drinking and driving and that he'll kill himself or someone else while driving. So basically he's been sneaking around and drinking right under my mom's nose.

So, my mom at this point, is trying to get my dad into therapy (he thinks he's just depressed, yeah right) and trying to make it work. I, on the other hand, want to tell her to divorce him because I think he's verbally abusive, childish, arrogant, and completely worthless to her. How do I say that to her and be supportive of her at the same time? It's tough. I don't know what to do. Personally, I could really take him or leave him. He was so mean to us growing up and aside from financially supporting me, he has been far from anything resembling a parent to me.

So, that's basically it.

Aside from that I'm having a particularly bad day. I have a huge cold sore on my lip. (I hate that I get them because I don't even have any fun times to attribute it to. I've been getting them ever since I was like seven, must've shared a drink with somone.) Then my mom was trying to give me a big chunk of money to help me with a downpayment and I didn't want it. She said that she gave my brother and sister similar amounts at their weddings. I said, yeah at their weddings and she said "who knows if you'll ever get married." Thanks mom, thanks. THEN, driving home, I got a nice big speeding ticket. Awesome. I'm having an awesome day.

I'm still alive update #2

So, another reason that I haven't blogged in a while was due to a personal medical problem, which was possibly the most embarrassing and disgusting thing imaginable. Because of this, I will absolutely spare you all the details, but I will say it had to do with my digestive system. I was in the most pain of my life for almost a month and almost ended up in the ER. Thankfully, a few doctors visits later and some highly nauseating treatments, I am feeling much better. However, even though I am temporarily better, it is pretty much guaranteed that I will have to live with this problem for the rest of my life.

I probably wouldn't share this information except that it directly affects my feelings towards relationships. It's not exactly something that I could hide from someone I would potentially be involved with. It's not like I could be crying in pain and NOT tell someone what was wrong. I had trouble talking to my doctor about it, how could I tell someone I liked? There are other reasons why it would be unavoidable to share this information to a potential boyfriend too. So, as I mentioned in my last post, I am trying to come to terms with never being with anyone, this is a huge contributor making this realization all the more easy. I could just avoid relationships altogether. Problem solved.

I know it's silly and that you're supposed to be able to share anything with the person you love, but it would most likely have to be shared sooner rather than later. So, it's not something I could save til I felt more comfortable with them. I don't think I'm being crazy because if a guy told me about this problem, I don't know how I would react either. Maybe I would like them enough that it wouldn't matter, but I am so guarded with revealing things about myself, my life, and my past, that I don't know if I'd be able to do it without dying of embarrassment first.

That brings me to the next thing that has been delaying my posts, but I'll save it for another time. It's too long to get into just now.

I'm still alive update #1

So, I know I haven't posted in a while, and it's for the reason I often lapse in posting, either I've got nothing to say because nothing is going on or what I do have to say is so depressing that I don't want to be whiny.

Last month wasn't the greatest for a couple of reasons, which I'll elaborate more on in upcoming posts. One of the main things bothering me last month I guess directly relates to the holidays and how I guess everyone feels lonely around them.

One thing that I noticed was that on my social utility site, everyone and their mother seems to either be married, engaged, or in a relationship and a couple profile photo to prove it-barf. I actually sat and counted up the single people that I know and I came up with 5 people. That's only people that I would consider friends or acquantences. If I wanted to include just friends, it's 2. Sometimes I feel like it's just all in my face everywhere I look.

On top of that one of my friends just got engaged and so the topic of conversation around my friends is of course weddings, and then turns to having babies, blah blah blah. Most uncomfortable was when my friends and I got together the Saturday after Christmas and the conversation turned to sex and if people had tried something specific that I won't get into here. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable being around the conversation, I don't mind getting pretty explicit about things, I'm definitely not a prude that way, maybe in other ways, but not conversationally. I guess it was more that I couldn't contribute to the conversation, because really, who am I to give an opinion when I haven't been in the situation or even remotely close to it. I don't know if anyone noticed that I didn't speak during that part of the night, but how could they not, everyone went around saying if they had or had not done it, except for me.

I also don't feel very hopeful about this new year. Online dating has been a complete bust for me and I will not be doing it again. I will attempt at going to these social meetings, but not to find men, more to just meet new people, girlfriends and guy friends, and keep myself busy.

At this point, I am trying to condition myself to not expect anything out of life. I know this goes against everything that the Secret teaches, but it also falls into the mentality of stuff happens when you're not looking for it too, so whatever. I've already pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have children. It's weird, I've always thought I wanted kids, but the more time I spend with my niece and nephews (which are great kids don't get me wrong) the more I realize that I don't know if I want them. Here's my reasoning. #1 I love sleep. I hate waking up early for anything. #2 I have zero tolerance for misbehavior and have a pretty bad temper, when I do get angry. I'm slightly afraid I'd be a spanker, which I don't necessarily want to be. #3 I see how draining kids are and how they hinder your life in many ways. I really like my freedom and don't know whether I could give up things. I know, I know, it's different when it's your own kids, but right now, unlike many of my other friends, I am NOT itching to have them anytime soon.

This works in my advantage I think. Don't guys get scared by those girls who are like "I just want to get married and have kids!" haha, well, maybe not, but I'm going to believe it's true. Next on my list is to condition myself not to expect marriage. Not everyone gets married in this world. And even more people don't stay married. This one is a little harder because if I don't have marriage to look forward to, then what do I? I am not one of those career driven people who wants to move up on the career ladder. So, what else is there? Watching everyone around you marry, have kids, etc. I know it's very "I have nothing to live for, let me just kill myself" kind of mentality. I mean sometimes I do feel that way, other times I don't, I just feel numb.

All I know is that I can't let myself believe that something will eventually happen. I've done that for over 15 years and I'm just continuously disappointed and driven deeper into depression. I figure if I expect nothing at all, if I do find something, at least I'll be surprised. But like I said, I am really feeling like I won't find anything and as weird as it sounds, it's starting to feel comforting.